WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont9.)

[LH19]

You don’t want someone to be with you because of fear. Many of my friends are in this situation and it’s awful!

[Traveler]

Passive aggressive. You are not a fan of validation are you?

You took heartfelt honesty she was offering you about her truth as subtext personally insulting you.

She said I probably wouldn't like what she had to say. She said to me that she doesn't want to work on the marriage, that she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, that she has considered pushing off filing 3-6 months (paperwork should be done next week), she said she hates destroying the family, that she misses the kids terribly, she has said that her and I don't work, that she can't get over the past (I'm not sure what that is in reference to), and that she thinks the divorce is the only path but "you can never really be sure about a decision like this". Then she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

As for validation I was trying.. But when she implied I was fragile and that I was dying to have her back, I needed her to know that’s not how this is.

Did she say that, or did you interpret that from "I don't want to hurt your feelings"?

You can say I wasn’t listenning tonher and didn’t validate. Maybe I should have said “it sounds like you’re really concerned about how this impacts me and you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”

I guess, if I were trying to actively listen and validate the above, my try might be "I get you miss the kids, and it bothers you that this hurts the kids and I. You feel divorce is the only way forward."

[Ready2Change]

R2C - Yes. Per the book, not divorce busting.

It has nothing to do with the book. It is about how you are interacting with her.

At this time the last resort strategy in theory would be the recommended course of action. I’m not divorce busting. I’m looking for closure.

LRT is to be done after you have tried everything else. You have children with this woman. You are DBing for them. DBing is about changing the way you interact with others. She is the the best person to practice and learn from. She is one big mirror reflecting things for you to work on and fix.

Recently we spoke.

Sounds to me like you broke a sandi2 rule. Talking almost always makes things worse. If she repeatedly insists, then your #1 job is to SFU and listen and validate. Do not linger. End the convo first. "Thanks for sharing, I got something important to do".

I said "don't worry, I want to be with someone that wants to be with me, I deserve that."

This can be your mantra. This can be something that you say to yourself. But you do not say these words to others (especially her if you want any chance of attracting her back (or other women as well)). If this is truly how you feel about her, take action (such as file the paperwork yourself). Less words and more action is always better.

I also questioned what holding off on paperwork would do if we weren't going to work on anything or have discussions.

This is R talk. You know the rule.

[Ready2Change]

she has said that her and I don't work, that she can't get over the past (I'm not sure what that is in reference to),

This is the meat of your statement. This is where you need growth.

Just listen to her and agree and validate how she feels. She wants to be heard and understood.

The way you were interacting in the past was not working. Maybe just for her, but most likely for both of you. Maybe you always argued. Maybe you never argued. Maybe you didn't listen to her. Maybe you made it about you instead of her. When you change the way you interact, it changes the dynamics. You have the power to make things better.

Learn how women talk to each other. One is doing all the talking and the other listens and validates. Go to a coffee shop and sit behind two woman. You can learn a lot.


I agree that a statement like this would be appropriate:
"I get you miss the kids, and it bothers you that this hurts the kids and I."

I would focus on her decision:
"Making this decision must have been hard for you."

I would add:
"It's too bad we didn't work out. (Agreeing)"

[OnlyBent]

SteveLW - That was well written.

Same for you Wayfarer.

I lean towards both of your thoughts. She knows what she wants, she's just afraid.

What is it that she wants Scotty B? A divorce? Not to be married to you anymore? If so, and she's afraid to go through with it, help her not be afraid.

[OnlyBent]

I've watched you literally start super ill advised dating and still pine after this woman. Still interpret her every move as some reach to or for you. The D is impending and still when she says plainly what she means you still are looking for that hand, and refuse to accept that it's not there. You will never get the magical closure you seek if you keep telling yourself that your stbxw deep down really wants you and the MR, she's just confused. You will never move on. And you will become bitter because her actions in moving on and living her life will continue to look like underhanded or coded attempts to purposefully make you feel bad. By not doing the work. By not DBing you're doing yourself a major disservice. You're seeking closure you're never going to get. Closure is for people who like to keep wounds and doors open. Closure isn't ever really about closing a chapter. It's about wanting to control the ending instead of just relinquishing control of the situation and taking control of the next chapter of your life. The concept of closure was created and perpetuated by emotional masochists, emotional sadists and people with deep control issues.

WF nailing it as per usual. Take control Scotty, you will not be able to move forward and live a great life until you accept, let go and forgive. I heard a great quote by Tony Robbins yesterday.

"Blame is not a strategy for greatness"

[Ginger1]

I’m afraid she isn’t confused. She knows exactly what she wants and that is a divorce. The “I have no desire to date” line is widely used to soften the blow, but then it’s a huge blow to the nuts when she is dating. And she will be soon. Trust me on this. My ex fed the “I loved you the most” line while he was dating his OW. They were engaged shortly after. And still married 10 years later.


She wants a divorce. She is not confused. She is trying not to be harsh.

Saying “ I deserve someone who wants to be with me” to her was passive aggressive and kind of childish. You don’t need to announce that to her.

Please stop trying to have the “are you sure you want this “ talk.
It’s only going to make things worse for yourself.

[Mumin]

Hey Scott, been a while since I posted.
You are getting great input by most here!
A list of demands might be good but the top spot on that list helped me out of ur current situation.
1. “Unless she is the one to initiate (read beg and beg and beg for weeks) recon I will never ever trust that she wants it.
Hence, you can never ever have ANY part in the start of a recon. Not even a hint.
This is my opinion and advice, take it for what it is. For me it was a very strong realization.

To this day I still think way too much about her but it’s easy to fall back on this principle.
Also easier since she “blew up” her lips

[BL42]

When we spoke, she said she has no interest at all in dating anyone else

Hate to say it, but she's either lying to you or herself. She's almost certainly date - might even have someone else in mind. Not fun to think about, but better to prep yourself and soften the blow.

Also easier since she “blew up” her lips

LOL! Why are botox lips a thing? Do other guys find this attractive? I don't.

[Traveler]

LOL! Why are botox lips a thing? Do other guys find this attractive? I don't.

BL42, I was curious! Most men claim to prefer unaugmented lips, but in a study where men didn't know it had taken place, men most preferred lips with a +53% augmentation and a 1:2 upper-to-lower lip ratio. The Kardashians seem to have boosted the trend. Of course, the real question isn't whether we or guys prefer it, but whether she prefers it, whether it makes her happier and more confident.