Merry Christmas to all who come here. The holidays are difficult when your spouse/partner is MIA and you have to deal with family, friends and co-workers who are jolly and wanting to celebrate and don't have a clue what you are experiencing.
When I came here 24 years ago, my xh had left 12 days before Christmas and I can assure you that there was absolutely no Christmas music being played in my parents' home and it was a very depressing time. The one thing that I will always remember my parents told me. They said "cry when you need to cry, if you need alone time, take it and most of all, you do not need to be happy all of the time". They also told me that time would heal the wounds, but I would have battle scars from dealing w/my xh's demons. That is so true. In time, the pain goes away, but you always remember how your journey began when they walked away.
So, if you need to cry, have some me time or want to avoid all of those happy people for a while...do it. Until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will never understand how you feel.
Merry Christmas to all and 2024 is right around the corner. I pray that all of you can find the strength within to help you travel the path that you are on and know that one day....you will be fine once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There are a few helpful commands available for formatting your posts. These commands or “tags” are within square brackets and have two parts - [tag] and [/tag].
The first, [tag], signifies the starts of the command, and the [/tag] signifies ends the command. The text in between is what is affected by the command.
Below is a list of commands with the output following the command syntax.
TEXT FORMATTING
The following illustrates how to create bold, italic, underline, strikethrough, and color.
[b]This text is bold.[/b]
This text is bold.
[i]This text is italic.[/i]
This text is italic.
[u]This text is underline.[/u]
This text is underline.
[s]This text is strikethrough.[/s]
This text is strikethrough.
[color=red]Red text.[/color] Red text.
[color=green]Green text.[/color] Green text.
[color=blue]Blue text.[/color] Blue text.
[color=#842476]Hexadecimal referenced color text.[/color] Hexadecimal referenced color text.
(The color reference is a hexadecimal of RGB levels. 00 to FF, 256 levels of color. First two red, next two green, last two blue. 16,777,216 different colors/shades available.)
QUOTING
Quoting provides a means of highlighting selected text and optionally including the author of the quote. It is useful for drawing attention to a specific part of a post, and/or clarifying/tying your response to that specific part.
[quote]Selected text.[/quote]
Quote
Selected text.
[quote=User]Selected text.[/quote]
Originally Posted by User
Selected text.
LINKING
It is useful to provide a link to your next thread and to your previous thread(s) for folks following along. You can simply paste in the copied url from the address bar or you can use the URL command in which you can provide a title instead of the web address.
Note: Linking is only for within the DB forum and outside links are not permitted. (Forum Rules)
[url=Address]Link Title[/url]
(The following examples both link to the For Newcomers forum. The first with no title, the second with a link title.)
Commands can be combined. For example bold and red text. Quotes can be nested; a quote within a quote. Realize a command is active until the [/tag] portion of it. It is helpful and less error prone to insert line breaks in nested quotes and commands (though not strictly necessary); it just helps with matching [tag] and [/tag]. Also previewing before posting is a good idea.
A few examples to illustrate:
[u][color=blue]Underline and blue.[/color][/u]
Underline and blue.
[b][color=blue]Bold [/color][color=red]text [/color][color=#987654]with[/color] [color=#87ab45]various [/color]colors of the [color=#ff0000]R[/color][color=#ff7f00]A[/color][color=#ffff00]I[/color][color=#00ff00]N[/color][color=#0000ff]B[/color][color=#4b0082]O[/color][color=#9400d3]W.[/color][/b]
Bold text withvarious colors of the RAINBOW.
[quote=DnJ][color=red][b]Feelings are fleeting.[/b][/color] [quote=DnJ][color=#ffcc00][i]Be better, not bitter.[/i][/color] [quote=DnJ][color=#00ffff]Love the person, forgive the sin.[/color][/quote][/quote][/quote]
Originally Posted by DnJ
Feelings are fleeting.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Be better, not bitter.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/06/2401:23 PM. Reason: Added link to Forum Rules
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Nine days ago my cousin took his own life. And like is the usual no one suspected he was hurting so. Suicide is truly a silent killer.
His wife found him in the garage. She, understandably, was right out of her mind for several days. He leaves behind his Mom and brother; both are equally shocked.
Christmas was good. New years was good. Heck, even the day previous he renewed a subscription for three years as it was a better deal, than one year.
I am grieving. It’s interesting to see myself getting mad at him for leaving. And to imagine other reasons or explanations for the scene in the garage. I find the bargaining stage out of all of them, the most positively influenced by reason. Anger and depression are more a slog. Still can be influenced, just more feelings to acknowledge and work through.
The required process of autopsy and authenticating the cause of death, is prolonged due to this province’s deplorable health care state. We were told, my cousin is at least three weeks until the corner can look at him. So three weeks with no answers, no announcement in the paper, no funeral, etc. Bit of a limbo for the immediate family members.
My cousin left no will, and the house was only in his name. This is causing his widow a lot of extra stress. The courts are going to have to get involved in ownership transfer which is much more prolonged than the health system.
Poor gal.
This new came to me a week ago Saturday morning. I was at my son and DIL’s place helping them with a frozen septic stack. It was bitterly cold, somewhere around -30C, and the main roof stack/vent of the septic system froze in the snow storm a couple of days prior.
We climbed on to the roof and poured RV antifreeze - the stuff for the RB water piping for winter storage, it’s good to -50C - down the stack. The blockage was easily seen down the pipe, being just below the roof. A few minutes, and a bit of poking at the ice, and the antifreeze did its job. The snow and ice turned to slush and fell in, returning the stack to fresh breathing.
It’s the occlusion of the stack that is so problematic. It causes a vacuum on the system. Toilets don’t flush correctly, and sinks don’t drain well. You can hear gurgling and such coming from sinks as the flushing water causes a vacuum which draws and drains sink traps in its need for air. These now dry traps allow septic gases to seep into the house through the sinks. Septic gases are dangerous and don’t smell good at all. Such was the case for son and DIL.
Anyhow, with the system breathing again. Son and I scampered into the attic to investigate the stack piping. We found the stack was not straight up from the house. For some reason, and there really is no reason, the builder/plumber jogged the stack over about three feet and then went through the roof. There is nothing in the way preventing just going straight up, so it is a little bewildering as to why.
There is also a resizing coupler to go to a bigger stack pipe through the roof. This is a wise thing for our climate, as a bigger pipe diameter means it’s more difficult to block it with snow and ice. However, the two 45 degree connectors to make the jog were small sized, and the resizing couple came right after the topmost 45. Producing a nice congested spot for moisture and such to congregate.
Which brings us to insulation. The pipes were insulated, except the resizing coupling. WTF. An uninsulated pipe section. In this climate. So the worse spot along the run, and it’s not insulated.
So we got some insulation and I handed supplies to son in his cramped location, as he wrapped and tied a coupe of layers of insulation around the stack. I let him crawl into through the attic and the itchy insulation. With the stack all wrapped up, it should be ok now.
While visiting son and DIL, they told me about a visit from Mom/XW a week before. They had questions as well, and the news of cousin’s suicide brought some emotional stirring.
(As told to me by son and DIL)
A week into the new year and XW has been pestering them to come and see their new house. It sounded like Mom wanted to come and see the place and have a visit. Talk about their lives, work, and such. Alas, no.
XW and OM drove the three hours to their house. OM decided not to come inside and dropped off XW. He then went off somewhere until XW called for him to pick her up.
Her visit lasted two hours. The first few minutes was showing her around the house. As my kids said, a very quick tour. Mom didn’t actually seem all that interested. (If you recall, she had a disinterested minutes long visit to my other son’s place as well.) The kids’ have a big brand new house, and it takes a good while to just walk around from room to room. With a bit of observing here and there it would stretch out the tour to 15-30 minutes.
An interesting note from DIL. In the kitchen, DIL had the slow cooker going, she was brewing a seasonal cider drink. Lots of delicious smells of spices and such. XW asked what was in the cooker. DIL, told her. Showed her. XW quickly and superficially made some agreeing comments.
Now the kitchen is in the 20 foot main open concept areas, along with fireplace, sitting area, dining room, and floor to 12 foot ceiling windows. Every time they passed by, XW asked what was in the slow cooker. Four times! She was not paying attention to anything the kids said. A fact that quickly became apparent.
Mom/XW came with an agenda. She was not there for a nice visit and to see how their lives are going. And she certainly was not there to share anything about her life.
She asked to sit down and talk. And then tore into them for two hours.
XW told them, she sees that those two are always the first to leave from visits with her. They don’t like OM. And they have to get over it. XW’s words were fast and without pause. There was no back and forth, no pauses for replies or reflection.
She was there to attack them. And she did!
XW brought DIL to tears. DIL told me that XW sat there, stone faced, not showing any care or concern for her or son’s feelings. Everything was about her, about XW.
She told them to treat OM better. Even saying “you can hate me, but OM is a nice guy and has done nothing wrong”.
Son and DIL did stand up for themselves as well. Both telling her, that they do not approve of her choices or morals. And do not like being around such. Grandkids were brought up, and they told her plainly that they both are not bringing their kids to visit her or OM. Her life style is that abhorrent to them. Neither would want what XW did to me, done to them. They choose who they invest their time with.
XW kept at it. Confusing reasoning. Wildly misremembering events. She even brought me into her blasting.
XW told them, that they, the kids, all protected and stood by Dad (me). And they should have protected her!!!
What?!?
Son and DIL, we’re like WTF? You left! You did this! You caused it! Protect you? What the…
XW basically told them, what she did she did out of true love and therefore it’s ok.
Anyhow, eventually XW called OM and she left.
Son and DIL talked for the week and are sure of their stance on things. They live and love their life. Have good values. And are likely, actually planning, not to see Mom/XW for quite some time.
XW’s attempts to manipulate them was so obvious. I found out XW was (and is) working the siblings against one another. Driving wedges in between them. This really has DIL upset. XW lashed out at DIL, telling her she should be more like other son’s GF.
Anyhow, the kids and I had a conversation. I let them talk and share their feelings and reasoning. I reinforced that they had rights and I, XW, and others only have privileges regarding them. They have rights to their privacy. I or XW have privileges extended from them to visit and be part of their lives.
XW’s privileges are being curtailed. Which we discussed is part of healthy boundaries. Disrespectful behaviour should not tolerated. You cannot control the other person. However, you can certainly control yourself and your action/reaction to such. Removing oneself and/or limiting contact is a reasonable course. (Sheesh. Such attacking, and in their house too. What a crock!)
We talked about soulmates vs respect. And which better fosters a long lasting healthy relationship/marriage. They both see Mom acting like a teenage girl.
Son said it’s so gagging to see Mom/XW. She thinks she is so good. The manner in which she dispenses life and relationship advice. He just shook his head. She not employed. Does not own or rent her house or accommodations. She just lives with OM. In fact, if OM were drop dead, she’d be in big trouble. She’s there by the charity of him. So, real good role model for life. Not!
Forgiveness and accountability was also discussed. They can let go, forgive XW; while holding her accountable for her actions. Forgiving someone for being a jerk, doesn’t mean they aren’t a jerk. Just that you aren’t held down by it.
Anyhow, nothing we’ve not seen or discussed before. Except the current suicide stuff. What if XW killed herself? I told them, you cannot control XW/Mom. You should not live your lives like hostages or some such. Find good strong values, which you both have, and live them. Let the chips fall where they will. People in your lives will be there because they, and you, want them to be.
It was sure one heck of a weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Wow! What an update! I am so sorry to hear about your cousin. Suicide is such a difficult thing to accept for those left affected by it. Before BD, I could never understand why someone would do such a thing. The world is such a big place, what could be so bad to want to just end it all? Then after BD, I finally understood it. Not to say that I felt suicidal, but I finally understood why someone might see that as a viable option. My heart goes out to you and your family.
That update about xW is pretty bizarre as well. After all these years it doesn't sound like she has progressed 1 inch. I can't help but feel a little bad for her. I mean it is terrible how she treats your family, but you guys are doing so well and have the stability of each other. Your interactions with her are wild and are awkward, but she has to live in that reality she has created for herself. She must actually believe the crazy viewpoint she thrusts on you guys. The inner chaos she must experience to accept all that as reality must be...exhausting and lonely. It's so good that you guys are able to keep her at arms length to minimize the damage she would no doubt do if she played a larger role in your lives. It's too bad the kids don't have a stable mother figure in their lives, but man they sound like they are acing life right now. It's so inspiring to hear about.
My condolences to you and your family on the loss of your cousin. It is never easy. It's going to take some time to sort through the funeral and yes, the legal system. As you know, my family and I are going through the legal issues right now and I am more than happy to share what we learn along the way. The deed to his place will take some time. She will most likely need to produce the marriage license as proof that she is his widow along the way. I think settling up estates is harder on families because you do not have the proper amount of time to grieve properly before you have to deal with the legal issues. Again, I will be happy to share what I discover along my path with you.
Now about the xw. She is a very angry woman who cannot understand why she is in the mess she's in. She cannot understand why her children do not want to be around the OM and her life style. She is just an angry woman and she's stuck. She is absolutely stuck. She is right where she was several years ago. I wouldn't blame your children if they chose not to be around her. Her mission in life is to make the family as miserable as she is. Unfortunately for her, your children are all now grown and can make decisions for themselves. She missed out on so many important events that can never be recreated.
I am glad you are there to listen and provide a shoulder to lean on for your children. Lord knows she isn't capable of being there for them.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your family during this time of mourning.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My cousin’s wife is having a very difficult time. She’s not even stepped foot in the house since that day.
Yes, XW is a lost soul. Like you say, she’s living in her self created reality. It’s pretty incredible seeing glimpses of her inner chaos. She’s just driven to her destructive path. Her and OM against the world, seems to be one of her few reprieves.
You might find it odd, I’m glad she has him in her life. After all the betrayal, tossing kids away, lying, cheating, and such; if she cannot, and I mean cannot, find her way back, I hope she finds her happiness with OM.
My last few days have been pretty amazing. (I’m amazed I can walk down the stairs in the morning. lol.)
My walk behind snowblower caught a rut while I was walking it to the shed. Of course I was travelling at full hydrostatic drive speed. The tracks have little slippage which threw the 250 pound machine. The handles, in an instant, moved about half a foot to the left. I was mid-stride with my weight on my right leg next to the handle. Got my leg clobbered really good!
I’ve also been cleaning my ceramic floor in the mudroom, laundry room, and bathroom. I laid that floor almost two decades ago and it’s seen lots of use. The on my hands and knees cleaning has taken about a week, and the floor looks like new. (My bruised leg sure didn’t like all that getting up and down. Haha)
Hope you’re having an amazing day as well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You are spot on with XW. She is so stuck! 6 1/2 years and she is still that brash rebellious teenager that tore everything down around herself. Well, maybe a little less brash. Maybe.
The journey of a MLCer is slow! Glacially slow.
The kids and I are doing well. Their second cousin’s action and decision is being talked about. More details have been relayed from the immediate family and I’m keep all of my brood informed and in the loop.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
With the stack all wrapped up, it should be ok now.