Really enjoying the weekend. Time to myself. Social. Productive. Reflective. Healthy appropriate doses of family. Church, family (myself, sons and D and D’s BF) dinner, games, rest and outdoors today.
Ready to start a new week and keep after my goals.
This week has been really tough so far. Doing what it takes to get through. Lots of challenging thoughts and emotions that I have been encountering and rising up against with challenges of my own.
Looking forward to sports tonight and Saturday. Socializing with friends Saturday night. Father’s Day coming up.
Not really looking forward to wedding anniversary coming up. Need a plan
Plans for Fathers Day : spend time celebrating my dad with my mom and siblings. Then out later on for food and adventures with my kids.
Thinking for anniversary I will make a nice meal and maybe go out after snd shoot pool with some friends. Live music would be great though. I am close with our kids what do you recommend- do I acknowledge it’s our anniversary to them? I’m thinking follow their lead , be open to talking if they bring it up.
Finally with regard to W, do you suggest I do anything? Express some thoughts in a card? I have been leaning towards doing nothing (keeping pressure and pursuit out of the equation), but I don’t know. I have not been engaging in any R talks for a long time and that is good.
Finally with regard to W, do you suggest I do anything? Express some thoughts in a card?
If, after 800+ posts and probably a few thousand replies from veterans… if no you can’t answer that question for yourself, perhaps DB.com has nothing more to offer you.
I agree with Kind18, I’m not really sure what this board can do for you anymore. Until you fix your attachment and severe emotional issues you cannot sustain a healthy relationship with anyone. You probably should place all your focus into IC right now.
Thanks mates. I am heavily focused in IC and am making progress. I have been quite symptomatic lately with ptsd related difficulties and emotional dysregulation but over the course of this week I have been doing better. And I am consistently taking positive action. Not writing a card - except to my dad for Father’s Day.
You just took a out of the country vacation, updated us with how great you are doing. You're updates very recently said you're doing great and having a good time going out 3 nights in a row. Now all of a sudden it's been a rough lately with PTSD stuff.
I'm just going to be blunt.
You contradict yourself at an alarming rate. You post a thread and how it spoke to you, when someone asks how so, you ignore it. When it's pointed out you ignored it, you continue to ignore it.
You're kids are adults, why do they require anything from you in regards to fathers day? Shouldn't they be doing something for you? Or are you talking about your anniversary, because they weren't apart of your marriage. Family yes, your marriage no.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
So are you suggesting you have your older kids send a “Happy Anniversary Card” to your W who has a BF? That screams of desperation to manipulate her back to the marriage.
This week has been really tough so far. Doing what it takes to get through. Lots of challenging thoughts and emotions that I have been encountering and rising up against with challenges of my own.
Father’s Day, anniversary, and such do stir one’s emotions. Do the techniques and methods to acknowledge these feelings and let them wash over you.
You’re just back from a vacation. A good vacation from what you’ve shared. It is easy to unintentionally and unknowingly fall back into “old” habits that reinforce the very stresses and behaviours you likely “forgot” about during your time away from home and hearth. Reinforce the behaviours and inputs - the focus on other things like while vacationing - to alter your default responses to the familiar.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Looking forward to sports tonight and Saturday. Socializing with friends Saturday night. Father’s Day coming up.
Good stuff.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Not really looking forward to wedding anniversary coming up. Need a plan
I totally get how you’d not be looking forward to your anniversary and all it represents and reminds you of what you’ve lost, the pain and suffering, and so on.
Here’s a 180 for you. Why are looking at the anniversary at all? Looking at it, forwards or backwards will reinforce your emotions.
Yes, you need a plan!
Your plan: The anniversary is just another date on the calendar. Treat it as such. Focus on you! Not the lost. Do something. Go out for a meal and a movie. Go camping. Go out with friends. Something to alter/shift your internal view and relevance of the date. Small steps my friend.
(Thanksgiving for me is just a family gathering now, not bomb drop anniversary. My wedding anniversary passes by without realizing it. I’ve not forgotten my marriage. I’ve not forgotten bomb drop. I’m just not dragged around by them. It doesn’t hurt anymore.)
Originally Posted by Rockon
Plans for Fathers Day : spend time celebrating my dad with my mom and siblings. Then out later on for food and adventures with my kids.
Excellent! Good plan! Have a great time.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Thinking for anniversary
Stop. Imagine the big red stop sign. Think Friday (or whatever the day is), not anniversary.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Thinking for anniversary Friday, I will make a nice meal and maybe go out after and shoot pool with some friends. Live music would be great though.
See the difference? Does it aspire/feel different inside you? Yes, go shoot pool and enjoy time with friends. Be present in the moment. Limit backsliding for that time.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am close with our kids what do you recommend- do I acknowledge it’s our anniversary to them? I’m thinking follow their lead , be open to talking if they bring it up.
Certainly talk to them if they bring it up. However, another 180 suggestion for you: You lead.
Gently steer your kids. Treat “Friday” like Friday. Let them know you are going out to shoot pool. Not a specific conversation. More if you and they talk between now and then. Your youngest is still living with you, so I suspect you share your whereabouts and plans with him more often than not. And if this doesn’t come up, more the better.
Basically, do not bring up the anniversary. Let it pass by unnoticed by them even. And it will be perfectly fine to respond if one of them happens to bring it up.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Finally with regard to W, do you suggest I do anything? Express some thoughts in a card? I have been leaning towards doing nothing (keeping pressure and pursuit out of the equation), but I don’t know. I have not been engaging in any R talks for a long time and that is good.
No card. No talk. No call. Nothing. Let it pass by unacknowledged between you two.
From your first post:
Originally Posted by Rockon
My wife (we have been married more than 25 years and been through a lot -lots of family pain as well as lots of joy) blindsided me this summer with not wanting to be married anymore and moved out. I understand she has been (might still be) in an affair of some sorts but she has told me that she is not ready to talk about it. I have stopped bringing it up and have been working at giving her lots of time and space.
W is still living with her Mom. She hasn’t owned nor discussed her affair. She has found an equilibrium. Externally, she is not doing much of any sort of progress. Internally, hopefully she is moving forward. One looking really cannot tell.
You, continue to not manipulate. Give her time and space! And this upcoming special day (notice how that particular wording doesn’t reinforce the feelings tied and associated with “anniversary”), do something for you.
You do for you. Not to manipulate her. Perhaps, her boggle dice get shook up in such action from you. That’s ok. Heck, it’s likely even a good thing to disturb her equilibrium, however that is not the purpose nor focus of why. The why is for you. Your growth and healing. Any positive influence upon her and her path that may occur, or any negative repercussions, mostly matters not. You enact and do and change for you. DB in a nutshell, right?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
