Ask away! I'll repeat what I told Catman19: "We all need a place. Here people understand from personal experience. Journaling or to yourself isn't enough. Who in our close circles could we lay all this on?" Advice here comes both gently and sometimes applied with a club. From hard earned experience.
We all have questions at different times. Alone time is problem thoughts time. It was me on the drive to work this morning. I get it. Today I let myself question and feel "all the things" for 10-15 minutes, then STOP and think of all the things to do today, the good people I will interact with, and the blasted chicken that always wants to peck me.
I don't want a D either. The lack of control and unfairness ... well ... dropping what I can't control or is unfair is difficult for me. The questions are about the other person and likely will never be answered. They are pain that tries to draw me in...it hurts so I pay attention to what hurts...but in MWD terms, cheeseless tunnels. What might be your H's reasons for not D, or my W's reasons for D...the questions don't change what actions to take for me.
It has helped me to keep thinking on one of "The Four Agreements." A suggested book read in building the next version of you.
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
g
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Since you are asking - I'm gonna be honest with you. It really doesn't matter what it is. Whether it's depression, MLC, or just being a good ole fashion a$$, the truth is that no "answer" makes it any better. Outside of providing a guideline for what to expect in order to protect yourself, or understanding the symptoms so you can detach and depersonalize the situation; it's a cheeseless tunnel to go down. It won't bring you peace, nor will it solve the situation.
Although you are new to the board - this is not a new situation for you. Yet it looks like you are still giving him so much power. From the bleacher seats - it looks like you struggle to detach and let go.
This is normal. When we let go - there is a real chance that our loved ones... actually go. But by holding on... you are holding onto a version of the relationship that is not what you signed up for, nor is it loving or healthy. But in our minds... we convince ourselves that it is better than nothing. We protect ourselves from the pain that comes when we let go.
Only you can decide when to stop this. This does not mean stopping fighting for the marriage. Actually one of the best chances you can give yourself for your marriage to get better is to STOP the treatment that is hurting you. To take the stance and to believe you are worthy of respect, love, and a partnership that is equal....
Save yourself first... And let your H figure out if he wants to save himself.
((( G )))
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Any guesswork from your end is totally guesswork and doesn't achieve much other than causing you to not GAL and to not set healthy boundaries for yourself. I would say in most cases like this there is a AP. MLC'ers can talk a big game of independence but they don't jump without a net. Most MLC'ers are cowardly in that way. and I understand not wanting to believe this. If you look at my old thread I thought there was no AP. I think it was partially a defense mechanism on my part. Interesting things we do when were in pain. In my case that was enough anger to to help fuel GAL and trying in the beginning to move forward.
What I see.
You spend too much time watching what he does, how he acts and how much he reaches out. You really need to start developing your own life, your own hobbies, a life that your proud of without any body else's input. I had to do that.
I had to fake it for a while.....but eventually you do see the blessings from concentrating on your life and valueing yourself enough to not be happy when a crumb or two is tossed your way by your MLC'er. I understand this is difficult. We all agree on that.
Believe me, if your H comes through MLC you will know it. You will not have to decipher clues, texts, actions etc. He will know and understand the pain he has brought forth. Doesn't mean he will reach out but his actions will change.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Unfortunately letting go isn't a strategy to gain your H back. It's a part of acceptance. Both of your H as he is. And the marriage as it is.
It is part of the grieving process. Unfortunately if you use it as a tactic - it's manipulation. And manipulation provides short term relief with some long term consequences.
Letting go is very hard. Re-read the detach section on the forum and then ask yourself... how can you detach from your H. How can you move closer to your needs and further away from caring how he responds?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
To anyone reading this or going through it, you will go through different phases of emotions, what may seem or feel abnormal, isn't. Let yourself feel what you have to feel, it's what makes us who we are, we have a heart and a soul. Do not stray from doing what is best for you and what you want from your life. Feel the sorrow, feel the hurt, cry when you need to, heck even talk to yourself if you must, say a prayer to yourself and ask God for strength, try not to Harbour any hatred or resentment as hard as it may seem. Be the version of yourself that God would ask you to be, take the time to absorb your surroundings, listen to the birds chirping, the leaves ruffling, breathe in the scent of the cut grass, or the blooming flowers. Do not let yourself fall into a cycle of negative thoughts.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Is it strange that I wanted to sit and update this forum? It's therapeutic and I look forward to the input, responses, empathy and 2x4s. It really helps to not feel alone....The overthinking needs to go out the window for me to keep my sanity. One day at a time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Trust me, he hasn't forgotten you. He thinks about you a lot. His brain is scrambled right now and with the depression, it is hard for him to focus on more than one thing at a time. Also, they tend to compartmentalize stuff. Their focus right now is on making themselves feel better. They will try anything and everything to make themselves feel better.
You are probably feeling like he's forgotten you because he has not been in contact with you. They don't stay in contact. Some will pop out periodically, others daily and then there are some who disappear for days, weeks and even months at a time. When he does pop out again, treat him as you always do. Listen closely for he may tell you what has been happening with him during his "quiet" time.
Keep busy, read your bible and know that God has a special plan for the both of you. Dig deeper for patience and remember...you are on his time clock....which is extremely slow.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Oh the infamous “but”. Justification, exception to the rule, reason to ignore and do/continue what one knows runs counter to their best interests.
I’ve seen many folks, here and IRL, jump into another relationship far too soon. The rush of infatuation and endorphins mistaken for acceptance and leading one to cease their difficult and necessary inner work. That pause is temporary. At some point all that stuff not processed and grieved does takes hold again. Being wrapped up in a new relationship makes it all the more harder and usually compounds one’s inner work with a barrage of other events and feeling and such. Or even more significant like a proposal or marriage or child, when one is still not healed.
One year past the signing and the courts accepting the divorce is, IMHO, the minimum I’d recommend before jumping back into the pool. So much gets stirred up in us during: BD, break up, separation, negotiation, divorce drafts, divorce agreement signed, divorce signed by courts, and finally being divorced. Each of those has their own slew of problems, feelings, pains, hurts, and so on. All take time to get through. And really cannot be rushed, only deferred.
At least one year, of sincere work. Know thy self, before bringing another soul into a relationship.
My two cents.
D
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
