Postcards from the Island of Misfit Toys ...

[BL42]

bttrfly,

You're either being deliberately obtuse BL or completely missing the point.

Maybe we're lost in translation. Not trying to be obtuse. The point being the average mid-60s person is not all that interested in a relationship unless the other person has inspirational beauty? All I'm saying is that seems a bit lonely - certainly a high standard making it harder for people who do want a relationship to find one - but maybe I just haven't embraced that approach yet and I'll thinking differently in 20 years.

[LH19]

BL looks up MGTOWS on the internet. My BF is one. Relationships struggles are not worth it to them and they would rather spend their time doing other things. It’s becoming more popular then ever these days.

[bttrfly]

So women aren’t interested so they better really beautiful to look at because he has better things to do with his time?

Am I reading that right ?

you are not reading that right.

1. He has better things to do with his time/has lost interest in the dating game
2. He would revise that opinion, but only for someone compelling. Compelling isn't limited to beautiful outside. Would also have to include a great personality - what some call the complete package.

[bttrfly]

BL looks up MGTOWS on the internet. My BF is one. Relationships struggles are not worth it to them and they would rather spend their time doing other things. It’s becoming more popular then ever these days.

not just men, LH. So many of my gfs say the same thing. It makes sense to me if you have a really full life that you're not interested in HHH, or don't want to be bothered going through all the "stuff" that surrounds relationships. They are work, even the best ones. If you're at a really happy and peaceful place in your life with lots of interests and a healthy social life with good friends and family, a lot of people are happier OUTSIDE of a relationship rather than being in one.

I just never expected this particular person to say that. Surprised me.

[bttrfly]

bttrfly,

You're either being deliberately obtuse BL or completely missing the point.

Maybe we're lost in translation. Not trying to be obtuse. The point being the average mid-60s person is not all that interested in a relationship unless the other person has inspirational beauty? All I'm saying is that seems a bit lonely - certainly a high standard making it harder for people who do want a relationship to find one - but maybe I just haven't embraced that approach yet and I'll thinking differently in 20 years.

No. He's not interested. Maybe someone gorgeous inside and out could change his mind, but he's not looking and doesn't really care anymore. He's got a great life with his kids, hobbies, friends and work. He's not lonely at all.

[BL42]

He's got a great life with his kids, hobbies, friends and work. He's not lonely at all.

Kids, hobbies, friends, and work are great. I totally get that. But they're also not the same as having a meaningful romantic relationship with someone you trust and can be a long term partner with.

Guess what I'm saying is...while I'm glad to hear people are living such full lives, it's also a bit sad there's so little interest in making a true genuine romantic connection.

Who knows, like I said...maybe I'll feel the same in 20 years.

[kml]

Kml in reading your posts over the years I've always had the impression that you were well and truly done and ready for your exh to go at the time of your D. I'm sure that made it much easier for you to date quickly. We all know that was not my experience.

Yes - I had about 6 years of DB, reconciliation, and then final departure. I worked through my stuff over that time and was ready to let go once he was gone because I realized there as nothing he could do that would ever win my trust back. But you've had a lot of time, don't you feel ready try dating now?

I'll liken it to something else I thought about recently. In September I had the opportunity to go horseback riding. I loved horses as a child and ode the old nags at the local stables when I could scrape together the money. As an adult, I've ridden maybe once every ten years.

The ride in September as fun, and I felt comfortable on the horse. But I realized that at my age, if I want to rides horses again, I better not wait another ten years! There's no guarantee that I could still do that in my mid-70's. I should find a stable locally and ride.

Today it dawned on me that the same applies to dating. I'm still not quite ready yet - but I better not wait too long before I date again, if I want to. There's not guarantee that intimacy will be as fun ten years from now as it is now. There's also no guarantee that I will find or attract anybody ten years from now (or even now, really, as I haven't tested the waters yet lol. )

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Although in all fairness, I have to say the most romantic date I've ever been on was with him on our 19th wedding anniversary. That is a cherished memory, untarnished by anything, including his most monstrous post BD behavior. A guy's gonna have to go far to beat that date.
Wonder if his personality that leant to making such a romantic date led him to being a cheater, or if they're completely unrelated. Just a thought...

I had the same thought about this! My narcissistic ex could be good about the grand gestures - but it had less to do with me and more to do with him trying to create some perfect image in his mind. The bed strewn with plumeria blossoms in the Hawaiian beachfront room - yeah, that was him trying to create some image in his head. The really kind, thoughtful, caring things that other boyfriends have done for me - were not his forte. The foot massages, the telling me to sit down and rest while he'll cook dinner - those things are more meaningful and my ex never did those things.

[BL42]

Although in all fairness, I have to say the most romantic date I've ever been on was with him on our 19th wedding anniversary. That is a cherished memory, untarnished by anything, including his most monstrous post BD behavior. A guy's gonna have to go far to beat that date.

Wonder if his personality that leant to making such a romantic date led him to being a cheater, or if they're completely unrelated. Just a thought...

I had the same thought about this! My narcissistic ex could be good about the grand gestures - but it had less to do with me and more to do with him trying to create some perfect image in his mind. The bed strewn with plumeria blossoms in the Hawaiian beachfront room - yeah, that was him trying to create some image in his head. The really kind, thoughtful, caring things that other boyfriends have done for me - were not his forte. The foot massages, the telling me to sit down and rest while he'll cook dinner - those things are more meaningful and my ex never did those things.

Glad someone else understood what I was trying to say there and it resonated with you kml. Thought maybe I touched a nerve with bttrfly based on her response.

Just meant sometimes the people who are over the top with things (E.g., love bombing, overly happy to the point it comes off as fake, grand gestures...etc.) are actually just putting on a face and likely to do something like backstab or cheat despite the vibe they try to send you with their words and actions.

Don't know bttrfly's Ex at all obviously so not judging him or the 19th anniversary romance specifically, but do think that's the case at times for some people exhibiting those treats and something I'll look at for the future.

Always got the impression ExMIL came off as a little too over the top / fake in her welcomes and interactions, and now know my gut was right all along with ExMIL...AND that (surprise, surprise) ExW exhibits those same traits.

[bttrfly]

But you've had a lot of time, don't you feel ready try dating now?

yeah, I feel like I'm ready - that's why i'm on a couple of OLD sites, and chatting with a few guys.

some examples of where it gets sticky for me:

guy #1, mr. award winner ... aside: yes, had a photo of his award on his profile. i remain unimpressed because i have a long-time friend who has won a ridiculous number of these awards, and another who has also won so many she started gifting one to friends or family each year. The question wasn't would C. win, it became 'who gets the emmy this year when C. wins again?'


back to my point:

The guy looks familiar, not sure why as it was a technical award... i continue reading his profile. 6 kids! He has 6 kids. My brain kicks on. Let's take a gander at Bttrfly's thought train as it derails, shall we?

"ok. I never wanted just one, would have been happy with up to 4, but 6 ... hmmm. that's a lot of different personalities."

"6 kids... SIX kids... they probably each have someone significant, right? what's Thanksgiving dinner like over there? that's 6 x2 (with partners) = 12 people.... then grandkids .... maybe another 6 minimally ... that's 18 .... not including friends, siblings and their partners ....
pause ....

longer pause ....

"UGH GETMEOUTTAHERE THAT'S WAY TOO MANY EXTRANEOUS PEOPLE!!!!!!"

"Am I feral?" I wonder as I run screaming in the other direction and the thought train derails in a spectacular crash into a deep ravine, smoke, dust and debris everywhere.

------

Hinge does this cool thing where someone can record an answer to a question. It really helps weed out the crowd. Let's get on another thought train, shall we? and you can play too ...

I cannot tell you how many guys I've hit the X on because (pick as many as you want, they're free):

1. There ain't no way I'm listening to that voice over dinner and drinks
2. Good God he's barely articulate
3. BETA BOY
4. FREAK
5. EEEWWWWW

------

On Match my head started exploding recently after a half hour of reading profiles where seemingly well-educated and intelligent men consistently misused "who" and "that" in a sentence.

started to really DRIVE ME NUTS ...

More views into BF's thoughts:

"Huh, I've never thought of myself as a grammar nazi, yet here I am. OMG And there's another one! WHO, WHO, people are WHO not THAT! WTAF. This guy doesn't know the difference between too and to ... this guy doesn't know the difference between you're and your ... this one doesn't know the difference between their and there ... WHAT WERE YOU PEOPLE DOING DURING ENGLISH CLASS!? SLEEPING????? DOODLING??? DROOLING ON YOUR NOTEBOOKS?????"


I'm not a fan of guys who include photos with other women or obviously cropped out other women.

I'm not a fan of guys who include photos with their pets.

Click baiting your pet? That's not right. I could post a photo of me sitting down with three wolf pups crawling on me, giving me kisses and investigating my shoes BUT I DON'T because I love my wolf puppies too much to use them as click bait on a dating app AND I VALUE MYSELF enough to know (As LH's tagline says) the right ones will come to you if you just be yourself.

(noteworthy tidbit du jour: wolf puppies LOVE shoelaces, don't ask me why, but they do. And, they can get very aggressive if you don't let them have their way with your shoelaces. They do not care if your feet are in said shoe. And even if they're only 8 weeks old, their little chompers are SHARP .... Now you know) ....

Let's return to OLD with BF ...

I could dedicate entire chapters worth of threads on how easy it is to pick out the guys in MLC. Rather than do that, here are some key phrases to be aware of as you go through your OLD selection process:

He might be in a MLC if any of the following appear in his profile:

1. He posts that he wants to have "FUN FUN FUN, who's with me??"
2. I'm looking for my soul mate, who will complete me, and I her
3. I'm looking for someone who can make me happy and I'll make her happy too ...
4. I'm selling everything I own, buying an RV and traveling because LIFE'S TOO SHORT
5. Any one who mentions LIFE'S TOO SHORT (unless they're a widower, I give those poor b@stards a break on this one)
6. I want to travel, anywhere, anytime, where's your passport? Let's go let's go because LIFE'S TOO SHORT
7. I work out 8 times a week because LIFE'S TOO SHORT
8. This is MY TIME

Swipe left, early and often.

Here's another look at my criteria. I will not date:

1. Lawyers
2. Anyone in law enforcement
3. Not crazy about doctors
4. People in sales
5. People married more than once
6. People shorter than me
7. Atheists
8. People of radically different faiths than my own - because if it's gonna last, we need some common ground and my faith is really important to me.
9. I probably won't date a guy who is Italian. Why? I already have enough Italian male relatives. IYKYK.

BTW, had a conversation with a guy at work a few years ago who is also Italian. We thoroughly agreed - no dating Italians. In his words, "I look at my female cousins and ... man, those women scare me!" lmao. He ain't no beta boy - ex Seal ... funny as h3ll ... back to my list:

10. People with kids under the age of 16. Really prefer people with kids up and gone. Don't wanna be involved with someone raising kids, thank you. Raised one. I'm done.

there's more but that's enough to give you a sense of why I wonder if I'm really up for this?

OTOH, Sportsguy passed my rigorous selection process and so far, I really like his vibe.

BUT I was not prepared for the valley of tears post meeting him, as feelings came up from the beginning of my last relationship, which was, of course with my exh. It's ok. I felt the feelings and they haven't killed me.

Yet.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Although in all fairness, I have to say the most romantic date I've ever been on was with him on our 19th wedding anniversary. That is a cherished memory, untarnished by anything, including his most monstrous post BD behavior. A guy's gonna have to go far to beat that date.
Wonder if his personality that leant to making such a romantic date led him to being a cheater, or if they're completely unrelated. Just a thought...

I had the same thought about this! My narcissistic ex could be good about the grand gestures - but it had less to do with me and more to do with him trying to create some perfect image in his mind. The bed strewn with plumeria blossoms in the Hawaiian beachfront room - yeah, that was him trying to create some image in his head. The really kind, thoughtful, caring things that other boyfriends have done for me - were not his forte. The foot massages, the telling me to sit down and rest while he'll cook dinner - those things are more meaningful and my ex never did those things.

It wasn't a grand gesture. The restaurant we picked always did something specific for their couples celebrating anniversaries. Neither of us knew that going in, so we were completely surprised and were both enchanted by the rose petals strewn on the table, the great food (as always) the special little touches from the staff.

After dinner we spent some quality time together as a couple, rather than as parents. It was amazing and will remain a cherished memory for the rest of my life.

[bttrfly]

Although in all fairness, I have to say the most romantic date I've ever been on was with him on our 19th wedding anniversary. That is a cherished memory, untarnished by anything, including his most monstrous post BD behavior. A guy's gonna have to go far to beat that date.

Wonder if his personality that leant to making such a romantic date led him to being a cheater, or if they're completely unrelated. Just a thought...

I had the same thought about this! My narcissistic ex could be good about the grand gestures - but it had less to do with me and more to do with him trying to create some perfect image in his mind. The bed strewn with plumeria blossoms in the Hawaiian beachfront room - yeah, that was him trying to create some image in his head. The really kind, thoughtful, caring things that other boyfriends have done for me - were not his forte. The foot massages, the telling me to sit down and rest while he'll cook dinner - those things are more meaningful and my ex never did those things.

Glad someone else understood what I was trying to say there and it resonated with you kml. Thought maybe I touched a nerve with bttrfly based on her response.

Just meant sometimes the people who are over the top with things (E.g., love bombing, overly happy to the point it comes off as fake, grand gestures...etc.) are actually just putting on a face and likely to do something like backstab or cheat despite the vibe they try to send you with their words and actions.

Don't know bttrfly's Ex at all obviously so not judging him or the 19th anniversary romance specifically, but do think that's the case at times for some people exhibiting those treats and something I'll look at for the future.

Always got the impression ExMIL came off as a little too over the top / fake in her welcomes and interactions, and now know my gut was right all along with ExMIL...AND that (surprise, surprise) ExW exhibits those same traits.

My exh was never a grand gesture guy.

He was the guy who would notice if I'd been having a hard time and bring my a bouquet of roses, "just because I noticed you've been having a hard time lately and I want you to know how much I love you."

yes, KML. He did awful things too. I'm going to say it before you have a chance to jump in and remind me and everyone else. But, we aren't talking about the awful things here. We're talking about grand gestures, and that wasn't his style.

One more thing:

I think it's really REALLY important for everyone, and I'm not singling any particular person out as I post this -- It's important for EVERYONE here, myself included, to think before they post and ask one simple question: are you responding from a place of your own trigger-point or a place of neutrality?