Your wife and your situation are unique and it's impossible to predict whether she'll be one to return or to stay gone for good. I always say, as long as there's breath in your bodies there's a chance she'll try to return eventually. That may be even after you've both moved on with other people.
As far as friends and family, be careful with their advice. They cannot guide you objectively. Likely the majority want to see you two back together, so that want will cause them to give you advice with that goal in mind. It's better if you don't even discuss it with friends and family. That's what IC is for. Friends and family should be supporting you emotionally, spending time with you to get your mind off of things. Not giving you advice. You can help them by saying "I don't want to talk about it" anytime the subject comes up.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm fairly new to this too. My own experience is exactly like yours. There are days / hours / minutes that I feel strong & am able to let go of the rope and there are times I'm hanging on to it like a lifeline. My head tells me to let go but I've noticed that the specific emotion of fear keeps bubbling away and pulling me into that tug .
One of the big things that helps me is taking a step back and thinking of time as my friend. I was with H for 26 years & BD was a few months ago! There is plenty of time for R if that is what lies ahead. My inability to manage uncertainty & desire for control keeps me hooked in. I want an end date but I could well shoot myself in the foot if I push too much for that.
I just allow myself to experience the sadness. I'm grieving for my life that was.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I did meet her......She knows I feel the marriage could be saved and at one point she asked me to explain how I think that could happen. We’ve had that discussion before. I’m proud that this time I simply told her I don’t think it’s helpful for me to speak to this when you have been very clear in your actions that you don’t want any part of our marriage. She didn’t have much of a response which was an indication to me that as expected it wasn’t a sincere question but an opportunity to shoot holes through my truth to soothe her own self-conscious. It was around this point she said “I just need more time.”
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You need to get comfortable with people being upset with you. The majority of people who come to this website tend to be more passive people. We are generally poor at people being upset with us.
You need to reframe it. Maybe he got upset because he realized you’re right? Maybe he got upset because he had a bad day?
HOW HE REACTS IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY, not yours.
Perhaps if he’d had a few more home truths like that during the marriage, he wouldn’t have got to the point where he blamed you for everything and decided to leave?
Honestly, don’t worry about it a second longer! He’s probably forgotten about it already, you should too.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This only dawned on me the other day when H asked me about my day and then proceeded to tell me about his and some work stuff. In the past the moment that would happen I would completely zone out and do something because I was “busy”, but realization came during that conversation was I made sure I turned all my focus on H listened attentively and it was like his world lit up( that’s when I realise how terrible I had been in the past) I just smiled nodded validated a few times about someone who annoyed him. Lightbulb moment, and his whole persona changed and H then proceeded to do everything around the house while I was out. It’s amazing what something like this can open your eyes to the errors of your ways in the past. ....I am just focusing on the only thing I can control and fix and that’s me.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My best advice for you is to be careful using excuses as to why you cannot effectively DB. We've seen several posters here buck the advice in order to do what they felt they should do impulsively. In every one of those cases they ended up getting exactly what they were trying to avoid. Humans have a natural tendency to create that which they fear the most. DBing is about bucking that trend. That's why it is counter intuitive, because doing what comes naturally is what causes us to create what we fear the most.
The advice here feels uncomfortable because bucking what comes naturally feels uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it's the only way to change the dynamics of your situation.
Keep on keeping on, but do it differently if you want different outcomes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Unconditional love is when we love despite the foolish choices of our spouse, when they fail to do what we desire, regardless of any choice they make. This love alone has the power to heal all wounds, deliver self respect and remove all doubt for you and your spouse. It allows love and healing to flourish. This is how we need to be loved. And this is the paradox. That we only get this when we give it.
And now is the opportunity.
There is no GREATER opportunity you will ever have in your life then NOW to express this kind of love. To do this takes greater courage than most people will ever understand and will ever know. And you have received this wonderful gift only by going through the experience. By the trial. By the tragedy. What greater thing could you aspire to do. EVER.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Divorce does not necessarily constitute the end. As long as there is love, there is hope. You can still divorce bust even when divorced or preparing for one. Divorce/separation is just the business side of all this. The emotional/healing journey is the true landscape of DB.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
