Quick recap: H: late 30s, M: early 30s Together 11 yrs Living in separate countries due to work 9/22 BD two weeks before I am supposed to move to Country B with H H pressures me to start paperwork 11-12/22 12/22 H admits to OWs in the course of a pity-party R talk, reiterates he wants a D
Now: I have moved back to Country A and have a temporary housing arrangement. H says he's sorry for pressuring me about D and he was wrong to do that. He says I can take my time finding a place first before moving forward with D.
Having a bad day. Ruminated a lot. Am also very tired, probably a combination of going out last night + health issues. But I committed to going to a party tonight, so I will muster up some PMA and get out there.
"If you still feel that there is something you want to talk about, I can do it. Just FYI."
For context, I had previously told him that I thought it was unwise to rush into a life-changing decision without any discussion.
First time he's reached out like this since BD.
I am wary. Is he playing nice because I spooked him? Meaning, he's scared of what my L might do to him? Or is this him wanting to have an R talk (but weirdly trying to pin it on me)? A touch-and-go?
Not sure how to respond. Because frankly every interaction we have disturbs my equilibrium. But maybe he has something to say.
I can relate marching. I’m tired and tired of all of this stuff. Every interaction with WW disrupts my equilibrium too. Not looking forward to her return, but shifting my focus somewhat from planning my days to survive her absence to resting and being well and planning to thrive going forward. Getting extra therapy help and connecting in with best friends.
Ugh. The in-jokes and chit chat from yesterday triggered me. Today, I'm thinking of happier times, when H and I were so simpatico, playing off each other like a comedy duo.
Why the chit chat in the first place? Is it needed? It's important for your mental health you detach so if these interactions aren't helpful there and cause you spin you may consider ceasing them.
Originally Posted by marching
I had a blast at the party. Really glad I went.
Good for you for forcing yourself to go out. GAL is important.
Originally Posted by marching
I am wary. Is he playing nice because I spooked him? Meaning, he's scared of what my L might do to him? Or is this him wanting to have an R talk (but weirdly trying to pin it on me)? A touch-and-go?
Lots of speculation on his motives. Focus on what's best for you.
Originally Posted by marching
Because frankly every interaction we have disturbs my equilibrium.
Right...so stop them.
Originally Posted by marching
But maybe he has something to say.
He's not going to say what you truly want him to right now.
Originally Posted by LH19
I wouldn’t respond at all.
I agreed w/LH.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
AD drowsiness + GAL + work have kept me from posting for a bit. I guess the combination of these three things have pretty effectively blunted a lot of the emotions that had me spiraling over a week ago.
As for communication with H, I did respond after a few days. I said I'm also open to talking. Didn't ask any questions or share any of my feelings. No response from H as of yet.
BL42 you make a good point about considering limiting the chit chat to facilitate detachment. I actually felt fine during the conversation and only felt the disequilibrium a day or so later. I'm figuring it out as I go along. The only hard rule I have is to not initiate. I see how things go the next time H and I have an interaction.
Not much else to report. Spending a lot of time with friends and trying to not think about the future too much.
AD drowsiness + GAL + work have kept me from posting for a bit. I guess the combination of these three things have pretty effectively blunted a lot of the emotions that had me spiraling over a week ago.
As for communication with H, I did respond after a few days. I said I'm also open to talking. Didn't ask any questions or share any of my feelings. No response from H as of yet.
BL42 you make a good point about considering limiting the chit chat to facilitate detachment. I actually felt fine during the conversation and only felt the disequilibrium a day or so later. I'm figuring it out as I go along. The only hard rule I have is to not initiate. I see how things go the next time H and I have an interaction.
Not much else to report. Spending a lot of time with friends and trying to not think about the future too much.
Hi Marching! Glad you checked in. I was wondering how you were.
The emotional turmoil seeing him/talking to him will churn up will lessen with time. So glad you're GAL. Don't worry about the future - there's no way to know what will happen, so worrying is useless. (Easier said than done). FWIW I predict a really healthy happy future for you, and it seems like most on the board do too based on the responses you get
Focus on you, try to work out as much as you can to help your mental health. You got this.
I appreciate your encouraging words, Newborn. It's so helpful to be reminded that everything will work out.
Rockon, good that you're focus is elsewhere, not on W.
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I am trying to fill up my schedule so that I don't think about H contacting me about either the extra, previously unanticipated step with our D process or an R talk. I'm going to be honest: I did feel some hope when he said he was open to talking. But before you come at me with a 2x4, I know, I know—have no expectations. Live as if I am already D'd.
My primary concern at the moment is my health. I recently found out I have pretty severe anemia, and that combined with the fatigue from the ADs have slowed me down a lot. So I've had to change up my exercise routine and work goals quite a bit. But I never say no to invites from friends.
