Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (14)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2944648#Post2944648

From your experience, does it mean that the only way is to divorce?

I will rephrase what is said here.
Since I can not also pick lottery numbers or predict what the winning numbers will be.

Most people that come here end up divorced.
Understand that the name of the board is DIVORCEBUSTING.
MWD nor I believe in divorce.

Will you end up divorced?
If I was a betting person I would bet YES.
Is that the end of the story?
Maybe yes maybe no.
Here is where you get a say in this.
That question is why this board is here.

One of my good friends from here divorced(a bitter contested one)
and now is remarried to his spouse.
Their are many examples of reconciliation and success stories.

Love is a choice and you have to choose to Love everyday.
What that looks like is up to you.
You can't control others - only yourself.
So many of us do not choose divorce.
We can choose what happens after that.

The normal advice is that the LBS gets to choose in the end.
And if you have not yet gotten to choose then it is not yet the end.

I know that this is all hard stuff.
All you can do right now is to make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.

I hoe all of that helps.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2944667#Post2944667

I am trying to justify her actions myself to understand why this happened better.

What works best is that which you can control - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. One can stick to their values and principles, and let their spouse do whatever heavy lifting towards divorce that they feel they need to do.

I found rationalizing and understanding good things to pursue. Not so much justifying or demonizing their spouse’s actions, rather working to understand how and/or why they could do the things they do.

Detachment is no longer being uncontrollably dragged about by one’s spouse’s behavior and words. Moving ourselves into a more rational realm helps alleviate the emotional responses and triggers and fears.

Understanding is a basis of empathy, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. An interesting journey seeking intellectual understanding while simultaneously emotionally letting go. In my view one should seek both of these while also figuring out their convictions. That is a lot on one’s plate, and it takes a while to sort it out. One has to go slow. For you can only eat the elephant one bite at a time.

D

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2944773#Post2944773

Today she even told me that she does not want separation agreement signed anymore. She will not do anything and just wait until we can officially divorce. It was strange to hear this as yesterday she was pushing this heavily and even mentioned that she will proceed with divorce through "loopholes" in the law now by herself. Today she was saying completely opposite things. Yesterday she told me she does not trust me anymore, today she said that "no worries, I trust you".

This should be made a sticky. R2C, can you add this to your thread?

It demonstrates two VERY clear DB principles:
1. It matters not what you say/do/be/admit to/want. All that matters is that most WAS/WS have no idea what they’re doing, what they want, how to get there - and they’ll burn the world down while simultaneously flip-flopping wildly. It’s a dumpster fire, and you just need to let it burn.
2. TMS, you spent significant energy trying to analyse the conversation. Significant time thinking - did I say the right thing, what does her reaction mean, have I pushed her further away, how does it align with DB principles, what do others on the board think happened…. All this fear driven analysis about what it all meant … and less than 24 hours later, the entire script has been flipped. It’s a good lesson - don’t waste your time analysing and worrying about how SOMEONE ELSE may think, want or do. You do you - calm, measured, honest and honourable. Next time you want to spend hours of your life trying to analyse her, remember what just happened. You’re better off sinking that time into hobbies, fitness, holidays, personal development, education and living life the the full.

I offered her help packing her things.

Absolute boss move 😎. Well done!

PS: Everyone is welcome to post nuggets of wisdom with a link to the source in my threads as well.

[Cadet]

Everyone is welcome to post nuggets of wisdom with a link to the source in my threads as well.

Great advice!!!

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2944889#Post2944889

She most likely is having that affair.

The BEST way to deal with that is to do NOTHING. Don’t investigate, don’t ask, don’t demand to know why she’s out late, don’t stalk, don’t search her phone. The reality is that, IN HER HEAD, an affair is justified. So once you find out and tell her you know or make demands she end it, most likely she will feel threatened. She will probably say some typical WS bullshit like “This is why I had to leave you.”

The only way anyone ever snaps out of an affair fog is if they simultaneously work out FOR THEMSELVES that it’s the wrong thing to do, and simultaneously stand to lose everything suddenly.

If she admits to an affair, say nothing. No arguing, begging, pleading or crying. If you seem unaffected, it will confuse her. Then, the next time she leaves the house, move all her stuff into storage. Like everything! Then text her “I no longer wish to share my life with a cheat. Your stuff has been moved to storage at xxxx. The code to access is xxxx. My lawyer will be in touch.”

If she’s having an affair, that’s the best chance you have IMHO of turning things around.

Don’t do or say anything the old you would have done. Do the opposite. Confuse her. Bring female friends (platonic) over for beers. Go out and party. Imagine her being around is a bit of an inconvenience.

99% of men (like me) who come to this site are submissive by nature, or have been beaten into submission by someone threatening to leave us. Men who are confident, outgoing, attractive and confident in themselves don’t come to this site - because if a woman is leaving them, they say good riddance and let them leave.

Please work on your own confidence and self love with a professional counsellor. You deserve someone who treats you well. And at the same time with your counsellor, identify what you did wrong in the marriage, identify your own faults - and prioritize the hard work to fix them.

Good luck!

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2944917#Post2944917

I set a goal for myself:
-zero mention of OR or OW
-go the entire time without letting him see a single tear or even an angry face (completely UNBOTHERED, even if he's lying or at OW's place.)
-when he tries to bait me into an argument because he's feeling guilty about what he's doing, immediately state that I don't have time for any negativity in my life, I'm too busy, and leave the room.

My plan, since I do well with deadlines, is to be *perfect* in this way of detaching from the situation for 14 days.
Then I'll reassess, take a few days away to "help my sister with the baby" and really let him think.
For my GAL and PMA, I'm needing to mostly ignore this awful situation. I was still too emotional about it and not detaching properly.

H has noticed.
The first two days he tried to bait me into arguments (I think he stopped at OW's place and was looking for me to give him a reason to justify it.)
I told him I had no time for it and to have a good night.

The third day he wanted to have a heart to heart. He talked a lot about how I used to act (controlling, disrespectful) and stated that he sees I've changed but he needed to talk about the past. He said again that he's afraid the changes aren't permanent.
I validated him and didn't comment further.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945004#Post2945004

I thought she was having a mid-life crisis but more and more I wonder if maybe she just isn’t the person I thought she was.

And what difference would it make if you knew it was option A or option B?

It matters not.

Trying to understand a WW/WAW is a ticket to the crazy house. What if I told you 1+1 = 3? Would you spend days thinking on it and trying to work out how I came to that conclusion?

I had real trouble with this, because I’m a problem solver in my job. I am trained to seek out facts, determine what (if anything is wrong), work out the correct solution and then apply it and then periodically take stock to make sure the solution is working. I approached my divorce the same way initially, and it’s a monumental waste of time. You can’t make sense of that which does not make sense. Once you get your head around that, you’ll DB much more effectively.

Read my thread on exercise, it has some stuff about rumination and why it’s not helpful. Better off spending that energy on things you can control.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945042#Post2945042

He needs to feel the pain and simmer in the oven for a while.

The only caveat is that if he’s depressed and you think he’s at risk of self harm, you have a responsibility to tell someone. Many mental health or depression help lines have a system where if you ring them and provide his details, they’ll give him a call and give him the opportunity to talk to someone.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945299#Post2945299

You invest intellectually.

One finds detachment. Unties their emotional response from their spouse’s words and/or behavior.

While this is occurring, tenets of divorce busting are learned, utilized, and lived. This is a rational pursuit which meshes well with efforts towards detachment. DB is not an emotional response, rather a well thought out approach and controlled action/reaction to one’s situation.

Focus on you, which is basically removing the excessive focus one places upon their spouse during this time. Get a life. Act as if. Lessen/remove the pressure exerted upon W. Give plenty of time and space. Kind and cordial to W. Dial expectations to zero.

When one’s emotions are not driving their situation, they have a better ability to become the best version of themselves. To not walk on eggshells. To find their convictions and stand for them.

DB, at its heart, is us investing in ourselves. And that give us the best chance at saving our marriage. You’ve got the gift of time. Use it well.

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945338#Post2945338

MWD does mention imagining a large red stop sign to halt one’s runaway emotions and thoughts.

A snippet from the internet of the stop technique for anxiety.

S: Stop. Whatever you're doing, just pause momentarily.
T: Take a breath. Re-connect with your breath. The breath is an anchor to the present moment.
O: Observe. Notice what is happening. What is happening inside you, and outside of you?
P: Proceed. Continue doing what you were doing.


It’s a simple and effective, a temporary redirection of yourself to gain influence upon your emotions. I’d also suggest that whatever feeling you are temporarily “stopping”, you seek to explore during your scheduled time. Feelings are indicative of things within, stuff which needs to be expressed and felt and let go. Otherwise it builds up.