Thank you for this. I agree with you…and that is why I have been very careful to give to many specific details to his family members and friends. And I’ve not agreed with my friend who wants me to spill the beans in detail. It’s her personality to strike back. I on the other hand do want to remain part of this family, I also have my step-sons to consider, and I also just realize that they would take sides and not believe everything I say. Who wants to admit their relative is a narcissist? Lol
I also am very careful to point out my own challenges and flaws. I admit I wasn’t always the best I could have been. But I did show up and I did try. I think they see that, and I think overall they see my response as graceful. So for that I am glad. They know i left the door open for reconciliation at first, so again, I made effort. In the end they will see a lot for themselves. I agree.
Yes, DnJ’s mantras are the best…. I have a few of these and other quotes on my refrigerator. Just to remind me each day!!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Yes, DnJ’s mantras are the best…. I have a few of these and other quotes on my refrigerator. Just to remind me each day!!
I’m not sure what happened. I had posted a response which seems to have gotten lost. Oh well.
V, Eagle, and DV have given excellent advice.
I think you did very well with the surprise visit. Being authentic and true to yourself is best. As well as taking the high road. Feelings are fleeting; take actions with that in mind and it will lead to very few regrets.
And yes, be better not bitter.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
They tell me I need to stop acting overwhelmed and stressed as people don’t want to be around that, and the I am better off without my H, so why am I still not moving on. They say “you are not the first person to have gone through this” and other dismissive things. I have one close GF nearby that I confide in, and I do have a few other friends that do check in on me on a regular basis, but it’s been very isolating and lonely for me. I know I do need to start IC again. And you are right that they may be the best ones to talk to, where others just don’t have the bandwidth or just don’t get it.
Wow--so your brother has the bandwidth to hear a friend's store of woe, but not yours?! That sounds odd. And isolating. An IC can be exactly the thing when you have oodles to say. Although, I'm finding writing oodles to myself can be nearly as effective! And you can always post here. Love hearing your updates, and glad to hear from you after some time. (:
Thanks DnJ. And Traveler, yes, they have shown strong and extended support for a widow who is a close friend, but I get a completely different lower level response. I try to remember that this is not just a direct conflict in the way they have responded, but rather that as a whole society treats D and betrayal as a completely different thing. I’ve also witnessed losses of spouses to death in all sides of my family and for them they rally the same way.
Unless someone has experienced it, they have no idea how this experience for many is worse than a death of a spouse. Not to belittle or lesson that devastation. This is because in death, one usually knows they were loved and it’s a serious loss, yes, but that of loving and secure connection. But in betrayal, its the loss of the person you thought you knew as well as the loss of yourself from the whole traumatic experience. It is NOT the loss of a secure and loving connection, instead its a loss of a relationship you come to realize was built on trauma, lies and deception, and I’d go as far to say mental abuse (gaslighting, etc). At least for a portion of the relationship, which can be even more confusing. Add MLC on top of that and you have years of suffering and rebuilding ahead of you, and you pretty much end up doing it alone, and feeling judged by others for struggling.
I know I need to find a new IC. But the hard part is I have so many things I HAVE to do…and the added stress of finding one is also a burden that I am struggling to handle. The more I have learned about relationships (healthy and unhealthy) and the more I realize that I have a lot of emotional stuff I am left to deal with, on top of the stress of D and moving, and my job situation not going well. It’s a bit overwhelming at the moment. So I just keep trying to make it one day at a time. I know it’s no replacement but I am reading self-help books and putting some energy into my healing and moving forward. So I’m not shut down. There is progress. But I also realize that I can only take myself so far. I just need to get through the next few months and hopefully I can have the energy to take on finding a good IC specializing in MLC, betrayal trauma, and narcissistic abuse.
Glad you dropped by! I appreciate it!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I know I need to find a new IC. But the hard part is I have so many things I HAVE to do…and the added stress of finding one is also a burden that I am struggling to handle. The more I have learned about relationships (healthy and unhealthy) and the more I realize that I have a lot of emotional stuff I am left to deal with, on top of the stress of D and moving, and my job situation not going well. It’s a bit overwhelming at the moment. So I just keep trying to make it one day at a time. I know it’s no replacement but I am reading self-help books and putting some energy into my healing and moving forward. So I’m not shut down. There is progress. But I also realize that I can only take myself so far. I just need to get through the next few months and hopefully I can have the energy to take on finding a good IC specializing in MLC, betrayal trauma, and narcissistic abuse.
Perhaps you could see IC as a tool to help with all of the other stress. Perspective can have a strong hold on how we make our decisions. What if you saw as a self care tool? A tool that can provide guidance of how to deal with the stress, moving, job situation? What if you saw it as aid versus a burden? Just some suggestions to sit with.
You will go back when you are ready. Continuing to be aware and open to the idea is being way ahead of the game.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Perhaps you could see IC as a tool to help with all of the other stress. Perspective can have a strong hold on how we make our decisions. What if you saw as a self care tool? A tool that can provide guidance of how to deal with the stress, moving, job situation? What if you saw it as aid versus a burden? Just some suggestions to sit with.
You will go back when you are ready. Continuing to be aware and open to the idea is being way ahead of the game.
I am in total agreement with you. But there are many things I am needing to do that will be ways to help me move forward or will alleviate some stress. The problem is still that I am in a place where I am overwhelmed by it all. I am really shut down at the moment. I don’t see the value in just finding some random IC on an app. I want and need someone who will help me and, that is like looking for a job. It takes research, interviews, etc. I can barely get through what I am working on, to add that to my plate.
But thank you for the encouragement and the understanding. I will get there eventually…I know I need too.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
On a positive note, I met with my financial folks and got some details on my situation for the divorce as well as some idea of how my future might look. And even if it isn’t the greatest, it also isn’t dire. So that did rest a lot of fears in my head and gave me some comfort.
Work is getting even more crazy. Key management and employees are jumping ship. All our expenses and work are being micromanaged by the parent company. My invoices are now being paid over thirty days late, and I am not secure in knowing that the hours I continue to work will be paid. I also have no contract. So a lot of insecurity and stress there too.
My STBXH texted me to ask if I could meet him for a drink. I thought WTF? At no time since he moved out has there been a meeting for anything other than working through something that needed to happen. Definitely, nothing that is social like a drink. It seemed very out of the blue and I didn’t even realize he was in town (without the OW apparently). I replied that I preferred to text and we just discussed the kids and parents and nothing specific. I did hear that he saw his sister after I did, so maybe that triggered something. I also heard from one of his friends that he reached out to him as well…which was the first convo in a very long time. I know I shouldn’t try to analyze any of these behaviors, but it’s hard not to after so much time where things have been going the same. Maybe he’s starting to awaken to the damage that he has done. If so, then that is a good thing.
Mentally, I am just in freeze mode and I’m struggling to get myself out of it. With all the loneliness and uncertainty in my life along with the unease about what is happening in the broader world right now (and a real danger of WW3) I’m really finding it difficult to move forward. I forced myself to go for a walk yesterday and I’m trying to do self care. I think I have been such a strong person in my life and all of this has just shattered me so much that I am finding it hard to function now that I no longer feel any control over my life or my future. Logically, I know this is not fully true. I logically realize there are things I can do that I do have control over, I’m just struggling to get my body to do them. I’m reading the Abandonment book and it has exercises to counter this, so I hope to try to get into those. Some of this is also probably around learning how to handle my emotions without the antidepressants. As I have been on them for so long, it makes sense that I would have to relearn some of the ways of getting through them. That was my goal after all for getting off of them. And I was tired of feeling numb…even if feeling frozen is pretty similar.
Well, it’s the weekend and I should try to focus on some tasks on my plate that I’ve been putting off. Thanks friends for listening and for being here for me. And for your encouragement.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
On a positive note, I met with my financial folks and got some details on my situation for the divorce as well as some idea of how my future might look. And even if it isn’t the greatest, it also isn’t dire. So that did rest a lot of fears in my head and gave me some comfort.
Great news Elerbeth!! That is such a relief, isn’t it. I know things got better for me after I figured out I would be okay.
Originally Posted by Elerbeth
My STBXH texted me to ask if I could meet him for a drink. I thought WTF? At no time since he moved out has there been a meeting for anything other than working through something that needed to happen. Definitely, nothing that is social like a drink. It seemed very out of the blue and I didn’t even realize he was in town (without the OW apparently). I replied that I preferred to text and we just discussed the kids and parents and nothing specific.
I’m impressed you declined to meet with him. I would have been flabbergasted as well, if I were you. Also a bit curious…lol. Good for you for upholding your boundaries.
Originally Posted by Elerbeth
Mentally, I am just in freeze mode and I’m struggling to get myself out of it. With all the loneliness and uncertainty in my life along with the unease about what is happening in the broader world right now (and a real danger of WW3) I’m really finding it difficult to move forward.
I hear you on that one. I can’t recall ever being this concerned about the state of the world. Praying every day that the world’s leaders find a peaceful way out of this although that is looking less and less likely as they days go by.
You’re not alone Elerbeth. You have a whole community of people pulling for you. Big ((((HUGS))) my friend. <3
Depression is a necessary step towards acceptance. An interesting hallmark is the feelings regarding one’s uncertain future (lacking control for example).
I found depression to be kind of odd. It is definitely along our emotional journey, yet expresses itself more as a feeling of mental drain and less emotionally than sorrow or anger. The tie/influence between emotion and intellectual realms - our emotions being depressed or numbed, exert a similar affect upon our mental outlook. And all that affects our physical behaviour too. Not to fret. The overcast gloom does lift. The clouds do part and the light will shine through.
Nice to see you out for walks and such, and keeping up with self care.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
On a positive note, I met with my financial folks and got some details on my situation for the divorce as well as some idea of how my future might look. And even if it isn’t the greatest, it also isn’t dire. So that did rest a lot of fears in my head and gave me some comfort.
Good for you. Yes, look to the positives. And let go the fear. For a long time things were less known and that “norm” takes a while to unwind or alter.
And well done with H and keeping to texting with no drinks. That was certainly a WTF moment from H.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
