Walkaway Wife Help

[Mach1]

It's not that I thought one dinner date, massage, and sex was going to fix the entire relationship but maybe for her to start to at least see/acknowledge the connection we had and tilt in the direction or tick the ball forward of wanting to be an active participant in the resolution department.

The issue with that is that often times it is mis-interpreted by the WAW, (WA-women in particular) that things leading to sex reinforces to them that all we cavemen want from them, and all of our gallant efforts eventually lead to just having sex. That we somehow only want them for their bodies and want to forget about them as a person.

Men need the physical aspect before we can engage in the emotional part of sex. Women are wired exactly the opposite of us, in that they need the emotional part of a relationship to have them crave the physical side of things. And I'm not saying that it isn't always that way, yet in a typical long term relationship, that has been my experience with it.

I really believe with counseling we could get back to the best place we've ever been with intimacy, communication, etc. But it's getting her to be a willing participant that we've had problems with. Without that, there isn't any point.

Something to keep in mind with that....

That is YOUR fix, and it may not be hers. She doesn't want or need you to fix this for her. And as long as she is feeling that you are trying to push it, she will rebel against it....

In counseling I hear my wife say things like, "In my head I've convinced myself I'm done" and so now I "feel done". It's almost like she's in a trance and playing chess against herself and loosing.

And it also pisses me off because I have texts from a month or two ago where she seems so unsure and says thinks like "I think just need time. It feels like too much all at once. Pressure, etc.".

So to now saying "I'm done" so casually, I don't see how she could have complete clarity in that decision that quickly. Which I know is probably because of the pressure and why the break is probably the best thing...but it it blows.

Most WAS's will go to great lengths to convince themselves that they did everything imaginable to "fix" the relationship before they can justify them walking away.

In reality, in their minds, they DID do everything that they knew how to do, and just like above, because it doesn't/didn't match what you thought it might look like doesn't make them incorrect.

You are going to find that there are 3 versions of the story. Your side, her side, and somewhere in the middle is where the true story is. And just because your side doesn't match her side, doesn't make her version any less true. It's true to her, and she is the only person that she is concerned with right now.

Yes, I see how quick she can flip. It was shocking actually going from thinking I would continue the positive momentum from our date and intimacy that night to immediately back to withdrawn.

Ahhh....the b!tch switch !!!

Wait until you see it flip in real time ....

One thing that really bothered me is the lack of acknowledgement on her side on how well our date together went. The chemistry and connection was undeniable yet she minimized it when we talked in counseling. She said, yeah those were great memories that we relived but it doesn't change how I'm feeling.

Yeah, our conversations were great but when a couple is in a good place, there is an aura of a connection and I felt like we had that. But she is too blind to see it with this convincing herself of "being done".

Like I said above....It went well according to your version of the truth...

You don't know how it went from her side....

It really could have been a...

Yep, he really went to great lengths just to get some a$$....


You're doing pretty good for it being so early in your situation, yet you need to learn to follow and trust the process....


Most of us posting are coming from the experiences that we've had ...

[JosephS]

It appears that you are having a hard time letting go of the woman you think you know. Treat her as someone you just met.

I'm glad you had a good time, but you don't know what she was feeling or thinking. You know what you were. That's that, it sometimes can be that simple. My guess is she went so it's easier to walk away so she can say she tried everything. Just a hunch.

Let go of what happened over the weekend and move forward. The lack of acknowledgement on her end tells you everything.

[Ready2Change]

The more you try to fix your marriage, the more you are going to break it.

What you fear, you will bring to reality. You fear losing her and the M. Do not let fear control you.


As a man reading your post from your POV of what went down, I was rolling my eyes. Nothing attractive or exciting. Supplicating, manipulative, and needy. Stop using sex as a measuring stick.

Was she pursuing you or were you pursing her? Which of these two options sounds like what you want in a relationship.


Embrace every aspect of the DBing principals.


You have to drop the rope. She needs to feel like she has lost you before you have any chance. Put your needs on hold. Give her what she needs.

List out everything that SHE NEEDS. Then list out how you can behave to meet those needs.

This will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Do it strength and honor.


We are on your side.

[Kind18]

But it's getting her to

That one statement is your problem.

You can’t get ANY WS/WAS to do ANYTHING.

You really are a passenger on this ride. The minute you start trying to direct things, they will rebel.

If you tell a WS/WAW/MLC in crisis they have to accept the sky is blue, they will scream (and also be convinced in their own mind) that it’s pink.

Every time you do stuff like try to seduce her or go to counselling with a view to getting her to realise something or commit to something, you’re getting closer to the end of your marriage.

She needs to work this stuff out for herself and WANT to be with you.

[BL42]

br4nd0n,

Did you read Sandi2's 37 Rules yet?

What have we been saying directly to you, and what advice have you read from other threads?

*Do NOT engage in MC unless W is fully committed to make the R work.
*Do NOT initiate R talks.
*Do NOT pressure or pursuit.
*Detach
*Give space

How did anything in your approach/update align with that advice?

[br4nd0n]

BL42,

I know I need to do better.

The truth is, my heart is shattered into a million pieces and I had just refused to accept this is as truly the last and only chance I have in possibly saving the relationship with the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

It has been really hard for me.

Like I said, I know I need to do better.

[BL42]

br4nd0n,

BL42,

I know I need to do better.

The truth is, my heart is shattered into a million pieces and I had just refused to accept this is as truly the last and only chance I have in possibly saving the relationship with the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

It has been really hard for me.

Like I said, I know I need to do better.

I know man. It's awful. Incredibly difficult.

You can't change the encounter now, it's in the past - pick yourself up and do better going forward.

You WILL get through this and you WILL be alright - no matter which way it goes.

[Kind18]

The truth is, my heart is shattered into a million pieces and I had just refused to accept this is as truly the last and only chance I have in possibly saving the relationship with the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

We know man 😢 My heart breaks for you.

It’s genuinely the hardest thing you’ll ever go through in your life.

There’s not much more we can say. There’s no magic words to take away your pain.

My only advice is:

- it will get better. Not quickly… but trust me, it will one day be okay

- the best thing you can do right now is exercise your body physically to the point of exhaustion

Hang in there mate.

You’re strapped into a seat on the world’s scariest and most violent roller coaster. You can either scream, cry, rage, attempt to change the direction of the carriage or try to undo the harness - or you can accept there’s nothing you can do right now. Even though it’s terrifying, you’re not going to die, and eventually the ride will end and you’ll be okay.

Time to drop the rope.

[Ready2Change]

The truth is, my heart is shattered into a million pieces

We understand. We have been there.

... truly the last and only chance I have in possibly saving the relationship with the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

You will have many more chances. The issue is in you behavior. Will she like what she sees? None of us know. But the real question will YOU like what you see in your new behavior?

[BL42]

So br4nd0...what are you doing to make yourself a better, stronger, more attractive man? Be specific. Are you hitting the gym yet? Have you started to upgrade your wardrobe? What self help books are you reading? How's your GAL?