Thanks, Sunflyer and Thornton. Talking with the attorneys triggered some frustration so your replies were genuinely helpful in re-balancing myself. Yes, I'm hearing lots of "I can't"s for sure and it is tough because I was raised in a family of "can do"s, including some tough, strong females.
DnJ, I appreciate how generous you are with your feedback and "fodder". The discussion about cooperating vs. collaborating will also be helpful in keeping the difference straight. You hit the nail in the head in terms of where I was struggling with whether or not it would be a 180. Collaborating would be the 180 but "promoting" or "expediting" is not where I'm at, at least at this point. I do quite a bit of negotiation in my professional role so that the bargaining guidance resonates with me as well.
I think a two-hour workout tonight in the basement will help me further work out some kinks. Thanks, all - you truly helped me once again.
Talked with a close friend whose W has similar issues with social anxiety. He recommended against proactively sharing a property division workbook because he didn't see a clear way it would help me. Talking with two attorneys today to make sure that, while I'm DBing, I'm also getting some balanced perspective to protect myself and my daughter if things continue towards D. So many thoughts running through my head: why is W so unwilling to work things out? I hear her saying she's "not cut out for relationships" and see how much she works to avoid conversations about sensitive topics or conflict. My brain says to keep DBing. My heart just wants to say "Let's fix this!" but I know it would lead me down a currently cheeseless tunnel. I hate these ups and downs.
It sounds like you still have a grip on the rope. Drop that rope. And I know it's not easy to do. This is my second time around on DB. Rope drop took me months and months the first time. This time almost immediately. It's ok that you haven't done it yet. I still am tempted sometimes. A good tip I got this time for a couple of different people (here and IC) is to make note of when negative thoughts come up (in this case, "I want to work on things!" I would consider a negative thought as it holds you back and doesn't help your situation). Did any events or interactions lead to the thoughts? Can those be avoided somehow in the future? What did you do to work your way out of those negative thoughts and emotions? Workouts, breathing exercise, meet up with friends, whatever it is. I have literally written things down when it's happened.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hi Card - Yep. Hopefully more like lightly hanging on to the rope and knowing I've got to let go or let it slip through my fingers. Talking with attorneys was the event/interaction. But, I got it done and just need to pick now. I appreciate the suggestions for how to regain my footing. Actually, the responses to my earlier posts were effective at reinforcing what I need to keep doing. Breathing exercises have been helpful with just getting out of bed some mornings. I've got a few outings with friends planned over the next month and those I'm really looking forward to. How great to have this community of people with similar challenges in common offering support and encouragement. Best - Mr. P
If you're not familiar with me, this is my 2nd time doing through DB. A 2nd D, unfortunately. Some circumstances similar (young child with the W), and others very different (current W has MS that is progressing and I believe she's having a crisis with it). I can attest that you are in the right place. The first D I thought was going to kill me. I never saw it happening, it disrupted everything I believed about marriage/D, and it blew up the future I envisioned. Thank goodness for this place. It took me months, but I lived out the phrase you see around here sometimes: You'll look back on this time as your finest hour. I look back on 2014 with fondness even knowing the pain I was in for months.
And one other note: DB eventually worked. I detached, I changed, I took off as a person and was just loving life. xW's R with OM fell apart and eventually she tried to get back with me. At that point, it was my decision, and I decided not to pursue a future with her. I don't regret it, either, even though I'm going through this again. And if she'd never tried, I would have been fine with that, too. Full detachment after getting left by your spouse is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Mine was like the flick of a light switch, all at once. I knew in an instance I was over her and the future was wide open. One of the best moments of my life, even with what I know now (that I was going to go through it again).
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Good morning Card - I will go back and read more of your story. While your W has a primarily physical illness issue, mine is struggling with mental health, so I'd say we've got even more in common. Similarly, this is my 2nd time practicing DBing with W. Pre-pandemic, similar issues arose (seemed like the start of MLC perhaps) + menopause now too. Crisis is such an accurate word.
4-5 years ago, DBing worked and we pieced things together thanks to the pandemic. With W's mental health issues going untreated (not willing to put in the work, up her meds, etc) + MLC + menopause, it isn't surprising that the topic of D resurfaces. Having survived the first time (even though we R'd) I feel some of the strength you describe and am inspired by what you've shared. I know I'll be fine. My parents are divorced and I never wanted my daughter to experience that. As MWD says, kids will generally always wish their parents were back together, don't always end up better off as the divorcing spouse hopes, and are one of several good reasons to work to stay happy/together. W won't think of things this way so I avoid even trying.
I know I've got to work on me, GAL, and give her time + space. I do feel like I am doing pretty good overall at DBing. These posts and discussions benefit me a ton and I'm grateful for every one of them and you. Have a great day.
Good morning DB Community. I hope you all have a great day.
Today's question: My sister-in-laws bday is Saturday. W invited me to the party. When I responded that I need to think about it, she responded "You're still my husband". Seems like wanting the best of both worlds. I'd like to D but still want you present for events like this until then. I *think* I should not go as part of detaching and working towards going dark. What do you think? Thanks in advance.
Great question, Thornton. I love my in-laws very much and have an excellent relationship with them. Maintaining a positive relationship with them feels best for me and my daughter.
I know that my attending this event itself won't create false hope for me that she'll change her mind. In fact, it may create more tension for W because of the positive interactions that typically occur when I'm with W's family. I'm not sure that tension is good for "me" in terms of the goal of things like the last resort technique, etc., to help the person see what they're losing/missing.
This is the paradox of the DB process: on one hand, you're trying to DB to save a marriage while simultaneously preparing yourself to successfully navigate a D. I need to think more about what is best for me here overall.
This is the paradox of the DB process: on one hand, you're trying to DB to save a marriage while simultaneously preparing yourself to successfully navigate a D. I need to think more about what is best for me here overall.
I don't see it as a paradox. Preparing yourself to successfully navigate a D, especially in the case of a WAS, *is* the best way to try to save your M. Detaching, GAL, appearing to be happy to move on (by actually getting to the point of being happy to move on) is DB, and it's also the best way to navigate a D. The opposite is pursuing, begging, pleading and hanging onto the rope. It might feel like a paradox sometimes because our instincts tell us to pursue.
I DB'd my first D, and eventually it did actually work. xW asked to try again with me a year after our D, but at that point I made the decision to move on. While I chose to remain D'd, DB worked.
Just my 2 cents
Last edited by Card29; 10/19/2303:41 PM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thanks, Card. I get it. To me, so much of the focus in MWD's DB and DR books (and her two day intensives) is about saving your marriage, why you should, and working at staying happy for the kids that I interpret saving the marriage to be the main goal. The way the process also prepares you to let go of the rope, re-focus on yourself, and "bust" your D in an additional way seems like secondary, positive outcomes. So, at least a seeming paradox in terms of practical outcomes. You're right that the real end goal isn't paradoxical at all; we get our sense of self back, confidence, and a new set of skills to better navigate relationships and life. With appreciation, Mr. P
