Hello! Wow. Time passes so quickly. And yet the spring feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened.
Thanks so much for asking for checking in.
Things are going really, really well.
Instead of divorce lawyers, we're working with an immigration lawyer now. We're on the tail end of wrapping up a big international move!
H and I now live together in a new apartment in my city. First, he came to visit. Now he's moved here. We have been in excellent MC for almost half a year now. H says he doesn't know what he was trying to achieve last year when he said he wanted to D. He is so remorseful. He realizes that he went off the rails. He's been on medication for some mental health issues. It helps a lot. He's also looking for a good IC. He's taking responsibility. He's so grateful for the second chance.
I had a procedure a few months ago and my health is much improved.
I'm so glad to have received the support this board provided. GAL, working on myself—I don't think our marriage would be improving as well as it is without it.
Thanks for dropping in and updating. Wow. A lot has happened.
I’m glad to hear your procedure went well and yielded much improvement.
It very much sounds like H has made positive steps. An awakening. Remorseful. Realization. Taking accountability and responsibility. Even acknowledging and accepting medication. That’s quite the positive steps indeed.
Continue to go slow. H has to get use to his new skin. It will take a good while, 18-24 months (ish), for him to truly feel comfortable.
Originally Posted by marching
H says he doesn't know what he was trying to achieve last year when he said he wanted to D.
Yes. And that’s actually a positive indicator of some deep internal change / alteration. It’s such a shift, such a paradigm shift, that once which he saw clearly, once was so desired, once was so driven for, is now literally unseeable and unrecognizable. In time, and as H heals, this will likely be revealed to him. Part of becoming comfortable in his own skin. H will so fear judgement from you and others regarding his past path and choices. In time, his “reasons” for such past behaviours will likely surface, and they likely will not make sense, even to him. That’s ok. Another positive indicator by the way, H not being able to make sense of previous “why” he did stuff. It’s part of the his path to acceptance and wholeness.
Be supportive. Be the lighthouse.
And congratulations on the new apartment.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'm so glad to have received the support this board provided. GAL, working on myself—I don't think our marriage would be improving as well as it is without it.
If you get a chance, would love to hear a detailed "What changes in your behavior worked".
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
marching, glad to hear things have turned around in your situation! Remember, always be DBing. I highly suggest googling "self-differentiation in marriage".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi everyone. Popping on here to say that things are still going well. By that, I don't mean that things aren't hard sometimes. H is still struggling with depression and anxiety. And I recently had some triggers that put me in a low mood for a week or so. But now we talk about. We can have really difficult conversations, even without the MC. H is able to listen a lot better than before. The medication, IC, and MC have helped him accept his behavior and take responsibility for it. When we first starting getting back together, he sometimes struggled to hear me explain my feelings, how he hurt me, and it became all about him: his guilt, his being a bad person, his hopelessness. But now he listens and apologizes and tells me he loves me. He has hope that things can change for the better. Things have already changed for the better. I'm really proud of him.
He's also noticed my changes. My own anxiety has calmed down a lot. His own low moods don't affect me the way they did before. I give him the space to process his feelings and let him know that we can talk whenever he wants to. Eventually we do. I used to want to achieve that kind of resolution really quickly in the past. He sees how strong I am, how much I take care of myself. I live my life with a lot more intention now.
Hang in there, everyone. Take it one day at a time. Be the best version of yourself. Do it for you.
This is so encouraging to read. I will have to go back and read your full story. My Husband is back home for the last four months but still very rough right now. Thank you for posting the positives for us to see. Good luck.
Quick update. Things are going well. H is more and more like his old self. Light-hearted, witty, playful. We went on a spontaneous camping trip over the weekend. He’s taken a lot more initiative, proposing ideas for activities to do and dishes to make. It’s incredible that we’re here. I feel much more at ease. The camping trip was beautiful. Just the two of us talking and talking and talking in each other’s arms.
I wouldn’t say we’re fully reconciled yet, though. H is still wrestling with his guilt. It puts a distance between us sometimes.
Is anyone watching the show Dark Matter? It’s essentially about MLC, but wrapped up in a bonkers sci-fi story. It was fascinating to watch it with H. The first night we watched it, H got quiet and reflective. As we got ready for bed, he apologized again. He related to the anti-hero, a man who regrets leaving the love of his life. H wishes he had never cheated on me, had never left me.
As for me, I’ve gotten to a place where I have not only forgiven H, but also the OW. I actually feel sad for this person, someone I once considered a friend. I don’t know when this happened, exactly. At some point a few months ago, I realized that I had not thought about OW for a while. I was too busy living my own life. And now I even hope that she heals from whatever led her to behave in the way she did.
If I’m honest, I sometimes wish H would hurry up and figure his stuff out already. Then I reread the chapters in DB about depression and MLC and remind myself that H has to do this at his own pace. The best thing I can do, I’ve decided, is to not fall into my old ways of wanting to fix everything. I’ve been tempted to recommend topics for him to bring up in his IC. Overbearing, I know! It’s true, you never stop DBing, and it’s paramount to keep working on yourself. Not just because it’s better for the relationship, but also just for your own sanity (don’t take on what isn’t your cross to bear!).
