Newbie Here

[Keyser77]

My W has been better since Saturday night then she had been in weeks. I am just waiting for the alien to appear. Things aren't great but better. The new thing she is telling me is that she can't open up the door to her heart because I've hurt her so many times in the past. In someway there is some truth to that. I still think that if she had another/better option, she would probably have left by now. I don't know why she is sticking around when she isn't in love with me anymore. She has too many of the MLC signs to not be in a MLC but maybe she is a walk away wife?? I don't know. I'm still detaching and taking it minute by minute, second by second.

[Kind18]

Don’t try and rationalise and understand things which don’t make sense. You can’t!

If I told you the sky is green, would you sit around pondering it?

Just live your life! Be fun, aloof, unaffected, fun and masculine.

You can’t undo things which caused her to lose attraction - but you can do things which are attractive!

[Ready2Change]

Just live your life! Be fun, aloof, unaffected, fun and masculine.

You can’t undo things which caused her to lose attraction - but you can do things which are attractive!

We all can keep improving one step at a time. Keep adding traits that bring you closer to your ideal you. Keep dropping traits that you do not want to exhibit. A few little shifts each day make a big difference over time.




Do not be boring.

[Keyser77]

Its been typical of what everyone described. Sunday night we slept in the same bad, she grabbed my hand in the middle of the night. Since then, things have cooled a bit. Not being mean or angry towards me but more distant. Not really talking unless its about kids. She is doing her thing, I'm doing my thing. She had a work function tonight so me and the kids went out to dinner and rode some rides on the boardwalk. Tomorrow afternoon she taking the kids and two of their friends to the water park. I didnt know they were going until later and she said she didn't ask me to go because she thought I had to work. I am self employed and dont have to work. So then she text me as ask me if I'm going tomorrow. She didn't ask if I WANTED to go. I just told her I would pass and left it at that. One small step forward and three steps backwards. Sometimes I wonder if its an MLC but then I read all of the signs of a MLC and she hits almost all of the points.

[Pattnee5]

Yep sounds pretty stock standard. The one step forward three back. Happens all the time ( that we let it happen at least). Now since dropping the rope it may not be steps forward but at least it’s not steps back either. I think that’s why we are told to drop the rope. So we don’t get dragged in and out of their tunnel every time they see saw.
Keys what’s you’re saying is all so common and normal. Even the questioning of if it’s a MLC. I used to do that too. Now not so much. Sometimes I do. Sometimes H says things and I actually believe it and think “ wow maybe it wasn’t a mlc maybe it is just me” then I quickly snap out and remember that I’m not to blame. All the blame they shift is because they don’t want to admit to themselves they have issues. To admit that means you need to step up and deal with it. To shift blame means you can run away.
It really is a roller coaster unfortunately and we just can’t see the track ahead

[Keyser77]

I haven't been the perfect H but one thing I've always been clear on is that this is not my fault and I am no the the monster my W paints me out to be. I am doing my best to not take things personally, don't believe everything she says but as with all things DB'ing, its not easy.

My W was always addicted to her phone and constantly staring at it. Watching instagram videos or whatever else. But my kids told me yesterday that she sat in bed most of the day and didn't do much else. She did some laundry but otherwise laid in bed for the majority of the day. That seemed a little odd.

We have tickets to a concert this weekend that we bought months - long before BD. We are going with another couple so I'm interested to see how this goes. I heard her making plans for our kids to be dropped off with a family member so it seems like we're still going together. I'm actually looking forward to it and maybe she'll be normal again for another night.

[Pattnee5]

That’s good Keys, it’s def not just your fault. A marriage is a 50/50 partnership and we certainly have made our fair share of errors too, however we are in a clearer mindset to understand this and do the work in ourselves to be better. The MLC spouse isn’t mature enough to see or understand that. They just want to shift blame to us because it’s easier than them having to look within and work on themselves. I don’t think they physically have the mental maturity to even see or understand it anyway. My H is literally turned into a 17 year old. In sweats all day, video games whenever he can, drinks… still somehow works and ticks off duties with the kids but that’s it.
I know there’s underlying depression there ( masked by all the drinking that’s increasing ).
I would say your W may have some too. When women are sad or down that’s all we want to do is sit in bed all day and basically curl into a ball and distract ourselves with tv or on her phone in her case.

You know through all this heartache all this anguish I have experienced for months ( and we all know how horrible those first few weeks after Bd are) as sad and down and empty of tears I was, I didn’t spend a single day curled up in bed. And that to me is something that I’m proud of. I don’t know how I did it, how I willed the energy and courage to get up every day and face my responsibilities (I think the kids were a huge factor and reason) but I didn’t become someone who collapsed in the face of adversity. And I would say, I imagine you are much the same. So while our MLC spouses may fall into their own holes they have dug, remember we stood tall and strong and every day we are getting stronger and better( all the while they are not)
So keep DB’ing as hard as it may seem. It’s working-not just for your W but for you. You do it for you

[Ready2Change]

We have tickets to a concert this weekend that we bought months - long before BD. We are going with another couple so I'm interested to see how this goes. I heard her making plans for our kids to be dropped off with a family member so it seems like we're still going together. I'm actually looking forward to it and maybe she'll be normal again for another night.

My 2 cents:

Keep up the DBing. No R talk.

If these are 180:
Behave more masculine. Be supper confident. Dress for the occasion in clothes that she has not seen you in. New cologne as well. Lead. Do not fear interacting with other ladies while in her presence.

IF you normally go home after the show, do some research now and see if you can find something else YOU would like to do afterwards. Talk to the other guy about it before hand and you both tell the ladies you two have a surprise for them after the show.

Do not be supplicating. Do not be predictable. Do not be boring. Have a great time.

[Keyser77]

I wasn't sure if I should share this or not but I'm so confused and taken back by it, I feel like I need some opinions. I somewhat told part of the story so here goes........

The other night W brings up something to almost entice me into an argument. I don't take the bait and employ my DBing practices. She storms off to bed, comes back downstairs to continue the argument. I DB the entire time. This goes on for about 5-10 minutes. She tells me to contact a lawyer because she can't do this anymore and she is done. I tell her I am standing for the marriage and if she wants a divorce, then she needs to proceed because I'm standing for this marriage. She storms off to bed and about 30-45 minutes later I get a text (I'm downstairs laying on the couch) asking me to bring her something. I figure its a test of some sort. I mean 30 minutes earlier she is saying she wants a divorce. I drop off what she ask on the table without saying a word and starting heading out of the room. She ask me where I'm going and I tell her downstairs. She ask if I want to lay in bed and watch TV with her. I am taken back by it but accept the invitation. About 5 minutes later she initiates sex. My W is super attractive and I am attracted to her so I don't turn it down. I sleep in bed that night and have ever since. The next day is a somewhat normal day but then the following day and every day since then (5 days later), she is back to be distant and doing her thing. I am following suit by keeping my distance and living my life. I guess there is progress there and I'm not trying to read too much into it. I know the MLC mind is all over the place but does this seem like normal MLC behavior? She even held my hand at one point in the middle of the night that night. She hasn't done that in a very long time. Two days later, the alien hasn't appeared but we not really talking either. I am so confused.

[Ready2Change]

I don't take the bait and employ my DBing practices.... ....without saying a word and starting heading out of the room.

These are attractive behaviors. Keep adding to your attractive behaviors. Keep drop ones that are not attractive.

I tell her I am standing for the marriage and if she wants a divorce, then she needs to proceed because I'm standing for this marriage

Only say (important) things once. I f she questions you on this again, look her in the eyes, hold contact, tilt you head, and in your mind, say this really slowly "I have already told you I am standing for our marriage" wait for her to break eye contact first.

She storms off to bed

Glad you didn't follow...She is attempting to manipulate you.

About 5 minutes later she initiates sex. My W is super attractive and I am attracted to her so I don't turn it down.

Put this in your good memory vault. Do not initiate sex, let her do the pursuing. Between encounters, do your research and learn some new bedroom behaviors. You want her pleasantly surprised each time.

I guess there is progress there and I'm not trying to read too much into it.

Baby steps. Focus more on how you are behaving during the interactions and not asmuch on her behavior. Enjoy every interaction no matter what emotional state she is in. BE the safe one for her to express her emotions while you are the emotional rock.

She even held my hand at one point in the middle of the night that night. She hasn't done that in a very long time.

always be the first to break contact. Making and breaking contact, increasing the sexual tension, are good skills to have.

I am so confused.

YUP. normal.


It has been awhile since I read the art of seduction, but I believe it has great information on ways to behave when interacting with WAS.

Have a great, amazing weekend (no matter how W is feeling).