You are not alone. We are all here for you. I also had thoughts, but I couldn’t leave my kitty behind either. I think it’s natural to have these thoughts when the pain is so intense. The important thing is to not give into them. It does get easier. I won’t lie, I’m still struggling, but the pain is not as hard to bear as it was in the beginning. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don’t be too hard on yourself. It is painful. It is overwhelming. It hurts. It’s the worst thing to experience. But we all are surviving it and you will too. I promise. Just keep moving forward. We are walking with you.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
My Mom and Dad are coming today, I can not be alone right now. I thought I was getting better, but the pain and hurt has just flooded me. Like I am back to day 1. How can any human being inflict this much pain onto another?
I’m glad your mom and dad are coming to visit. It might help to understand that your STBXH is not trying to inflict pain on you. He’s just trying to do what he thinks will make him happy. Unfortunately they to do not care or are unaware of the impact that it has on others.
Trust me you do not want an unhappy person staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons.
It will be ok. I’m glad Mom and Dad are dropping by.
Just breathe.
A few things to consider.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I thought I was getting better, but the pain and hurt has just flooded me. Like I am back to day 1.
You are getting better. All this emotion and pain comes raging back as denial melts away. Remember, grief is not linear.
Originally Posted by Stella20
How can any human being inflict this much pain onto another?
My friend, this pain does not come from H. It comes from yourself.
H’s deed is long done. His power nearly spent. You are reinforcing your emotions. All perfectly normal by the way. It hurts terribly as one let’s go the connection. A horrible withdrawal.
You are withdrawing from the drug that is H. The loss of romantic love is reported as worse as heroin addiction withdrawal. Your mind is screaming for those endorphins that once swam around in plentiful numbers.
Focus on you. No contact. The shortest way through the boggy mire is a direct heading. It’s a slog, no doubt about that. Put pictures away. A firm 24-48 hour rule. Block him, except for one method like email. Check this email only once every 2 days at 6:00 pm, or whatever time you wish. A time that you scheduled to purposefully stir your emotions.
This is programming your subconscious and your heart. Focus on you.
Detachment will bring peace. And indifference will bring much calm.
Today
Just breathe.
Be in the moment.
It is only temporary. Fleeting in fact.
Breathe.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
all you have to do for today is just breathe. focus on your breath as much qs you can. feel the inhale, feel the breath flooding your lungs hold it for a count of three then slowly, slowly exhale to a count of six. repeat. often. just breathe today honey, that's all you have to do. xoxoxo
Last edited by bttrfly; 02/26/2202:54 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I really don't know what needs to happen for him to hit rock bottom.
One thing that I've learned over the last number of years is that even when you think that bottom has been hit, that there's more distance that can be fallen.
I think it's more a state of mind than anything - and requires self awareness as you point out.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Kml, I don't know I was fine last night, woke up tood the new meds with some food and it started shortly after. To be completly honest, I was having thoughts of ending it, and fear, strong thoughts. My sister and my cats saved me this morning. This is destroying me down to my core. Right now I just feel completly wiped out.
I remember sitting watching a train going down the tracks and thinking that I could just plow my car into it and "solve" all sorts of problems. My wife would get a substantial insurance payout and could legitimize her relationship with OM without it being tarnished by infidelity. My own pain would go away.
It was a time that I lived in much darkness.
What saved me that day was looking past the train, I could see that there was another side. I had no idea what was on it (metaphorically) but the very fact that a future could exist was enough to carry me through that very dark day.
I had been reading up on the various ways to off myself for a while at this point and wanted to have one that caused the least amount of pain for others and thought that was the "best" route as a train is rather impersonal.
I had other bad days but none so close to the edge as that one. I hope that helps you.
((Stella))
PS - My life now isn't one I could have imagined back then. It's a decent life. Not as fulfilling or rich as I might hope but in general I am content. I still have difficulty in seeing my future - it was so much easier when I was married because I had another to care for and make sure she was kept safe, happy and healthy. Now it's just middle-aged me and the middle-aged cat I adopted last year.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you all for being here for me, My mom is going to stay for a couple of days. Going to church later today, and going to get out and run to a couple of stores. Got outside and shoveled the driveway, felt good to get some fresh air.
H sent a picture this morning of me holding our cat Allie, that passed 4 years ago, she was 21.5 years old. Why??? I did not respond. Same think last Saturday with the picture of Stella...
Stella no one knows why. Most likely to ease the guilt and keep you emotionally attached. That’s why we advise you to block so these things won’t send you spinning. Eventually you will grow tired of the games.
I know it is hard to believe given his actions but your H doesn’t dislike you Stella. He’s just deeply unhappy and he thinks 1) his marriage to you is the cause and, 2) he will feel better with someone new. Not because they are better than you in any way but because with a new person, HE is a new person…in his mind (which is the only perspective that really matters when it comes to our own feelings about ourselves). And those new feelings of infatuation and risk taking (drinking to excess in his case) are as strong of a drug as heroin to his brain. That is what you are up against currently.
Deep down, however, he knows what he has done to you, he knows that you are suffering… so he sends you pictures of things that you share in a misguided attempt at comforting you and also to ease his guilt a bit by maintaining a connection. That’s it. He’s not THINKING about what he’s doing…he just doing what he FEELS like doing in the moment. The most likely scenario is that, at some point that morning, he was looking through his pictures and saw a pic of you and your cat so he sent it to you…maybe because he thought you might want it? He was not thinking about the effect it would have on you. So please don’t drive yourself crazy by trying to make sense of it.
FYI… re: anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication… I highly doubt that you would take one pill and then experience suicidal thoughts because of it. My understanding is that these medications need to be taken for a period of time before you experience effects (good or bad) unless you have an allergic reaction. Also…doctors tend to start you on a really low dose just to make sure you aren’t allergic so it won’t have much of an effect in the early days either way. I’m not doctor, though, so KML (who is a medical doctor) may want to chime in here. FWIW…I started taking Escitalopram about three months post BD and I think it really helped take the edge off as I started to improve after that. Could have also been that enough time had passed and I was just naturally moving forward.
BTW… DnJ is right on the money when he says the person that is behind most of your suffering is you. Yes…your H left but you’re the person who chooses your brain’s focus and your activities. You have more power than you think you do. (((HUGS)))
Fast forward to last February ... son and I were talking. I said something disparaging about myself, and commented that OW/AP/2.0/Vista was probably in perfect physical shape, blonde, brown eyed (that's another thing my husband told me shortly post-BD, that he thought brown eyed blondes were his ideal for sexy - I am a hazel eyed brunette) ... my son said he had enough of me disparaging myself and since I'd clearly never seen her, he snagged a photo off her social media and showed it to me. She's 2 inches shorter than me. She's 10-15 pounds heavier than I was at BD (exh fat shamed me for the last several years of our marriage), she has the same hair, her eyes are a tad lighter hazel than mine. She is my doppleganger, per my son. She looks like she could be related to us.
Something new my sweet Italian @$$. These people are NUTS, Stella. Don't let him make you nuts, too! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
