Stella my exw's brother was/is an alcoholic. Spent time in jail for 3 dui's. If you were to meet him you would think he was a great guy. 95% of people on this planet could get 1 dui. To get 4 means you make really bad decisions and just don't give a flip.
I'd like to re-frame this ^^ LH --- It's not that an alcoholic just doesn't give a flip. It's that the alcoholic has absolutely no control once they put booze in their system. It's not a moral issue. This is an illness, like MS, Cancer, Diabetes. The booze controls everything. They simply cannot stop themselves. It's terrifying to see someone you love in the grip of this disease.
The alcoholic needs FIERCE compassion - compassion for the hell they are living, FIERCE meaning that compassion holds a FIRM boundary so the damage they inflict on themselves doesn't destroy you, the person who loves them.
BOUNDARIES. They are for you. Stella.
Interesting that about two years before BD his Gma passed.
Last edited by bttrfly; 02/25/2203:07 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi Stella, I haven't posted on the boards here in a very long time and I am shocked that I can actually get in to post. I long ago thought my password or account had been dropped. I have tried off and on over the years to log in but never could. Tonight for some reason I tried a password version and it worked! I am so glad it did.
You have been getting great advice from people who have been around the block. I have a few things to add. First of all, I understand how awful it is. You would not wish the pain on your worst enemy. The depression, the sadness, being barely able to function... wanting to reach out and knowing it won't help... So hang in there. It will get better. It may take a long time I am sorry to say. So you really need to take care of yourself in every single way you can.
I haven't seen anyone yet recommend the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I found it very helpful. I do think it was from that book that I learned there is a physiological connection between spouses that is broken when one leaves the other in addition to the emotional connection. This is part of why we want to reach out and reclaim that connection.
Only it's not possible because your husband is not thinking like you. He is not at all on the same wavelength. You could talk to him all day and he will never come back to the same planet. He is in a different universe.
What my mother told me was "you have to face it". So I did. I hope this might help you--Oh one more thing! The post it notes around my house, on mirrors, on the fridge, anywhere I could put them said Trust Yourself. Simple. Meaningful. True.
Didn't know about that book. I've ordered it and it will arrive next week. THANK YOU
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Stella my exw's brother was/is an alcoholic. Spent time in jail for 3 dui's. If you were to meet him you would think he was a great guy. 95% of people on this planet could get 1 dui. To get 4 means you make really bad decisions and just don't give a flip.
I'd like to re-frame this ^^ LH --- It's not that an alcoholic just doesn't give a flip. It's that the alcoholic has absolutely no control once they put booze in their system. It's not a moral issue. This is an illness, like MS, Cancer, Diabetes. The booze controls everything. They simply cannot stop themselves. It's terrifying to see someone you love in the grip of this disease.
The alcoholic needs FIERCE compassion - compassion for the hell they are living, FIERCE meaning that compassion holds a FIRM boundary so the damage they inflict on themselves doesn't destroy you, the person who loves them.
BOUNDARIES. They are for you. Stella.
Interesting that about two years before BD his Gma passed.
BF I have friends who are classified as alcoholics who don’t drink and drive. It a completely different breed who get multiple duis. It’s like people who multiple children out of wedlock and don’t care. 1 could happen to almost anyone. When you have four you just don’t care.
Or you’re just really severely alcoholic. You’re assuming, LH, that alcoholics always have control over their decision making. Some severe alcoholics become delusional, irrational or simply do things in blackouts they can’t even remember doing. I don’t think you understand the disease of alcoholism.
In all of this situation you can control only one thing - you. You cannot control H. Be it alcoholism, be it MLC, be it both; you cannot control nor fix it/him. For you did not break him.
You control you. Be compassionate. Be fierce and fearless in that pursuit. (I do love the fortitude that brings.) Compassion has a component of indifference and boundaries to it. It absolutely requires those components, else wise one gets dragged into the mire.
Accountability still exists and can be enforced and maintained. That does become tempered with culpable and non-culpable, and still held accountable though.
Compassion, validation, acceptance, forgiveness, and such is not a free pass for H. They are your tenets of life; one’s you are strengthening and crafting. Build strong and well. For you only control you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Or you’re just really severely alcoholic. You’re assuming, LH, that alcoholics always have control over their decision making. Some severe alcoholics become delusional, irrational or simply do things in blackouts they can’t even remember doing. I don’t think you understand the disease of alcoholism.
Active alcoholics never have control over their decision making - everything, absolutely everything, is filtered through the lens of booze, drugs, sex, whatever they're using at the moment.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Bttyfly, Yes, it is a illness, I have talked to my counsler about it and what it does to a persons brain. It shuts down parts of the brain that control logical thought. H had 3 DUI's in his early 20's and the forth one when he was 41ish. Nothing I can do about it. He is not going to make this right. Right now I have to focus, I just had the worst anxitey attack, called my sister and talked me through it. Never had one that bad, my brain just went off the rails, hard to explain. Took everything I had to just get through the last 3 hours.
My floor in the hospital is where all the alcoholics go. They come in withdrawl. They come in with liver failure. They come in with massive GI bleeds.
They are also frequent fliers. We get to know them well until they don’t make it out of here alive. I work with the psych APN and social worker closely on these cases.
Alcoholism is a disease. It’s likely a severe disease if you have gotten 4 DUI’s.
I’m the midst of being piss drunk, yea, control on rational decision making is not there.
However. Majority refuse help and treatment for their illness. There is treatment, and there is help. But most don’t want to do the work. We have one 35 year old right now who says he has no desire to be sober. We offer every resource . Those with families offer support. They don’t want to do the work.
So, while there it may true while they are under the influence and don’t have proper decision making capacity, there does come a point when you have to take responsibility for your health and your disease and do the work and take the treatment. In your sober moments and on your 4th DUI there needs to be a time to take personal responsibility and say “my disease might kill me and can possibly kill others. I need help “ and actual get the help and do the work.
I have been personally and professions affected by mental illness and addictions. And I fully believe in them. But when the behavior that is associated is dangerous to yourself and others, help is offered, your addiction is not an excuse not to take it and personal responsibility needs to be taken
Some say they don't want help and mean that. Usually that's the booze talking. Some say they don't want help, but really do - they just don't know how to stop, cannot imagine life without booze.
I've been involved in 12 step programs since I was 22 years old. I've seen and heard a lot. There is hope, but the person has to hit bottom and find their own way. No one can do it for them. Covid has caused an exponential uptake in active addiction of all kinds. People with multiple years in recovery have fallen off the wagon and in some cases died.
Yet, there is hope for recovery. As long as the person is alive, there is always hope. The key is understanding that you're powerless over their addiction be it to alcohol, sex, drugs, whatever. Focus on yourself. Pray for the person. Set boundaries for yourself. Stick to them as best you can. Move forward. Heal. Live your life. They are on a separate journey, and that is ok. No one knows the future, or what it holds for anyone. Focusing on yourself gives you back your personal power.
This is not easy, but you can do it, Stella. This is why I believe programs like Alanon are crucial for the family members affected by this disease. Check out online meetings as well.
Last edited by bttrfly; 02/25/2206:15 PM. Reason: spelling
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
