If my wife asks me why I moved my work location to my "man cave" and am spending my time back there, how should I answer this?
Without fear.
Why is a grown man so worried about answering a simple question?
Thanks for your reply. The reason I said that is because I didn't want to tip my hand that I was following some plan or doing anything out of spite or retaliation. I now realize I was "over-thinking" it.
I ordered MWD's book (it arrives tomorrow). I wish it was an eBook for ease of "stealth" reading but I'll manage.
On the BD she mentioned that I need someone who would love and adore me the way I deserve, and she's not the one (and hasn't been for years). So I've been thinking, "Yes, that's right, I do!" and I'm no longer sure I want to save the marriage. For better or worse, this is a freeing thought for me, and I've been getting excited about imaging my new life of freedom. It allows me to be much more relaxed about the prospect of us separating.
A YouTube psychologist I watched said "every relationship has an adored and an adorer, and it's better for the woman to be the adorer". I don't know if it's valid but I've definitely been the "adorer" in this one.
She's clearly very confused with all her thoughts. She mentioned she would love to seek out some new male friends (but "she's not interested in going on dates"). It sounds like she wants to "sew her wild oats" again to me.
We were guest-speakers at a college class the other day to talk about our experiences (and any struggles) as an interracial couple raising kids. Nobody would have a clue there was any issue between us. I did learn more about the extreme pain she's been feeling the last few years about the rise of open racism in America and how it infiltrated the church we've been active members of for years (she quit that months ago). I'm sure this is part of her current emotional crisis, contributing to our split.
She wants to feel deep, loving passion for people, and as I mentioned, she hasn't felt that way about me for years.
She's still a beautiful, sexy woman who loves to dress sharp and get attention from other men. It was obvious to me but she mentioned it to me last night. She's pretty confident she won't have any trouble pulling guys if she wants. She certainly hasn't been starving from that kind of attention from me; I've always told her how great she looks.
She also got excited about the prospect of a family snowboarding trip (yes including me), just like we did a couple years ago. So she wants to feel like she's still part of our family unit.
I'm scared about the financial implications of our split, since I don't yet know how that works in a divorce. We're in our early 60s. I've been working on an income stream that would allow us to retire, along with Social Security and our retirement accounts. My salary is in the low-six-figures and have been grinding at corporate jobs our entire marriage, supporting our family. She has a part-time job that earns about 1/4 of mine. Our expenditures have definitely been biased toward her wants and dreams over the years. I understand and am OK with the fact we'll split all assets (we're in a community property state). I want her to be comfortable of course but will I be forced to delay retirement and keep working just to pay her an alimony? I need to learn this part.
A YouTube psychologist I watched said "every relationship has an adored and an adorer, and it's better for the woman to be the adorer". I don't know if it's valid but I've definitely been the "adorer" in this one.
You have to flip this. Your women (this one or the next) need to pursue you, not the other way round. It is importation to learn and implement as many Strong male traits as you can in the shortest time possible.
Originally Posted by buck1
She's clearly very confused with all her thoughts. She mentioned she would love to seek out some new male friends (but "she's not interested in going on dates").
She is not confused. She desires something you are not currently providing. Figure out what that is and give it to her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Less than two weeks after BD, I went from an emotional wreck from feeling our mutual dreams were shattered, to being excited about being single again. I'm not even convinced I'm still in "divorce busting" mode. This feels like a "superpower" since I don't feel pressure to change myself or to follow a plan with the main purpose of eventually having her fall back in love with me again. I now want to live the rest of my life as I choose.
I wonder how common this attitude progression is, particularly among husbands.
It would take a lot for me to permanently want her back.
I haven't mentioned this before because I couldn't bring myself to write it publicly, even though I know we're anonymous on this forum: she had an affair that lasted a couple months about 20-25 years ago with someone we hired to help her business at the time. About 8-10 years afterwards she confessed this to me out-of-the blue, unprovoked, because she couldn't live with the guilt of hiding it. I was crushed and felt my world collapse. I was so naïve I never even had a concern at the time that anything was going on. I thought it was a given that we had complete and total trust with each other in this area.
I forgave her and we stayed together; I never seriously planned on ending our mutual commitment over this for the following reasons:
>She showed great remorse >Our teenage kids were still at home >We had strong religious convictions that marriage is for a lifetime >At that time we believed almost every difficulty can be overcome with prayer, forgiveness, and God's help if people are repentant
It's a blur now but I think the reasons given for the affair were the typical "you weren't showing me enough attention" or something like that. I vowed to change.
After her confession, I also confessed some secret sexual sins of visiting strip clubs (as an "observer" with no contact or lap dances, if that makes a difference) early in our marriage so she wouldn't feel like I was trying to come across as a "holier-than-thou" victim.
So even if she does eventually try to come back to me after the recent BD, this memory will haunt me and I think my trust is over that she won't have another crisis in the future.
It’s very rare for a person to go from an emotional wreck to not wanting their spouse back two weeks later. You are likely on the emotional roller coaster that has its highs and lows. The good news is by the time she would ever consider coming back you will know exactly how you feel in regards to if you want her back.
We had an interesting conversation today so I'm posting for feedback.
But first:
Originally Posted by Boat14
You are likely on the emotional roller coaster that has its highs and lows.
So true!
Yesterday I was feeling that maybe there was hope, since she seemed to almost enjoy be being around me and I felt a slight glimmer of appreciation or admiration as I followed through on a promise I made a while back to install an accessory on her car.
But today I'm back to "there's no hope".
She knows I watched our pastor's sermon online last night in my "man cave", which (unknown to me in advance) happened to be about divorce and saving a marriage with commitment and prayer, regardless of "feelings".
So today she asked that even if we could save our marriage, would I be OK with living the rest of my life with a wife that was completely unattracted to me physically?
So I said "no, I couldn't live with that".
She told me, "I know I'm all messed up, this is all because of me, there's nothing wrong with you, you're just the way you are".
But she said she lost attraction for me long ago and gave me a long list of "icks" as examples, starting from 35 years ago: >I allowed myself to slouch too much when sitting or standing which she found extremely unattractive, and I kept "forgetting" to change that. >I didn't keep my breath fresh in spite of her frequent reminders (they became rare so I assumed things were OK; now I know. I brush my teeth 2X/day but her nose is hypersensitive). >I'm too bound to routine by default, with insufficient spontaneity (of course some of this "routine" has been beneficial to her and our family)
Here's the shocker for me though: I've been severely lacking in passion and excitement in the bedroom department for years.
My nature is toward being "aggressive" sexually in that I would've loved for us to "do it" different times of the day, and have tried to gently get something started out of our norm, or try different positions or toys in bed or whatever. However she has always shut down my every attempt to be "adventurous" the point of her maybe allowing an “adventure” once a week as a "favor" if I'm lucky.
I love to "make love" and actually engage in foreplay with her but she hasn't allowed either of those for as long as I can remember. She just wants me to jump right in so we can both be "serviced" and be done with it.
Yet she cites my "lack of sexual adventure" as the main reason she's done with me. When I mentioned I've been trying to jump-start our sex life for years, she said she resisted my attempts BECAUSE she's not attracted to me. So it feels like a "Catch-22".
In spite of the attraction-killing issues mentioned above of posture and fresh breath, over the years she always said I was handsome, sometimes she said I looked "F-able", and I'm pretty fit for my age. I lift weights and run regularly, but have never been able to grow much muscle. But did have a six-pack before Covid a few years ago. I'm trying to get that back now.
That's enough rambling! I just received my book but haven't started reading. Any comments are appreciated!
Last edited by DnJ; 10/15/2306:24 PM. Reason: Edited for sexual content and coarse language.
Here's the shocker for me though: I've been severely lacking in passion and excitement in the bedroom department for years.
My nature is toward being "aggressive" sexually in that I would've loved for us to "do it" different times of the day, and have tried to gently get something started out of our norm, or try different positions or toys in bed or whatever. However she has always shut down my every attempt to be "adventurous" the point of her maybe allowing an “adventure” once a week as a "favor" if I'm lucky.
I love to "make love" and actually engage in foreplay with her but she hasn't allowed either of those for as long as I can remember. She just wants me to jump right in so we can both be "serviced" and be done with it.
Yet she cites my "lack of sexual adventure" as the main reason she's done with me. When I mentioned I've been trying to jump-start our sex life for years, she said she resisted my attempts BECAUSE she's not attracted to me. So it feels like a "Catch-22".
Hmmmmm. Perhaps she is rewriting history.
Did she express this years-long disappointment with her sex life to you before? Or did she indicate that sex was good and is now essentially saying that she wasn't being honest?
I relate to some of what you said. My wife never expressed disappointment in the quality of our sex life over the years (although the frequency declined). Always said I was a good lover. She is probably more sexually conservative than I am, but nothing either of us enjoys could be considered remotely bizarre or fringe. On each occasion, I always asked her what she would like me to do for her, knowing that I would have no objection to any of it. Sometimes I would try to surprise her with something we hadn't done in a long time, but she would typically rebuff that. Now she has another man, and I can't imagine that she is asking him to swing her from the ceiling or something offbeat--or maybe she is.
Thus, your wife's statement that your sex life "lacks adventure" coupled with the lack of attraction she expresses suggests that the problem may not be that you aren't adventurous, but that you are her husband of many years. And she thinks it would be more exciting to be adventurous with someone else rather than you.
So perhaps what you need to focus on is becoming someone she would like to be adventurous with.
Last edited by DnJ; 10/15/2306:39 PM. Reason: Updated quoted text.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I removed the overt sexual content and language from your post.
We have people from all walks of life reading here. Please keep posts within the guidelines. If you have to preface a post with “Warning - Sexual Content” you’re going too far.
I understand there are many topics discussed here: sex, making love, affairs, cheating, and so on. And we can at times forget we are not just sitting around the campfire talking among ourselves, that lots of folks are reading along too. Be mindful of your chosen wording.
Thanks
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hey this is good. Did you listen validate and create attraction? In my opinion now, you ought to go all in - new wardrobe, cull your friend group to a circle of faithful servant leader men who have solid boundaries.
And figure it out lean strong muscle and attractive posture. Not for her. For you
Did you listen validate and create attraction? In my opinion now, you ought to go all in - new wardrobe, cull your friend group to a circle of faithful servant leader men who have solid boundaries.
And figure it out lean strong muscle and attractive posture. Not for her. For you
Thanks for your comment! I certainly listened, I think I validated, but I'm not sure about the "creating attraction" part (I just received the book). And yes I'm motivated to fix these things, primarily for my own self-image. I've already given up on "us" in my head since it seems her attraction is too far gone. But we'll see what happens in the future.
