Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[OnlyBent]

Great stuff Pack, hope to see you back a bit more again.

[Pack_19]

Hi all,
I hope you are all safe. First I must ask about Sandi, I imagine she has not been back. I listen to my audio with her messages to me weekly so in a way she is still very present in my head (and yes that is how hard it is being for me to fully move on).

I have been away cause recently I had a minor accident on the motorbike, a young lad opened the door of a car while in a traffic queue when I was passing by and I got stitches on my left leg and a broken collarbone so I am mostly getting help from my parents with the kids. I cannot exercise and it is killing me, I am at home and all these thoughts about my past life, how much W has hurt me and how I need to move on with my new life knowing it is now me the one who would not take her back based on my newly found self respect and principles.

Before the accident I was sailing in full GAL mode. I bought the BMW M with part of the earnings from the house in Munich (something in my brain says I should use my money in a clever investment instead but this has been a dream since I was a little boy and I have studied and worked hard for 20 years for this moment). The car is just, wow!, I cannot wait to take it to a track day in a racetrack close to home. I also ran my first marathon on 3:50. I was on pace for 3:18 but at km number 38 I got a massive cramp on my left leg. Still I managed to put myself together and I finished running after I walked for 1 km. My sister was there on her bike cheering, as I came into the finishing line I broke down on tears, I was telling myself "Pack, all the days crying at home, all the long evenings running to burn down your fears, hurt and frustration, they have all come to this. You owe this to the new man you have become".

I can only say this will not be the last one I run. I have a new goal for my PIES, do one under 3:30! The kids are doing great, last weekend it was hard as the little one did not want to go back with W after we had a great day watching Ferrari win again in the F1. I gave S8 my ferrari hat and told him, son put this on, today we win again! And he asked me, dad who are you supporting? I think he was all confused after last year of us supporting Max Verstappen, hahahaah it was a great day.

I avoid all interactions with W except children related emergencies. My brain goes into pain, fear and anxiety every time I approach her. I think I have finally learned interacting with her is fire, and all that can happen is that I get burned. We are not D yet, W must have learned about my new job and the last time her L came back to mind all of a sudden she wanted alimony. So we have shared custody, she wants more than it is fair from the house and alimony. I know I should put aside finances as business, but it is not about the money, it is about making and stand against W to show her I am now a rock she wont be shaking again with threats and manipulation never again. My L told me that due to the law in Spain and our large salary gap, any judge would give me a generous alimony to pay. I am not sure if you can understand me, but it is enough that W has kicked me out of her new life and make me responsible for all but now I need to send money monthly to this stranger that she has become AND suffer the time I have to live as if I had no children because we dont interact. I must be still broken inside but my mentality is, if I am going to life a single life, let it be a proper one, and if I am going to be a star of a father, I want a strong and loving woman next to me. I need to work a lot on these thoughts, I know I have friends, loving family, two treasure of boys, health and a great career and that makes me a very fortunate man.

I struggle with being alone. I know I am still work under construction but I have not met anyone worth my time and having sex with women I occasionally date feels good from a physical point of view but let's be honest is meaningless and doesn't really allow me to put into practice all I have learned about mean and women properly. Someday I will be ready, I just need to keep pushing, keep working on myself and being the best father I can be. The girl in crossfit, I just made a joke on IG about the weight she was lifting. I tend to brake the ice with intelligent sense of humor. I guess she was not interested, period and moving on.

Updated PIES

P - Get back to crossfit and smash my PRs. Marathon under 3:30, keep practicing my sexual kung-fu, work on my diet and keep up the new looks and improve my diet.
I - Grow as a team leader in the new company, learn as much as I can from google cloud. Read my books on R and women. Improve my driving and riding skills.
E - Practice active listening with everyone, be more social and open. Never pursuing any woman. Love, respect and admire the new man I have become. Put children above all in my life. Detach from W and accept my M is no more.
S - Talk to God, ask him for help moving on and leaving my thoughts that question how I have growth and improved through this hell. Accept I could never control the outcome, focus on me and improving as a man and father.

Pack_19,

As bad as you were in the detachment & no pressure/pursuit, you really excelled at pouring your emotions into physical activity and transforming your physique and style. With all the running, biking, and cross fit over the past two years I bet you're a physical specimen and feel great about that! Love all the self-help and relationship resources you read as well.

I have never felt this good and I think it scatters to other aspects of my life. When I am emotional, feeling down or questioning my growth I go for a run or do some serious weights in crossfit. I feel more of a man, I feel I can be a leader to my children, I feel stronger, more confident and I honestly blame myself for never having taken it seriously while I was married.

Good for you. I'm generally against D and think married couples should work through their issues, but as been stated on this board ad nauseum marriage takes two willing parties and your W is clearly not willing. You can rest easy knowing you fought for your marriage for two years despite repeated infidelity, disrespect, rejection and hatred from your W. Time to take a stand for yourself, let go, and move on.

The line about repeated infidelity really hit me hard. I need to detach further but reading the words still burns a fire in my chest. Thanks for telling me the things I have to listen to, I will use these messages as fuel to keep moving forward. I have cried many days in the loneliness of my home. It is time to become an amazing man.

You're not responsible for the D. You may not have been a perfect husband, but can rest assured you stood for your marriage. You just can't control your wife...this is her path.

Someday I will be able to talk all of this with my children but yes God knows I gave it my best. I radically changed my life and demolished all I had built for a chance that never existed. What a nice piece of learning for Pack. You know, of all the times she has seen me since the accident wearing my right arm on a sling, not once has she asked me how I was and what had happened. Not that I care as I did in the past, it just makes me think she must really hate me.

That's alright. Almost all of us struggled. Just keep learning from it and improving going forward.

I'm glad to hear you got a new job, sold the Munich house, filed for D and are moving on. You've made so much progress on your PIES, especially physical, and you're sounding much stronger emotionally and form a detachment/no pursuit perspective.

Your most recent posts show growth and I think you're doing great. Keep it up! We're all rooting for you!

I feel stronger emotionally, thank you. I know I have to put extra effort on the emotional and mental strength as well as how I value myself when it comes to relationships with women. Can I please ask for some advice on how to handle the D thing? I want to be free from this past that only brings me pain and misery but I am not going to surrender financially to a person that has destroyed all we had just to get away from me because, as she said, she cannot be happy next to me.

Thank you all, I really needed to recharge batteries after the accident and reading your comments is perfect for that!

So many great people in this board, thanks!

[BL42]

Pack_19,

Sorry to hear about the leg and collarbone. Hope your recovery progresses.

Otherwise good stuff. Congrats on the half marathon! Simply finishing one regardless of the time is an accomplishment. Way to power through. Enjoy the car. I'm mostly a saver and investor myself, but you have to splurge and live life every once in awhile.

I avoid all interactions with W except children related emergencies.

Good! That's big progress for you.

My brain goes into pain, fear and anxiety every time I approach her. I think I have finally learned interacting with her is fire, and all that can happen is that I get burned.

Hopefully your brain calms down in interactions over time, but you've learned your lesson about getting burned.

My L told me that due to the law in Spain and our large salary gap, any judge would give me a generous alimony to pay. I am not sure if you can understand me, but it is enough that W has kicked me out of her new life and make me responsible for all but now I need to send money monthly to this stranger that she has become AND suffer the time I have to live as if I had no children because we dont interact.

I empathize with you. Not only does she get away with being unfaithful and breaking up your family, but now you have to pay her to do it. It feels like adding insult to injury or a kick while you're down. I write monthly checks as well. It doesn't seem right. Unfortunately it is what it is. Nothing you can do about it, so just have to accept it.

I must be still broken inside but my mentality is, if I am going to life a single life, let it be a proper one, and if I am going to be a star of a father, I want a strong and loving woman next to me. I need to work a lot on these thoughts, I know I have friends, loving family, two treasure of boys, health and a great career and that makes me a very fortunate man.

That doesn't sound broken. It sounds like the right attitude.

I struggle with being alone. I know I am still work under construction but I have not met anyone worth my time and having sex with women I occasionally date feels good from a physical point of view but let's be honest is meaningless and doesn't really allow me to put into practice all I have learned about mean and women properly.

I hear you. I haven't met anyone either; it's lonely some times.

I just need to keep pushing, keep working on myself and being the best father I can be.

Absolutely. Keep crushing it!

Updated PIES

P - Get back to crossfit and smash my PRs. Marathon under 3:30, keep practicing my sexual kung-fu, work on my diet and keep up the new looks and improve my diet.
I - Grow as a team leader in the new company, learn as much as I can from google cloud. Read my books on R and women. Improve my driving and riding skills.
E - Practice active listening with everyone, be more social and open. Never pursuing any woman. Love, respect and admire the new man I have become. Put children above all in my life. Detach from W and accept my M is no more.
S - Talk to God, ask him for help moving on and leaving my thoughts that question how I have growth and improved through this hell. Accept I could never control the outcome, focus on me and improving as a man and father.

Fantastic list of goals. Make it happen!

I have never felt this good and I think it scatters to other aspects of my life. When I am emotional, feeling down or questioning my growth I go for a run or do some serious weights in crossfit. I feel more of a man, I feel I can be a leader to my children, I feel stronger, more confident

Awesome!

I honestly blame myself for never having taken it seriously while I was married.

Lessons learned. Don't blame yourself too much. You can't change the past...just don't make the same mistake again.

The line about repeated infidelity really hit me hard. I need to detach further but reading the words still burns a fire in my chest. Thanks for telling me the things I have to listen to, I will use these messages as fuel to keep moving forward. I have cried many days in the loneliness of my home. It is time to become an amazing man.

Sorry Pack. It does hurt, trust me I know. But you're making great progress.

Someday I will be able to talk all of this with my children but yes God knows I gave it my best.

Yes, absolutely.

You know, of all the times she has seen me since the accident wearing my right arm on a sling, not once has she asked me how I was and what had happened. Not that I care as I did in the past, it just makes me think she must really hate me.

During IHS my W laughed at me and openly mocked me when I had car troubles in the morning on a day when I had a very important work meeting. That may always stick out in my mind. Put aside her not helping (as you'd expect a spouse to do), but she was taking pleasure in my misfortune. What did I ever do to deserve that level of hatred? Nothing. Sometimes it's more about the other person's issues than our own. Good you're recognizing the behavior and won't accept it going forward.

Can I please ask for some advice on how to handle the D thing? I want to be free from this past that only brings me pain and misery but I am not going to surrender financially to a person that has destroyed all we had just to get away from me because, as she said, she cannot be happy next to me.

Not sure what advice to give. Just lean on your lawyer to keep it moving and get you the best deal you can under the law.

[Pack_19]

hi all,

hope you are having a great time. I continue through this new life focused on my children and my goals, working on not feeling any shame for the consequences of the choices W has made and monitoring like a maniac my behaviour to not chase any woman and instead create the man I was always meant to be.

I started exercising slowly after the accident and my mood has improved (I had some dark days thinking again about my M, OMs and all those thoughts I worked so hard to eliminate). I have been very busy at work since I am in the middle of growing into a position of greater responsibility and I am buying tones of equipment to go on track days with my new car (this was always a dream for me).

I woke up today to a message of my L that we have a set date for the trial next Monday. As I approach the end of this blessed nightmare that has changed me as a man and father, I still have crossed thoughts. I am incredibly thankful for how this has changed my life and yet I have a feeling that I am rowing up a river where I am lost in terms of purpose and mission. Days go by, I try to improve on my exercise routine, my job, as a father and as a friend, and yet I do not have a new long term plan for Pack.

I told myself live like this wouldnt last long, and it is. I told myself there could not be OMs, and there were. I told myself I would wait and never file for D, and here I am with a legal appointment. How have you approached the trial date? I imagine this is a subject to hide entirely from the kids, they have already suffered enough.

All interactions with W are via email and related to the children. And here are my new PIES.

P - Get back to crossfit and smash my PRs. Marathon under 3:30, my sexual kung-fu, work on my diet and recover from accident asap.
I - Grow as a team leader in the new company, improve my driving and racing skills, get into investments and have a small portfolio and continue to learn about women. Become a man of integrity and core values
E - Practice active listening with everyone, be more social and open. Never pursuing any woman. Love, respect and admire the new man I have become. Put children above all in my life.
S - Talk to God, ask him for help moving on and stop doubting my growth and improvements. Accept I could never control the outcome, focus on me and improving as a man and father.

[BL42]

Pack_19,

Good to hear from you. Sounds like you're doing all the right things in terms of your personal PIES and being the best dad you can be. Keep up all the great work. Especially in your case it's great you've dropped the pursuit and are only communicating with W about the children and through email.

How do you feel about that message from your L about the upcoming trial date? Are you actually going to have a hearing in front of a judge, or will there be an agreement/settlement made in advance to avoid one?

[Ginger1]

What is sexual kung-fu? Did I ask this already ?

[LH19]

What is sexual kung-fu? Did I ask this already ?

I think it means he karate chops his wiener lol.

[SteveLW]

Pack, great to hear from you man! I cannot answer you question definitively as I've never been through it. BUT, I do like where your head is at. It is always better to wait when you aren't sure, than to rush into anything.

You've got this!

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Sorry I have not written before. I have the kids now and you know, I must shine as a father aside from work. I am actually incredibly excited about this weekend as I have joined a sort of cars and coffee event and I am taking S9, fingers crossed he enjoys it and we can have some awesome father-son time!

The sexual kung-fu comes from "The multiorgasmic man". It is nothing more than a set of breathing and pelvis muscular exercises to help you control orgasms and separating them from ejaculation when you want. Jokes aside, I used to be unable to do this and I can now report it works!

Here comes another of my sincere posts, I just hope you can listen and help me, although nothing I do now is going to change anything and I know all I can do is improve as a man and father and make my changes permanent. I am not sure what the appointment is for, as we have two pending items. On the one hand is the D, on the other is the penal denunciation (is it said like that) she presented after I divided the earnings from the house in Munich and sent her the part that corresponded to her half after removing all expenses I had covered since she left home in October 19. I asked my layer and he says he will guide me but I am not sure for which topic it is, I want to say it is only the D.

When I saw the message my whole body ached. At this point I just want to put myself in the hands of my L and be done with this. Just thinking about interacting with W brings me memories of my darkest times and this somehow feels like the finale I never wanted, the confirmation that everyone around me was right and I was wrong, the idea that my M was not strong or healthy and was never worth fighting for during these years of tears and shame as a man. You know, looking back W is just the same she was back at home in Munich, when she was 100% sure we were done and it was time to start a new life and I am the emotionally incompetent man who is still not fully awaken to this new reality.

I will more than likely be nervous and ashamed on Monday, but I will remind me of my value as a man and have all your support in my head so that I can behave like a strong man of principles. It is so sad that my experiences and days with W have come to this, I will never understand how I messed it so much on the early months of our S to make her so sure a life without a shadow of me would make her the happiest despite our children.

I am working strongly on killing my thoughts and memories about life in the UK and Germany during our marriage. They only hurt me and they are holding me back from starting a new episode in my journey here. I wonder if with time I will look back toward these years as wasted time I spent worrying about what she was up to, how she could have erased any meaning of our M and so damn convinced that R was the best for us and our children. Yesterday I read all my four previous threads, I should have been a man and leave her alone from day one. I should have focused on me, my children and the things I was willing or wasn't willing to tolerate in a partner and I should have seen the severity of W's actions and words much earlier. This woman was destroying all I called home and family, leaving me behind as some useless lover, convinced that I had failed as a H, and I was there asking her if we could go for dinner. Then friends were telling me, Pack she is out there with others, and I was thinking well she is very lost and I am sure some day she will see the value in our family and M. AND worst of all, I was changing my appearance, my attitude and my clothes to shine in front of her during those 5 mins when we exchange the children. I have been accused of being obsessed, of harassment, of being a poor lover and of being the only thing that did not fit in her life.

Monday is going to hurt, I will probably cry at home, I will cry for that young couple and their little baby who moved to the UK with some dreams and little knowledge of the challenges in life. I will cry for all the days I will spend thinking what my children are up to and wishing they were with me and for the many things I threw away for a chance that was never under my control. This D is going to hurt like hell, but I want it, you bet I do. I deserve so much better than the last three years. Even if I have to be alone and devote myself to my children, job and hobbies. And I am not a safety net or a plan B. I am an amazing father and man and I will prove that I can look into myself and change the many defects I have.

thank you all, I love staying in touch with you all. You are a wonderful group of human beings. My focus is on Pack, my PIES and becoming the man I was always meant to be. Oh boy, is he a catch!!

[Pack_19]

Hi all!
So Monday was about D but it turns out we won't be going into trial for now. I got up early, got some breakfast and picked my audio on the golden nuggets from this board to arrive there with a clear pic in my head of the man I want to be. I was thinking on my nice guy issues and telling myself, I can handle anything thrown at me.

I meet my L earlier and he really calmed me down. We grabbed a coffee and he told me W's lawyer has made some mistakes (such as trying to request full custody for W) and things looked good for me. He told me our speech was going to be focused on how well kids have adapted to shared custody, how I have changed my job so that I am fully remote and flexible and more available to them and how I do not have to travel for work anymore. Regarding W he mentioned we would be focusing on the lack of evidence that she has tried to improve her work situation so that our salary gap was going to comfortably remain there for her benefit and how she returned to me the bank transfer after we sold the house in Munich. He mentioned worst case was things remaining as they are now, that gave me confidence and more peace. I walked to the trial room where I met W's lawyer, after a lot of talk with my L they told me they have decided to avoid the contentious path, that they would lower the expectations on the share of the benefits from the house and accept the child support to be reduced after around 6 months. W never showed up.

My L told me he does not trust W's L, but that this is a little win and that soon we will be divorced and the legal issue with the money will be withdrawn. After some talk on other topics I said thanks to him, and called my sister while I walked but home ready to go for one of my 12 km run to burn stamina. Honestly, I was relieved but deeply sad. I have been getting ready for the worst over the last 1.5 year, especially after OM and all those terrible days, and still this feels like I have lost and I was wrong focusing all I did for 2 years in changing for us and working on the marriage alone as I thought I was doing. I feel like I have a great L and no clue of what I am going to do with my life and future. I give up on us, on my old family and my pink colored memories. I am going to put myself in the hands of God or the higher power as we see it and let days go by while I focus on my PIES goals.

Sunday night we exchanged the kids. When I was leaving W said goodbye and I was getting in the car in silence. She told me, this, you not talking to me, is what is hurting our kids. I gave her a look of disagreement and left. Is she right and I am mistaken? I know saying hello and goodbye wont change anything but it just does not come natural to fake it. I am ok to fake politeness at work, on social events and so on, but as I get to know the man I want to be I do not want that in my private and close relationships. Should I eat my pride and be nice to her when we exchange the kids? I know I have made many mistakes in the past and I am working on my confidence and self esteem but these things make me doubt about my current attitude towards all that is happening. Right now I want to give up on this fight I have made up in my mind.

Thank you all for your support and time!

Pack