It's been years since I've posted, and today I decided to check just to see who was still here.
First, so sorry to hear of your situation. I know all too well how painful it is. I remember telling friends I'd rather be hit by a car than experience the mental anguish I felt.
I'm going to be brutally honest with you, so prepare yourself. It's highly likely she's having an affair. I was on these boards for years and it got to be very predictable after a while.
The good news, is that I've seen many LBS win their WAS back after an affair, and have a better relationship than before the BD happened.
I was able to get my WAS back using Michelle's principals although that relationship eventually ended a few years later. The advice you are getting is sound - time and space.
You want to get to the point that your W feels as if she is going to lose YOU. How do you do that? You remove your focus from her and invest all your energy in yourself. Become interesting, not for her, but for you. Take salsa dancing lessons. Go skydiving. Join the gym and build your body. Take cooking lessons. For me, it was mountain biking, which I still do to this day.
Prepare yourself for a long hard road. It's going to suck for a while. BUT, once you make it through this, you will feel more empowered than you ever have before. And it's possible you won't even want your W anymore after seeing all that life has to offer. Hell, I've seen WAS's start to chase and beg the LBS after the WAS let them go. In fact, that's what happened in my situation.
Thanks again for all the encouraging words, everybody! I keep checking back her for new replies - each new one gives me a dopamine hit I guess :-) I'm gaining lots of wisdom for sure.
I was hoping the DR book would be an eBook instead of physical since it's going to be hard to read discretely. But if this is what I need to get, then I must.
My wife is definitely keeping me "on a string" here. She's been extra-sweet to me today which makes it tough.
Welcome! I just joined myself a few days ago because of my own "crisis". I feel I've been self-centered so far on this forum and only focused on my own pain so I figured it's time to start engaging with others' situations. Since I am just learning at this point, I'll just say I believe we have found a great community here; "partners in pain" so to speak :-) Hang in there!
Helping others helps me. Detaches my emotions from the logic. Then when I encounter in my life, I have already thought about the best ways to respond.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If my wife asks me why I moved my work location to my "man cave" and am spending my time back there, how should I answer this?
In addition to the obvious (to us here) of being less available, some honest reasons would be:
1) getting used to my new life as a single person
2) working without distraction (since she usually has the TV on in the living room making it harder to concentrate)
She's already established (around the BD) that her time and location should no longer be my concern. Case in point is when she stopped sharing her phone GPS location with me and insisted that I shouldn't have a way to track her.
I know I have the same right to withdraw and do what I want but am not sure how to express it correctly without it sounding like a "tit for tat" situation.
I don't know why I was concerned; she saw me busily running around and asked what I was doing so I said, "cleaning the back office to make it more amenable to work there". She said, "I can dig it." So she understands.
I'm still working with only what I've learned here on these forums (no book yet) but have been trying to be as calm and detached as possible yet kind in my demeanor. I have no interest in arguing, asking questions, making any threats, etc.
Right after the BD we were talking about how we loved each other and she did mention, "I know you will do anything to get me back".
Lest she think I'm going to sit around pouting and waiting, she will soon see I'm seriously taking steps to live the next phase of my life with or without her along.
Since we have adult kids we've always visited together, that dynamic will change of course, especially if either of us have new partners. I doubt she's thought about this, for what it's worth.
Of course I realize at some point she may wake up and decide "what was I thinking" so if it comes to that we'll talk. I need to research this phase in case it happens.
Sometimes I wonder what her family is going to say when they find out; they've always been big fans of how I've treated her as a husband and how I've fathered our kids.
I don't know why I was concerned; she saw me busily running around and asked what I was doing so I said, "cleaning the back office to make it more amenable to work there". She said, "I can dig it." So she understands.
Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself here.
Originally Posted by buck1
I'm still working with only what I've learned here on these forums (no book yet) but have been trying to be as calm and detached as possible yet kind in my demeanor. I have no interest in arguing, asking questions, making any threats, etc.
Great! The stronger you can stick to this - the better you will feel. Chaos drains the soul.
Originally Posted by buck1
Right after the BD we were talking about how we loved each other and she did mention, "I know you will do anything to get me back".
Lest she think I'm going to sit around pouting and waiting, she will soon see I'm seriously taking steps to live the next phase of my life with or without her along.
TBH - any change you do at first will make her think you are doing it for her. That train of thought keeps her able to justify her actions. Pick the things YOU want to change about yourself and stick to it. Don't waiver.
Time + Consistency = Changes she can believe in. You will start feeling more confident thus choosing your happiness more and more... and possibly derail her train.
Originally Posted by buck1
Since we have adult kids we've always visited together, that dynamic will change of course, especially if either of us have new partners. I doubt she's thought about this, for what it's worth.
You can change it now if you want and see them by yourself.
Originally Posted by buck1
Of course I realize at some point she may wake up and decide "what was I thinking" so if it comes to that we'll talk. I need to research this phase in case it happens.
This won't happen for awhile. Again this is a marathon not a sprint. better to keep your research on how to work the 180s and Sandi's rules for the time being. She might have any reaction from niceness to spewing venom. There are posts here that can advise how to handle all of that.
Originally Posted by buck1
Sometimes I wonder what her family is going to say when they find out; they've always been big fans of how I've treated her as a husband and how I've fathered our kids.
Prepare yourself for them choosing their daughter. That doesn't mean they don't respect you or will treat you badly. My inlaws actually thanked me for loving their daughter well... but the relationship will change between you and them.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Sad to hear you are experiencing these things. In my experience, you've found one of the best resources and communities to be part of for support. Until you pick up MWD's books, you can see a few of her talks and videos on YouTube. I believe the first two chapters of one book, and several related articles, are on the site and can be found in the welcome email above.
You may be right about her anti-depressants. Unfortunately, she is now not in a position to appreciate your advice, caring, and other efforts. This is why you'll see so many people recommending that you focus on self-care, detaching from her, and generally not pursuing. She's going to find any pursuit to be turned off. Nice gestures might leave her feeling guilty or ashamed. Or, she's getting all the benefits of a husband while not reciprocating as a wife (having one's cake and eating too or "cake eating" as you'll sometimes see in this forum).
It absolutely [censored]. Working at DBing, building up these skills, shifting your perspective...all these things gradually start to help it suck less if you put in the work to master them. Best of luck and we're all here to help.
