Thanks D, not harsh at all, I know I need all the help I can get right now. I value and trust everyones info and input on this cuz , yes I know I am thinking with too much emotion right now. I am trying to be strong, but all I see is the destruction of our dreams together. Makes me sad and furious at the same time. Ugh, he is such a idiot right now.
We do not have a agreed value of the house, had a rough estimate done 2 years ago for 389 but H put it down as 450. With the current market it is somewhere in that window.
My jewlery is all fake and maybe worth like 300 bucks. His collection, I have no idea, my guess 20 to 50 grand. Everything in the house, maybe 8 to 10 grand. Everything is like 10 to 15 years old, I don't have any Monet's hanging on the walls...lol He says he doesn't want anything from the house. So great I get to deal with all the sh!t he doesn't want. Like the 50 bowling balls in the basement, thanks a$$hole..
If he keeps me on his insurance that would be great, that is one of my concerns right now. I have that in my notes...
I also thought alimony was based on gross, not net and have that in my notes for my ATTY. H had said to me a few months back that he would only be paying alimony to me for 4 years, my ATTY laughed when I told him that. My ATTY thinks more like 8 to 10 years. A lump some would be over a million, there is no way he could come up with that money. I am not trying to sound greedy, but this was the life that we both promised each other and worked for.
Also H has a base pay, but most of his income comes from his monthly bonus. He takes his deferred comp (35%) out of his bonus checks.(He makes too much money for a 401k hence the deferred comp) So the 35% comes out then taxes. This would not be fair to me... that was my first thought when I read the net income part. Plus he could raise his deferred comp to 100%,(there is no limit to how much he can put into it) and I would get nothing.
Yes, I need to talk with my ATTY and will call him this week. My brother is pretty good with all of this and I have sent him a copy of the letter too.
I also have in my notes for ATTY, social security, life insurance on H, and the joint credit card that he put his $7500 retainer on, and my medical bills from my gallblader issue.
Also he should be paying me going back to December, he left on the 2nd.
Consult your attorney and accountant and then act on their advice. Period.
It's easy to get emotional after reading a letter from your H's attorney. I remember that happening to me as well, even when I had been feeling strong for weeks, and even if what was communicated never even factored into the result. Remember it's written up in the best interest of your H, not yours, and likely also flavored to get you riled up. Take your time, settle down emotionally, and consider it rationally. As bttrfly states, it's a business negotiation at this point. The terms lay out by your H's attorney is the first lob over the all and likely not your best deal / the end result.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I am not trying to sound greedy, but...
No need to qualify your statement with "I'm not trying to sound greedy". You don't have to explain yourself here or to your H. He is making this choice based on his own (perceived) best interest - make sure you're looking out for your best interest. Get a deal that is best for you under the law. That's not being greedy, it's standing up for yourself and your rights.
Last edited by BL42; 02/28/2201:54 AM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
now you're sounding like someone with their business hat on. good goin!! you can ask your lawyer about how husband is comped and how to forestall game playing with that. if he can't come up with the lump sum, then he forgoes assets - house, retirement, etc.
he wants this D ...
he put this ball in motion.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Social Security is a non-issue. It works like this: if you were married for at least ten years, you have a choice when you reach full social security age - you can claim the full benefit based on your own earnings, or the spousal benefit which is 50% of his social security benefit (note: you can’t remarry until after you’re 60). If he dies, you can claim the widows benefit, which is 100% of his benefit (assuming this would be greater than yours). None of this affects his benefit or that of any future wife he might have, so it’s nothing to negotiate - it doesn’t affect him.
The only possible complicating factor might be if either of you has a government pension that didn’t pay into social security at all. Then there are issues with “double dipping” rules, which can reduce the amount of social security you get if you have a government pension that didn’t contribute to SS.
Attorneys are not all that great at the financial stuff, so good to consult with your accountant.
Thank you everyone... I am trying to think about this as a buisness, and keep the emotions seperated but its really hard. I will have to make a appointment with lawyer for this week.
Mornings are so hard and I get better as the day goes on. Ughhhh... I hate this, I don't want this. I will never understand how anyone could do this to another person.
I will never understand how anyone could do this to another person.
Stella we are trying to make you understand that he is not doing this to you. He is doing what he feels is necessary to make himself happy. Does that help when you look at it that way?
Your H is running. He is doing what he feels will make him not be in pain or torment. This really has nothing to do with you. You are collateral damage in his wake.
It is true that H has placed a target upon you. This is because he cannot look to his inner self and must blame externally. He incorrectly projects upon you. Do not buy into his narrative.
Time and space. H needs it. And plenty of both. Remove yourself from his sights and the target will get placed elsewhere.
You are on two paths - emotional and business. Keep them separated.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you everyone... I am trying to think about this as a buisness, and keep the emotions seperated but its really hard. I will have to make a appointment with lawyer for this week.
Mornings are so hard and I get better as the day goes on. Ughhhh... I hate this, I don't want this. I will never understand how anyone could do this to another person.
May I also suggest you make an appointment with your accountant?
Also, if morning is the worst, then give yourself permission to mourn for a specific length of time each morning, and try to put it out of your mind the rest of the day. That act of compartmentalization helped me tremendously.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Lots of good advice coming your way. I only have one comment that I can contribute. My financial folks suggested a cash payout for alimony. Their reasoning was that if he didn't pay, I'd avoid the cost of going after it later. On the other hand, my L advised payments versus a lump sum. He said there is something they add to the agreement that would make it difficult on my H if he 1) tried to get paid less in order to pay less and 2) that the value over time is harder to quantify in a lump sum. Especially if my H's pay increased later but I based the lump sum off of his current earnings.
I am not sure what I am doing yet as things are just getting started for me, but it shows that these conversations need to be had with both your accountant or financial consultants as well as your L to decide the best scenario. Also, try not to get caught up in individual details. Try to look at what will be the best full settlement result. There are many ways to get you to that result. So a loss on one thing might be a gain on something else. Hopefully this info is helpful.
Hang in there,
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
