Good for you getting out and not sitting around the house staring at the walls. It is perfectly fine to do things you enjoy; not everything needs to be a 180.
A big purpose of the doing a 180 is to shake up the same old same old, that predictable rut we get into. A 180 is not doing stuff that is contrary to our core self, its more just getting out of our well worn grove.
A good way to discover new things you enjoy, is to actually re-discover old forgotten things. Like an old hobby you (had to ?) put aside as marriage, kids, work, and life required more and more of your time. (For example, I’m resurrecting my nitromethane powered remote control 1/8 scale monster truck that’s been packed away for decades.)
There is/was nothing wrong with accepting and embracing life’s responsibilities, yet we do lose/forget some of what made us, well us. That vibrant fun person our spouse was first attracted to. Finding ourselves is a big part of a 180.
Along with rekindling old known hobbies, try new things as well. To be sure not everything you try you will enjoy, and that’s ok. Drop the stuff that doesn’t resonate and continue that which does.
Also, stuff doesn’t need to be expensive or extravagant. It can be a simple as a solo stroll in the park or going down to the wilderness trail to do the 2 hour hike by yourself. Go out for a fancy meal, by yourself once in a while too. Dig out your bicycle and take it for a spin (you really never do forget how to ride a bike. ). Take up gardening, go to the gym, enrol in a kick boxing class or cooking class or art class. The world is full of stuff to do and we barely scratch the surface.
Originally Posted by Keyser77
W didn't say a single word to me yesterday and I didn't say one word to her. We live in the same house so it can be a bit uncomfortable. There have been many times in our M where we had done this and I had vowed recently to stop doing it. However, she is as cold as ice towards me and I feel like I'd be breaking the DB rules if I tried speaking to her.
I like the promise you stated - to stop giving the silent treatment. You should uphold that promise.
Realize, you know being silent is not something that feeds you. It does not serve you. Yet you are doing it. Why? Why be silent just because W is in a snit? Do not let her state, or anyone’s state, rule how you behave. You control you.
I get it. You live in the same household, and there is a palpable tension. So, be kind and cordial. Friendly, not friends. Act as if.
If you enter into a scenario as if it is broken, defeated, already lost, etc. there is very little chance things will alter or get better. We do mostly craft our reality. Fighting begets fighting. Silence begets silence.
Instead, enter that same scenario with a positive hopeful attitude. Important, hopeful as in possible not expected; keep expectations to zero. So, say good morning. Just friendly and cordial. She may respond with a good morning as well. Or she might bite your head off. Either way - ice broken.
Regardless of W, you’ve demonstrated you aren’t harbouring ill will, or giving the silent treatment. A good 180. And it’s good for you. Which is the very best of reasons.
You only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Through these you can, and do, influence others and the world around you. Shine a positive influence. Potential changes are more likely to manifest in kind.
Eventually, acting as if, becomes not an act. It’s just who you are. The journey to becoming the best version of yourself.
Of course, W has free will. She may very well fight against your positive outlook and demonstrated behaviour and love of life. Oh well. You aren’t (primarily) doing this for her, you are doing it for you. Remain calm if/when she gets angry.
That being said, you cannot control how she response. However, you can control how you respond. Enter the boundaries. Disrespect like swearing and yelling need not be passively encouraged. You leave the room, you take yourself elsewhere, and you let W have her consequences of disrespectful behaviour.
All this is not poking the bear, or having R talks, or some such; it’s just a simple “hi” to your current roommate. How she responses will indicate furthering or ceasing that present time interaction.
Hoping you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you - I took your advice and spoke to her. She was absolutely rude to me but I feel better having taken the high road. In fact, I think she got even angrier with me that even dared to speak to her knowing full well that she is mad at me. The alien keeps her appearance........
I have read about parents walking away from the family during a MLC. My W seems less interesting is parenting duties these days. That is a big one for me to deal with. My oldest D-12 and my wife always but heads but it seems like its gotten worse. Is it a common for a MLC mom who was an awesome mom to be angry towards their kids too, seem resentful over having to do mom things and maybe wanting a break? That one is hard for to see.
It is common for a person within a crisis to become a terrible parent. Such deep emotional turmoil drags them back to their pain. They regress, time travel, to then. A time when they likely did not know you, were not married, and did not have kids. They feel like that. And as such, can get very distant with spouse, kids, family, friends, work, and their current life in general.
Such emotions and pain, such a crisis, is pretty unknown until you see it, or experience it. As difficult as it is for us LBS to understand what’s going on, imagine living it! The person is uncontrollably feeling all manner of things (and nothing), and yet knowing not what exactly, nor why. And they run. And blame.
Yes, a Mom or Dad can very well feel resentment towards their kids. A crisis is about them wanting, demanding, they get a do over. They plunge into reliving their younger days and doing all the things that they feel they missed out on. The LBS, kids, friends, and so on, all get caught up in the blast radius of bomb drop, and all become collateral damage.
My W blew up her life at the supper table during Thanksgiving Diner. Right there, after the meal, she stood up and announced to me, our four children (S20, S19, S17, D15), my son’s girlfriend (GF20), and my parents, that she was done with the marriage and “[DnJ], you get the house, the cars, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I’ll guess I’ll have to take them.”. W completed her exodus by revealing OM, and she moved out that night. From BD to W gone, was three hours. OM picked her up at the end of our lane as she walked into the darkness with only the clothes on her back.
BD was absolutely staggering. W was an awesome mother, and had ran a childcare business out of our home. Her and I were married 25 years and together for 31. I really cannot overstate the shock to me and everyone seated and witnessing her announcement and behaviour.
Along with turning their back on their children, they also can pick out a favourite and least favourite. My third son, S17 got clobbered with Mom’s wrath. She pick on him, blamed him, and blasted him, during the few meet ups over the next few months. And she saw daughter as a rival of sorts. W was such a mess.
She missed (ignored) kids’ birthdays, and special events. Her new wonderful life was all about OM and his son, and brashly flaunted it. She also took on OM’s son as if her was her’s. In fact, a year later when OM’s son rolled the car, XW berated her own children during a visit that they should treat her better as she almost lost a child in that car accident. What?!? She said that to her own children!
Of course, this is years ago, me and the kids are years down the path from that time.
MLC is truly bizarre. I was incredibly fortunate to have wittinesses over the years. Kids and parents and BF have seen some truly incredible things. XW has four different ages living within her. Most times she is a brash 18 year old. However, when pushed she becomes a 13 year old, push further and she become a 7 year old child. It is heartbreaking to see her mannerisms and hear her speak; she is actually back then. As example, a woman of 48, only able to do math of a seven year old.
The fourth personality or age, is her current one. Days after BD W was home discussing getting a divorce. This after another big announcement (in front of son and BF) that she just had sex with OM so we can now get divorced without waiting a year. Yuck! Anyhow, W and I were talking and right in the middle of a sentence she stopped. Her face brightened, her eyes shone, and she was her again. We spoke about our love and marriage, for almost 30 seconds, then she stopped, and her face contorted. The color left her checks, her eyes became dark, and W was dragged back to the depths. She picked up her previous conversation, precisely where she had 30 second before left off. Spooky AF!
To this day, my best friend and I are amazed at this. BF jokes he half expected her head to spin full around too.
XW threw her children away like they were old clothes or wore out shoes. Well actually, she didn’t through such things away I found out when cleaning the basement. Oh my goodness, so much stuff! An example, eleven brooms! She had a range of brooms from completely wore out to two brand new and still in the wrapping. Why she kept worn out brooms, I’ve no idea.
XW tossed aside her kids and six years later has not really awakened towards them. All four find Mom to be, not Mom. The kids and I have had many open honest conversations over the years, as they did have a front row seat to the explosion. They have a pretty clear understanding of what’s going on. They do visit her, this woman who once was their loving Mom.
She’s got over 500 plants in OM’s house (literally, there are no flat surfaces without plants upon them. Floor, tables, seats, the TV, everywhere); had birds but got rid of them as they wouldn’t fly around and land on her finger; wants to cut a hole in the second floor so the cornstalk which has reached the ceiling can keep growing as she doesn’t want to prune it; wouldn’t go to son’s convocation; made trouble for son’s wedding; stalked her daughter; blindsided her daughter at school in between classes in the hallway in front of her classmates; went shopping to the local grocery store in short shorts and a bra (the kids worked there and just hid in the back); went to the student job bank and scooped up all the grass mowing and snow shovelling jobs (later quit all of them except two old folks); flirted with the high school boys at the track meet; exercises to the extreme; has been hired and trained and then quit jobs at two different hospitals because she wants to have time off when she wants; and so on and so on…
She’s a tad on the extreme side though, quite a troubled lost soul.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you - I took your advice and spoke to her. She was absolutely rude to me but I feel better having taken the high road. In fact, I think she got even angrier with me that even dared to speak to her knowing full well that she is mad at me. The alien keeps her appearance.........
Be the safe one where she can express her anger. Show her you are not effected by her emotional state. Back when I was going through this, DBer talked about "putting on your rain coat" and let the venom fly. Practice your emotional validation statements. "You look angry" or "I can see why that would upset you" etc.
Small talk is fine, avoid bringing up R talks. If she does bring up R, you just STFU, give her your full attention and listen. Understand her story. Do not enter her state. You are the Rock. Throw in a few Emotional validation statements letting your you can relate to her emotional state.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
W took the kids out to a friends and I went and hung with S-27 at his community pool. He knows a little of whats going on. Its pretty hard to keep it a secret. He knows his mom is different and brought up stuff that I didn't think he had noticed. One being that his mom treats his two sisters differently. She clearly favors one over the other. It was hard to hear that someone else especially their brother noticed. Otherwise, the conversation was mainly light and I had a good time. I'm glad I went and got out of the house. My W is on her way home with my two daughters and I'm honestly dreading her arrival. I never know who is going to walk in the door. Three days ago we were doing ok (for us). Then Thursday night the alien invader came and obviously still here.
Ready2Change - thanks for the reply. I am putting my raincoat on now as I type this.
DnJ - thank you for your long response. I am always impressed and taken back by the amount of time and effort you put into helping people out on here. I've read so many of your post and they are always thoughtful and full of wisdom. You are a huge asset here.
If he can come out the other side a happy, balanced, calm and reasonable person, then surely there’s hope for the rest of us!
Quote
My W is on her way home with my two daughters and I'm honestly dreading her arrival.
I really think you should get some help with your fear. While I’m not judging you for ending up there (abusive and manipulative wives can really destroy good men), it’s something you need to at least acknowledge and decide consciously to work on.
Perhaps the motivation you need is this - when you react with fear and trepidation, you’re actually making yourself unattractive and pushing her away. Do you want to keep pushing her away, or do you want to work on it?
Something else that may help - what exactly are you afraid of?
The situation is currently thus - she’s announced her unhappiness, she is going to divorce you, and there’s potentially an AP in the mix.
I’m not sure things can get much worse - so what’s there to be scared of?
Imagine she comes home, screams at you, tells you she’s having an affair, and starts packing a bag… how’s that any worse than right now? When you have nothing left to lose, you have nothing to be scared of.
I’d suggest you stop worrying about her, get on with your life… if she comes home and you’ve got a few mates over for beers and watching the game, what’s she going to do?
The rub: women aren’t attracted to scared, weak, emotional and easily manipulated men - and you CAN do something about it!
Here is what I'm afraid of - that my W is having a PA and my marriage is over. I didn't know how common a PA was in MLCs. It would appear that 100 percent of all people in MLC have an affair. And while I'm sure there may be exceptions, it doesn't seem like there are any. I read some of the stories on here of what spouses of MLCer have had to endure and I know I don't have it in me. I can take the months of being a whipping boy, talked down to, ignored, etc. But the betrayal of a PA would end everything and that isn't what I want. I could wait out everything else and continue to DB but not if she has a PA.
We have built a pretty good life together. We are financially well off, have a beautiful healthy family and by any standards lived a pretty fantastic life. Then this MLC alien appears and in a matter of a few months, it all stopped. If she is having, had or does have a PA then splitting time with kids, losing my house, splitting assets, looking for a new place to live, buying furniture, spending money on lawyers and all that a D entails scares the hell out of me. I just watched my best friend go through this and it was and is a nightmare a year later. He is a year past D and is in terrible shape mentally and financially. One of his two kids is in therapy over it. So all of these things scare the heck out of me.
Hi K, sorry to see you here, we all know what you are going through because we all have been there, some are at the beginning of this horrible journey and some are further along. The advice you get here is priceless, life saving even. Hang on to the rope. I get what you are saying about fearing the PA because for you that would mean the marriage is over. I do feel the very same way with my H. I can pretty much take it all, all except that. All I can say is, in order to survive this, detach, detach, detach, love her with your mind and not your heart. Easier said than done but once you get there and you focus on yourself instead life gets easier. MLC is like a raging tornado. We can't do anything while it's doing it's thing but hunker down and ride it out. And when the storm clears we can start assessing the damage and rebuild. Hang in there...
The detachment is so hard to do. We sometimes have normal family time. Last night the kids had an event and we all hung out like a normal family. Everything seemed great. Even talked a little about the R (I know.....I know.....I know.......) I didn't bring it up and I ended the conversation. I sat there and listened to her tell me what a monster I've been for 26 years, that she hasn't traveled the world enough because of me and my career and a few other things. I sat and listened, told her understood why she felt the say she did. It gets me no where and I feel like I'm running in quicksand.
). Take up gardening, go to the gym, enrol in a kick boxing class or cooking class or art class. The world is full of stuff to do and we barely scratch the surface.