I'm not sure if this is the right section of the forum for this, so if a moderator wants to move it, feel free.
Watching my marriage crumble around me has been a learning experience. Although it is not I who wants to end it, I realize that even if it were to be restored, it would have to be completely different from what it was before. And if a new relationship should replace it, that would have to be very different from this one too.
I decided to write out what I have learned from my experiences, as well as what I would want a new relationship to look like. In the process, I not only acknowledged my faults, but also extolled my own good qualities. I found that indulging in self-promotion is very empowering and is helping me realize that I am not to blame for everything. It makes me realize I have many good qualities and those should be shared with the right person (which may end up being my spouse or maybe not).
If you read this, I am sure you will recognize some elements of Michele's writings and those of you that have contributed to my threads will probably see elements of the advice you have given. It's rather long, so I will break it into two parts below. Maybe it will help someone. And if it doesn't, it still gave me benefit to crystallize my thoughts.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I have thought about what my marriage has taught me. It has taught me about mistakes I have made. It has also taught me that there are things I will and will not accept in a relationship going forward. Here are the things I have learned:
1. There is no substitute for constant affirmation of someone’s importance. Women especially require that they be told frequently how beautiful, special, and desirable they are. I will do that much more in a future relationship.
2. Some small time for togetherness must be scheduled each week. It doesn’t have to be a dinner date; it can be a walk in the park or watching the sun set. The many commitments that press on our time must yield somewhere. In my life, my relationship will come first, and I expect my woman to view it the same way. Any money- or profit-making ventures are secondary. Of course, I will support anything she wants to do, but time for us has to be there each week. It was a mistake not to schedule this in the past. Any future relationship I find myself in must make time for this each week. I am worth it.
3. Physical intimacy is important to me. That does not just mean sex. It means touching, holding, caressing. And trying to fit in sex on vacations, etc., doesn’t always work when there are lots of other things planned, or when kids are involved. Any future relationship I find myself in must make periodic time for overnights or weekends devoted to nothing but physical intimacy. No visiting tourist sites, no planning anything except for meals. When no meal is scheduled, we are in the bed, no clothes on, doing something that makes us feel good and close. Touching, talking dirty, [censored], sleeping in each other’s arms, whatever. This has to take place at least a few times a year. Not negotiable, and I am worth it.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
4. Related to #3, I have learned that I am good in bed. I know this not because my ego is large, but because my lover told me so. I have learned that telling someone you want to go to bed with them purely for lustful reasons is fine, even if you are married to them. Someone who recognizes the joy of sex doesn’t object to being told this; they welcome it. I am also a considerate lover who puts high importance on making sure that the woman I am with receives any pleasure she wants. Her pleasure is just as important as mine. I regularly ask my lover what I can do for her, and if she wants me to [use your imagination] all she has to do is say so, and I will. As far as I am concerned, I exist to make both of us feel good. I am good at sex and willing to become better. I am worthy of a lover who wants this. I am worthy of a lover, period.
5. I will only bear my portion of the responsibility for mistakes made in a relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship fall apart. If my partner feels unhappy with her life, or doesn’t know what she wants from life, and that is affecting the relationship, that is not my problem, and I will not bear any guilt for it. Why? Happiness and unhappiness do not come from, and are not caused by, external things or other people. They come from within. We choose happiness or unhappiness. If someone else (including my lover) chooses to be unhappy, I can’t control that. I can control my own happiness only, and I am absolutely worthy of happiness.
6. I no longer believe love is an emotion; it is a choice. Some people believe that love goes away as people change over time. The only way it “goes away” is when we stop doing loving things. If we have stopped, but then start doing loving things again (the things we used to do that brought us together), love will return. Someone said marriage is falling in love with the same person over and over again. There is truth in that. We can choose love like we choose happiness. If my partner decides that she doesn’t want to do loving things with me anymore, then I am worthy of someone else, who will.
7. I am an intellectual, introverted guy who walks the straight and narrow (mostly lol). I don’t drink, smoke, abuse drugs, or indulge in similar behaviors that might abuse my body. I work hard and provide well for myself and my other financial responsibilities. These are not liabilities or the characteristics of a “boring, uninteresting guy”; they are virtues. And a woman who values me will not think that I am unworthy of knowing because of them.
8. I am a “catch.” I am a prize for someone, the right someone. I should stop myself when I am tempted to think otherwise.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
This forum is a fine location for your thread. You, all posters, are encouraged to post wherever you find your situation and/or discussion fits best. A forum’s title is a general description of what’s likely to exist within that forum - midlife crisis or piecing, as examples. Sharing and discussing and working towards crystallizing your values and convictions and worthiness certainly fits here.
I agree, these situations are most definitely a learning experience. An opening to a whole new world of lessons and viewpoints.
Learning and growing can continue for one’s entire life’s journey. I think lots of LBS do find themselves casting aside their unrealized shackles of stagnation they had unwittingly clamp upon themselves years ago. And in such, finding, and remaining true to, their deep self.
It’s a golden opportunity. One we never “wanted”, and yet eventually discover and appreciate such value within, we’d not return it, even if we could.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I will echo what DnJ said...you are welcome to post anywhere on the forum that you think is the right place to post.
You sound like a very wise person who has rediscovered yourself. The journey that we all have taken does open our eyes to life and what it has to offer. We sometimes do not realize just how much of ourselves that we have given to a relationship until that relationship has died. Once we have found our footing again, we begin to heal and rediscover ourselves and continue on to new opportunities as well as meeting new people along the way.
As the saying goes "you've come a long way baby". Your postings will help others and give them the strength and encouragement to move forward and realize that there is life after a relationship crisis. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will echo what DnJ said...you are welcome to post anywhere on the forum that you think is the right place to post.
You sound like a very wise person who has rediscovered yourself. The journey that we all have taken does open our eyes to life and what it has to offer. We sometimes do not realize just how much of ourselves that we have given to a relationship until that relationship has died. Once we have found our footing again, we begin to heal and rediscover ourselves and continue on to new opportunities as well as meeting new people along the way.
As the saying goes "you've come a long way baby". Your postings will help others and give them the strength and encouragement to move forward and realize that there is life after a relationship crisis. Keep up the good work!
Thank you, job.
It is never easy, but I put one foot in front of the other.
All said, I've lived some pretty great experiences in my life. I know there can be more. I am 58 years young. I feel pretty young; even W has told me over the years that I always looked younger than my age. Only giveaway is the graying hair lol. I don't have the hormones of a teenager anymore, but libido is still pretty good too.
It seemed strange to me at first, but I feel my self-perception is changing somewhat. I always had some insecurity about my looks. I used to look in the mirror and only see all the flaws. Now, for some reason, I am starting to ignore the flaws and look at the assets.
I think to myself, "W always liked that part of me. You know what? I like it, too. I'll never be Mr. Universe, but for a guy my age, that's not bad."
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
It is never easy, but I put one foot in front of the other.
All said, I've lived some pretty great experiences in my life. I know there can be more. I am 58 years young. I feel pretty young; even W has told me over the years that I always looked younger than my age. Only giveaway is the graying hair lol. I don't have the hormones of a teenager anymore, but libido is still pretty good too.
It seemed strange to me at first, but I feel my self-perception is changing somewhat. I always had some insecurity about my looks. I used to look in the mirror and only see all the flaws. Now, for some reason, I am starting to ignore the flaws and look at the assets.
I think to myself, "W always liked that part of me. You know what? I like it, too. I'll never be Mr. Universe, but for a guy my age, that's not bad."
I was about the same age as you when I first arrived here. I think you are on the right track and this is certainly a good place to post about it.
This journey is certainly one of self discovery and I am so glad you like the person that you see in the mirror.
I am sure that as time moves along you will like him even more.
Everything happens for a reason and although I never would have picked the path of coming here, I am so glad that I did.
