Marching in limbo with MLC H (3)

[FwdMvmnt]

Hey Marching! Just catching up on your sitch, keep up the great work! How is the DB coach? I reached out by email to MWDs team and they stated didn’t have that program available any longer.

[marching]

Hi Fwd, thanks for checking my thread. MWD directed me to my DB Coach; one of the people who used to be part of the DB coaching team and now does coaching on her own.

[marching]

I ended up not asking DB coach how to respond to this particular message and applied the general principle of "be a friend and also a little mysterious." So, I simply wrote, "I'm glad you're taking care of yourself."

I can see that H read the message. He has not replied. I have a feeling he'll reach out again in the near future.

I will admit, H starting therapy does give me some hope. He's looking within. That said, I'm trying not to have any expectations. So, I'm telling myself that if the fog ever starts to clear, it could take a while, and even so, it might not mean that he wants to R. His therapist might even validate his decision to blow up his life, who knows. I can't control any of this. I'm still moving forward as if I am already D'ed. I'm making plans that would make moving back to Country B any time soon kinda difficult.

I have another very social weekend ahead. It's amazing how much better I feel now. I'm in such a different place than I was just a month ago. There's still sadness and anxiety in the background, but most of the time I'm able to take pleasure in things. GAL, exercise, meditation, and ADs are working.

[Rockon]

M,
This sounds like a positive measured approach keeping your focus in yourself and your life and future moving forward. I am experimenting with adjusting some dynamics and plan to evaluate and adjust as indicated. Happy ADs and everything else you are doing so well are having positive effect.
R

[BL42]

I'm telling myself that if the fog ever starts to clear, it could take a while, and even so, it might not mean that he wants to R.

And YOU might not want to R by then.

His therapist might even validate his decision to blow up his life, who knows. I can't control any of this.

Very possible. I thought ExW being back in IC would help...it did not.

I'm still moving forward as if I am already D'ed.

Good.

I have another very social weekend ahead. It's amazing how much better I feel now. I'm in such a different place than I was just a month ago. There's still sadness and anxiety in the background, but most of the time I'm able to take pleasure in things. GAL, exercise, meditation, and ADs are working.

Good stuff, marching!

[DnJ]

Hello marching

I spoke with MWD about including contact info regarding your DB coach. She would like to not have such information posted.

I’ve removed the link and name of the DB coach. Please maintain the anonymity and confidentiality of them.

By the way, it was excellent usage of the URL command.

Thanks

DnJ

[Newborn]

I will admit, H starting therapy does give me some hope. He's looking within. That said, I'm trying not to have any expectations. So, I'm telling myself that if the fog ever starts to clear, it could take a while, and even so, it might not mean that he wants to R. His therapist might even validate his decision to blow up his life, who knows. I can't control any of this. I'm still moving forward as if I am already D'ed. I'm making plans that would make moving back to Country B any time soon kinda difficult.

I have another very social weekend ahead. It's amazing how much better I feel now. I'm in such a different place than I was just a month ago. There's still sadness and anxiety in the background, but most of the time I'm able to take pleasure in things. GAL, exercise, meditation, and ADs are working.

I'm so glad you're doing better! This forum has really the best advice in the world. You ultimately learn how much DBing is really just for you. We initially come here looking for ways to reconcile, ultimately realizing reconciliation is just a bonus to our journey of self discovery and regaining our worth.

I agree with BL42, ultimately you may not even want to R if H ever leaves the fog. FWIW my ex has been in IC since BD#1 and I don't think she's doing him any favors, so agree completely with you not having expectations as validation is certainly a possibility. Regardless, he can do his thing and you're doing yours and doing an amazing job, keep it up!

Hope the anemia is better! Iron deficiency is awful and isn't taken seriously enough by MDs IMO.

[marching]

I really appreciate the support, everyone. I don't think I would be as far along without having this board as a resource. Lurkers, I encourage you to post.

Thanks for removing the DB coach information, DnJ.

BL42, Newborn—I am beginning to feel that if H were to propose reconciliation, I wouldn't necessarily jump at the opportunity. There's definitely some cycling. I know I can thrive on my own. Sometimes I can even see myself dating in the (distant) future.

It turns out I can stay in the sublet longer than originally discussed. So that's nice, not having to worry about searching for an apartment soon. I have enough on my plate with the health issues (thank you validating the trials of anemia, Newborn!) and just trying to get back into the swing of things at work, which is pretty busy at the moment. I've now been back in Big City for a month and half, which is really not that long for catching my breath considering how much I traveled last year. And I only just started on the ADs, so they haven't even taken full effect yet. Trying to be kind to myself.

Now that I've settled in a bit, there are some items I'd like H to ship over. I could live without those things but having them sent would make my life a little easier. And it's cheaper than having to buy replacements. I will admit that I hesitate to ask because I fear (yes, again operating from fear) that it will lead H will ask about D. I can honestly tell him that I don't have the bandwidth to add D on top of everything. I dislike that I still have this fear. I'm telling myself that it's my stuff, I should be able to use it when I want. The fact that I can't is no fault of mine. H caused this mess.

I'll tell him that I still don't have my own place and my sublet is small, so I just want these few things for now. I don't have room for much else.

I have mixed feelings about this D. I want more time to process my feelings. Either until I get to the point where I feel I want to move on or until H says he wants to work things out. I guess the point is that I want to be the one to decide.

At least for now, H isn't pushing things. And I'm not going to bring it up. He hasn't initiated any contact since telling me he's starting therapy. He would have already had his first appointment. I haven't asked about it.

The limbo continues. But I increasingly understand why one of the mantras here is to think of it as the gift of time.

[DnJ]

Good Morning m

Lurkers, I encourage you to post.

I second that.


I’m glad to hear your sublet was extended. Nice to hear you’re settling in too.

Now that I've settled in a bit, there are some items I'd like H to ship over. I could live without those things but having them sent would make my life a little easier. And it's cheaper than having to buy replacements. I will admit that I hesitate to ask because I fear (yes, again operating from fear) that it will lead H will ask about D. I can honestly tell him that I don't have the bandwidth to add D on top of everything. I dislike that I still have this fear. I'm telling myself that it's my stuff, I should be able to use it when I want. The fact that I can't is no fault of mine. H caused this mess.

I understand the worry and fear about H using any conversation as a lead in for a divorce discussion. However, I think you are looking for a reason to bring it up. And to stick to H a bit. A manifestation of some anger and bargaining and fear in there.

“I could live without those things but having them sent would make my life a little easier. And it's cheaper than having to buy replacements.”

What will you do if he won’t send then back?

I’ve no idea the items. Are they something he might be using? Would the shipping costs be significantly less than buying, and then having, brand new?

If they would make your life easier, why not just get them? As in buy, and have them today.

I'll tell him that I still don't have my own place and my sublet is small, so I just want these few things for now. I don't have room for much else.

He could ship it all to you, even if you requested him to not. Then what?

If you are going to request these items - requesting not telling will likely bring about better results from H - ask for all and store them yourself. Do not utilize H as a storage facility. Or ask for some and write off the remainder.

Also, are these clearly your’s? Or could they be considered marital assets?

I have mixed feelings about this D. I want more time to process my feelings. Either until I get to the point where I feel I want to move on or until H says he wants to work things out. I guess the point is that I want to be the one to decide.

In my opinion, this is more the crux of this and less about items.

You have mixed feelings. Perfectly normal. Do not make decisions or take actions based upon feelings. Look back, think back, three months ago, what you were willing to do to save things. Feelings change.

“I want more time to process my feelings.” H is not presently pushing anything. You’ve got time.

“Either until I get to the point where I feel I want to move on or until H says he wants to work things out.” Feelings do highjack one a bit. There are other paths possible as well. No need to limit yourself to only two options.

“I guess the point is that I want to be the one to decide.” You are a decisive person. A strong and admirable trait. It serves you well. Has served you well. As such, I believe you can evolve that trait to even higher resolve.

Embracing uncertainty is a decision, an action. It takes a strong person to choose limbo, to choose the gift of time, to give time and see how things play out. All while living one’s life.

Counterintuitive. Feels wrong. Until one sees it.

You control you. Standing still is not being still. Doing nothing is doing something.

Anger and bargaining prompt feelings on needing to take some action. Any action. A “just do something to push this along one way or the other” feeling. It’s a fleeting time, let it flit. Find your convictions.

At least for now, H isn't pushing things. And I'm not going to bring it up. He hasn't initiated any contact since telling me he's starting therapy. He would have already had his first appointment. I haven't asked about it.

Good. Give time. Focus on you.

The limbo continues. But I increasingly understand why one of the mantras here is to think of it as the gift of time.

Yes, it is a gift. A gift for you. Embrace it in all its uncertainty and possibility.

One will languish in a forced limbo. One can flourish in a chosen limbo. For in the choosing, it becomes not limbo anymore.

D

[marching]

Thank you for your thoughtful advice, D. I don't need the items immediately and sending them would cost a lot less than buying new replacements. And they are very much mine. H has been good about giving me my stuff and sending money, so it's unlikely that he will stir up trouble if I were to ask. That said, because I've been cycling, I don't really want to talk to him right now. So I'll wait. I'll probably have more things to add to the list as I settle in more, anyway.

It's so helpful to be reminded that deciding not to take any action is also a kind of action.