Had an interesting chat with SD22 today. She called to ask about spending some time with my dog and we chatted for a bit. She’s been in training for a new job (full time, better pay and benefits!!) so has been pretty busy. Somehow the topic got around to XH and OW. She mentioned that she had accidentally (?) received a FB or IG post involving XH or OW (can’t remember which) and that she had gotten curious so “hurt my own feelings again.” I thought that was an odd statement to make so I asked her what she meant by that. She then goes on to tell me that she looked up XH and OW’s FB (her dad’s 3rd or 4th FB page, she says) and then OW’s IG. She was shocked and also horrified to see selfies and group photos with both XH and OW from 2016!!! That was a year before we even moved to the Island… two years before I even knew OW existed. WTF?!?! I guess NOTHING should surprise me anymore but I know for a fact that in early 2016, XH was seen with a different woman by a friend of mine who said they were obviously more than friends. So did he have a relationship with both women at the same time or had he just met OW or what?!?! No wonder he was so gung ho to move here. The only thing that still doesn’t really make sense is that he spent the first eight months after our move close to home with me and our family before he started disappearing for his “treatments” again. I know she had had an abusive boyfriend shortly before getting together with him so maybe she was still in that relationship when we got here? It is so confusing and I know, before anyone says anything, not worth my time to try to figure out but geez…just really hits home how f’ed up my marriage really was and also how f’ed up he was. I don’t know how he kept anything straight. It is all just so bizarre. Could SD22 have been wrong about the dates?
Anyway…I just told SD22 not to spend too much time trying to figure it out or blaming herself for the challenges in her relationship with her dad. She could have been the best of the best in everything she did and there would have still been problems because that is just who he was/is. In other words… this is not about you kiddo…it’s your dad’s stuff. I told her he believes he has fixed his life by adopting a completely new one and the only two things in his mind that keep reminding him of his old life (which I know is a source of shame for him) is his annoying ex-wife who he has to communicate with because of the kids and his eldest daughter who isn’t willing to just forget everything and start over the way he wants her to. She wants and needs him to acknowledge the crappy things he did and the ways in which he let her down before they can repair their relationship and he just isn’t strong enough to do that. It is just so, so, so sad that he cannot see past his own needs to really see and respond to hers. She is such a cool kid. It breaks my heart that he is missing out on these years with her and vice versa. Even though she gets it intellectually, emotionally she is still just a little girl inside who wants the unconditional love and approval of her dad.
Anyway…I’m going to keep this information to myself IRL. XMIL doesn’t need to know more f’ed up stuff about her son and his new wife and I don’t need to give my family any more reasons to think he is a jerk. Things have really settled and we are coparenting well so I do not want to negatively impact that in any way. Plus…we have future graduations, weddings, births, etc… to share with out kids and I would like those events to be as pleasant and as drama-free as possible. (((HUGS))) to all!!
UGH. Yes, so creepy to find these things out. I doubt SD22 got the dates wrong. Maybe H was having an online thing with OW when you first moved there, or maybe they were on a temporary break. Certainly does explain his interest in moving there.
Sorry that you still have to co-parent with him for so long. SD22 is really lucky to have you in her life.
You know…it’s so strange KML. Despite all of it, I still care about the guy. Not in the way I did before but enough that I don’t like seeing him stressed or sad and or struggling to keep things together the way he is right now. My son mentioned that he has been sleeping at the hospital with OW and then getting up early to drive them to school. If he is sleeping there, things must be really, really serious. I went and got D14 from his place to take her to volleyball so he could go to the hospital instead of waiting around until she’s done. She said she was happy to go because it takes her mind off of what’s going on with her stepmom. I didn’t press her for info but all signs lead me to believe she is rejecting the liver as she hasn’t been able to keep down any medications and has been there for a week now. XH also mentioned that he may have to go to the mainland which makes me think she may need to be transferred there.
Why am I so sad about this??? I mean, I did say that I wanted the karma bus to hit him. But I was thinking more along the lines of someone he loves cheating on him and leaving him in a cloud of dust. I wasn’t thinking about this. This is like the karma bus hitting him and then backing up and driving over him multiple times…her too. She’s only 40 years old. Honestly…this is really weighing on me and I am so worried for my kids and how it is going to impact them and their dad’s ability to parent them if the worst happens.
Sometimes this just feels like a really bad dream. I look at pictures of when our kids were babies and I remember how excited and simultaneously terrified we were. Him pushing me in a wheelchair out of the hospital doors with two little babies in my arms and our 50 KmH drive on the highway towards what I thought would be an amazing future. How did it all go so wrong? How many points were there where I could have made a different choice…or he could have. I know…I wasn’t the one who broke my vows and lied for year but somehow I still feel 50 per cent responsible. Anyway…a useless exercise to think about these things, I know. I just keep thinking that there has to be a life lesson in all of this somehow that I need to be grateful for. I am grateful for my health at least…so there’s that. But I would be a whole lot more grateful if she would just get better and they could be married for 30 years because then it would at least seem like it had all been worth it to someone. But if she doesn’t survive this, it will just feel like all of it will have been for nothing and that feels so much worse to me than the two of them living happily every after. Is that completely crazy for me to feel this way?!?
Why am I so sad about this??? I mean, I did say that I wanted the karma bus to hit him. But I was thinking more along the lines of someone he loves cheating on him and leaving him in a cloud of dust. I wasn’t thinking about this. This is like the karma bus hitting him and then backing up and driving over him multiple times…her too. She’s only 40 years old. Honestly…this is really weighing on me and I am so worried for my kids and how it is going to impact them and their dad’s ability to parent them if the worst happens.
I hear you - while I wouldn’t have minded if someone had dumped my ex, just so he could have some understanding of the pain he’d inflicted on me, I do still feel an almost maternal concern for him. I’m sorry he’s had the medical problems he’s had lately. I hope his marriage stays stable so his new wife can care for him in his old age. I hope he doesn’t mess it up by cheating on her too. I want stability in his life so it doesn’t affect our kids.
Karma is not illness or tragedy. Karma might be something that happens that teaches you a lesson to right the universe a little, but Illness and tragedy is just unfortunate.
KML…I get what you said about having a maternal instinct towards your XH. I think that’s what it is.
Ginger…Thanks. I try to be.
Kids are back with me. D14 said she saw OW outside the hospital and that she was able to walk outside with a walker so is doing a bit better apparently. Still not well enough to leave. Not sure when or if that will happen but hopefully sometime in the near future.
Speaking of… I had a moment the other night. I was at XH’s place dropping D14 off and went inside to see S14 and bring him a bagel he had asked me for. Saw a picture on the wall. It had three large hearts with pieces of a map in each of them and a star to mark a spot on the map. Underneath each heart were some words and a date. The first heart had a map of our city with a star where XH’s school would be and it said Hello? with a date of September 2017…can’t recall the exact day. This appears to represent when they first met…or at least when they want people to think they met. The second said Will you? and had a date of March 23, 2019 with a star on Waikiki. The third was their wedding date and it said I do.
So strange to me. I wanted to add a few words… “Hello…married man with kids?” “Will you…even though I am still married and I only told my wife a week ago that you were more than just a roommate I barely knew?” Our kids look at that first date and they KNOW that dad was still married and we were together then. Four months after that we took a family vacation to Mexico. WTF?!? It basically says… “See kids… it is perfectly okay to cheat on the mother of your children and live a double life underneath your family’s noses for months, or in his case, years.” Ugh. What an awesome message to give our kids.
So that was my moment. It didn’t upset me in any real way but seeing a record of his cheating displayed on a wall like it’s something to be proud of was a little bizarre.
Back from my weekend with XH1 and his family. Had a great time. My nephews are hilarious and kept me laughing on the drive there and back. The B&B my in-laws booked for me was awesome. A little two-room cabin that had been completely renovated complete with a rope swing in a huge willow tree and two beautiful Clydesdale horses in the pasture next door. No internet or tv which was kinda cool for a change.
First night had dinner with XH, his sister and his parents. Amazing food and nice wine. Lots of laughter and memories shared. MIL is clearly struggling with some sort of dementia… likely due to her drinking. MIL was what I refer to as a “functional alcoholic”. Not noticeably inebriated but always had a beer in her hand. Her dad was the same way.
The next day, I spent the morning with XH’s parents and sister. He spent the morning with his D15 and came back in the afternoon. He and I went to dinner at one of our favourite restaurants. The restaurant is filled with photos of residents that the owner had collected over the years. Imagine our surprise when he glances over at the photos on the ledge next to him and sees a picture of his parents on their wedding day. We asked his parents about it and they said they had given her the picture years ago but had never actually seen it. What were the odds?? Anyway…we had a fantastic dinner (crème brûlée for dessert!!) and talked about a lot of things. It was really, really easy just being around each other. We both said that if it had been a first date, we would definitely have wanted a second one…lol. And that we are very grateful for the love that we still share and a friendship that will last a lifetime no matter what the future brings. We didn’t talk about what that future might look like in relation to one another. It felt like there was an unspoken understanding between us that our friendship is just too important to jeopardize it by acting on any feelings that might still exist between us. We both have kids to launch and will be seven hours apart for the foreseeable future so it just wouldn’t be worth it. Maybe in five years if we are both still single, there would be a possibility but now is definitely not the time. I’m just happy that our friendship is still really solid.
Sunday was breakfast with some old friends. So good to see them!!! We had not seen each other in 21 years. One of my friends, who I thought would be single for life, got married last year. He married his high school girlfriend. I didn’t get to meet her unfortunately as she wasn’t feeling too well so didn’t come. He looks happy though which was great to see. XH came along too and we realized that out of all our couple friends that we hung out with back in the day, everyone is still married except for us. Tried not to see that as a failure…lol. In the afternoon, we headed out to his oldest sister’s house (nephews’ mom) for an Easter potluck with family members on both sides of her family and neighbours. They have 45 acres of wilderness so XH and I went on a bit of a hike and he talked about wanting to build a tiny house out there.
XH had to turn in early on Sunday night so I took a drive to the next town over where I had lived after he and I separated. It is a tourism Mecca in the summer time and has grown a fair amount - especially in the downtown area. The drive was bizarrely emotional for me. Not sure why. I think i was maybe just thinking about all of the time that had passed since I moved and what my life might have been like if I’d made different decisions. Also thinking about how quickly time passes and how precious life is.
Speaking of…found out yesterday that one of my college roommates died on Sunday. She had pancreatic cancer and was 53. I had heard recently that she wasn’t well and had planned to reach out to her when I got back from my visit but sadly I waited too long. Her funeral is tomorrow afternoon. Not sure if I am going yet or not. We were good friends back in the day but had lost touch over the years so it feels a bit awkward to show up for her funeral when I haven’t seen her in so long. She was such a fun and happy person. When I close my eyes, I can still hear her laugh. It was infectious. I remember she met her husband half way through our school year and decided not to come back after that. I thought she was nuts for going back to our home town but this year was their 30th anniversary so I guess she made a good decision after all.
On the XH2 front… his wife returned home on Tuesday. She is pretty weak and needs a walker to get around. D14 says she seems “half there” so I imagine she is on some heavy duty medication. Also probably pretty depressed given her situation. From what I have read about liver transplants, she is facing an uphill battle. It is promising that she’s been able to return home though so maybe there is more hope than what I had surmised. Keeping my fingers crossed for them.
Anyway…that’s all for now. Planning another visit to XH’s in July. It is his parents’ 60th wedding anniversary so I want to be there to wish them well. Sister and BIL are probably coming too.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you both. Yes…pancreatic cancer is the disease that took my dad from me. He lasted 18 months past his diagnosis. The last few months were AWFUL. I would not wish that disease on anyone. He was 66 and up until then, had been the picture of health. Third person I know personally who has passed from it. The third person was a neighbourhood boy from my childhood who lived a few houses away. He died a couple years ago at the age of 50. Very sad.
My weekend was really good. Looking forward to my next trip in July.
