I did not engage at all like old Doug would have. I quietly allowed her to let off steam and nodded a few times. It was more of an overall, emotional rip job in which her mood and state of mind (overwhelmed?) definitely factored in. So, was it textbook verbal validation from me? Not quite. But it was certainly a 180 from how I would respond to that sort of thing in the past.
Keep working at it! I agree it's great she could feel safe sharing with you.
Originally Posted by Doug54
it really feels like W has moved on
Consider if she still has feelings to vent at you, she hasn't completely moved on from you.
I re-read your initial situation thread and am convinced I see many similarities between your W and mine, from the cake-eating to the lack of being grounded in reality to the distance and doing most things separate. It's not a reassuring outlook but I'm glad to have a dose of reality on how these things often play out, rather than meandering around cluelessly.
I would rather be divorced 1,000 times over than living how you are living right now. Being reminded constantly how you are not good enough is soul sucking. Just know your feelings right now are temporary.
Originally Posted by Doug54
As far as things getting worse before they get better...yeah, probably. I wonder what form that will take. I know for you, you said it was undoubtedly over when she told her parents. I know in my situation right now, W knows I won't "walk" because I've stated I'm not leaving the house.
I have friends who have been living this way for years.
Appreciate the feedback, Mach. I've seen a correlation between how W seems to feel overall / how much she has on her plate, and how she acts towards me. Good mood / low stress = more outgoing & more interactions with Doug. She tends to curb the attitude with others even if she's not feeling it, i.e. she'll bite her tongue towards the older kids rather than let her mood dictate the interaction.
The part I bolded above is spot-on. I mean, there's no question. However, I feel like it's too little, too late for the MR. I don't plan to slam shut any doors with words or actions, but it really feels like W has moved on. But, I feel like I've gotten a lot better in dealing with things since I read DR and found this board, and I have IC today for the first time in three weeks (therapist was out of town). So there's that.
The mood is dictated also by who is around at that time...
The person that she is angriest at....is Doug....or so she thinks...
She will walk away from these conversations wondering who the heck you are, and why did she just tell you that ?
For now, she may curb the conversations with the kids , however.....
Without you, she would have never had kids.....
Without you, she would be happier...
Without you, the world is flat...
Without you, the tire wouldn't have went flat on the Pope mobile...
blah, blah, blah.....BS....
Try to listen when she comes to you, try to validate, and thank her for her thoughts.
When she spews, walk away and let her know that when she calms, you will once again listen...
She is still there, and she will say that she is trying, and because that doesn't look like what YOU think it should be, doesn't mean it's not happening....
Remember her truth and your truth ? Same thing....
All of that anger and frustration HAS to come out before anything can be any different for the future...
The decision that I spoke of, is the one you are dancing around....
The decision to choose you...
And you can say that you already have, although there is still a LOT of you, basing your decisions on what you think that she may or may not do......
And that Doug, is allowing her to define you....
Don't tell me when you do, I will be able to tell by where your thoughts are...
So third grade dating game here....
Check yes or no....
Is it too late ?
___yes ___no
Has she moved on ?
___yes ___no
Is she in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions ??
___yes ___no
Does she get to write the ending of YOUR book ?
___yes ___no
What are you gonna discuss with your IC ???
Because we as humans, really do work toward our goals.....
