I will tell you, you have been right about trying to slow down in the moment and feelings changing. As I wrote at the top of my last post, I feel like I cycle between wanting to blow the marriage up myself if W isn't going to vs. waiting things out a little longer.
Good, take your time. At the beginning at least for me it seems like hours took days and days took weeks. Looking back you'll see how 3 years goes by in a flash. No need to rush into any decision. If you can strengthen your mental game and get through some bad times in the interest of your family and kids there's nothing wrong with that...whether or not your marriage ends up being repaired.
Originally Posted by Doug54
when I come to this board, LH gets me fired up about how much better my life will be if I move on from W, DnJ brings me back to earth with his Gandhi-like wisdom and calls for empathy, and Ready2change makes me want to shove W's dresser out of the master bedroom in exchange for a spitoon and a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket.
Haha! That's incredible.
Originally Posted by Doug54
The author ranked a man's five most basic needs in marriage as: 1.) sexual fulfillment 2.) recreational companionship 3.) an attractive spouse 4.) domestic support 5.) admiration.
Have never considered a list of my own, but these five certainly resonate.
Originally Posted by LH19
Holy smokes I agree with all 5 maybe just in a slightly different order.
What's your order LH?
Originally Posted by LH19
Nah she hates him too. It’s a very toxic marriage that 100% can not be saved. She cheated many years ago and he’s never gotten over it. She physically and emotionally abuses him and he has zero clue how to communicate with her or his children. I just listen for about an hour a week how bad it is for him but he is staying for kids.
Well this isn't any good. Ideally they could not just stay together for the kids but actually address their relationship issues and fix their relationship for both them and the kids. Neither wants to work at it?
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Geez LH. Staying for the kids. To teach them that this is how to behave in a marriage?
Not pro-D but man, gotta think about what the kids are really learning in your friend's sitch ...
Yeah it’s not good. I think they at least try to keep it from the kids. No different than teaching kids that cheating and being a doormat are acceptable. It all comes down to fear of the unknown. Scary for many people.
Agreed. Starting to better understand that as a parent we're ALWAYS teaching our kids through our behaviors, not just our words. So important to model the values and behaviors you want to pass on to your kids at a young age.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL working on your marriage is hard and neither of them want to do it. It’s like having to WS in a relationship but neither of them are motivated to leave.
BL working on your marriage is hard and neither of them want to do it. It’s like having to WS in a relationship but neither of them are motivated to leave.
I hear you LH but is it harder than living in a terrible relationship? If you're going to stick it out for the kids, why not at least try to improve things? I don't get it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL working on your marriage is hard and neither of them want to do it. It’s like having to WS in a relationship but neither of them are motivated to leave.
I hear you LH but is it harder than living in a terrible relationship? If you're going to stick it out for the kids, why not at least try to improve things? I don't get it.
BL I’m guessing you have never lost feelings for a partner. Do you think it would have been easier for your ex to work on your marriage or uproot her kids, lose half of her friends and family, her job and potentially be financially destroyed? Seems like a no brainer right? Yet your ex and mine chose the latter.
Throw in the fact they both think the other person is the problem and they are both biding their time. I am trying to persuade him not to engage but he’s not a quick study lol.
Shocking LH has number 3 as number 1. 🙄. I’m honestly amazed ( but to each his own) that for a man I’m his 50’s that is number 1, because that is the one thing that goes away very soon. Unless you are speaking in terms of mental and emotional attraction, not physical. I understand it being on the list, but having it top of the list blows my mind
My cousin is currently in a very toxic marriage she is staying in for her 10 year old son and financial implications. Her and her husband have awful fights. She hates him and is disgusted by him. He’s a mean A hole. They don’t hold back. What their son is witnessing is no way better than having a “broken home “ this home IS broken.
So to speak to what BL is saying, if you are going to stay together for the kids, the relationship does need to be worked on. Even if it’s not a romantic one, there needs to be an agreement for peace on the home. If they are truly what is best for the kids, this would be worked on. They wouldn’t be acting toxic AF on front of the children . I actually don’t give credit to parent who “stay together for the Kids” if they are not working on their toxic behavior. There are parents who stay together for the kids, but live in peace, respect eachother, but the romantic portion of their relationship is gone. That is commendable . But not when you continue to act toxic around the kids in the home .
Shocking LH has number 3 as number 1. 🙄. I’m honestly amazed ( but to each his own) that for a man I’m his 50’s that is number 1, because that is the one thing that goes away very soon. Unless you are speaking in terms of mental and emotional attraction, not physical. I understand it being on the list, but having it top of the list blows my mind
I was ranking it by categories available to me. I am a man and that is how the majority of men choose their mates. You are hockey fan. How many hockey player's wives are not hot? It's not solely looks, you can't be hot and a biotch that does not work for me.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My cousin is currently in a very toxic marriage she is staying in for her 10 year old son and financial implications. Her and her husband have awful fights. She hates him and is disgusted by him. He’s a mean A hole. They don’t hold back. What their son is witnessing is no way better than having a “broken home “ this home IS broken.
I agree. I have gave up trying to convince him of that.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So to speak to what BL is saying, if you are going to stay together for the kids, the relationship does need to be worked on.
Actually, no it doesn't.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
They wouldn’t be acting toxic AF on front of the children .
They try to keep it from the kids as much as possible.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I actually don’t give credit to parent who “stay together for the Kids” if they are not working on their toxic behavior. There are parents who stay together for the kids, but live in peace, respect each other, but the romantic portion of their relationship is gone. That is commendable . But not when you continue to act toxic around the kids in the home .
If you live together and are parenting together, you don’t think a coparenting /cohabitating relationship should be worked on? Not a personal relationship. How to coexist peacefully in the best interest of the children relationship. If you can’t do that much, you should NOT be staying together for the kids .
If you live together and are parenting together, you don’t think a coparenting /cohabitating relationship should be worked on? Not a personal relationship. How to coexist peacefully in the best interest of the children relationship. If you can’t do that much, you should NOT be staying together for the kids .
Yes. But they are not me and don't NEED to do anything.
when I come to this board, LH gets me fired up about how much better my life will be if I move on from W, DnJ brings me back to earth with his Gandhi-like wisdom and calls for empathy, and Ready2change makes me want to shove W's dresser out of the master bedroom in exchange for a spitoon and a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket.
This reminded me of The Two Wolves (I shared it if you’re not familiar with the parable). Which wolf you feeding?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
