I agree with R2C. Really good to see someone that instinctually DB'd. The instinct to pressure, pursue, beg, cry, and give all of the power to walkaway is intense. Spiral right from the get-go was on point. Spiral, I think you made a couple of mistakes, like breaking no contact, etc, but in general you were a DBing ninja. I struggled a lot in my sitch even though I knew about DBing! Took me 2 days to remember DBing. And while our outcomes were different, yours is as much a success story as anyone's! Well done.
Keep us updated on how things proceed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I work out a lot. It is a key component of my GAL and it always makes me feel a lot better. Some days, I work out twice and I certainly did that a lot at the beginning. And when I'm feeling down, I go out and talk to other people. I make friends rather easily and there are a lot of lonely folks out there who just want to talk to someone. I'm not shy. I also stay very busy and very productive.
I try to play to my strengths so that I can make progress and never sit on the couch thinking when I feel bad. But perhaps the biggest piece of it was having confidence that I would have the outcome that I wanted if I just stayed focused, had patience, and executed the plan. My confidence wasn't misplaced, I did get the outcome that I wanted. I just didn't save my marriage. She never looked back or reconsidered.
It's probably much better this way though. I'm happy with my new life and looking forward to what the future brings. It was too bad that things happened the way they did, but everything seems to have worked out for everyone. I've made a lot of progress rebuilding my life, I am living the way I want to live, and I am improving myself. My ex and OM seem to be doing fine and they appear to take good care of the children when they are over there. My ex and I don't fight over child custody or parenting. Things are peaceful. And sometimes that is a great outcome.
My daughters are still obsessed with who I have dinner and coffee with. And it's impossible to tell whether that's their mother driving the issue or whether it's my daughters' concern. But it doesn't really matter. Since I'm what they call "emotionally unavailable," I figure that it's for the best that I stay single and I do. Of course, some women find men who are friendly, who listen, and who are emotionally unavailable very attractive. So, I don't have to have dinner or coffee alone unless I want to and most of the time I do.
As for my mistakes, before BD, my ex was no longer my top priority. I put work and myself ahead of her and it was that way for quite a while. She was, and appears to still be, OM's top priority. That's often what lies at the heart of a lot of these sitchs and it is understandable why that was so irresistible to her. Not that her leaving that way was right. There were better ways to have done it.
I also spent a tremendous amount of time in IC going over my weaknesses and making changes. But when your spouse is 100% gone and living with someone else, that really doesn't make much difference and I can understand and accept that my personal growth didn't change things for her.
I just read through your entire thread and man I wished I had instinctually taken up DBing the way you did. So for that, kudos to you. You've gotten some fantastic feedback from many respectable vets here and looks like you have a great mindset within this storm.
Originally Posted by Spiral
I work out a lot. It is a key component of my GAL and it always makes me feel a lot better. Some days, I work out twice and I certainly did that a lot at the beginning. And when I'm feeling down, I go out and talk to other people. I make friends rather easily and there are a lot of lonely folks out there who just want to talk to someone. I'm not shy. I also stay very busy and very productive.
the importance of GAL cannot be underestimated. It is what got me out of my funk and put me on a path of self-discovery and recovery. the pandemic kinda took that away for a long time but I am back in the gym now and it has been such a godsend. the gym is ME time and I take full advantage of that to get my physical and mental health in gear.
Originally Posted by Spiral
I try to play to my strengths so that I can make progress and never sit on the couch thinking when I feel bad. But perhaps the biggest piece of it was having confidence that I would have the outcome that I wanted if I just stayed focused, had patience, and executed the plan. My confidence wasn't misplaced, I did get the outcome that I wanted. I just didn't save my marriage. She never looked back or reconsidered.
the main outcome of DBing is to first save yourself. I know nobody wants to hear this but most marriages aren't worth saving. And she hasn't looked back YET or reconsidered. So often I have seen here that by the time the WAS does look back and wants to piece, the LBS has already fortified themselves and moved on, and is not interested in the work that would need to happen to restore the marriage. Your timeline is still pretty fresh and new; just give it time. If she ever considers coming back, you might be in a place where you don't want that.
Originally Posted by Spiral
As for my mistakes, before BD, my ex was no longer my top priority. I put work and myself ahead of her and it was that way for quite a while. She was, and appears to still be, OM's top priority. That's often what lies at the heart of a lot of these sitchs and it is understandable why that was so irresistible to her. Not that her leaving that way was right. There were better ways to have done it.
I also spent a tremendous amount of time in IC going over my weaknesses and making changes. But when your spouse is 100% gone and living with someone else, that really doesn't make much difference and I can understand and accept that my personal growth didn't change things for her.
Yes, we all (LBS) made mistakes in our marriages and it's good that you're recognizing where you fell short. But, the way she decided to act on that is totally on her. There are plenty of couples where they go to counseling or try many other approaches before deciding to split. Don't beat yourself up on how she decided to leave.
I disagree with you that the time spent in IC makes no difference. You've made a helluva lotta progress in self-awareness and understanding through IC, and that in itself is worthy of note. Your personal growth is for you and the impact of it will radiate through your life and your kids lives. I also spent time in IC bettering myself and doing exactly what you did, and it didn't make a lick of difference to exW, but it wasn't for her, it was for me. I am so much better for having done it.
Just continue on your path and keep posting updates. I think it is quite important that other LBS, either recent or a few years into it like me, see how you're handling it and they can get some perspective and insight into their own lives.
I'm sorry what you and your kids had to go through. I know how tough this is. Keep up with the GAL and focus on achieving things in your life that matter to you and be a present and loving dad. Everything else will fall into place.
And yeh, have a good cry at some point listening to sad music does the trick for me.
Came across your screenname in BobP's thread and just re-read it. Great attitude and strength during your sitch.
It's been 6 months. If you read this, how about an update for the board?
Two lines stuck out I wanted to highlight:
Originally Posted by Spiral
Today, she asked me if I would always be there for her. I said no because she fired me as her husband and replaced me as her best friend. She didn't say anything else.
Great response! I couldn't help but smile at that one.
Originally Posted by LH19
Spiral is a strong man and his W has made a big mistake.
Amen, LH!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I picked the hill for my last stand. I hunkered down with a copy of Divorce Busting, advice from the forum, and the good book. The enemy shelled the hill unceasingly for months and months on end. Once it seemed like it would never stop and that the enemy was away moments from taking the hill. But I stuck to the battle plan. I focused on saving me. I prayed. Somewhere along the way, I discovered that the enemy never had the artillery or the ammo needed to take the hill. I didn't wait for reinforcements. I launched an immediate counter-offensive. Battle scars remain. But reconstruction has begun in earnest. Morale is high. Resolve is unbroken. I will never waiver in the face of adversity again. The forces around here are battle-hardened.
The second anniversary of BD came and went months ago. I didn't even realize it for a week. I have no interest in going back. I'm going forward alone. The Ex and OM are still together. But the divorce proceedings have stalled. I took Another Stander's advice and did nothing to move them forward for almost 18 months. Neither did she. The time to move forward has come. Now, the Ex is moving things forward as slowly as possible. I don't know why. I have theories thouugh. But it isn't a desire to reconcile and there's no reason to do that at this point. From my perspective, she never looked back. Most everything in my sitch went the same way most folks' sitches go. Except my Ex has apologized a number of times and is very nice to me.
It's been some time since my last update. She filed a request to dismiss the divorce petition. I decided not to object. The court dismissed the divorce proceedings. She has never mentioned it to me and I have not inquired about it. I think she's still planning to get married to OM or at least that's what she tells people. She says everything is still perfect in paradise with her, OM, and our children half of the time. As far as I know it is. I wonder if OM knows. I have moved on with my life.
She filed a request to dismiss the divorce petition. I decided not to object. The court dismissed the divorce proceedings.
Just to clarify...you're still married and there are no more divorce actions before the court?
Originally Posted by Spiral
I think she's still planning to get married to OM or at least that's what she tells people.
How does this align with the above? I could see not doing bothering to further the process, but she actually took action to stop the proceedings? Is there any financial component to keeping the status quo, or has your separation drawn a line in the sand money-wise?
Originally Posted by Spiral
She says everything is still perfect in paradise with her, OM, and our children half of the time. As far as I know it is. I wonder if OM knows.
Yeah...very odd situation.
Originally Posted by Spiral
I have moved on with my life.
Let me know if your model has a friend - I'm up for a double date.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yes, at the end of the process, I find myself married with no more divorce actions pending and she actually decided to withdraw the proceedings. When I asked her why, she pointed out that I said I didn't want to get a divorce. Of course, that was immediately following BD and now it is almost three years later. Then, I asked her if she was being serious considering how much time had passed. And she was. At that point, I knew enough not to pursue the conversation.
She's also started texting me much more frequently, bringing me food, expressing regret, and things like that.
KML,
I'm in the top 1% in terms of income and professional status. OM is not. So, there are some perks for her to being separated rather than divorced and I am sure that she misses parts of her old life. That's probably all that there is to it. What's hard for me to understand is why OM is willing to put up with it.
listening to sad music does the trick for me.