all I see is the destruction of our dreams together.
I know this is hard to see, but I want you to think of this as an opportunity to create a great new future for yourself.
In my case, my ex left after 26 years when I was in my early 50's. I "lost" the future I had envisioned with my ex, traveling together, retiring at 64 me/ 60 him, etc.
What did I gain? Multiple foreign trips with my mom and sister that made memories I treasure now that my mom has passed. My ex would have probably complained about me going on these girls' trips.
I gained a new skill - I now play drums and vibraphone and glockenspiel, have playing in a pop punk cover band, have toured with a friend who is a professional singer/songwriter, and in 2018 got to play in a concert in central park that was a tribute to Greenwich Village musicians of the 60's - hanging out backstage with John Sebastian of the Loving Spoonful, Jose Feliciano, Marshal Crenshaw, and many other famous musicians was a gas!
I'm still working and won't retire early, but my I live within my means, will be reasonably comfortable in retirement, and don't have to cope with unexpected large expenses by my ex.
I've dated several men, all of whom treated me better than my ex. Although I didn't find a lifelong mate (closest was my last boyfriend, who loved me dearly and died of lung cancer - he wasn't my ideal mate but in an imperfect world, he may have come closest of anyone I've been with ). I now look at men as the icing on the cake, not the cake.
If my ex had stayed? I would have had to deal with his erratic behavior, financial irresponsibility, critical nature, and probable eventual dementia (he had several bad concussions when he was younger).
I'm surprised to say this now, as I fought so hard for my marriage, but I'm happy to be free of him. I've had adventures I wouldn't have had if I'd stayed with him, I'm no longer being dragged down by the need to keep him happy and stable.
Just got off the phone with my lawyer. He said he felt good about the tone of the letter from H's lawyer, and was actually surprised that at it. I did tell my lawyer, that I would like to save the marriage and do not want this to get vicious or mean. He said that he and H's attorny have worked together in the past and that they do keep this in mind.
It will be net income for now, and H can not change his deferred comp for now. The Alimony will be based on Gross income in the final settlement.
Suggested that I put together a balance sheet with est. values of items in the house.
Said that I would have to pay for life ins. on H, and should talk to H about it, as he would have to agree to a exam for it.
He is asking for proof of H paying "rent" to OW and said that the IRS should know about her additional income....
Also told him my unemployment is running out in like 5 weeks and he will change the wording on that. Did say I could start really looking for employeement now. Thank god, I need to get back into a routine....
He didn't understand the whole 2021 tax filing issues either so he is addressing that.
I asked about continued coverage for insurance and he said that would be COBRA..which is expensive.
I also told my lawyer that due to covid, my age and mental state, that finding a job in my old profession , at my old salary, is very hard right now. I worked in corporate dining and with alot of large companies going to work from home, these jobs are few in this area...
Lawyer is responding as we speak, so more to come... Thank you everyone for going through all of this with me.
He didn't understand the whole 2021 tax filing issues either so he is addressing that.
Here's the deal - since your incomes are disparate, filing jointly means less taxes paid overall. However, YOU would likely owe less taxes filing separately. So you could have the accountant who does your taxes run them both way - separately and together - and have your H pay you enough to bring your tax liability or refund to where it would be if you filed separately. This would likely still save him money.
Theoretical example:
Filing separately, let's say you would get a $4,000 refund and he would owe $10,000 extra in taxes.
Filing together, there's a $5,000 refund.
If you file together, you should get $4,000 from the refund and he gets $1,000. (and he doesn't end up owing that extra $10k).
Said that I would have to pay for life ins. on H, and should talk to H about it, as he would have to agree to a exam for it.
I do not understand this. In our situation, the person carrying the life insurance policy had to pay for it themselves, not the other person.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I asked about continued coverage for insurance and he said that would be COBRA..which is expensive.
I don't think this is correct. You should check. It might be family plus one, or something like that. Ours wasn't a cobra situation. Call this insurance company directly. This is a hot button divorce issue so I wouldn't be surprised if they have a party directly responsible for fielding these types of questions.
Last edited by bttrfly; 03/01/2207:45 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I don't know what the usual in your state is, but in my divorce I had to pay the premiums on my ex's life insurance (to cover my alimony if he died). I'm not sure I would have felt comfortable with him paying it, because if he let it lapse, I would have been SOL. If your ex has to go out and get new life insurance right now he might not qualify (thinking they may see elevated liver enzymes from his drinking). If he can't get ife insurance at all, this is a situation where getting a lump sum might be preferable, even though the calculations used to estimate that lump sum amount do not usually favor you. (They use unrealistically high estimates of how much that money will grow invested for the future, and unrealistically short life expectancies I believe).
As for Cobra - first of all, your H should be required to keep you on his insurance until the divorce is final. Many workplaces won't let the employee keep the ex-spouse on their insurance after they're divorced. You do get to COBRA the insurance for 36 months after the divorce (rather than the usual 18 months). It can be expensive but in my case, I made too much money to get an ACA subsidy, and while the COBRA was as expensive as the individual policy I got later, the coverage was MUCH better on the COBRA (little deductible, no copays vs what I got later for the same amount was a bronze plan with a $7500 deductible). Your best bet long term is to get a job that gives good health insurance.
Hi, Yes, he has to keep me on his insurance until the D is final. H does not have a life insurance policy right now, so I will have to talk to him at some point about this.. I will start a serious job search now that I spoke with my lawyer. Thanks to all of you....my lawyer was very impressed by all of the questions and issues that I brought up
