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[Gerda]

Oh I love your road trip with your mom! That is the most perfect thing to do, for you at this time in your mom's life and for her at this time in your life. No wonder of course, you generally are doing the exact right thing.

Do you feel that first shift and breath of fall? I do, even down here.

So much to report but can't muster it at the moment. Will try to get to my thread one of these days, if only to elicit some shock even from DnJ.

((((DnJ))))) (((((Trees in DnJ's yard)))))) (((((Full Moon Over Your Yard and My Cabin's Yard and the Mountains and the Ponds and all the Creatures)))))))

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

At the moment no breath of fall. It is sweltering hot! Yesterday it was 35C, and when the sun came around the side of the house and shone on the thermometer the liquid rose right to the top of the glass tube, 56C.

I was out working on cutting the overgrown bushes/trees on my frontage by the fence. It was a very wet spring with high ground water from last year, and resulted in a huge pool of standing water. About 400 feet of my frontage had water, with the deepest point around two feet; with my fence of white posts and slung white chain going right down the middle. Slowly the ground absorbed this water and I kept cutting down the peripheral, coming at it from each end, and bit by bit reclaiming lawn from the cattails, tall weeds, and overgrown grass.

My return after three weeks had the entire patch free of standing water. Back to - starting from the roadway - the ditch, my fence, a mowed eight foot strip, and then my bushes. The ground in the lower spots was still spongy with ground water merely below the surface. Yet, dry enough for my mower to drive upon.

I successfully chopped down the road side of my fence line, the remaining couple hundred by ten feet of lush growth being turned in windrows like that of a hay field. It’s nice being able to drive the entire length of the fence and frontage again. I then proceeded onto the other side of the fence.

The overgrowth has not been trimmed back for a couple of years and some of the bushes were flattened into the lawn strip by winter’s snow fall as well. I mowed up to the bramble of branches and then started cutting and pulling and piling the sticks. I made it through three of the main tangles of bushes and started upon the fourth, when there was some buzzing and then ouch! a hornet stung me. One lone hornet. I looked around and didn’t see a nest anywhere or hear any stirred up swarm. (Thankfully.)

I am mildly allergic-ish to insect bits and stings. My last bee sting on my face had me balloon up quite unrecognizable. With the heat, and a possible nasty reaction pending, I packed it up for the day and drove back to the house. I was stung on the back of my neck directly on the left side muscles. Time I got to the house I had a nice sized red welt.

This morning the welt is a bit smaller, and my neck is stiff and sore on the left side. Ha, the selfie mode on my i-phone only gets used to inspect self injuries and such that I can’t directly see or use a mirror on. Very very few actual selfie portraits on my camera roll. Lol.

Anyhow, going to be heading out to hopefully finish off the fence line. Early morning work to beat the daytime heat. Will be taking some wasp spray in case I do see a nest, and I will be carefully scoping out the area before disturbing things too much.

(((((Full Moon Over Your Yard and My Cabin's Yard and the Mountains and the Ponds and all the Creatures)))))))

Oh yes, the bright moon bathing the night in a silvery glow. Interrupted by my dogs barking at the shinning disc. Haha.

A moonlit cabin in the mountains surrounded by ponds and life, sounds so wonderful.

Take care Gerda.

D

[DnJ]

Hello

A busy weekend. Son and daughter-in-law had a 1st year wedding anniversary celebration at my house and yard. I hosted the party as their house is not finished being built yet.

Both immediate families’ attended (those that are close by). Parents, grandparents, siblings, and significant others (sans XW/Mom, she was not invited). As well as my best friend and his wife (she’s also best friend ). All together 18 people.

What a fun time! Lots of food. Visiting. Laughing. Oh my, so much laughing!

When night fell upon the day and the sky turned dark, I brought out my telescope. Saturn rose up from beneath the eastern horizon and climbed above the treetops. We all took turns looking at the gorgeous planet. There were many oohs and aahs at what is one of the 10 out of 10 things to experience in star gazing, especially that first time. And for most of the in-laws that was their first time ever directly seeing such a thing. It’s magical seeing actual “live” photons.

Six people stayed the night, so the next day was a nice big breakfast for the seven of us. Although, the night before none of us thought we’d ever eat again. Lol. They all headed home around lunch time, aside from S21, he remained until Monday. He and I watched a bunch of movies, and found room for some more of the left over snacks and goodies from the potluck.

I had an eye appointment this morning and we said goodbye Sunday night; he could sleep in as long as he wants, and I’ll just go to my appointment in the morning. There was a pile of dishes when I left, and surprise, they were all done when I returned.

Over the weekend, I had quite a few of the kids help out with dishes and clean up, all unprompted. It’s really heartwarming to receive such favour without asking. And it’s such a far thing from the telling a teen to help out. Haha. They are really good adults and people.

Their lives could have taking such a different turn. I’ve been blessed that they’ve emerged better, not bitter, from the wreckage of six years ago.

For anyone hurting or new or seeking some kind of assurance - DB works! And far far beyond what you first desperately wish for.

Talk with you kids. Open, honest, age appropriate. God knows there are some difficult conversations. Their trust is shaken, they are hurt, and you need to bridge whatever gap there is. Gentle steering. Love. Understanding. Compassion. Empathy. Live in the light. Lead. Be their living example. They will follow.

Wherever you are along your journey, have faith.

D

[sjohns6]

D,

It is always a pleasure reading along with your posts. I'm sorry that you ended up here with all of us, but we are lucky to have you! You are such an inspiration. It sounds like everything is going really well! Congrats to your son on his anniversary!

I loved reading about your kids doing the dishes unprompted. It is such a small thing, but also indicative of growth in character, awareness, and maturity. I mean, your kids sound like they have always been pretty awesome, but not only that but also growing in to amazing adults. I have been seeing things like that in my children as well. My kids have always been pretty amazing too, but that extra little step to start actively contributing unprompted is humbling to me. I am so proud of my children and I love seeing how you are too! We've been through hard times, so seeing the children do well despite that is a testament to how well we've done despite what life threw at us.

I am happy you are doing well and its always nice to read how your family is doing. I hope you are having a great day, my friend!

[DnJ]

Just posting my response to Pattnee on my thread as well.

Goodness me I am so scared of having a MLC 😂how do I avoid it.

Yes, seeing first hand just now devastating a crisis is to someone does bring about concerns and questions of if it is avoidable or is it inevitable.

At the root of a crisis is emotional turmoil. Significant turmoil! Trauma(s) that occurred that the individual was just not equipped to cope with. These traumatic events are usually from their childhood, a time of immaturity. This healthy emotional immaturity gets overloaded and one’s perfectly normal defence mechanism - denial, kicks in. Denial needs to happen with stuff one cannot handle in the moment, elsewise one’s psyche would break. Denial is normal and healthy, the first step of grief. We deny, put aside something, until we can find the bandwidth to look at it.

Problem is the immature coping mechanism. The trauma(s) which usually happened from an authority figure are buried, and reinforced by the authority figure, and even those around the poor young person. Just imagine how messed up a young girl that was assaulted by her uncle and then had her parents and grandparents covered it up (twice), would end up being. The poor young soul withdrawals into themselves and even blames themselves. Their relief is that burying of it. Denial compounds and time crafts unrecognized and unreleased past trauma(s) that they carry with them. And that which is buried alive, will come back to haunt.

Throughout their life they likely experience various triggers which somewhat uncover these pains. Yet, their underdeveloped coping mechanisms, from when they were emotionally stunted, does its thing and buries it again.

Life has stages, which are a main source/trigger of emotional reorganizing and awareness and growth. Child to teen, adolescent to adult, entering mid life, entering golden years, as examples. As one passes from one life stage to another, some things get dropped and other appended. During this categorizing of one’s life so far, successes, failure, goals met, goals missed, goals dropped, all kinds of measures are looked at. One makes peace with where and when they are, and what they’ve done, or they don’t. How one lives does have a reckoning. And none more so than at midlife.

A midlife one faces the reality of their own mortality. Kids are grown and starting to leave the nest. Career is entering the wind down stage. Retirement is growing ever closer. One’s physical limitations are evermore apparent. Reflexes, strength, speed, agility, and so on, wane; we definitely cannot keep up with our kids in video games.

Of course, the midlife person enters a time of better thought and reflection. Language skills vastly improve and one usually becomes a better speaker. Even becomes rather eloquent and on the positive side of loquacious. Lol. A lifetime of events and experiences to drawn upon does yield benefits. Of course, that is for one who has found acceptance with their past and life thus far.

That is the crux of a midlife transition. Or any stage’s transition. Are you at peace with your choices? Did you live well? Did you utilize your time thus far as well as you could? Midlife just bringing all that very much more to the fore, for at this point whatever one put off is pretty clear.

A midlife transition is a significant thing. Everyone has regrets, missed opportunities, dreams let go of and forgotten, and so on. Some find their peace with it and enter their next stage like the golden years - peaceful, content, happy, and such; and others turn bitter and blameful at their lot in life. Pretty easy to see examples of these folks, just look around a mall or store. How many shinning happy faces see you vs sullen expressionless faces stare back at you.

Enter free will. We all have agency. We all make choices. We all make sacrifices. Be those decisions, choices, and sacrifices realized or unrealized; we make them. And we reap their benefits and consequences.

I found the biggest problem, or lie, in society is believing we can have it all. We can’t. There is simply too much for our limited time and resources. No matter how much money one has, their clock is still finite and the world’s smorgasbord is vast. Personally, my axiom, one of my unwavering tenets of life from way back in my twenties: When given a choice between time and money, always choose time. And I’ve lived that belief and conviction.

I’ve turned down promotions, moving, and so on, for more time with family and children. And time for myself. I don’t have millions of dollars stock piled in the bank. Over my life I’ve chosen to invest into time vacationing and making memories with family and friends. Yes, I’ve made sound financial decisions along the way, always letting the philosophy of quality time lead them.

So, is a crisis avoidable or inevitable?

When a midlife transition gets just too much, a crisis is born. There is a tipping point when one enters their crisis and now must traverse that journey. If one has too much unrealized trauma and pain, too many unreconciled life choices, especially those choices that were tore out of their hands many years ago, they have a high probability of a crisis.

A MLCer’s is depressed and consumed. They feel life has passed them by. They want a do-over. They cannot embrace their “golden” time. This is even beyond those bitter grumpy old folks, for the grumpy folks have traversed their transition, they just have more a resignation to their life and past, rather than acceptance and peace. The MLCer is running from their life.

How to avoid it? How to avoid a crisis? Make peace with your life and immutable past. Dig into yourself and see your values and value. Do you like what you see? Strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and alter/discard that which does not serve. Purposefully decide and choose your path towards your future. While, counterintuitively, letting the future unfurl as it will.

To achieve that apparent conflicting juxtaposition of purpose and letting go the future, live the present moment. Everything happens in the here and now. Fretting over the past, is present time. Planning for the future, happens in the present moment. Live your present with purpose and your future will unfurl with purpose.

I suppose, overall, I believe in free will. Therefore, a crisis is not inevitable. One could take actions to alter their trajectory. The problem is they don’t know that; the very root of the crisis being those buried trauma(s).

Knowing about midlife crisis, learning about it, understanding it, rationalizing it, empathizing with those suffering it, changes things. And that, is what makes it avoidable.

D

[DnJ]

Good Morning sjohn

Thank you for the kind words.

My situation, this place, these people, my journey has been, and is, the single most transformative event I’ve experienced. (So far. ) Nowadays I find it difficult to dredge up sorrow or sadness for my lot. I do, at times, wonder at how life would’ve been. Yet no regrets or anger, just peace and contentment. The power of acceptance and forgiveness.

I am glad to see your children, well adults now, are doing so very well. There is much collateral damage in these situations, and kids get hurt aplenty. Open honest conversations and interactions, some gentle steering, and lots of love does wonders. And yes, those unprompted acts are humbling to witness.

One’s character shines through in the small acts more than the grand show. Like how one treats someone who cannot do anything to help advance them. Or knowing the name and story of the person who cleans your office. Or helping out at a family gathering.

There are three types of people when it comes to work: Those that turn up their sleeves and dig in, those that turn up their nose, and those that don’t turn up. Haha.

Have a great weekend my friend.

D

[Gerda]

I just dropped S18 at college and I think I cried for the whole 8 hour drive from there to visiting my father (my father sadly nothing like yours, more like the original to my H!) and then when I got there, I walked at the water's edge in the dark and cried, like choking fall on the grass crying in the dark while everyone was sleeping, and in the next day kayaking at dusk, cried, prayed for his safety and peace, etc., you get the idea. My love for S18 is so deep I can hardly bear it, complicated by the hard life he had these last few years, etc. etc but that I will write more about one day when I finally update my thread.

The reason I came on here (and then got distracted for the last 45 minutes by the return of SJohn!) was to tell you to listen to this amazing podcast about trees, if you search for "Trees Talk To Each Other. 'Mother Tree' Ecologist Hears Lessons For People, Too." Since we love to discuss trees. I also have to talk to you about permaculture, after your musings on grass cutting I realize that I need to start preaching about that to you even though I have always loved your grass cutting reflections. But as I am now obsessed with permaculture I want to spread the ways. There is a great book you can listen to on tape that is called Restoration Agriculture, you will love the writer!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

(((Hugs)))

I empathize with your feelings over son and his safety. It’s difficult, especially the first time, as our kids leave the nest and spread their wings. After my three boys, I faced another new “first”, my daughter’s moving out left the house with only me. Such is life I suppose, opportunities for growth.

Is S18 excited for college? Did he get himself a car? How far away is his college from you? What course / vocation is he studying?

I did listen to that podcast. She’s a good public speaker. And a most interesting topic.

The extent of the interconnectedness between organisms is astounding. That, is the true World Wide Web! I feel at peace, connected somehow, walking about the trees.

I’ve been here for almost three decades now. The red pines along the forgotten walkway of old, now tower high. The giants of the yard, those century and a half cotton woods, stand majestically, still instilling a divine peace under their canopy’s embrace. The once small crab apple is now a thick tree that pushes into the walking path winding through the grass and bushes. The feature trees planted with each child’s birth are, like the child, grown strong and stand tall. The orchard W and I planted when starting our lives here, grows so many juicy apples and pears. New growth is everywhere in the yard. It all grows thick and healthy. And birds, and squirrels, and life thrives within.

I’m bring, getting my garden back in shape, to near the top of my list of things to do. I still have far too many things to do, yet I do so love fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, potatoes, corn, and such. My oldest son brought me a few tomatoes from his garden and they were soooo good.

Hope you day is going good.

D

[Eagle3]

Dear DnJ,

Glad to see that you share again more often some news about your life. It is truly is a pleasure to read your daily adventures.

My situation, this place, these people, my journey has been, and is, the single most transformative event I’ve experienced. (So far. ) Nowadays I find it difficult to dredge up sorrow or sadness for my lot. I do, at times, wonder at how life would’ve been. Yet no regrets or anger, just peace and contentment. The power of acceptance and forgiveness.

This...love this text...I know I'm on my way to reach this permanently as well, although I think I would have been there already if I wouldn't allow EXH to still have a hand in my life. I do sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be better to just leave him to God, yet I can't say no when he reaches out for my help, yet to each time conclude that he distants himself again when he feels he is close enough and has an impact on my feelings again.

Therefore, I wonder DnJ? What would you do in my situation? Could use some good advice...
I will also give some more details in my own thread.

XXX
E

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

My one year anniversary of retirement came and went. Oh my, how quickly I’ve adjusted to living the vacation lifestyle. LOL! I just love it!

Since returning from the trip with my Mom, I’ve been quite busy.

My lawnmower’s hydraulic system poured fluid out while I at my Mom’s place. She lives a few blocks away, just across town, so when I’m mowing my frontage ditch (around an hour into my mowing) I just drive over and mower her yard. At six foot wide strips, her yard doesn’t take very long. Somewhere around ten minutes, including cleaning up whatever garbage may have blown in to her yard, and the moving and returning of down spouts. I then head back home and continue my yard for the next three hours or so.

Well that day, after a couple of passes, I drove across her driveway and when turning around noticed a trail of wet liquid. Never a good sign. I have overheated my machine before and coolant has flowed out of the overflow line; rather unlikely as I now clean the radiator before every mowing. So I stopped the engine and investigated. The liquid wasn’t burning hot, it didn’t look oily or smell like coolant or oil either. So I looked underneath my mower.

There was a broken line which runs from the bottom of the hydraulic motor to the sight gauge. The line broke right at the fitting at the low point on the hydraulic motor. The hydraulics drive the locomotion and the steering, the mower blades are driven directly from the diesel engine, so I was stuck in her yard.

I went over to the local repair shop and they didn’t have any hosing the correct size. So, I headed home and got some correct sized water line and some pipe clamps for a temporary repair. An hour later, and 3 litres (quarts, for the non metric readers) of hydraulic fluid and I was back up and running.

The next day I went in to the city and got the proper line, new fluid, and new filter. I repaired / replaced the gauge line and unbeknownst to me, the breather line too. Flushed the hydraulic system and installed a new filter. Change the engine oil. And then washed all the sprayed fluid and accumulated dirt off. Gosh, what a mess it was.

I’m also designing / replacing my oil bath air filter on my tractor. The big 100 HP unit that I blow snow with. It’s taken a while of measuring and figuring, and I’ve finally ordered the necessary filter unit, piping, couplers and such to get from the new filter to the existing intake manifold. There is no room under the hood, even with removal of the present air filter, so I am mounting it on the passenger side of the loader arm support. Luckily, there happens to be a nice solid flat metal plate already welded onto the stationary beam.

And I’ve finally got back to my living room remodelling. The ceiling tiles are up, and it looks great! Moving around the furniture so I can reach the ceiling was a pain. All that’s left is installing the trim, and putting the pictures back up.

I’ve had two recent stories of XW. One from S21 and one from my Mom.

S21 called last week to tell me that Mom had just visited him. For months now, she has been desperately trying to contact S21. When son was over for the one year wedding anniversary party he showed me his phone and there was like twenty phone calls from Mom. And even more texts. She even asked him when he was going to see her, as she knew he was visiting me. This is nothing new, as every few months she gets antsy and needs to reach out, and after getting her way she fades away again. Anyhow, son did not see her that weekend.

So fast forward a couple of weeks and XW calls S21. Her and OM are in the city and she’d like to drop by and see his place. Son agrees and she arrives half an hour later. Her and OM look around his three story townhouse and make some nice comments. I asked if they had a nice visit, and son tells me they didn’t even sit down. They only stayed like five minutes.

Son also tells me that OM is a racists. What?!? During this brief time, OM went out on the second floor balcony overlooking the roadway. The grounds keepers happened to be out mowing grass that day. The two of them speaking to each other in their native language. OM loudly and rudely stating that if they live here they should speak english and that he’d come down and make them if they didn’t. OMG! S21 could get in trouble with such garbage being spewed from his balcony. XW even reined in OM saying you can’t say that here.

During this five minutes, it is just awkward. Mom wanting so badly to see S21 yet doesn’t have anything to talk about. She brings up that son and daughter tossed out the used Christmas tree she got them back when the two of them lived together. S21 laughed and said oh yes! That tree was trash! It was basically a green toilet brush, with most of the branches bare and the bristles mostly missing.

S21 tells Mom that FB market place is just folks getting rid of their trash. She and he have differing opinions, and she likes finding and buying used things. So son asked her just how many lawnmowers do you have? She has nine. Yes, nine lawnmowers.

It then is revealed that her and OM had come to pick up a project car for OM. They had no trailer with them, so I’ve no idea how they planned on transporting it home. Perhaps they were going to just drive it unregistered, unlicensed, and unsafe. Anyhow, the car was in far worse shape than they thought it was - it had no interior. However, the guy did have an old chicken coop. Which they took. It was in the back of XW’s truck. The guy also had an old lawnmower, which Mom just had to take as well.

Son asked (challenged) her about these mowers. And yes, none of them are in good shape. She only uses the one she has for her lawn mowing business. Son’s seen her collection, they are trash. The wheels are bent and they can’t even push straight. Still, she collects them.

Mom and OM were heading out to go shopping at a store which son was going to pick up some hiking boots in the next day or two. So he proposed they all go there together. Haha. S21 is a big strong guy, and OM is a really big guy. XW’s truck has just a bench seat. So, OM was squished in the middle.

At the store, OM heads off for the ammo, of which XW mentions he’ll be lost over there for hours. Son gets his boots and finds Mom looking about. He asks if they is anything she needs or would like to look at. She mentions knives. And that she can’t go over there, as she buy some. That she got a thing for knives. For sharp things. This did pop up a few warning flags for son, and he did not even ask how many knives she’s collected / accumulated.

So, plants, lawnmowers, knives, the five gardens, and lord knows what else, good thing OM has a big yard. Son told me that OM collect lots of junk too. The sheds are just full of crap.

Son and Mom pry OM away, and he is returned home. XW having had her fill, hasn’t contacted him since. She didn’t ask about university, rent, or other things in his life. As son said, it was apparent the visit was very much for her. Likely back to radio silent for the next few months.

Two days ago, mid-afternoon, my Mom was shopping in the grocery store. Turning at the end of her first aisle she saw XW. She is still skinny and moves about like a squirrel, always quickly. Mom was only there for a couple of things and finished in minutes.

Mom got in line behind a guy with his cart fully unloaded upon the conveyor belt. The cashier was finishing packing the prior customer’s bags and would soon be turning her attention to this guy. So, the guy simply returns his cart to the line of carts, fifteen feet away (I don’t know the metric equivalent, I deal with imperial for distance and weights ). During this mere seconds of delay, XW walks passed my Mom, by all the groceries about to be rung in, and hands her items over to the cashier. Literally handed them, as there was no place to set them down.

Of course, before XW’s transactions could even be started the guy returns to his groceries and his place in line. He just shakes his head. The cashier, and most folks around town I suspect, know XW. She just rings in her items, and packs her groceries. XW hurried out of the store, jumped in her car, and burned away. That’s how my Mom said it, XW actually pealed away.



I’ll pop over to your thread and talk more.

D