Husband MLC? need help

[kml]

Learning to play the drums takes persistence. You will feel very clumsy at first. You have to slow the rhythm down and laboriously learn each new pattern at first. But with each new pattern you learn it becomes easier - and once you know a pattern, have that muscle memory, you won’t forget it.

After I had learned a little bit, I joined an Adult Rock Band class - like School of Rovk but for grownups. It really helped me learn because the pressure was on to learn each week’s song - the group was depending on me to do my homework! It taught me how to play in a band and how to perform. And it was loads of fun, I made good friends in that group and after a couple of years, two of the guys and me formed our own band with a singer and played together for five years. We practiced once a week and occasionally played in local venues.

You won’t regret learning. And remember - you’re smarter than a fourteen year old boy, and they learn it! You can too!

[Eagle3]

Hi S,
As you can see you will receive great advice here.

Some people have completely healed, others are still on their journey, therefore you’ll get a good mix of advice.

Go along with whatever feels right for you.

After reading your story I below added some examples of what happened with my MLC H. Just to let you know that many of our stories are very similar to one another. In the future you will say many times, this is exactly the way how I experienced this. It seems MLC’ers all follow quite the same path (unfortunately it is a path of destruction…)

B- Yes, it is hard to accept that my M is over. But I hold onto hope that we can rebuild a new one. I don't know where this road is going, or how I will feel when/if I get to the otherside, how I will feel then. Over the years H has had a reoccuring dream, that sticks out to me as ominous now. He would wake up in the middle of the night and grab onto me for dear life. He would dream that he was trying to reach me or talk to me. But each time he had this same dream, over and over throughout the years, he could not get to me and I would not hear him or talk to him. He would wake me up to tell me each time, and each time I would tell him.. that will never happen because I love you and would never turn my back on you..weird right... S

He clearly has some sort of fear of abandonment. This is a typical symptom. My MLC H has this as well. If you read about people who are having this fear many abandon first as they are afraid of the pain that they will experience so strange enough they are the first to leave, thinking they will avoid a part.

D- My H has always been somewhat immature, we both kind of were, I chalked that up to not having any children. He has always been a drinker, but now he has taken that to Defcon 10. He is out there running himself into the ground...from Thursday night to Monday night, he is out drinking, partying, going to bars, concerts, you name it, he is there, along with a new group of younger friends who think he is just the bomb....This is how he was in his early 20's when I first ment him, center of attention, party is his middle name, he is Mr. Fun, good times, lets get wasted. And OW is the same way, together they are going to kill each other. S

Same here. If they like drinking, once they go into crisis mode, the drinking is increasing heavily. MLC H is doing this already for about 3 years non-stop. From Thursday till Monday every evening until he is wasted with some exceptions the past weeks now.

He has a great job, that he loves and makes a great living, as of now he is still working and I think/hope he doesn't screw it up. For a man who went to the school of hard knox, as H likes to say, he has been very successful with the company he is at. He has/was always been proud of the life we have built with each other. I sometimes wonder if the money he is making now has gone to his head as right now he is throughing it around. S

Was exactly the same. MLC H is a very smart man, loved his job and worked very hard. Changed jobs because of a take-over and start of MLC, in new job made extreme amounts of money, spent it with OW’s and on his own, but it didn’t make him happy (he is already that far), wants to quite and do nothing for a while. So most probably he will screw up as at one point since they can’t hide it anymore.

He does not travel for work, and I don't think there has been anyone else in the past. I could be wrong, but after he came back from the trip in May of 2021, I could really feel and see the difference in the way he was acting. I have never seen that in the past. I have asked and he has denyed. Only thing he admits to is that he had started talking to other women before the A, what that means... not really sure. I did find some strange emails to questionable sites with women on it that he had sent his phone # to trying to get someone to call him. That was from October 2020.S

Same here. Never been interested in other women, never an A during our entire M, but a few months before BD started looking on dating sites. Admitted this shortly after BD.

Our marriage was not "perfect" but it was good.S

Never doubt about that. No marriage is perfect, but from what I read I would think you were a very happily married woman. Remember, it is not about you. It’s their crisis.

And for the following quote…

I am trying to eat, but it has not been healthy, hard to shop for food for one. I am down 25 pounds, thanks to this MLC, started to work out to a bit and get in shape. Funny how the weight just fell off in a few months when I have been trying for years to drop some weight, but no amount of working out or dieting ever worked. Want to join a gym, but will have to push that back as I have surgery this coming Monday, nothing major. S

Kml, good to dive into this. It is incredible as to why every single LBS starts losing weight as from BD…
I would be thrilled to know what your conclusions might be.

Stay Strong S!

[Stella20]

Good Morning E & K
Thank you for you advice, experiences and everything.

K- loved your example on smiling and feeling the emotions, so simple and eye opening. And you are right she is not a prize. I AM.... I have to stop obsessing about her and what they are doing. I am working on stopping my communication with him, since last Friday. I am doing better with this than I have in the past. If he contacts me, which he did Monday mornig, I try to wait for a while before I respond. He is stopping by our home this Saturday to pick up some tax paper for filing last years return. I am nervous about this as I have not seen him in person since Dec. 2. I plan on looking fabulous when he shows up, whether I have plans or not. I know that I need to controll my emotions and keep myself in check, but I honestly don't know how I am going to get through that... Gonna try to just smile, smile, smile.. and remind myself if I cry it will ruin my makeup..
When in reality I just want to hold him and never let him go.. ugh..

E- Yes, everything I have been reading about MLC'ers does look like a script, all following simular path. Really disturbing to wrap ones head around. Its like a switch flipped in them and everything that was once the center of there world is now what they hate. The mood swings...omg... When H was still living with me it was really torture. He would come home from work, late, eat dinner and sit on his phone playing games all night. No conversation, no physical contact or affection little to no eye contact. When we would go to bed he would hug the edge of the bed, and actually fell off a few times..lol I read on this site, MIL for Dummies, that is my H to a T. He puts on a - everything is fine, Im fine, this is my new life, I'm in love, be happy for me - face for his friends. And most are buying into it, so frustrating. They have not had to witness what I have.

Last night on of our mutual friends called me to talk. Said he was out at the bar that H & OW were last Friday. He told me that the OW didn't look at him, say hi or even acknowledge his presence, just ignored him. Why would she, she knows what she is doing is wrong and that our close friends do not approve of what they are doing. Also told my that in previous conversation H has said he just wasn't happy with me and has felt that way for years. That hurts to hear! I know he is still justifing his action and trying to put on a face for our friends, but it still hurts. I am trying to not have contact with our friends, I just do not want to hear about there magical fantasy fun life. (insert eye roll)

I guess right now I am just trying to just make it day by day. Texted my brother and sister last night to see if they want to go on a beach vacation. I need to get out of the cold, I need a beach like yesterday. Toes in the sand, a tan and a margarita, ahh that sounds like heaven right now.

[kml]

I plan on looking fabulous when he shows up, whether I have plans or not.

Definitely! Other things you could do:
Have a vase of fresh flowers on display. If he asks who sent them, just tell him "a friend". If he asks which one, just tell him "you don't know them". Then change the subject.

Have a couple of used wine glasses on the coffee table (I was gonna say patio table them remember you said it was cold where you are!). If he asks who was over, just say "a friend - you don't know them". Like I said, don't date now if you have hopes of him coming back, but nothing wrong with trying to jolt him back to reality by giving him the IMPRESSION that you might be dating.

[Stella20]

So I am having a rough morning, layed in bed for a while, wondering why should I even get up. Thinking about H and the whole sitch. I miss him, not the him he is right now, but who he was before. And I wonder, is this who he has always been? And he is just letting go now? Talking with a friend the other night, the friend made this comment to me that maybe this is who he has always been. Maybe he married you to try to be a better person and he couldn't keep it up anymore

I guess that is a possibilty. But as I think back over our life together, I just don't know. I think his drinking has always been a issues, sometimes less, sometimes more, but never as bad as it has been over the last 8 months. His drinking has never affected his job. And living in Wisconsin it is such a part of the culture.(excuse) There have been times over the years that I have tried to pull back the reigns, when I would notice he was getting a bit heavy handed with the drinking. I am sure that he is a alcoholic, after what I witnessed with him this last summer.

But the rest of our life was filled with good times. We enjoyed the same past time, bowling, golfing, boating,until my back issues 2 years ago stopped me from some of that. We did alot of things together over the years and we had, I thought, alot of love and happiness. H always kept a shoe box full of memories of our life together, letters I would right him, notes, ticket stubs etc. etc. One year for our anniversary he took that to the next level and started a picture album with all of our vacation photos, got a large tote to put everything in it. We sat together and went though each memory together, I remember him tearing up during this as we talked about how much we loved each other and what a great journy we had been on so far, as went though the memories. It was a beautiful day.
But over this last summer, during one of his outburst, his memory of that day was so whacked. He was starting one of his I hate my W rants and brought up that day. He recalled it so completly different from reality. He said that I pushed the tote aside went into the house and took a shower and never thank him or went through the tote. That I did not appreciate all the hard work he put into it, and had never ever done anything thoughtfull for him our entire M. To say I was shocked by his recolection is a understatement. I tried to correct his thought, but his rewriting of our history together had taken a new level with this one.

The H I have seen over the last 8 months is a drunken monster, I don't miss that H. A few glimmers here and there of the old H, but the day he left me he was a stone cold, emotionless empty shell. As I clung to him, crying, hystarical, and broken,(not my proudest moment) he brushed me off to go be with OW. The look on his face, in his eyes, like I was a non person in his eyes. How could the man I have loved for the last 21 years be so cold, so heartless to me. The women he professed to love so f-ing much just be kick to the curb in such a heartless manner??????? Of course he told me he was going to get a hotel, but he went straight to the OW's and is still there. They had gone public with there R over the previous 2 weeks, and H had no choice but to leave before I found out.

Just feeling lost this morning, I love the man he was, I don't like the man he is right now. He thinks he is just fine, that nothing is wrong with him or his actions. As he told me "I had a A and fell in love, these things just happen" Thats a hard pill for me to swallow, I do not believe it for one second. Am I delusional??? Is he really in love with that horrible, heartless, homewrecking WH****?

Is he going to "snap out of it" and remember the life we had? He has told me over the last 2ish weeks that he still loves me, misses our life and the boys (fur babies). or Is this just kibble to keep me as plan B...I am not a plan B I am the real deal dam it. Am I a idiot for having hope? Seriously, if R is possible, how do you even get over all the damage? Why can't I let go of the love I feel for him? Why, why why is this happening? Sometimes I am strong and just think... walk away there is no way to fix this... then I think about us, the us we were before BD.. and I can't walk away.

I feel like I know my H, deep down I know him. This monster he is , it is not him. We were friends for 7 years before we started dating, I have known him for 27 years. In all that time I have never seen a hint of this side of him. WTF....

[kml]

[/quote]Most of them do rewrite history. They have to find an excuse for why they are leaving.

Your H was a perfect setup for MLC - deaths in the family, approaching 50, infatuation is a great temporary anti-depressant (and alcohol and drugs temporarily soothe the pain).

It’s possible your H could be one of the ones that snap out of it, especially if life with the OW doesn’t live up to the hype. Other possibilities include:

[quote] Maybe he married you to try to be a better person and he couldn't keep it up anymore

This is sometimes true. They can tire of the effort of being a good person and being with someone who is a good person holds up a mirror to them.

He could be just a victim of a predatory woman - but the evidence of him searching for other women online argues against that.

He could be a narcissist - they value you as long as you make them look good. If you could no longer golf and do those other things with him because of your back injury, a narcissist might find you have lost your value to him. Or someone just terrified of aging might run from signs that their partner is aging.

He might be a “sociopath next door” as the book of that title says. My sister was married to one - seemed all lovey dicey, took up my sister’s interests, etc. Found out later he’d give her long lovey goodbyes in the morning, then bitch to his carpool mate about her all the way to work. He sure was good at wearing a mask but turned out to be a sociopath and his post divorce life is confirmation.

He could just be a chronic alcoholic slipping into more severe alcoholism after the deaths in his family.

He could be an extraterrestrial who has been called back to the mothership!

Trying to read his mind at this point is a futile exercise - focus on you.

But one thing you might want to do is read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. The episode he recalls, while certainly NOT the reason he left, suggests that there might be a disconnect between your love languages. Figuring his out could be helpful - if he’s a Words of Affirmation guy, who was doing acts of service to get those words, and that’s not how you express yourself, it might behoove you to find ways to offer him words of affirmation . Tough to do without looking clinging, but simple things like “nice shirt” or “that color looks good on you” can be snuck in here and there without looking too needy.

[Stella20]

An extraterrestrial called back to the mothership... I love that, thanks for the laugh.

I have read the love language book and H was receiving gifts and Affirmation. Since I love to shop I was always picking up items for him throught the years. Sometimes just a new shirt or shorts, sometimes a nice watch etc etc. Of course now he has said that I have done nothing thoughtful for him over our entire M. The Affirmation, well, I guess that waned off over the years of going through the routine of life. After reading the book and taking the test, I did use affirmation with him as much as I could. Of couse this was already in the heat of the A over the summer, so who knows if he answered the question on his love laungage clearly. I have always complimented him about how he looks, certain shirts he wore would really bring out his blue eyes and I would always let him know that. Before he became BD H, his eyes were a beatiful blue, how he could ever doubt
my love for him is completly beyound me.

I haven't seen him since he left, but pics on FB he looks old and tired and has put on some weight. He used to eat healthy and take care of himself, but he looks like hes gain 20 to 30 pounds. Not much time to go for walks or make a salad when you rush home to the love pad, and run out the door to the bar right away. He has high blood pressure, drinking makes is worse, so I worry about his health. Like OW is gonna be there for him if some major health issues come up.

The OW is a predator, she has a type...her last two were very simular to my H, and others she has gone after before H all fit a type. But yes, he was searching before her. As for a naricissit, yes I can see some traits in him, but by no means is she making him look good. She is a huge step down from my. (Not to brag, but I am still dam cute for 52, plus the 25 plus pounds I am down now helps). I may not beable to bowl and golf anymore, but I am still fun. Just not new and shinny.

Just feeling bad this morning, nervous about seeing him tomorrow, if he doesn't cancel. I am so sick of the pain, crying, overthinking, the hoping, and wishing, this whole sitch. Like I am walking around in my worst nightmare. I know my expectations of his visit tomorrow are completly unrealistic... he will see me see the boys and confess his undieing love for me and our life.. Tell me how much he screwed up, how much he misses me misses us.. I know pathetic...

And lets say this acutual happens(which it won't) then what. I could not let him just come home then. He has issues, and big problems he needs to face, he needs professional help. He needs time alone in his own place, needs to get rid of OW. The road is there, but it is completly drifted over right now and white out driving conditions.

I always beleived that the love we had was stronger than this, that it was special, that we would never never be in this sitch. That we were different, well thats shot to He11 isn't it. Took all my believes and just blew them up.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Stella

I’ve been there. I totally understand, and have laid awake, asking those questions.

We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Everyone. No one is immune from this healthy seeking of understanding. And everyone has a different level they require.

You are perfectly normal. You are responding like you should. This is healthy and healing; and it hurts like the dickens. (((Hugs)))

layed in bed for a while, wondering why should I even get up.

Yes, I had many of those mornings.

Do for you. Focus on you.

Small thoughts and actions will have an cumulative effect upon your emotions and values. Positive inputs will garner positive effects. Stick to the path, and keep moving forward.

Some advice, set an alarm and get out of bed. And make the bed. Everyday. Make that habit. Reinforce that habit. That small action will accumulate and start to affect the beginning of your day. In a positive way.

Sure, have days where you sleep in. Sometimes our bed is just so cosy.

And other days, when things get really bad, go back to bed - it’s ok. However, you got up, each and everyday.

I wonder, is this who he has always been? And he is just letting go now? Talking with a friend the other night, the friend made this comment to me that maybe this is who he has always been. Maybe he married you to try to be a better person and he couldn't keep it up anymore.

You are struggling to find answers. To find rational reason for such an irrational act. Be careful, you can talk yourself into incorrect reasoning.

It is difficult to focus elsewhere. Our minds and hearts want and need answers. And we will craft them if we have to. You control you. Do accept it is ok to not know for right now. Answers will reveal themselves. Honest. Most times it because we have to become ready to listen to actually hear them.

Stick to what you know. The facts of the situation. I wrote down what happened right after BD. What W said. Had all my kids and parents do the same. Eight viewpoints all saw and reported the same thing.

As unbelievable as H appears, believe it. I’m sure you do feel and think like all this quite unbelievable. Use “I’m dumbfounded” by what has happen, instead of unbelievable. Your mind is listening and will make this unbelievable as you ask it too.

Some facts: You know H. You were married for 18 years. Together for 21. My XW told me and the world that this is who she truly is. That she is now living authentically. Well, if that were the case, she is the world’s best actress. Three decades we were together.

You know H. Do not rewrite that. This guy now, is not H. Well, he is, and he isn’t. H’s younger hurt self has bubbled up to the surface. This H is emotionally that stunted hurt child. A MLCer experiences an actual time travel effect. They get pulled back and live in that time. It is so confusion upon them.

H is his younger self. A time when he didn’t even know you. He wasn’t married. He doesn’t have feelings because from that time none of that even existed. During lucid moments MLCers know where and when they are. And their old feelings, the ones that should be current, do exert themselves. Guilt, shame, pain, so very much they have upon their soul. That is too much, and they run back into the darkness again.

Some cycle often, others hardly ever. MLCers come in three basic types: Clingers, boomerang, and vanisher. And they have two levels of intensity: High energy and wallower.

My W was a high energy vanisher. She took off in a big way. Expending tremendous energies into her new fantasy life.

S, your H always had the seeds of this crisis within him. Those were planted long ago, and even he did not realize it.

He didn’t marry you to become a better person. It sounds like marriage made both of you better people. Like a good marriage should. His two decades with you were not a charade.

Realize you and your friends are attempting to find a rational explanation for events and behaviours that are completely unknown to you. So very far off the deep end. This takes time.


H’s new narrative of the picture album and the events of that day is a very common thing among MLCers. My XW now hates vacations. All the vacations, over our 31 years, she hated. It’s also OM doesn’t like vacationing, and XW being a smitten teenage girl now aligns her feelings with her boyfriends. Just like her 13 year old hurt emotional self.

H is projecting upon you. Creating a narrative and blaming you. Making up lies, to himself and anyone who will listen. And the really scary part, he believes those lies. He absolutely has to believe them.

Imagine someone inside your head ceaselessly screaming at you. You would do anything to make the torment stop. Problem is, these lost soul seldom get the help they need. They cannot accept it. MLCer is a horrible thing.

How could the man I have loved for the last 21 years be so cold, so heartless to me. The women he professed to love so f-ing much just be kick to the curb in such a heartless manner???????

Sorry. I’m amazed and quite dumbfounded by the actions these poor souls take. Like stated, he has to. MLCer’s have zero empathy. Seemingly heartless. They are consumed by their emotions and quite literally cannot handle anyone else’s.

Is he going to "snap out of it" and remember the life we had?

Probably not.

If you need to hear a yes or no. No, he won’t.

Once entered, H needs to travel his crisis.

He has told me over the last 2ish weeks that he still loves me, misses our life and the boys (fur babies).

H will have moments of clarity. Peaks out of the tunnel. And he will disappear again.

or Is this just kibble to keep me as plan B...I am not a plan B I am the real deal dam it.

It’s only kibble if you let it be. You are the real deal! Live it!

Am I a idiot for having hope?

Absolutely not!

As long as you realize the true nature of hope and expectations and wishes.

Hope is an incredible positive force. It is our desires. Hope is timeless.

Expectations are hope with a timeline or deadline for expected action. A deadline does just that, make hope dead. Keep expectations to zero.

We can discuss more if you like. I’ve written many threads regarding hope. I am a rather hopeful and optimistic guy.

Seriously, if R is possible, how do you even get over all the damage?

In time, you will heal. If you work towards a forgiving compassionate understanding acceptance one’s damage does heal very nicely.

Why can't I let go of the love I feel for him? Why, why why is this happening? Sometimes I am strong and just think... walk away there is no way to fix this... then I think about us, the us we were before BD.. and I can't walk away.

My dear, you are within the throes of grief. Your struggle within bargaining is apparent.

Stella, the pain from the loss of romantic love is akin to withdrawal from heroin. A loving sincere relationship is addictive. And the endorphins that your R produced, that freely swam around in your brain, are gone. That withdrawal is horribly painful.

You will make it. One day at a time. Heck, some days I was minute by minute. Seriously! I literally watched the clock tick a minute. There I made it. And then geared up for the next minute. Those were some truly horrible days.

Some advice, which I complete understanding how difficult it is to follow:

- Limit looking at pictures. Strolls down memory lane can get one easily lost.

- Block H on social media.

- Block OW as well.

- Do not, ever, answer H within 24 hours. Implement a 24 or 48 hour rule. Always give yourself 24-48 hours before responding. That gives you time to allow your emotions settle and helps influence detachment. And you can speak from your rational self. By the way, you don’t always have to respond. Somethings don’t need a response.

- Make your bed. Everyday. Your path will be travelled by many small steps. Keep a steady thought out direction or heading.

I feel like I know my H, deep down I know him. This monster he is , it is not him. We were friends for 7 years before we started dating, I have known him for 27 years. In all that time I have never seen a hint of this side of him. WTF....

Good for you.

You know H. 27 years.

MLC is real. H exists within himself. At the moment a very hurt H has control.

Can he heal and return? Yes. Will he heal and return? I do not know.


You are starting out and seeking answers. And you are standing for your marriage, and for H. We all do. That is the default position. We are far to hurt to do anything else. In time you will stand for you.

As you heal, you begin to let go. We let go fear, ego, our marriage, our spouse. And many other things along the way.

Focus on you. Find detachment.

Detachment is when you are not uncontrollable dragged around by H’s word or behaviour. It still hurts, but you can “control” it better.

After, comes indifference. When H’s words and behaviour no long stir feelings with you. A peaceful time. And one fraught with temptation. Other feelings will loom much larger than they really are within such a void. This is a temporary state and does fade, previous emotions returning and you much more healed.

Just some of the path before you. Some clarity and understanding. I think it helps to know the path to ensure good heading while in the foggy mire.

D

[DnJ]

I know my expectations of his visit tomorrow are completly unrealistic... he will see me see the boys and confess his undieing love for me and our life.. Tell me how much he screwed up, how much he misses me misses us.. I know pathetic...

And lets say this acutual happens(which it won't) then what. I could not let him just come home then. He has issues, and big problems he needs to face, he needs professional help. He needs time alone in his own place, needs to get rid of OW. The road is there, but it is completly drifted over right now and white out driving conditions.

We all ask ourselves these questions. We bargain; the last ditch emotional effort to keep things like they were.

If he were to do that. Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.

MLCers are masters manipulators. For they are doing that upon themselves constantly.

If he were to. He lives elsewhere for a good while. You date. You see who he is. He gets help. And so on.

I always beleived that the love we had was stronger than this, that it was special, that we would never never be in this sitch. That we were different, well thats shot to He11 isn't it. Took all my believes and just blew them up.

Your beliefs and values are only blown up - if you allow it.

Part of our inner work is organizing ourself. Strengthen beliefs that serve. Craft ones you aspire to. Alter or discard values that do not serve. To become who you are meant to be. The best version of yourself.

It’s ok to love H. (And not like MLC H)

The strength of your love, how special it was, it is ok to remember that. To believe in it. To believe in yourself.

A pitfall along our path is hardening one’s heart against the pain. Heartbroken LBS’s we all started as. Keep your heart soft and squishy as it heals. Do not calcify and place impenetrable walls around your inner self.

From my experience a squishy heart is golden. It allowed me to heal, forgive, and accept. Yes, I hurt incredibly for a while. Nowadays, the pain barely registers. In truth, I can still summon it, if I choose too. After all we don’t actually banish it.

Acceptance of one’s life and choices is a wonderful thing. Choose well. Choose a loving approach. Your heart, keep it soft and beautiful. For it is truly for you.

Of all my advice over the years, I feel, and believe, that is my best. A soft squishy heart.

D

[Stella20]

Hi DnJ,
I just started reading you story.... wow. Still figuring out how to navagiate around on here.

Thank you, your words are wise, and very much appreciated. And calming, I have come to appreciate anything that calms me. Lighting candles, having a spa day at home, long hot showers, ocean sounds that I play to sleep to, holding my fur babies while they purr, and this site. Finding this site and all of you, has been a God send to me, like a shining light in the darkness. And good chocolate,... Anything to calm me and take my mind somewhere else.

I have days I just feel so lost, today is one of those days. I know I have made some progress for being 9 weeks out, at first I cryed all day, and yes, I too watched the clock thinking how will I get through the next hour, the morning, the day. I would wake up at night screaming for H because I could have sworn I heard him coming in the house. I am trying to get into a routine each day, have a calendar hanging above my desk to keep myself organized. Baby steps, I keep telling myself that, but I am better now than I was a month ago, heck 2 weeks ago. And anger, I find myself getting angry when I start to think of all of the BS that he has put me through over the last 8 months. But right know mostly sad, for everything that is lost.

And yes, he is acting like he was back in his early 20's, when I first met him. He was arrogant and cocky, and immature, partyed all the time. I didn't like him much, he was 20 I was 24. He had horrible taste in women, the last one before me he had actually ask her to marry him. She cheated on him all the time, was totally disrespectful to him and treated him like crap. We all sat and wondered what the heck was he thinking. She even came back around after we started living together. She was a peach. I actually brought that up to him about her cheating on him, and him taking her back over and over. He doesn't remember it that way... shocker right..

Tomorrow will be hard, seeing H for the first time since he left, I know its going to set me back. I will try to control my emotions, listen to him and stay neutral, and fake happy. I think thats why I am having such a melt down today. He is already running, I don't want to make it worse, worse not sure how it can get worse...I would imagine it will be hard for him as well, seeing me and the babies, his home.

I plan on getting up early and getting my work out in. Then I am gonna glam it up and look my best when/if he does stop by for the taxes. Not that I have any plans, most likely church and take myself out for dinner, but he dosen't need to know that.

Wish me luck, I will update on how it goes tomorrow.
S