My DB journey thus far

[greenman]

Thanks May and others. I think I'm just starting to truly detach and even consider that maybe I do not want to R. Taken over 1.5 years to get to that point and sharing the nest made it harder to detach. Deep down I still want to figure things out if possible, so giving W some more time and myself. I know that W will have no interest in something unless its her idea...besides any seeds I can possibly plant along the way. For now trying to enjoy my time and accept what I cannot change.

[greenman]

Hey folks. I am close to finalizing a pretty peaceful divorce and co-parent scenario. I gave it well over 2 years. Tried some counseling at the end, but that gained nothing because W wasn't into fixing the marriage. I always had hope and thought recon was best. I let my anger get me at times by reacting to W, fixating on her every move too much, but overall I did my best. I made many efforts to engage W and she never once truly budged on her position, which finally got me to my AH HAH moment where W said she was done and that is all I needed to hear. I knew I had given what I could and I knew there was no changing W. Finances and housing came to a point where decisions had to be made.

Of course you wish you could just walk away as soon as you get the BD, but by no means are things that simple. At least not for me. Especially with a family.

I wish I could have found an easier path to detachment, less mental anguish, etc. but its simply a path you have to go through and lots of cycles. Getting off social media helped me greatly and I wish I didn't wait so long to do it.

Like I was told, D isn't the end and I know it has to happen. I still fluctuate with sadness and anger at times, but am overall much happier and excited about the future.

I didn't post much, but checked in here daily and am thankful for the help this site and everyone on it provided. I never thought I would make it to this point, but I finally let go and in many ways things are already better.

[LH19]

Hey folks. I am close to finalizing a pretty peaceful divorce and co-parent scenario.

Glad to hear its peaceful.

I gave it well over 2 years.

That is a fair amount of time.

Tried some counseling at the end, but that gained nothing because W wasn't into fixing the marriage.

Nope. Once they get it in their head they are better off D'd that's it. No turning back.

I always had hope and thought recon was best. I let my anger get me at times by reacting to W, fixating on her every move too much, but overall I did my best. I made many efforts to engage W and she never once truly budged on her position, which finally got me to my AH HAH moment where W said she was done and that is all I needed to hear.

Nope. Once they get it in their head they are better off D'd that's it. No turning back.

I knew I had given what I could and I knew there was no changing W. Finances and housing came to a point where decisions had to be made.

Nope. Once they get it in their head they are better off D'd that's it. No turning back.

Of course you wish you could just walk away as soon as you get the BD, but by no means are things that simple. At least not for me. Especially with a family.

I wish I would have.

I wish I could have found an easier path to detachment, less mental anguish, etc. but its simply a path you have to go through and lots of cycles.

Detachment is the hardest part of DBing.

Getting off social media helped me greatly and I wish I didn't wait so long to do it.

Exactly!

Like I was told, D isn't the end and I know it has to happen.

Yep. She has to learn the hard way.

I still fluctuate with sadness and anger at times, but am overall much happier and excited about the future.

Totally normal and this will happen for awhile.

Chin up tits out Greenman!

[SteveLW]

Great post greenman. I wish more LBSs could read this post and learn from your experience. Good luck in the future, you're set up for a great life.

[greenman]

Posting again because I feel some comfort here and reading Pack's recent post I know I'm not the only one struggling at times.

So...I'm fully D after 3 years of separation. Neither of us ever dated anyone during that time (of course that I know of). I guess W decided to go online dating after D and found her new awesome BF. Going too fast IMO, but not my thing. He's younger and I'm not overly impressed, but it is what it is.

For some reason that hit REALLY hard and I'm spinning backwards after all I've been through. I know it will pass, but reminds me how attached to her I still was the whole time. I had adjusted to the way things were and we still somewhat acted as a family.

I have to figure out how to push my anger and hurt aside to continue that good co parent relationship.

No matter how long it has been and how much I knew it, I struggle with another man in the picture around her and my kids.

Ridiculous, it seems, I know, but this is what I'm going through.

I always wonder if dating would help or hurt me. I really want to dedicate my time to the kids, which I do, but I also get lonely. Been 3 years.

If I follow what I've learned here, I'm not ready for dating.

[SteveLW]

Not ridiculous at all greenman. Detachment is an on-going process. A legal document saying you are D'd from a court doesn't mean "Ok, I am fully emotionally detached and will never have emotions again over what she says or does." That comes with time and understanding on your part.

greenman, only you know if you are ready for dating. You are D'd. Maybe still have some attachment issues to work through related to your EX, but you are ready when you decide you are ready.

Are you in IC? A good IC could help you deal with all of this.

And there will always be a little bit of a dynamic at play with your EX and who she dates or even marries. It is kind of like a father with a daughter, the guys she brings home will never be GOOD enough. Don't beat yourself up over natural feelings like that. Again, a good IC can help.

[BL42]

greenman,

Just went back and read through your thread. I hadn't posted before but do remember some of the dialogue. I can definitely related to your feelings.

Neither of us ever dated anyone during that time (of course that I know of). I guess W decided to go online dating after D and found her new awesome BF.

Not trying to make light of your situation, but if it's true ExW didn't see anyone until post-D (let alone during separation or pre-BD), you're relatively lucky compared to most folks around here.

For some reason that hit REALLY hard and I'm spinning backwards after all I've been through. I know it will pass, but reminds me how attached to her I still was the whole time. I had adjusted to the way things were and we still somewhat acted as a family.

I think we'll always have a bit of that "she used to be my W and now she's someone elses" mindset, but it'll likely dissipate as time goes on to not impact us nearly as much down the road. Btw...don't think it's a one-way road. She'll likely have those twags when she knows you're seeing another woman, even if she doesn't tell you. Maybe thinking of it that way will help you?

I have to figure out how to push my anger and hurt aside to continue that good co parent relationship.

Indeed. Always need to act in the best interest of our kids.

No matter how long it has been and how much I knew it, I struggle with another man in the picture around her and my kids.

I completely relate to this. I have an extra problem in my case that it's the man she dated while married to me, but either way...tough to powerless against another man interacting and raising our children. Especially when statistics say the biggest thread to kids is a non-blood relative living in the house. Unfortunately out of our control.

Ridiculous, it seems, I know, but this is what I'm going through.

Not ridiculous at all. Completely normal and totally understandable.

I really want to dedicate my time to the kids, which I do, but I also get lonely. Been 3 years.

I hear ya. I've crushed it as a father and done everything I can for my kiddos - and loved every minute of it (almost anyway) - but would be nice to share activities and life moments with a partner.

[greenman]

Thanks Steve and BL.

I'm doing better today and always good to hear your thoughts.

I know I should do some more IC, but I'm not right now.

Yes, I was pretty lucky about the non-dating during separation. I know EX probably wanted to, but she knew I didn't support that. She has integrity, I will give her that. As far as our separation and current relationship things have been relatively tame. Besides the mental toll.

Anyways...I will be ok I am going to give the dating side of things some more time before I jump in. Don't want to be that guy still not healed from his previous relationship.

In some ways I wish I had attempted to move on quicker than the 2.5 years of separation, but that just wasn't happening. EX was way ahead of me there of course.

Thanks again.

[BL42]

greenman,

Saw you comment on Pack's thread...how about an update of your own?

If my math is right you're 3 1/2 years post-BD and coming up on a year divorced. How are you doing? How are the kids? How is co-parenting? Are you dating at all?