My wife is definitely having a MLC. She is 49 and in the past 6 months or so has lost 20lbs, changed her wardrobe to much more revealing clothing - tasteful for the most part but a few outfits not appropriate, a lot of Botox, fillers, skin tightening procedures (no surgery as of yet), a whole new group of friends that she socializes with, much more drinking, spending money like crazy.
Hey Keyser: Quite a few parallels between your situation and mine. I don't think it's MLC in my W's case, though. What you, me, and a bunch of other people on here are going through is very common.
I wrote a lengthy post in my own thread regarding my W's seeming obsession with her appearance. When we married she weighed about twice what she does now and has always been self-conscious about her weight. I have never cared what she weighed, although I understand the health risks of being very overweight.
She had a couple of weight loss surgeries and dropped around 125 pounds; she recently underwent surgery to remove excess skin, fat, etc. following the weight loss. But she is going further than that and next she is having the flabby skin on her arms fixed and is going to have a breast lift.
Most likely, she would have done these surgeries eventually anyway, but the fact that they are coinciding with her quitting our marriage makes me wonder if there is OM in the picture or, if not, if she is doing it now so she can be "more attractive" and get a younger man or a man she thinks is better looking than me. (Note that she has always been a good-looking woman regardless of weight).
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I just want my W back. The alien who took over her body is not who I married. I have good days and bad days. We still do things as a family and act as if its normal around other friends and family but in private its far from normal. I would do anything to get back to where we were but I realize after all of the damage that has been done, we will never be the same.
I hear you. I have felt exactly the same way.
You already recognize that your marriage is over. What I mean by that is not that you are necessarily going to divorce immediately. What I mean is that you recognize that even if you stay together, what was going on in the marriage was not working so you are going to have to visualize a complete revision. And your goal is to make yourself capable of carrying out that revision.
Does that mean you will definitely stay married to her? No. What it does mean, however, is that you will be better equipped for the future regardless of what happens.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Reading your suggestion of reclaiming the master bedroom gave me some butterflies. I would be nervous to do it.
Don't be. I know it might seem tough. I have never left the master bedroom, and I will not until the day I am out of this house. My wife has never challenged me on it. You might be surprised by what happens.
Ironically, she has been on the couch, or in a recliner, for weeks now, but that is because of her surgery. She can't lie flat yet so props herself up when she sleeps.
Originally Posted by Keyser77
I should say, which I don't think that I have, that I am at fault for plenty of things. I caused problems with my actions and not fulfilling all of her basic needs. She keeps bringing up the fact that it took this to open my eyes so she harbors resentment. Any good deed or anything I do in a positive light looks fake to her and insincere which I totally get.
Are you married to my wife (lol)? This is the absolutely classic, standard script that these situations follow. It happens over and over again. You're right about the "fakeness." Nothing you say to try to appease her will be accepted as genuine, even if it is.
It is good that you recognize your fault in this. Pretty much everyone here contributed in some way to the downfall of our marriages. I fell into a pattern where I coasted too much. So did my wife, by the way, but I'm not sure she sees it. So admit your fault, BUT do not let her make you think that you are the reason for her unhappiness. She could find ways to end her unhappiness at any time and very possibly enjoy her marriage again. If she chooses not to, that is on her. Happiness comes from within, not without.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Did your W ever talk to you before this about those things “you were at fault” for? Because if she didn’t then that’s on her, we aren’t mind readers. H used the same argument with me about doing more housework( he worked from home and I had two jobs so he did more of the house duties during the day) he never said anything about it and his argument was “ I shouldn’t have to say anything you should just know “ 🙄 I think one thing I have gotten out of this lately is they play the victim so much and shift so much blame.
Hey Keyser, maybe I was actually married to Pattnee's husband (lol)!
I heard this one too. ("You should have known.")
Speaking only for myself, if I noticed some behavior in my spouse that I could see threatening the marriage down the road, I'd say, "Let's get some time away from the kids, sit down, and have a talk. We need to nip this in the bud NOW."
But the ones that leave don't do that. They suffer in silence, then claim they did everything they could.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Thank you everyone for the replies and support. It makes this extremely difficult situation easier by being a part of this community.
Sunflyer - I've read a lot of your posts even before you posted on mine and loved your Manifesto. Its crazy how so many of us with presumably different backgrounds, races, religions, upbringing, life experiences, etc all have or going through the same situation with people who exhibit the same characteristics.
Yesterday we had as "normal" a day as we've had in a little while. My W asked a few questions about our R. I answered them but then tried to change the subject. We are not in a spot where anything will be resolved by us talking about things. I think she let her guard down for a bit because we were all together hanging out by the community pool. But she did not the DB techniques because it was such a switch from the constant R talks, the following her around the house like a puppy, the text messages, etc. I was doing all the wrong things and when I started DB she noticed right away. She told me I was being "distant" and why the change. I validated her feelings and moved on.
The issue with DBing that a few of us face is that for our W, its more of the same. Meaning when my W and I used to have arguments, I would just retract and not really speak to her unless spoken to and keep my distance. Recently when I started DBing, thats what she thought/thinks I am doing.
Its crazy how so many of us with presumably different backgrounds, races, religions, upbringing, life experiences, etc all have or going through the same situation with people who exhibit the same characteristics.
I know, right? It's like our spouses have all read the same book: "How to Leave Your Husband or Wife in Six Easy Steps."
I find, with each passing day, that I gradually spend more time thinking about my future and less about the past. More and more, those thoughts of the future don't have my wife in them, even though I still live with her for now.
If the moon falls out of the sky and she wants to jump back in, I'm all ears. If not, onward and forward. I won't wait for her.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I don't know what to think anymore. The roller coaster ride just [censored]. The up and down and looking for any glimmer of hope in what my W says or does. I'm so hopeful the believe nothing they say and half of what they do is true because some of the crap that comes out of my W mouth wife really makes me believe her body has been taken over by aliens. Recently family events have forced us to spend more time together and its been nice. No arguments, very little tension and almost normal. Then something gets said to remind me of the situation I'm in.
I swear I have spent so many hours on this site reading so much my brain is going to explode. I value what everyone has to say, everyone's journey, the life stories, the words of wisdom and encouragement. I'm so happy I found this site.
I've come a long way since landing here. I spent 8 weeks in counseling and before finding this forum and honestly, the counseling didn't help me at all. This forum has absolutely helped! I am still very much struggling but feel a little better about my situation and outlook thanks to the folks here.
Yep, the rollercoaster ain’t a fun time. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. It allows you to stop being dragged about by W’s words and behaviour. You basically get off the ride and even leave the park.
Originally Posted by Keyser77
The up and down and looking for any glimmer of hope in what my W says or does.
I understand and empathize with you. Eventually you will lessen your need for glimmers and breadcrumbs of where W is, or might be, along her journey. Besides there are not a lot of “good” data points anyhow, as you said, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. The extrapolated projection from such a data set doesn’t have much value.
Hope lives within the possibilities. The future is unwritten and unknown, and full of possibilities.
Remember, a beginner’s mind from DR. See things differently. Do a 180. Act as if. GAL.
Whatever changes you make, make them for you, and make then permanent. W is going to be doubtful for a while to any improvements of you. Just keep at it, and have faith.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DNJ only ever gives excellent, experience-driven advice, so listen carefully.
Also, he’s the resident expert at calming you down and giving a glass-half-full perspective for those times when you feel overwhelmed/angry/vindictive/sad/broken.
His analogy of getting off the roller coaster and leaving the park is correct. A roller-coaster is not a controllable journey. You can’t stop it, make it go faster, make it go slower or change the direction of the track. That’s what divorce is like just after bomb day. It’s a real waiting game.
The only thing you control is your thoughts, your emotions, your words and your behaviour (which is actually quite a lot, isn’t it?)
Detaching does not mean walking away from your marriage. It means putting a safe distance between yourself and the craziness of a walk away or wayward spouse. It gives you a chance to separate your emotions from your behaviours, it gives you a chance to identify your faults and work on them, it allows you to discover that you aren’t responsible for everything, and it gives your spouse a chance to take a breather - and perhaps realise their unhappiness is not all your fault.
It also gives you a chance to start realising you can feel happy in just your own company.
Another good analogy is being a fallen autumn leaf during a tornado. You know you’re going to get tossed about until the storm blows itself out.
I thought I had posted but something is wrong with the website. Chrome doesn't like due to an expired certificate. So let me try this again....
It has been a bit of struggle today. I read on a different website before finding this one that MLC can last 3 - 7 years. I love my wife or the former version of my wife. I have been in the middle of this for at least 3 months but I can sort of look back about 10 months ago to when I think this first started. I didn't know what it was at the time. Again, I know I am not innocent and am to blame for a lot of this. But if you tell me that I have to deal with this situation for another 3 years, I don't think I will make it. Is it at possible that employing DB techniques will shorten the life span? I know my M will never be the same after this. I'd love for it be like it was but that will never happen. Maybe it will be a better version.
Recently she has been more and more resentful of her responsibilies as a mom. That is new as she has always been an excellent mom. I don't know if that is part of the MLC. Of course I'm to blame for them being typical 9 and 11 years old who sometimes aren't the best behaved. But they're good kids. She blew up tonight about having to do typical mom stuff the kids.
Thanks for listening. I'm really struggling today.
