Stella… If your H wants to be helpful with the house and you need his help, no harm in letting him do that. However, do not read anything into it. My H was also helpful in the beginning. Ironic as he rarely helped me with things when we were married. I thought, at the time, that it might mean something but really, I think it was guilt. Despite all of his rewriting of history in order to justify his behaviour, he knew, deep down, that I did not deserve to be treated the way he treated me and that he was a giant-sized a$$ for abandoning me the way he did. He was really just making himself feel better. My feelings were as inconsequential to him post break-up as they were pre-break-up. So please be careful.
Also…if he does decide at some point that he wants to come back, do NOT allow him to do so without him doing some serious work first. If you read my thread, you will see that I had had a BD in 2014. Like your H, he had completely rewritten history so that when we did visit a counsellor, I could not believe the things he was saying. It was so far from reality that I literally thought he had lost his mind. To hear him tell it, you would think that we hadn’t had one happy moment since the birth of our children. It was truly bizarre.
Anyway, what followed was basically a five-month IHS with him going to counselling and joining a men’s group where they literally howled at the moon(not officially but that’s what it amounted to) and one month where he was living in a friend’s garage suite (he said). At the end of six months, he came home, declared he was “in love with [me] again” and wanted to recommit to me and to our children. I was so grateful for his return, I just let him walk back in with no questions asked. And when I did bring it up with a question like, “Hey…what the heck was going through your mind for those six months? Can we talk about it?”, he would decline the invitation saying it was embarrassing to talk about and that it felt like his brain was in a fog and he didn’t know what he was thinking. A month and a half later, his health issues started and four years of unbelievable lies and behaviour followed until the second BD in 2018.
So be careful my friend. As others have said on here, believe nothing that he says and only half of what he does. Keep focusing on you and building a great future for yourself regardless of what he is doing. If he has a place in it, that will be up to you. You may just find that eventually you won’t want him to. Don’t be afraid of that, btw. It’s very freeing when you start to live your life and make decisions based on your own needs and you don’t feel compelled to consider his. (((HUGS)))
Yes, do not read into H’s actions. His offer to shovel, and until he does it, it’s still just an offer, is likely his guilt pressing upon him.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Mad at him for being so f-ing stupid, mad at him for not being a stronger person and standing for our M and believing in us, for not facing his issues, for blaming everything on me. Mad at him as I think about all of the lies and deceit from the last 8 months. The way he treated me, all of it. And today is what???? he feels guilty about his actions, so he is finally gonna stop over and grace me with his presents...He is screwed up, this is his doing, not mine. I did nothing wrong, I did not break my vows. Yet here I am dealing with all of the Sh*t that he has caused, while his is out there living it up and partying like a rockstar with no care in the world.
Oh, MLCers excel at eliciting such emotions.
Just wait, he’ll want to be thanked for shovelling. Don’t blow your top.
And you don’t need to stay there. Take your dressed up self out for lunch or supper. Date yourself! He can shovel unattended.
Originally Posted by Stella20
He still hasn't really had or faced any consequences for his actions, only thing he has said is the he is upset because I get all the sympathy and he has to deal with the backlash everywhere he goes. Oh poor baby, when you flaunt you affair and run around like you are the new hot couple in town to all of our friends, while you are both still married, what did you expect?? A party, congrautlation on destroying and emotionally devastating your spouses?? Good job on fooling everyone…
He is following the script perfectly. Everything is about him. How it affects only him. MLCer’s have broken empathy chips.
Good for you letting it out. Visualize making room for something else. What you may ask?
Be better not bitter.
That credo, mantra, got me through so very much.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
H just left. Asked about the flowers on the table right away, and if I was going out tonight. I said yes, dinner and drinks with some friends. Said flowers were from a friend Talked about the D, and assest etc. I asked him if that is what he still wants, and he said "well we can't go back". I said yes, i know that.
I know I should not have done this, but I hugged him really tight and told him that I miss him. Said I was trying to move on but it is hard, I had to walk away for a bit because I started to cry. Asked if he was thinking of getting his own place, he said its cold out so not right now, but maybe. He seem to be my H while he was here, eyes were there normal bright blue, which made me more confused and sad. Maybe he did just fall in love with someone else, am I wrong. Is this a MLC? or a exit affair? But normal emotionally healthy people do not have affairs!! So confused.. Said he miss us.
I held it together for most of his visit..but I wanted more.. I wanted my H...
Talked about his medical issues. He has a pinched nerve in his neck that has been going on for 7 months.
Talked about a cat video I posted of a fluffy orange cat riding in a toy car, he said it reminded him of our Archie (also fluffy orange cat) and how Archie would do that. We laughed, I said that why I posted it, because it even looked like Archie.
Said he would come over and take care of the snow shoveling for me. Asked if I had a ride to and from my surgery, if not he would take me.
I probably pushed too hard, so I will continue to back off and not contact him. I am sure there is more but I am processing.
Also he brought up the money I transfed, half of our savings. He said he doesn't know why I did that, that he is not going to do anything with the money. I said that you were not acting like the H I know and I did't know if I could trust you with our finaces and need to protect myself, and my lawyer told me to transfer half. I said you are not acting like the man I know, he said I am still the same person. (he was today, but has not been for the last 8 months) He said that my ATTY, told him to open up his own bank account(not sure if this is true, probaly not) and he had X amount of money in it, that I could keep same amount of money in my account and put the rest back in our joint account. I told him I could not get to the bank until later next week, but that it didn't really matter as it would all be split anyway. He said he was going to just transfer the rest of it into his account, but he wanted to propose this to me first.
Also talked about his old boss with me, and what is going on with his life. I thought (did not say out loud) it must be nice to talk about people from our live without having to explain the importance of this person, in our lifes.. Then he said he was off to a hockey tourny that his boss and another employee where in on the nearby lake.
He seemed different today, of course the last time I saw him he was emotionless, monster and could not get out the door fast enough. Today, he was my H, the normal comfortable conversations, was very us. I could be reading way too much into this, thats my hope talking. I hope seeing me and the boys(fur babies), the talk about our D and getting his own place, maybe gave him lots to think about. I am projecting..I know. I miss my H.
Brings up alot of questions for myself as well. But none I want to think about today.
(((Stella))). I think that is when it is the hardest…when they look and act like the person we used to know. But he’s not Stella and the sooner you come to terms with that, the better. It is very possible that in your home and in your company, he was your old H. But as soon as he left, he went back to being the person who left you and moved in with someone else. Do not make more out of what he says or does than what it is.
A few thoughts…
1. Leave your money where it is. Protect yourself. Even though he said he wasn’t going to do anything with the money, and he may have meant it at the time, he could change his mind at any minute and there is nothing stopping him from taking it or spending it. This is especially risky when you have someone who is dealing with an addiction to alcohol which it sound like your H is.
2. If you need the help with the house, okay, but if you can manage it on your own, I would do that if I were you. Him coming over to shovel snow is a form of cake eating, in my opinion. It is also a way for him to alleviate his guilt for abandoning you. He quit being your husband when he moved in with another woman. I shovelled a ton of snow when my H left. And did minor house repairs (YouTube is awesome!!). Every time I did something for myself that he would have normally done, I got a little bit stronger. It was a good feeling and made me realize I didn’t need him, I just wanted him. That’s not the same thing.
3. While I completely understand you hugging him and telling him how you were feeling, just know that whenever you do that, you are making him want to be around you less, not more. How much time he wants to spend around you is going to completely depend on how he feels in your presence. If he feels comfortable, that’s great. If you share some laughs, also great. If he has to go through walks down memory lane and see you looking sad, he is going to feel guilty and sad and at the end of the day, he will want to avoid feeling that way at all costs.
What you need to remember is that while this is all new to you, he has been thinking about this and planning this for months…possibly even a year or more. He knew how hard it would be to leave and what that would do to you. He chose to do it anyway and now that he has gotten the hard part over with, he is not going to want to come back unless he is absolutely convinced it is something he wants to do. He has already been through the worst, he is not going to come back, realize he still feels the same and then have to leave you all over again. There is no going back Stella…not for him…not for you. You can only move forward. Doesn’t mean that you will never be together again…no one knows the future. But that cannot be the goal because as soon as you make it the goal, you are almost guaranteeing it doesn’t happen.
One of the things that helped me get through this period was reading threads of people who had come before me. If you haven’t already, I recommend you read BluWave’s thread. Her sitch reminds me of yours. Her H did come back but it was a long road. (((HUGS)))
Hi DejaVu6 H always help aroud the H in the past, he would would take care of everything outside and I would handle the inside. He told me after he left that he would take care of the snow, but when I filed the D papers there was a restraining provision in it which H said he did not understant( or a excuse not sure) So I had clarified it with him through my ATTY and he through his ATTY.
I H wanted to come back, yes he would have alot of work to do on himself. That is why I have asked him a few times about times over the last 9 weeks about getting his own place. His answer has changed each time. At first, within first 2 weeks, he was going to get his own place. Next, week 3-5- Him and OW decided it would make no sence for him to get own place. Week 6 - was no I am not getting my own place and have not thought about it. Also all the places availble are expensive and not nice, And yesterday was, "well its to cold to move right now, and the one place that I sent him had not vacancies."
I don't want him back when he is still BD H, he need to figure himself out. I can not do that for him. Some days I even question if I ever want him back. It would be a very long unsure journey back.
He is paying OW like $700 to $800 a month for half the rent of the sh*t hole she rents. I have told him that I think she is just after his/our money. But he says, she had her own, to which I reminded him that she does not have "our type of money". I still think she is after our money and my H too.
Boy I read your story and I can feel the pain in your writings and am really sorry what you are going through. The first thing I would like to point out to you is that you can’t control him. You can’t make him get his own place and the more you try to the more he is going to rebel. The more you try to break them apart the more you are going to push them together. Unfortunately in these situations the WS usually comes around after the LBS moves on. If you are willing to wait years sometimes as long as 7 in MLC then if your marriage was as solid as you say odds are he will come around. Until then you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially and distance yourself from the wreckage. Time and space are your two best friends.
Yes, kml, the flowers worked, thanks for the idea.
I think/hope that H's visit gave him some food for thought. When I asked him if he still wanted to go through with the D(i know i should not have asked this) He said "well we can't go back to how it was" I said I know that. But I left it at that and changed the subject.
Two hours after H left he text me "Thank you for being calm today. Enjoy your dinner out" I replied, 2 hours later"Thanks for shoveling it was nice to see you" So I will continue to not reach out to him, and if he reaches out to me I will wait to respond.
H has alot of work to do on himself, if he does decide he wants to give us a try. When the A came out, H dived into the rabbit hole, and kept digging. He walked away from us without giving our marriage any thought or even trying to recover from the A. Totally just following his emotions and feelings for the OW. "I'm in love, she is so special, showed me a special way to live" "she prusued me, and it felt so good to be pursued" Looking back at the 6 months before he left, I can now see he was struggling with one foot in and one foot out. But I think it was mostly one foot out, as she really dug her claws in and they kept manipulating situations so that they could be together. She is a evil one!! But it takes two...
My H was always proud of the life we had together. He always wanted everyone to like him and always tried to be the nice guy. Even after he left, he had made a donation to a family in need around for xmas, when he told me that I said that was a nice thing to do. He said - well I am still a good guy....really though are you??
The old H would be ashamed and embarrassed by what he is doing now. His reputation was very important to him. And all of his justifications to our friends just don't hold water. I think or want to believe that on some level he knows what he is doing is completly whacked and wrong. I hope that he sees, someday, that he walked away without trying to fix himself or communicate with me his needs, or issues that lead him down this path. I don't buy the "I had a A and fell in love"...or at least I can't buy it. Love takes time, love builds not destroys. Love can not be built on a fondation of betrayal, lies and the pain of others. Both him and the OW are in a very unhealthy place right now. I pray my H can find his way out.
But I need to focus on me and GAL. After my surgery, I am going to join the gym, start my volunteering at the cat shelter and get a job. Also trying to plan a get away with my brother and SIL to Floriday I need to get out of the cold and to a beach!!! Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Whatever that best is, to be determined. Somedays I want us back so bad, somedays I don't know why or how that is even possible. But for now I am going to hold on for hope, in my gut I know that getting a D is not the right thing to do. But I can not stop it, that has to come from him.
I am learning alot from this site, and from all of you wonderful people!!
You did it! Made it through the visit. And pretty well from what I read.
You also sound much better today, the fears of what could have happened, gone; since the visit has passed.
Fear is an interesting response to our possible futures; a well evolved emotional reflex to steer us from harms way from impending danger. Fear is healthy and normal. And for a great many times is not warranted, for those things never come to pass. Like yesterday, out of all the possible scenarios, only one actually happened.
So we can be fearful of a multitude of things or just the one thing. However, we don’t which one. And that is how fear maintains its grip. We don’t “know”, so we imagine and usually for the worse.
Fear lives and breathes within the possibilities. The dark ones. Hope lives and breathes within the bright ones. You can influence which you focus on, which you feed.
By the way, dangerous situations. A clear and present danger. Flight or flight kicks in. Fear works to steers us away from perceived danger, fight or flight works to gets us out of danger.
With your reflecting upon yesterday, some suggestions. Things to consider for next time. And yes there will be a next time.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I asked him if that is what he still wants, and he said "well we can't go back". I said yes, i know that.
Add on, “We can only move forward.”
It states we. Implies still considering we. Turns depressive focus of the past towards the unwritten future.
True, a minor wording. However, you (and H, mostly you) are listening. And minor things add up and have huge effects.
BTW, this is really for you. All suggestions and advice are for you. You are the most important person in this equation. And I like to keep hope alive, while dealing with what’s in front of me. I’m thinking you do as well.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Maybe he did just fall in love with someone else, am I wrong. Is this a MLC? or a exit affair? But normal emotionally healthy people do not have affairs!! So confused..
I know the struggle of trying to make sense of what happened.
Is it MLC? Or something else?
A few hallmarks of MLC are confusion, depression, and becoming the opposite of who they once were. To me, H is in crisis.
His grandma took ill two years ago. She died 14 months ago. H is struggling to process and accept that loss. His childhood events having stunted him emotionally.
His FIL passes 6 months later. Yet more death and morality pressure upon him. And he never really shows the grief or pain, since he doesn’t know how and is suppressing something even bigger.
Then kaboom. The flood gates open. H turns into an alien. And no one saw it coming. No one! He is the opposite of who you and others know/knew.
Realize, the affair is just a symptom. OW means nothing. She is just another broken person trying to find happiness and meaning in their life. It is staggering how many crisis people have affairs. Within their confused hurt souls, they incorrectly equate sex with joy/happiness. It’s not true, and they bumble along miserable, confused, and lost in the darkness.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I said you are not acting like the man I know, he said I am still the same person. (he was today, but has not been for the last 8 months)
Originally Posted by Stella20
He seemed different today, of course the last time I saw him he was emotionless, monster and could not get out the door fast enough.
You see it before you.
Seeing is not believing. And if you are like most folks, you never really understood what that actually meant until now.
Stop thinking unbelievable. Do: I am dumbfounded with H’s behaviour.
There is a belief to discard, one to craft, and one to strengthen in this regard. Discard: the unbelievability of this. Craft: MLC is real. Strengthen: H is in crisis. You see it, you don’t yet believe it.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Also he brought up the money I transfed, half of our savings. He said he doesn't know why I did that, that he is not going to do anything with the money.
Originally Posted by Stella20
He is paying OW like $700 to $800 a month for half the rent of the sh*t hole she rents. I have told him that I think she is just after his/our money. But he says, she had her own, to which I reminded him that she does not have "our type of money". I still think she is after our money and my H too.
Continue getting the finances in order. Yes money is often a motivator.
Focus on you, and keep moving forward. You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
