WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1.5 Year Divorced (8)

[Mach1]

I wonder, after reading that....

I wonder if your X-FIL is having some feelings of failure on his part. He's caught somewhere in between feeling like he failed in some way with his daughter, and vowing to do everything that he can to be different with his grand-daughter.

I think a lot of that comes from the primal male instinct to be "fixers".

I would venture that a lot of his anger is coming from feeling the loss of 'control' from everything that has happened. Feeling the resentment and anxiety from the interactions.

No matter how much or how hard he tries, he can't change what has happened.

I would also think that he sees how good of a parent you are, and his loyalty should be with his Daughter, yet he feels torn between the loyalty to her and his loyalty to his grandchildren.

Loyalty to her is to not have contact with you...

Loyalty to them means forming a relationship with you also...

Blood is thicker than water....always. And he could quite possibly be having a hard time in finding that balance and separating the two things.

Either way....IMO you deal with it in two ways...

You let things stay as they are and YOU struggle....

Or you have a conversation with him...

Hey man, I'm not sure if you are trying to treat me with a lack of courtesy and respect, however, the parenting of our children isn't a negotiable event that all can attend. I keep you in the loop as a courtesy. However, if you feel that you want to continue to treat me with anger and disrespect, then all future correspondences will go through your daughter instead of me.

Either way, don't let it change your course, and certainly don't let it throw your balance off in any way.

Whatever the reason, they are his reasons and not yours.

I would assume that this is more about him than anything that you are doing or have done....


As for your Daughter....

Well, she is a 4 year old girl, and they do throw tantrums and they do have meltdowns...(sometimes that goes away with Women )



I'm not saying to not keep an eye on it, just don't overthink this for right now. Read and learn about normal behavior ( if there is such a thing) and if there isn't anything alarming, then address things as normally as possible. The last thing you need is for her to have self-esteem issues by making more of this than there is, or her allowing herself to think that there is something wrong with her....

Maybe have a risk/reward system in place for her to start understanding consequences.

Acceptable behavior as opposed to unacceptable behavior.



So what's Christmas look like to you and the kiddos ? Anything special ? New traditions ??


Keep going man, you are knocking this out of the park....

Strength and honor....

[Ginger1]

Ok, first, I’m sorry you are down and depressed. Unfortunately k am right there with ya. The holiday cheer isn’t for everyone . I get it.

Secondly, ex FIL. I imagine he is struggling with this as well . I’m sure it is especially hard when the in laws are very close and it’s difficult to navigate for them as well. I was at the gym this morning and my trainer was telling me he does 4 chiststmases. His parents are divorced and his grandparents are divorced. He said he always enjoyed the presents, but it’s a lot in one day.

Which brings me to the kids. I know I had a expressed to you in the past revisiting your parenting plan. Needs change with different ages. I don’t think D4 per say needs therapy yet, but maybe some guidance from a professional in this area on how best to arrange your custody time for less stress.

Having to do Halloween on different costumes is stressful! I would urge you guys to get a little more on the same page with that. One costume for the kids. Why do they have to have 2? My ex and asked our kid what she wanted to be and we sit the cost of the costume. And when she was young we both took her trick or treating. As it became more about her friends. I would take her with her friends and before hand she would do with ex and her cousins for a little bit. Now neither of us are present, lol. Maybe consider asking the kids what they prefer on the holiday, rather than what you guys prefer. Son wanted to be with friends. He’s getting to that age now. We are just there to make sure they are safe.

D4 and meltdowns. Some on the words might remember in my previous screen and that my daughter was hell on wheels. Meltdowns, stubbornnes, everything, not listening. I was so stressed. It was awful. Parts of it is normal stuff. Girls are different creatures than girls. She was also bored in preschool and thankfully she went to kindergarten sooner than most. She would cause destruction. Part of it was transitions. The good news is my kid is a well-adjusted 15 year old now.

I absolutely think sitting down with a therapist to figure out what would make things easier on her is a great idea. I also remember when my daughter was 5 and she was acting like a crazy woman, I just sat her down and I asked her what was really bothering her. She broke down and told me that she is sad she doesn’t see her father too much. She just needed to vent to me. And she was a lot better after that. I actually got my ex to take an extra night after that convo ( he was returning her at 6pm on sundays his weekend, and he agreed to keep her on those Sunday’s)

Also, maybe communicating about kids stuff a little better would be good. Mom should know if dad is volunteering at the their sons class party. My ex wasn’t involved in much that way, but I never left him out of the loop. ( although I regret that time I told him I was going to be her class mystery reader and he slipped and said something to her)

You are doing a great job navigating this really tough emotional and logistical situation. I know the holidays seem to amplify it. Make sure you take some time for yourself and do a little self care

[BL42]

bttrfly/OB/Mach1/Ginger,

Thanks for the feedback on ExFIL and D4. Despite the delayed response (always seem to take longer replying on my own thread than others' for some reason), I read through each of these a few times and it helped quite a bit.

In terms of ExFIL...

My parents and I had a relatively cordial almost friendly relationship (considering the situation) for the first 2+ years post-separation but after Halloween it's been a big switch and he's been very cold, standoffish, even rude. Since I posted we had D4's school Christmas concert where ExFIL and his wife said hello and were friendly to me, so thought maybe it was over, but then then next week he almost refused to acknowledge my parents when my mom gave a friendly hello and Happy New Years at D7's game.

BL, I'm going to suggest something that might be hard: dig deeper for some compassion for exFIL. Think about your daughter. Imagine her as an adult, married to a great guy, with a beautiful family, and she blows it all up. How would you feel? Heartbroken? Disappointed in her? Ashamed of her behavior? Questioning what you could have done differently as a parent? Devastated and worried for your grandchildren?

Secondly, ex FIL. I imagine he is struggling with this as well . I’m sure it is especially hard when the in laws are very close and it’s difficult to navigate for them as well.

I wonder if your X-FIL is having some feelings of failure on his part. He's caught somewhere in between feeling like he failed in some way with his daughter, and vowing to do everything that he can to be different with his grand-daughter.

I would venture that a lot of his anger is coming from feeling the loss of 'control' from everything that has happened. Feeling the resentment and anxiety from the interactions.

I would also think that he sees how good of a parent you are, and his loyalty should be with his Daughter, yet he feels torn between the loyalty to her and his loyalty to his grandchildren.

Your comments on empathy and compassion towards him are fair and well taken...I know for sure this situation between me and his daughter is giving him flashbacks of him and my ExMIL and haunting him. He's reliving it. They had even gone to Disney not long before he found out about her affair and divorce...just like me and ExW! Talk about a physiological replay. I used to wonder what ExW's IC said to her about that. And I know this whole thing has cause strain between him and ExW's side of the family because he's tried to stay friendly and cordial with us (if nothing else for the kids' sake), so maybe he's distancing himself for those reasons, which I really can't blame him for.

Re the interactions with the FIL, as everyone has always said on here, blood will always be thicker.

The second point is that once you stop giving a fuch about letting anyone else's mood affect you, the better your life will become. The FIL doesn't like you, zero fuchs given, that's your greatest power.

I honestly do not need to be best friends with him, and totally understand blood is thicker, but at least be cordial and not a jerk about it. Maybe it's the abrupt about face that's surprising. I think over time it'll either get better or to OB's point the "dont give a F about another mood and letting them affect you will take hold".

In terms of D4...

She's been wonderful since I last posted. Very happy, pleasant, enjoyed the holidays...etc. with very little emotional outbursts or meltdowns. So, not out of the words by any means and certainly need to monitor things, but a lot calmer and more at ease than after that rough week.

Well, she is a 4 year old girl, and they do throw tantrums and they do have meltdowns...I'm not saying to not keep an eye on it, just don't overthink this for right now.

The challenge with this - and a lot of things - is knowing what's "normal" versus what might be a serious issue due to the divorce. I need to read up more and talk to someone probably to get a better sense of the baseline.

I don’t think D4 per say needs therapy yet, but maybe some guidance from a professional in this area on how best to arrange your custody time for less stress.

D4 and meltdowns. Some on the words might remember in my previous screen and that my daughter was hell on wheels. Meltdowns, stubbornnes, everything, not listening. I was so stressed. It was awful. Parts of it is normal stuff. Girls are different creatures than girls. She was also bored in preschool and thankfully she went to kindergarten sooner than most. She would cause destruction. Part of it was transitions. The good news is my kid is a well-adjusted 15 year old now.

Ginger1 - Reading this helped immensely. Definitely put my mind more at ease. My #1 job is to do everything I can to make sure those two wonderful kiddos are alright. Now-S7 did struggle a good bit after BD and with separation and crying and missing mommy and transitions, but this D4 behavior is a different animal. Maybe it's just what she would've gone through as a 4yo anyway, who knows for sure, but it helps to hear your experience and I do believe we'll get her through this.

Having to do Halloween on different costumes is stressful! I would urge you guys to get a little more on the same page with that. One costume for the kids. Why do they have to have 2?

It wasn't a "have to" - it honestly doesn't matter to me what the kids are for Halloween - they just asked for that from both of us. But maybe in the moment and the upset feelings around having to cut out on his friends to go to mommy's escalated things. First year ExW went to OM2's niece's birthday party instead of coming over for the kids, so I had them myself. Since we split it up. Agreed things should go differently next year.

I absolutely think sitting down with a therapist to figure out what would make things easier on her is a great idea.

Agreed. Think we need to do just that.

Keep going man, you are knocking this out of the park....

First, I want you to know I think you're doing a fantastic job as a single dad.

BL, you're doing great, and its totally common after putting in 2 years of hard yakka on yourself, kids, gym, work, etc to regress a bit in the effort that you can make. Give yourself a break, recharge and get back to a good balance of work and play.

You are doing a great job navigating this really tough emotional and logistical situation. I know the holidays seem to amplify it. Make sure you take some time for yourself and do a little self care

Thanks all! Deeply appreciate the kind words of encouragement! Feel free to pour it on :-)

[BL42]

Christmas with the kids was wonderful!

Everything worked out perfectly, despite the stress and anxiousness of preparing for it as a single parent of two young believers, and we all had a blast...especially S7 and D4!

My sister had baby#2! So I now have a baby nephew and the kids a baby cousin! She was due right around Christmas, which was part of my stress because my parents have helped Santa prep in the past, but this year were on grandparent duty to drive out of town to help with my niece if my sister and BIL were in the hospital. Fortunately the baby arrived a week early so mom and dad were there helping there for a full week, then I traveled with S7 & D4 to meet the baby on the 23rd and into Christmas Eve visited. Everyone enjoyed the time together, the three cousins always have fun and they made Christmas cookies (which we took back to leave out for Santa) and D4 held her baby cousin (though S7 was more tentative!).

So we all traveled back on Christmas Eve, went to church, drove around to see Christmas lights, did "Twas the Night Before Christmas", left out cookies...etc. Santa had a lot prepped (with the help of some family elves) and got to bed before midnight and the kids slept in until 7:20am for the win!

Both S7 and D4 had a wonderful morning of opening presents. S7 got some video games and an air hockey table and D4 had some especially priceless reactions to some princess dresses and Encanto house, and surprisingly a Dumbo stuffy Santa never expected to be her favorite.

Anyway, mid-next day I took them over to ExW's. And fortunately because I have a fixed holiday week and ExW had to work I had them again all day Wed & Thurs (ExW suggested they just stay over night) and then saw them again Saturday morning for S7's game. So I really had at most a day or two away from them. Not unusual, but nice considering the Holidays. And I used the "off" days to rest up and meet with up friends a few evenings.

Thought I might be alone for New Years. Last year a buddy through a big party with a dozen couples friends, but this year people were scattered. Fortunately at the last minute a buddy who lives in my neighborhood invited me other with his family and there 4 couples I know. So although I'd rather have a date or SO for once to kiss at midnight, at least I was with friends who care.

And then the kids came back on Monday the 2nd because the three of us had off from work / school for New Years observed and watched the Rose Bowl together.

So all in all a very nice Holiday season :-) And now we're back in to the work / school grind...

Hope everyone here had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Years. Wishing all the best in 2023!

[DnJ]

Hello BL

Year 2022 came to close in a wonderful way. A new baby nephew, all heathy. S7 & D4 sharing their belief and spirit of St.Nick. I can’t believe they slept in until 7:20am. Yay, for you! And much quality family time.

Best wishes for 2023.

D

[bttrfly]

congrats on the new kid on the family block

Your kids slept in longer than my 23 year old, his 21 year old gf and their 23 year old friend, who were all chomping at the bit for the old lady to bring over the christmas loot, lol.

May our children never outgrow the magic and love of Christmas!

[BL42]

Completed my 3rd gym session of 2023:

Jan 1st - 4.5 miles treadmill & Leg Day
Jan 3rd - 4.2 miles treadmill, Chest & Back, & Abs
Jan 6th - 5.0 miles treadmill, Bis & Tris, & Abs

Proud of myself for fitting them in on a "kids" week. Next week's goal is 5 sessions.

I've also eaten mostly fresh and avoided junk food this week, including drinking water instead of other beverages.

My body is feeling energized and I can feel the physical benefits already.

Trying to be purposefully more consistent on the cardio/lifting/diet front (as well as general self care) in 2023. I'm in decent shape already but really want to crush it by the end of the year. I may post of monthly status to stay motivated and accountable.

After today's workout met up with a buddy at the club to play our first round of the Winter Sim Golf League. Now I have an hour to relax before picking up D4 and then S7 from school and enjoying the weekend with the kiddos.

[Rockon]

Outstanding BL

[Ginger1]

Nice work!!! Sounds like you are well on your way to crushing it!

My body and my mind always feel energized after a great workout

[Rockon]

Playing soccer did it for me tonight!