Hi, I'm ok, went to church last night with my Mom, was the church we got married in, but it felt good to be there. I plan on going more, now that I ripped off that bandade. I was affraid to go, didn't know how I would handle it, but it was good. Went to dinner and came home and watch movies with mom. Mornings are hard, but Mom and I ran to my brothers house to visit and just got home. Tomorrow we are going to see my Aunts, one of my Aunts is a Nun, so it will be nice to see her. My whole family knows the ugly truth of everything, still makes me feel awkward, but whatever it is what it is.
I am trying to control my thoughts. The anxitey is better, but still there. I know I will get through this, just hard to see that road.
This just came from H's lawyer, thoughts ??? This just hit me hard also sent it to my brother.
H agrees that collectibles and sports memorabilia shall remain at the home until an appraisal can be arranged. H wishes for an appraisal to be completed of all household goods and personal effects, not just the collectibles and sports memorabilia. I suggest that we jointly retain the services of Appraisers to have the appraisal completed and that the parties share in the appraisal cost. Please advise.
H agrees that he shall maintain medical/dental/vision insurance coverage for both he and Stella He agrees that each party shall be individually responsible for their own uninsured costs moving forward.
Although not referenced in your correspondence to H, I would like a provision added to the stipulated temporary order which provides that the parties shall file their 2021 state and federal income tax returns in the most financially advantageous manner, sharing equally in the tax preparation fee, sharing equally in the refund, and being equally responsible for the tax liability due, if any.
H reports that his January net bonus income was deposited into the joint savings account. He is prepared to tender to her one half of the net base pay earned in January, less $1,360.67, an amount equivalent to the unemployment compensation benefits Stella is receiving. Moving forward (commencing February 2022), H will provide to Stella one half of all net income, including base pay and bonus pay (less $1,360.67). H reports that he has housing costs of $1,000 per month. He is paying $800 for rent and contributing $200 for utilities and other miscellaneous housing costs. Thus, he is opposed to Stella receiving any amount in excess of one half of his net income. I believe his position to be fair and reasonable given the totality of circumstances.
Deferral of 2022 real estate taxes is agreed. H reports that the 2021 real estate taxes were paid prior to December 31st . Finally, H agrees that he will not modify his tax withholdings or withholdings to retirement accounts.
Personal items, like gifts would not be considered marital assets. However, furniture, appliances, etc would be (IMO). Jewelry, fake or real, might be considered your’s, unless it’s an investment. Likewise sports memorabilia could be considered H’s.
If you are keeping the house, perhaps letting H keep his memorabilia for the household furnishings would be a good exchange. I don’t think you are too attached to the sports stuff, and you’d save the time, hassle, and cost of an appraiser.
Do you two have an agreed upon value of the house?
If this were for me, I’d like to see a defined time line for maintaining insurance. For example, I maintained insurance coverage for XW for two years. The maximum limit. I could have cancelled it at any time given the way things went down; it didn’t cost me any extra to maintain so why would I. There was no ruling that I had to maintain her insurance, yet I did. H may not be so generous, or could find a weird loophole, best to get it in writing.
Filing joint 2021 taxes might be ok. My first thought - which is basically a hunch since I really do not know much other than H makes 5 or 6 times what you made and you were laid off - is to not agree to joint filing. That is more advantageous for H than you. Again, this could be a leverage point though for acquiring something you are seeking.
H has shown you some of what he values. Not surprisingly it is money. Doesn’t sound like he is much interested in any of the physical stuff / items. You can use this knowledge to grease the wheels and finesse a negotiated settlement. A word of advice, let H think whatever is being proposed is his idea. MLCers are pretty flaky and forgetful, however things that they feel they want have a better likelihood of them following through on. Finesse not force usually yields better negotiating.
The calculations for alimony sound incorrect. Although I do not know your locale’s rules and guidelines. However, if you and H come to a signed compromise the courts will likely accept it. So be careful, and listen to your L. That being said, my concern is the reduction based upon your unemployment compensation. It does not take into account that the compensation is ending right away.
Alimony is easily calculated. There are pretty straightforward formulas for it. From my research and situation, alimony is based upon gross salary(s), not net. Net is such a vague and possible to skew metric for such a calculation. H’s investments could be considered to come off then the net is what you get half of. Better look at this carefully.
Have your L tell you what you are untitled to. See if it is close to what H is offering. I’d suspect it’s not. Perhaps counter offer taking a lump sum payment instead of monthly alimony (if you want). Often, especially if you leave his pension alone, the breadwinner will pay upfront rather than losing pension (which is actually time and mean having to work longer) and having a monthly payment for years and years. In your current situation with no income this could work well for you. Get your monies upfront, be uncoupled, and any future job / income would not reduce alimony. Likewise any increases on H’s salary will not increase your alimony; but H is likely to get worse before getting better, and his salary could easy change for the worse.
Just a few thoughts. For what they are worth. You know you situation best. Arrange an appointment and speak to your L and bring a written list of your questions.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Do not agree anything until speaking with your lawyer. And do not talk to H. Let your L answers his L.
Remain no contact. For sure! You are in no condition to go this alone right now. Sorry, if that sounds harsh. I remember how f’d up I was when so anxious and hurt. Lawyers do this for a living and are not personally involved.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
There’s sports memorabilia, and then there’s sports memorabilia. My friend, whose ex was a scout for a pro sport, left his memorabilia to his daughter - she sold it for something like $30,000 (granted, a couple big items were the bulk of it). So if you have some idea of what he has, do some noodling around to see what they might be worth. My boyfriend left some signed baseballs - one by Joe DiMaggio - but the sum total would only be worth $2,000 if authenticated.
Check with your attorney, but I believe the value of the furniture would be its resale value - and unless they are valuable antiques, that’s going to be much less than what you paid for them. If you’re not overly attached, suggest splitting the household goods - I doubt he really wants any of it, he’s just using it for leverage. Call his bluff.
Now - if his sports memorabilia isn’t all that valuable, a trade for the furniture might be a good deal. But if you’re thinking of not keeping the house and downsizing, you might not want all that large houseful if furniture anyway.
And agreed - don’t agree to anything, let your lawyer handle negotiations.
We did not split contents of house. We discussed who wanted what and that was that. Pretty much total agreement on that score. We were both horrified to hear from our mediator that all jewelry in our state was considered a marital asset to be split. Neither of us thought that was kind, or fair, so we left that as is, with me. I didn't try to grab 1/2 the dollar amount of his first edition collection (gifts from his mother), nor did I try to grab 1/2 the dollar value of his extremely expensive guitar collection. Nor did he try to grab 1/2 the dollar value of the antiques which were my grandmother's and parents'. Every situation is different, so, if your attorney agrees that the contents should be appraised, then do so. Who chooses the appraiser? Who recommends the appraiser? Beware anyone H/his lawyers puts forth as a recommendation.
Insurance is a big deal. Have it written into your agreement that he has to cover your insurance for the maximum amount of time. I got dumped when exh re-married, although he could have chosen to carry me (I think) beyond that, but maybe not. It's an expense you don't need right now.
Spousal support/alimony: get it in writing that when unemployment runs out, the amount changes. Get it in writing that any change in income means a re-visit. You are in a long term marriage. You are entitled to quite a bit of alimony.
Filing jointly for 2021... check with your ACCOUNTANT, not lawyer, then proceed.
Easy enough to have him prove his expenses.
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Stella, here's the thing: do not take any negotiations personally. This is the business side of things. This is where you'll find out if h's lawyer is a $h!t-stirrer or not. This is where you'll find out same about your lawyer. Yes, lawyers sometimes make more misery to get a bigger $ amount for themselves. Be aware.
Put your business self on front and center. You can fall apart when you aren't in negotiation mode. This is crucial to your future and your survival, so treat it like the break up of a company rather than the emotional break up of your family.. Put those emotions aside, deal with the business side, then when you're done, allow yourself to feel the emotions again. Trust me on this. It's vital.
What would you say if your best friend was going through this, and this was what her h put forth?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
