I needed to hear this support and I appreciate it so much. You have no idea. The journey is still so hard, and I don’t have a lot of support outside of this forum (other than a couple of friends). It’s very lonely, especially because most people have no idea of what I am feeling or dealing with.
I’ve still been sick all week. I did get my test results and they are negative for Covid, but I’m still going to isolate as long as I am still having a sore throat. Luckily, I have enough food to get by.
D is moving along even though I really couldn’t tell. Spoke to my L yesterday. Interestingly, I heard that my H’s lawyer doesn’t think he’s a good person so isn’t going out of his way to support him beyond what is necessary. Seems Karma is at work already.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I’ve still been sick all week. I did get my test results and they are negative for Covid, but I’m still going to isolate as long as I am still having a sore throat. Luckily, I have enough food to get by.
Hi El, Just wanted to check how you are. Are you feeling better?
Originally Posted by Elbereth
D is moving along even though I really couldn’t tell. Spoke to my L yesterday. Interestingly, I heard that my H’s lawyer doesn’t think he’s a good person so isn’t going out of his way to support him beyond what is necessary. Seems Karma is at work already.
I am definitely on the mend. Still feeling down and stuck though. I did buy a book on that was mentioned on Stella’s sitch… The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and I am reading it. I do feel strongly that there is some feelings or trauma that I have yet to face. And the shutting down feelings are my trying to protect myself. Of course it could also just be exhaustion. Haha. I am hoping that this book helps to bring me closer to healing than many of the others I have read. I also purchased the workbook. Considering my mom divorced when I was young, we moved a lot after she remarried and I currently do not have a relationship with my bio dad, I am beginning to feel that I have some of those past trauma’s to work through. Maybe my fear of abandonment contributed to my putting up with how poorly I was treated by my H. Anyway, and angle of my life I have not really dug into until now.
I had a strange dream the other night. I dreamt that I was in my old house, but the upper floors had collapsed down onto the lower levels. I was in the basement, but this basement had things that I wanted to save. I was in there trying to figure out what to keep and save. I felt super anxious and overwhelmed. I knew the floor above could crash down on me any moment, but all I could do was keep packing. It’s probably my brains way of trying to deal with all the decisions, changes, stressors that I am still dealing with. But I woke up feeling very unnerved. And I need to go through and get rid of more of my stuff, because I will moving into a smaller apartment. I know I am so exhausted from dealing with all my stuff, but I don’t want to get rid of it all either. I’ve lost my life and my future, so losing my stuff as well feels very overwhelming. And frustrating.
I had to speak on the phone with my H yesterday as there was a complicated problem I had to have his help with for something for our son. His voice still gets me. We had to do a FaceTime so I could show him something and I did not share my face. I used the front facing camera and after that I clicked off of FaceTime, but H continued to show his face. I turned the phone away so I would not have to look at him. He tried chatting about the kids and about Ukraine. I tried to end the convo. It was very awkward.
Afterward he sent some info I asked for about our other son…and again included a picture of them together. Again I say as he had sent me a bunch of pictures of our son graduating from a training in which one of the pictures included him with our son together. To send me another picture of the two of them together was sort of annoying. Just like the other pic, I zoomed in to our son and cropped H out of the shot, then added that to my album. H looked like sh#t anyway. Ha
Why do they do that? I know I shouldn’t put any thought into it, but after all I have been through, it still feels manipulative. I’m just so ready for the D to be over. My L thinks it might take another 60 days. I will need to figure out health insurance as I will lose that with the D.
Anyway, thanks for listening and checking in on me.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
What an interesting dream. Such valid, pertinent, and meaningful imagery. You’ve got it we’ll understood; a collapsing future, trying to save and store, all ramping up anxiety and being overwhelmed. Yes, there are plenty of tough decisions you are undertaking, and it’s exhausting. (((Hug)))
Originally Posted by Elebereth
Why do they do that? I know I shouldn’t put any thought into it, but after all I have been through, it still feels manipulative.
Oh, it’s quite manipulative. They are pushing their narrative. Weird thing, it’s mostly manipulating themselves. They are tying to feel the “good” life. They push and flaunt, mostly because they are taking themselves in to it.
This specific situation. This particular single picture after other ones. A picture of H and son. Sent again.
H may have forgot he sent the other ones. Personally, I think that unlikely given the information here. I think H is looking for a response. Some validation, acknowledgment from you. That’s the why. H wanted to hear that you saw he was with son. H is feeding his fantasy and it’s getting difficult for him.
I’m guessing you did not comment on the picture of H and son that was within the first batch sent, so H sent a single picture. One you cannot miss. He is baiting you. Be it good or bad intentions from him remains to be uncovered. Although him needing justification to further his actions does float to the top of the list of suspected reasons.
Shrug it off. (Although I see I am posting several days late. You have most likely already turned back to organizing and packing.)
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yeah, when STBXH pulls these things, I mostly shrug it off. Honestly he has been very quiet and has mostly not engaged. So these moments are few and far between. Which is good for my mental state.
Today I saw his sister who out of all his siblings I felt the most sisterly love from. She lives out of state but was passing through. It was a short and unexpected visit, so I didn’t have a lot of time to mentally prepare. I’ve only seen her or talked to her once since the summer of 2021. Generally, H’s family expressed love towards me but have not really been there for me. A few social messages of support but not a lot. Some of that might be distance (they live in other states) and some of it I am sure is awkward. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. Everyone rallies around when someone dies but when your H cheats on you, it sometimes feels like everything thinks “just get over it”. It’s not treated the same way. They have said they love me and I am always family, but when they are not making effort to support you, you still feel untethered.
Anyway, I was nervous because I didn’t want to add more complexity or say or do anything that would push his family further away. I knew I didn’t want to talk much about specifics of MR or any complaints about STBXH. But other than that I wasn’t really sure how to BE. When she asked how I was doing, I said “do you want the sugar coated version or the truth?” and she said she wanted the truth. So I told her honestly, “I’m shattered”. And of course I started to cry. I said it’s been hard. I said I will be okay, but it’s still been very hard to deal with. I said I no longer want to reconcile and that I want the D but the years leading up to the end and the last few years and the situation has still shattered me. And that I am working on it and I know I will get through it. She asked if I have had support, and I was truthful that there has not been enough and I’ve felt very isolated. I mentioned the forum (not by name) and I mentioned the books and the IC I did and probably need to start again. She hugged me and was loving. Said I am always going to be family and that I didn’t deserve what happened. It felt good to be heard and loved. My family is not like her family. Mine is not really helpful in the emotional way. So it has been isolating for me and hard.
But later, after she left, I started to dwell. Like, should I have made it appear that I’m all together and doing fabulous? That I’ve moved on. That I’m super okay. I’m not a good liar so even if I had tried to do this, I’m not sure it would have come off as truth. I also was not all fixed up or anything, so I surely didn’t look fabulous.
A part of me shouldn’t care that STBXH might hear that I am not okay. A part of me feels that after all that he has done, and is still doing, it’s not going to change anything anyway. I don’t want him back anyway. But a part of me also doesn’t want him to have any satisfaction that I’m still hurting after all this time. What ever ego boost that might give him. Then I beat myself up for the thoughts that I am even thinking about him at all.
I don’t know. It’s just all so confusing and hard. I feel so stuck in the muck right now.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Yeah, when STBXH pulls these things, I mostly shrug it off. Honestly he has been very quiet and has mostly not engaged. So these moments are few and far between. Which is good for my mental state.
Today I saw his sister who out of all his siblings I felt the most sisterly love from. She lives out of state but was passing through. It was a short and unexpected visit, so I didn’t have a lot of time to mentally prepare. I’ve only seen her or talked to her once since the summer of 2021. Generally, H’s family expressed love towards me but have not really been there for me. A few social messages of support but not a lot. Some of that might be distance (they live in other states) and some of it I am sure is awkward. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. Everyone rallies around when someone dies but when your H cheats on you, it sometimes feels like everything thinks “just get over it”. It’s not treated the same way. They have said they love me and I am always family, but when they are not making effort to support you, you still feel untethered.
Anyway, I was nervous because I didn’t want to add more complexity or say or do anything that would push his family further away. I knew I didn’t want to talk much about specifics of MR or any complaints about STBXH. But other than that I wasn’t really sure how to BE. When she asked how I was doing, I said “do you want the sugar coated version or the truth?” and she said she wanted the truth. So I told her honestly, “I’m shattered”. And of course I started to cry. I said it’s been hard. I said I will be okay, but it’s still been very hard to deal with. I said I no longer want to reconcile and that I want the D but the years leading up to the end and the last few years and the situation has still shattered me. And that I am working on it and I know I will get through it. She asked if I have had support, and I was truthful that there has not been enough and I’ve felt very isolated. I mentioned the forum (not by name) and I mentioned the books and the IC I did and probably need to start again. She hugged me and was loving. Said I am always going to be family and that I didn’t deserve what happened. It felt good to be heard and loved. My family is not like her family. Mine is not really helpful in the emotional way. So it has been isolating for me and hard.
But later, after she left, I started to dwell. Like, should I have made it appear that I’m all together and doing fabulous? That I’ve moved on. That I’m super okay. I’m not a good liar so even if I had tried to do this, I’m not sure it would have come off as truth. I also was not all fixed up or anything, so I surely didn’t look fabulous.
A part of me shouldn’t care that STBXH might hear that I am not okay. A part of me feels that after all that he has done, and is still doing, it’s not going to change anything anyway. I don’t want him back anyway. But a part of me also doesn’t want him to have any satisfaction that I’m still hurting after all this time. What ever ego boost that might give him. Then I beat myself up for the thoughts that I am even thinking about him at all.
I don’t know. It’s just all so confusing and hard. I feel so stuck in the muck right now.
El
El,
I just wanted to say that this is all normal behavior and very common feelings as one grieves the lost of someone. Wonderful things come with it. Their family. Mutual friends. etc. I haven't read your sitch too much... but now would be a great time to give yourself a little grace. All the feelings... ALL OF THEM... are okay.
It is true that most people don't know how to handle divorce... or even death. Please know that when someone says to "get over it".. it's not about you. It's about their inability to handle it or be there for you. Do you have a support system outside of this group? It can be very helpful to have people to speak to about this... including the IC you think you should start back up. My IC gets all of the stuff I don't feel I can't say in front of family and friends (mostly hate and rage)... because she has no judgement.
You don't have to be okay today. You can still want him to care about you These feelings are neither good or bad... they just are. It could be beneficial for you to let them wash over (instead of self criticizing). Know that they will eventually subside.
Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. ((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
But later, after she left, I started to dwell. Like, should I have made it appear that I’m all together and doing fabulous? That I’ve moved on. That I’m super okay. I’m not a good liar so even if I had tried to do this, I’m not sure it would have come off as truth. I also was not all fixed up or anything, so I surely didn’t look fabulous.
A part of me shouldn’t care that STBXH might hear that I am not okay. A part of me feels that after all that he has done, and is still doing, it’s not going to change anything anyway. I don’t want him back anyway. But a part of me also doesn’t want him to have any satisfaction that I’m still hurting after all this time. What ever ego boost that might give him. Then I beat myself up for the thoughts that I am even thinking about him at all.
I don’t know. It’s just all so confusing and hard. I feel so stuck in the muck right now.
The in-laws, a very sensitive subject to me as well. Most of my in-laws are still very much present, and the biggest reason is because I have always told them the truth, just as I taught this to my children as well. They are also always honest with them. Of course things are said that are probably not always fun to hear, certainly not when it comes to blood relatives, but if these people are sincere and mean well with you, then they will sooner or later fully understand what happened.
My FIL just sent me the perfect message last week. I had a hard time because EXH was sending harsh messages again and I vented to FIL because I know I can and he wrote:
You know I will always be there for you and the kids. Please, do not respond to him. Let him go. The whole family knows that you have done everything in your power to be there for him. Choose for yourself now and don't let him manipulate you anymore, because that is what he is still doing in the end.
This is from his own father who is the most genuine person I have ever met. I send this to you because this also applies to you.
So El, you did well to vent, don't consider what will or won't be briefed to your STBX, you did what was necessary for you and that can only be a good thing.
Hi El. I can relate for sure. I still have positive relationships with XH’s family members that I had positive relationships with prior to BD and they have been supportive to the extent that they can. I think it is an awkward situation for people…especially when there is an affair or extensive dishonesty on the part of their own family member. And it is sadly way more common than it used to be and almost accepted by society in our new “my happiness is more important than anything else” messaging. I don’t ascribe to that mantra… in particular when there are kids involved. How can I when I have to watch my kids struggle every time they have to switch households? They are the real losers in all of this.
Relatives and friends will respond to this kind of a situation differently. I made a conscious decision at the start of everything not to let people’s responses bother me one way or the other. Thankfully, the people I really cared about are still in my life and the others have moved on. I wish them well. My life is no less full without them in it.
I agree with Eagle. I wouldn’t worry what does or does not get back to him. I think if his sister cares about you enough to stop by and see how you are doing and you know she is a good person, she will likely be careful about what she says to him. (((HUGS)))
I just wanted to say that this is all normal behavior and very common feelings as one grieves the lost of someone. Wonderful things come with it. Their family. Mutual friends. etc. I haven't read your sitch too much... but now would be a great time to give yourself a little grace. All the feelings... ALL OF THEM... are okay.
It is true that most people don't know how to handle divorce... or even death. Please know that when someone says to "get over it".. it's not about you. It's about their inability to handle it or be there for you. Do you have a support system outside of this group? It can be very helpful to have people to speak to about this... including the IC you think you should start back up. My IC gets all of the stuff I don't feel I can't say in front of family and friends (mostly hate and rage)... because she has no judgement.
You don't have to be okay today. You can still want him to care about you These feelings are neither good or bad... they just are. It could be beneficial for you to let them wash over (instead of self criticizing). Know that they will eventually subside.
Thanks. I mentioned to her that it’s very isolating. I don’t have the best support group. It’s interesting that in the beginning, some people seemed supportive, but after they got the scoop on what happened, I stopped hearing from them. My parents are far away and have a very dysfunctional relationship. So I find talking to them drains me even further, especially my mother. The conversations usually are about how she thinks my dad is just like my H and it’s a big whine session for her instead of a time for me to talk about my feelings (unlike me, she has not made any effort to improve her MR). And my brother and his partner have been more helpful towards a friend who’s husband passed away then with me. They tell me I need to stop acting overwhelmed and stressed as people don’t want to be around that, and the I am better off without my H, so why am I still not moving on. They say “you are not the first person to have gone through this” and other dismissive things. I have one close GF nearby that I confide in, and I do have a few other friends that do check in on me on a regular basis, but it’s been very isolating and lonely for me. I know I do need to start IC again. And you are right that they may be the best ones to talk to, where others just don’t have the bandwidth or just don’t get it.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
So El, you did well to vent, don't consider what will or won't be briefed to your STBX, you did what was necessary for you and that can only be a good thing.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Relatives and friends will respond to this kind of a situation differently. I made a conscious decision at the start of everything not to let people’s responses bother me one way or the other. Thankfully, the people I really cared about are still in my life and the others have moved on. I wish them well. My life is no less full without them in it.
I agree with Eagle. I wouldn’t worry what does or does not get back to him. I think if his sister cares about you enough to stop by and see how you are doing and you know she is a good person, she will likely be careful about what she says to him.
Eagle, and DejaVu6, I’m still trying to feel it out if I can be totally honest with the in-laws or not. Unfortunately my STBXHs parents are now suffering from dementia. They LOVED me. His mom thanked me all the time for helping her son recover from his XW and her affair (and his XGF right after) and for loving his boys and putting up with his crazy XW. I think she would be so disappointed in him and would have really been supportive of me emotionally. I did speak to his brother and his wife in the beginning, and they are aware of what happened, but they don’t reach out at all to me at all either. Other than some social likes or a small text for a holiday. His sister comes to town sometimes so that is the only reason I’ve seen her. But I don’t hear from her either when she isn’t here. Hell, even my cousin on my dads side who I was very close to has pulled away. It is really hard not to internalize that there is something very wrong with you and that is why your H cheated on you. The way people treat you after makes it feel that way sometimes. It’s so demoralizing. But you are right, I did what felt right in the moment. I was honest with her.
My GF thinks I should be transparent with the family and tell them how lousy he treated me and by not doing that I am ‘holding things inside’. I just don’t see the value in that especially if they are not open to seeing Hs flaws. If I had more support from them maybe I would feel differently, but I don’t, I don’t want to risk pushing them away further by telling them the hard truth about H. Even if I think they are already aware of some of his faults. I did mention that I want to try to visit his parents before they pass (she thinks they would know me but not have all the reasons why), and maybe we could plan a girls weekend around that trip. She seemed excited about that. Maybe that would be an opportunity to open up more. She also offered to come help me when I need to move this Spring.
My parents divorced when I was young, so I did not grow up close to extended family, even though I have a large one. I hardly know many of them. I really fell in love with Hs family…and they are large and very connected. I don’t want to lose them. I’ve grown to love them very much. And I felt I lost my first extended family when I divorced the 1st time. Who I love and consider family is a pretty small circle, so I really don’t want to lose them.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
(((El))) Given your description of your relationship with H’s family, I doubt you would “lose” them. But your relationship with them can’t help but change a little…especially if OW sticks around. At the end of the day, if you force them to choose between you and H, they will choose him (assuming he has a decent relationship with them). This is nothing you should take personally. As they say, blood is thicker than water and that is definitely true when it comes to divorce. I am lucky in that my first XH and I parted on really good terms so his family never felt they had to choose between us. I also enjoy a decent relationship with most of second XH’s family (the one’s I had a relationship with in the first place). I think that is key…not making them feel like they have to pick a side.
RE: telling them everything and the reasons why you split. I would go down that road VERY cautiously or not at all. Honestly, I don’t think that would go well over the long term. I really resisted telling people a lot about what happened. They have eyes. I didn’t need to spell things out for them. They know that when a guy leaves his marriage and moves in with another woman that he had an affair. Some people will be totally repulsed by that and others will just shrug their shoulders and not really care too much at the end of the day. Does it change your situation either way? I can guarantee you that if they are upset by it and they voice their opinions to him, it won’t make him more likely to want to try again with you. In fact, it is more likely to have the opposite effect and make him and OW more of a team… an “us against the world” kind of a situation.
Ask yourself this… in two years, when most of this is behind you and you are on more solid ground emotionally, will it be important for you to be able to look back on how things went and be proud of how you carried yourself? I guarantee you that if you take the high road and save your worst thoughts and emotions for your IC or this forum, you won’t regret it. About eight months into my sitch, XH’s cousins commented to me that they were incredibly impressed with how gracefully I was dealing with everything. I did not feel that I was doing that at the time (internally I was still struggling) but now, when I look back on it, I am so proud of how I presented myself to others because it really reflects how I am doing now and I would hate for them to have seen me acting in any other way. DnJ’s mantras really helped me in that regard… “Choose better, not bitter,” and “dignity and grace”. Saying those things over and over really helps in the beginning when everything is still so raw.
Anyway…that’s my best advice. Do with it what you will. (((HUGS)))
You have most likely already turned back to organizing and packing.)