Newbie Here

[Keyser77]

Pattnee - its amazing how so many of these stories are so similar.

My W has been telling me things that she wants my kids to do - clean their rooms, do dishes, clean up, etc. They don't do it because I have "spoiled" them and do everything for them. The list of things she wants them to do, she hasn't told them to do. She wants me to do it. Any advice on how to respond in a proper DB'ing way?

[Pattnee5]

I think what happens when all this goes down is us LBS go into overdrive and start to try to over function to try and appease our MLC spouse. All that did for me is burn me out and make me bitter that H sat back and basically wiped his hands of all parenting responsibilities. I think we need to remember they too are parents and have responsibilities and sometimes we need to set those boundaries. I think she’s just trying to get you to be the bad guy
With the kids. If you want to instill those rules with your kids in your house then do it I say, but not because W told you but because you aren’t a darn workhorse and you don’t want to burn out. It’s hard when you still live together.It sounds like she just doesn’t want to be the bad guy because she already knows she’s got so many strikes against her name. I would make her take responsibility for telling the kids about lifting their game seeing as it’s her issue. I am not too sure how to say it in a DB way that validates her but also makes her step up too to her responsibilities. Hopefully one the experts on here would have a better phrase. I’m not too sure why she’s interfering with your system. If you choose to spoil them and it doesn’t bother you then that’s on you. I still do the same for my kids but days I am drowning in errands and chores and need help I just ask the kids to step up and they do with usually no questions asked

[Keyser77]

I am always so appreciate of the responses and amount of knowledge on here.

So here is another question, when a MLC'er has a an episode where they are appear "normal" or they act like things are fine, or they appear to want to reconcile and things to work out - how long do typically last before the alien reappears? We are way too early into the MLC for my W to have come out the other side. The other night she had what I call an "episode" where the alien appeared and lashed out towards me. I employed my best DB technique - maintain my composure, looked in the eye and validated everything she said even if I don't believe it. When she started cussing at me I told her that I would be happy to finish the conversation when she didn't direct those words at me. She stormed off to bed and about 30 minutes came back downstairs and talked to me like a person. It's been 2 days now of "normal" behavior and no alien episodes. She is talking about things as if we're going to be together. I am not bring up any R talks and just enjoying this ride. But how long does this last before the MLC alien will come back?

[Pattnee5]

You know what Keyser I was stuck in this loop with H for a good month I reckon. Normalness, followed by acting like his old self, then WHAM out of nowhere “trigger” spiral into hurtful words, sook, retreat.
( although no R talks on his behalf and no real saying he wanted to get back together yet other than “give me time and thanks for being patient “)

My H was triggered randomly, could be something I did or said, mostly was in conjunction with alcohol but not always, could even just be a bad day at his work put him in a mood and off he goes at his local punching bag ( me). Sometimes it was even something so silly as something I said while I made dinner and he had a bomb go off. I don’t think there is a specific timeframe but honestly for me I now know that H will not come out of it and these episodes won’t stop until he actually seeks professional help to get to the root of his problems and issues and triggers😞. Unless that happens I think it’s safe to say they will be very volatile

[Keyser77]

So a day or two of acting normal is something that is common and W saying she want things to work out in the middle of a MLC is pretty common? I know she isn't on the other side of yet and there has been a lot of damage caused by all of this. But I didn't know it was normal for a MLC to revert back to normal for a few days.

[DnJ]

Good Morning K

It is common for someone embroiled in an emotional crisis to wax and wane from state to state. At times there are abrupt emotional changes as they ping pong about, like from nice to angry to sad to nice in hours or even minutes. Sometimes these emotions are displayed, and sometimes not. The path of the MLCer is ever emotional, and is usually hidden away internally.

The larger overall emotional states are more on a day/week timeline. As you've seen, a few days of behaving mostly like their old self, then they erupt and get all angry again. Remember W's path is about her, not you.

A MLCer has unrealized trauma(s) and pains constantly bubbling away. After a blowup, that internal pressure is released, and they usually calm down for a while. However, their emotional turmoil is never silent, and their pressure is always slowly building. A few days, or sometimes hours, and again the MLCer personality (alien, monster, pod-person, and so on) is once again front and center.

As you can likely imagine such emotional flipping and flopping about would be rather confusing. One of the major hallmarks of MLC is confusion. These lost folks really do not know what is behind their wild feelings. And it is very common for the loving spouse to get blamed.

The MLCer runs from themselves. Runs from this confusion. Running behaviors, activities, to mute their ceaseless pressures.

Another, common path for an MLCer is for the alien, personality, pod-person, to take over. For these poor folks their MLCer alien is in control. The few peeks of the "normal" are very few and far between.

The path of the MLCer really depends upon the person, and their past. How they were raised, what they are running from, their coping mechanisms (which are immature at best), and so on. Lots of variables, all of which the LBS does not know.

This is one of the biggest items for the LBS. The crisis is ever present. Even during those "everything looks normal" days, it's still there. Lurking. Dragging them down. A huge portion of their journey is hidden away from us, the world, even themselves.

The LBS's needs to not paint a target upon themselves. Our MLCer spouse already has one painted upon us, and we don't want to bring more attention to it. Remain kind and cordial. And exercise good boundaries for disrespectful behaviors. Like you would for a rebellious teenager. The similarities between MLCer and adolescent is striking; for the MLCer is growing up from when they were emotionally stunted.

I employed my best DB technique - maintain my composure, looked in the eye and validated everything she said even if I don't believe it. When she started cussing at me I told her that I would be happy to finish the conversation when she didn't direct those words at me. She stormed off to bed and about 30 minutes came back downstairs and talked to me like a person.

Well done.

Remaining clam is always a good course of action. Your W does need to express her anger, so it ok to let her vent a bit, and to know where to draw that boundary line. Sounds like you employed very good boundaries. Yes, let her talk, until she directs cussing at you. By the way, her storming off is a good thing. She has a lot to get out of her system.

That's the basic path. The MLCer keeps burning through their rising anger. All the while baiting the LBS to react, so the MLCer can resupply their blame and further justify their actions.

The LBS divorce busts. We don't take the bait, we stay calm, we detach, we let go.

In time, the MLCer realizes that we, the LBS, hasn't been bothering them for quite a while and that they are still sad, angry, and upset. They consider that perhaps their spouse isn't the cause afterall. Now, some MLCers will run again, and some (with a good helping of fortune/fate) will look elsewhere for the cause of their troubles. They will look inward and start their journey of healing.

Keep moving forward K. You're doing great.

D

[Ready2Change]

The other night she had what I call an "episode" where the alien appeared and lashed out towards me. I employed my best DB technique - maintain my composure, looked in the eye and validated everything she said even if I don't believe it.

From dictionary.com:
validation-The act of confirming something as true or correct.

From my research, one should be validating the emotions of the other person, not everything they say-"Sounds like you were angry" or "I can see that you are angry" or "I can imaging you were angry". You can also express your emotions in words - "That makes me sad".

google images of "feeling wheel"

I am the safe one that my lady (and my kids when they were still dependents) can express her "scary" emotions to. Definitely takes some practice.

When she started cussing at me I told her that I would be happy to finish the conversation when she didn't direct those words at me. She stormed off to bed and about 30 minutes came back downstairs and talked to me like a person.

Perfect response. Looks like you got the desired behavior. Good job.

Lets say she was screaming this: "You were (are) the worst spouse ever". If you focus on her emotional state, you do not have to validate (or argue) the statement. Lots of choices so you don't sound like a broken record:

"It must be hard to feel that way"
"I understand you feel that way"
"That must make you angry"
"I can see how being married to me can be difficult"
etc.

[Pattnee5]

So a day or two of acting normal is something that is common and W saying she want things to work out in the middle of a MLC is pretty common? I know she isn't on the other side of yet and there has been a lot of damage caused by all of this. But I didn't know it was normal for a MLC to revert back to normal for a few days.

This is very typical, or at least in my H case. Sometimes it would be days sometimes a few weeks. It’s so hard to know when they snap between the two. There’s always triggers which we don’t know about. Work, a fleeting thought, a reminder, a comment or action.
I think it takes alot of work for them to pass through their crisis. A lot of therapy a lot of bridge building. Have you read AmyC’s story buried in these forums? As a female she gives her account of her MLC and wow is that scary ( I hope I avoid that myself). I can’t find a male equivalent account but there’s enough other people’s experiences in here that has taught me alot.

You may keep hearing people say to let go of the rope. The sooner you do that it will feel like a weight will lift. I would hang on every action and word of H and have these seesaw moments where I would get sucked in thinking we are making progress only to then get dragged down. After months I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I was sick of crying I would struggle to eat, I felt like I was not the best version for my kids or me. Gosh I was worried I would have a crisis.I don’t know whether it was one specific moment for me but more a few different things but I woke up and dropped the rope. Kind provided me some stern words that helped a lot too 😂 and his roller coaster/Disneyland analogy helped. I was done being dragged down by H moods and issues. It’s been a long 8 months since BD and 4 months since he moved out and I was exhausted. I started to see things more clearly, started to see how much work H actually needs to do on himself and by himself.
I’ve stopped worrying or caring about his moods and his false hope. I now focus on me and only me and the kids.
It’s the hardest thing to do but start to drop the rope. It will save you a lot of sanity and heartache and wasted energy

[Keyser77]

I'm not going to lie - it was a little encouraging how she has been acting for the past couple of days. I'm not saying its been all arms around me shouting I love you from the roof top. Its just a little less of the coldness. She even kissed me before she left today which she hasn't done in weeks. She still blames me everything, she still thinks this is all my fault, she still things I have been a terrible husband for 20 years, etc. None of that has went away. But it was looking like a corner was turned. I will continue to GAL and detach. Honestly, I was doing a very good job of it so I was thinking the DBing was working. It obviously had an effect but I'm sure I didn't bust the divorce in such a short amount of time.

[Pattnee5]

Sorry to hear that Keys
I was in the same boat for months. The hugs the kisses the acting normal but leaving at the end of the night to go to his place, the watching movies the walks. It’s all a scam, they haven’t changed they are still in amongst their mess. Then out of nowhere they trigger and throw a “ nothings changed about how I feel, I still am done, you are smothering me”
Yep H even said I was smothering him which is why he was acting that way ( even though I wasn’t and he was instigating stuff)
Honestly try and not focus on it, try and let that rope go, otherwise they will absolutely pull on your heartstrings constantly and you will become someone you aren’t.
Stay strong keep swimming and don’t let them bring you down