I need help now that he is coming home

[MrP]

Hi Jessie. As you may suspect, especially if you re-read various posts out here about MLCers, they are predictably unpredictable. There is little if any point to trying to figure them out. Your H will be all over the board, not unlike a teenager who wants everything...and then nothing....who is in a good mood.... and then a bad mood....or a chilled-out mood. You're unlikely to find good reasons as to why. I discourage you from trying to figure out why he is behaving this way and stay focused on yourself and your kids.

To me, it feels like too much of a convenient turnaround given the timing of your "enhancements". It still seems like he doesn't know what he wants and, until you see more sustained and consistent change from him, you should continue work on yourself. Think about what you would need to see from him for a solid period in terms of real change....before I'd even THINK too seriously about sex again.

It is normal for people to come close...and then withdraw...they just aren't confident in themselves or what they want....thus the idea that they're trying to have their cake and eat it to...and get flustered when those urges are denied or stopped by their spouse/partner.

I hope your recovery from the procedures goes well and that you get the personal boost in your well-being that you're hoping for.

[job]

I agree with MrP 100%. Your h is still all over the place and he doesn't have a clue what he wants. There is absolutely no way to figure out what he's thinking because the wires in his brain are scrambled and just a mess right now. Yes, they do cry and he may have been crying because he doesn't understand why he feels the way he does.

I think he's testing the waters with you. The comments he makes are to see how you will respond and what you will say. Yes, he will turn around and say you initiated sex. He doesn't want to admit that it was him.

Until he is consistent with his actions and his words match his actions...he is still very much a mixed up teenager.

Keep working on you. Allow the man upstairs to work on him. Also, the changes you make for yourself...keep them consistent and permanent. Time to keep that focus on you and your family. There is no way to determine when he will finally come out of it. It could take another year or so. You are now on his clock and his time is very, very slow.

Hang in there...never doubt yourself. You doing very well for having him under the same roof with you.

[DnJ]

Good Morning jess

MrP is spot on - MLCers are predictably unpredictable. An LBS interacting, especially intimate interacting, must maintain minimizing their expectations regarding their mixed up crisis spouse.

he has been helping around the house and being super kind over that last little bit of time. So later that night it all started again and I didnt stop it. He made sure and asked if I was sure I was ok with it which I appreciated. It was awkward because my mind was flashing with so many thoughts of good and bad. He sat on the edge of the bed clearly wanting to say something but stopped himself a few times. I didnt ask any questions. then he went to do other house stuff and went to bed in his bed and a little later I could hear him sniffling like he was crying. So I dont know if he just felt guilty or what. But now the last two days he is back to really withdrawn again. Is this normal.

Yep. Pretty normal behaviour for someone in crisis.

Remember, H is driven by his emotions. He felt better, was helpful around the house and kind. Felt close to you. Felt the old love. Initiated sex and even more importantly initiated intimacy. Being close to you.

And, emotions stirred within him again. Regrets, guilt, shame, and still the unresolved feelings of the past childhood events, all swirled within him, again. Albeit, less than bomb drop levels. There is forward progress after all. Where it all finishes is unknown, though I put H on a positive journey still.

His seeming to want to say something and then stopping himself; you are absolutely correct in that assessment and in how you handled it. Let him lead. H is on his path and on his timeline. Pressure, pushing for answers will propel H in the opposite direction. So, well done!

Don’t worry, H will bring it up when he feels safe. And don’t take it personally, H’s fear and feelings are his, and not because of you. It’s all part of his growth and healing.

Should I have said no? I am not sure of anything any more.

You are doing fine.

Sex. Cake eating. Like most things it’s not black and white, it’s gray. And it’s situation specific.

Like everything here, you are first and foremost. In that, when first starting out, and not well detached and such, cake eating and alike is off the table. In time, and in some situations, cake eating becomes less so. It’s the disrespectfulness of it, more than the deed. If that makes sense.

Sex is pleasurable. It’s ok to enjoy it. It can also form and reinforce a bond.

Of course, OW is still in the picture. To what extent, I’m not sure. Breaking up is hard. However, you seem ok with the activities between H and you. Like I said, situation specific, some situations are wildly high risk - STDs for example.

Lots of MLCers will not let go of a branch until they have another one. That would include a possible returning. Jilting H’s advancements would likely not be beneficial to your goals. Likely-wise, definitely do not be used. As I said, you are first and foremost. If you want and enjoy H’s intimate company and he is not using you, it’s ok.

Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. And ensure you do with you, your health, your welfare - emotional, physical, spiritual - in mind first!

Keep a handle on your expectations and/or reading too much into H if/when you continue to be intimate. Right now, where H is at, such closeness holds different meaning to H than it does you.

It’s very common for the MLCer to make forward progress, to peek out of the tunnel, to get scared or such, and retreat back in to their crisis tunnel. Each time they emerge, especially without reprisals and judgement from the LBS, their retreat lasts less and less. Eventually, hopefully, being able to exit their consuming torment permanently.

Your part, is like you are doing. Upholding boundaries on disrespectful behaviour. Being kind and cordial. Living and loving your life. And letting H run to catch up.

You are the prize. You are the lighthouse. You are the leader, the living example. Let him pursue you. Let him become worthy of you.

Never sell yourself short.

Have an awesome day jess!

D

[jessieht]

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. He showed good emotion and even some empathy (of course this was after being caught in a lie) but non the less more than I have got since this started. And of course is cycling back this last week to jerk mode. Hopefully those cycles will get less and less and shorter like they have been. I remember seeing a thread that amyc posted about here story when she was in her mlc. Does anyone have a link to that thread. I cant seem to find it now. or any other threads of people coming out of their mlc. It helps me a lot mentally to read these stories.

[jessieht]

Well just a quick check in-journal entry.
I messed up this weekend a bit. Not the worst But still. I guess I could use a 2x4 to the head.
I have been under an extreme amount of work stress and still recovering from surgery so i was on edge and just tired of the constant digs of any little wrong or non perfect move I make and I let loos a little on my H.

It was my sons sleep-over party for his birthday and all the stuff that has been piled up in the dining room that my H literally took the week off to do was still there the morning of. a Christmas tree (since January) a taken apart bunk bed and a dresser that all needed to go outside and a taken apart dining table that needed to be put back together. and lets not forget his side of the sink of his nasty lunch dishes and pans that have been there for three weeks that make the whole hose stink. ( I ended up breaking and doing the last set that were there for 4 weeks because I was sick of it. to which he walks in and says "I was going to get those" after he watched me do it all.).

But what was his focus that morning? The placement of an empty box that I but in the car port and how lazy I was for that. So yeah my attitude followed that. I didn't yell but definitely through some truth darts. to which I got his go to flipping me off with waving fingers and the nice screaming F you to H@!!. He left for the gym and I got all the stuff taken outside by myself and on the carport and table put together. (I am paying for that in pain because I am not supposed to be lifting but it needed to get out for the party so it was better to just get it done than ask him.

We also got on the subject of him still being in contact with his ap. (I know, I know)

I told him after him that he wants me to be a complete wife with him not being an appropriate husband. and sent him I clear txt saying that my loving him does not mean that I will have unconditional acceptance for his inappropriate behavior.

He did try after that to come in and smooth things over by offering to wax the windshield on my car. He always tries to do some small little act of service to just get things back to normal.

I see progress and he is nowhere near withdrawn as he was and is making future plans for us as a family so i know he is moving along a bit. Also I do believe his ap is causing a lot of drama so of course I catch the stress that causes him. I am just tired and it boiled over a bit. I am dusting off and getting back to what I should. I hate that i let go. it is odd though it seems like he gets stuck and complacent and then when we have a blow up it seems to move him along a little more. He has always been one that gets very complacent and wont make changes till it effects him.

Sorry for the rant. I commend anyone who stays through all of this. I know we have a long way left to go. now off to do better this week.

[jessieht]

Just to add in I realy have been working on myself and doing a lot for myself and kids. I know it isnt about me and i cant fix him or reason with him. It just gets to be a lot with it all up in my face everyday with him being home know. He has been home for about 7 months now. it is getting better when I can almost line draft out where we were a year or two ago. I just need a reset I guess. I hate when i let myself do something that will not benefit me.

[jessieht]

I ill say that for the newcomers to this stuff it is true that we can listen all we want but we will not truly ready and in the spot of detachment. it was almost like a compulsion for me. I finally hit the place where i can see that I could try till I was blue in the face an it only backed him up further. Not to say that he would be out of this by now if I hadn't done those thing but it just used a bunch of my energy that could have gone to other things.

At one point I am glad i did because he can never say I didn't try and fight for our marriage but I also wore my self thin. next week is our 2 year anniversary from bd and the next day is our 9 year wedding anniversary. I have bulled back majorly and it has been longer than I have ever been able to keep that up and I can tell he notices. but for the first time it isn't a tactic to try and get him to come closer. This time it is honestly just not even worrying if it works out of not. He will be home for a year next month. i know it is said on here a lot that it takes MLCers 12-18 months after coming home to actually decide if they even want to stay. I was impatient but at this point it just is what it is. he will either wake up or I will decide to move on.

I still stand by that I regret letting him sneak home just as he was on his way down. I think that cushioned his fall to rock bottom. He has made some strides and he has had a month or so where i could here him cry a lot at night. He has also had a few bouts where he was monstering so bad that he was in full on breakdown mode. I still worry about suicide some days but I cant do anything to help that if he wont talk or get help. I am hoping my detachment isn't just a cycle for me but if it is I will try again.

I will give him the credit that he has continued to get better dealing with our kids. He also made a pretty good effort (for how he is right now) on my Birthday, as well as mothers day. the pursuit and running dance is just to exhausting so I am trying not to look into the good times to anything more than just a cycle. but a few weeks ago after an argument he did come and hug me and apologize and told me he realizes he has only been focussing on anything negative of me and he does car and appreciate me. for the first time in a while he sounded sincere.

thank you all for the support and advise from here. I am doing much better at focussing on my my own work and starting some new things and picking up some old stuff that I had dropped since bd. I think all and all I can see some sort of silver lining to this mess. and while I wish it never happened I can make it worth it in the end for myself and kids.

[MamaG]

Hi jessieht! I am new to your situation but just reading your last update, I could have written so much of it myself. I'm sorry you're STILL in this hot mess and healing.

I wish I had come across this site earlier in the process and would strongly agree with your advice to newcomers: detach. It is SO hard at first and if you're learning about MLC months after BD, do all you can to detach and implement 180s for you. I remember listening and felt like I wasn't strong enough to detach. You mentioned that your BD is coming upon the 2-year mark. I'm roughly 5 months behind you in timeline.

Newcomers, it isn't coincidence that LBS scenarios feel and sound so similar. Trust us and detach from your MLCer. MLCer is hurting and needs space and time to grow up. Hugs to all.

At one point I am glad i did because he can never say I didn't try and fight for our marriage but I also wore my self thin. next week is our 2 year anniversary from bd and the next day is our 9 year wedding anniversary.

Yup!

I have bulled back majorly and it has been longer than I have ever been able to keep that up and I can tell he notices. but for the first time it isn't a tactic to try and get him to come closer. This time it is honestly just not even worrying if it works out of not.

Yup. Great shift! I'm so glad that you're no longer cycling with him. My cycling is more about my own emotions for my healing. I still cycle. I've had many thoughts that I can move on without him and then I second guess. Sounds like you've moved beyond the second guessing. Happy for you. You sound like a good mom and a strong person. You will be better - with or without him.

I still stand by that I regret letting him sneak home just as he was on his way down. I think that cushioned his fall to rock bottom. He has made some strides and he has had a month or so where i could here him cry a lot at night. He has also had a few bouts where he was monstering so bad that he was in full on breakdown mode.

Don't be so hard on yourself. H moved out - did you really know what stage he was in? Vets tell us that we don't know their current stage other than in hindsight. I imagine this is why you now know that he was approaching rock bottom.

As far as I can tell (minimal exposure to H since May), my MLCer is hovering above rock bottom. Long hours at work amongst other replay activities are keeping him from hitting hard. I feel bad for this but I pray everyday that today's the day H hits. Never thought I'd think this way.

I still worry about suicide some days but I cant do anything to help that if he wont talk or get help. I am hoping my detachment isn't just a cycle for me but if it is I will try again.

Yup, again. My H even lets D know that he's considered it but made it through. She no longer reacts to it. Still, I wonder....

the pursuit and running dance is just to exhausting so I am trying not to look into the good times to anything more than just a cycle.

Yup, thrice.

but a few weeks ago after an argument he did come and hug me and apologize and told me he realizes he has only been focussing on anything negative of me and he does car and appreciate me. for the first time in a while he sounded sincere.

This right here is a sign of progress through the tunnel. This I long for. See it as a sign and continue GALing. I understand (and you're confirming) that it's a marathon.

Hugs and prayers to you. I'll look for your update if you stay connected here.

[jessieht]

Tank you MamaG

Of course I wrote this yesterday and I also started a 40 standing devotional yesterday and today after I got to work I had this supper impulsive want to call and talk to him about where we are in working on us. i know it wouldn't do any good so I called and txted some friends that i have met through this that are fellow standers and the trough all the advice I give them when they feel like that right back at me. I have learned not to talk to anyone about this that does not understand MLC or support my standing. I will make me a mess if I listen to those people that give advise for a rational situation because mlc is everything but normal and rational. Finally calmed down a bit. I still feel the pull to talk to him but have it under control and know it would just set this back.

One thing I have learned from reading stories from so many that have been in MLC is that not a single one woke up from a conversation or when we are begging. They have only woke up when when they felt loss and they knew they needed to once they were far enough along in this process.

The weeks feel like months to us. And according to mlc stories the months feel like days to them.

I will give him that I have seen improvements on a few things though from pre MLC and that is his blowups on the kids, Ant that to me is one of the most important thing.

Hang in there. we will all get to a good spot.

[jessieht]

Well just wanted to stop in and make a little journal entry more than anything. H is still home, as of this last week he has been home 13 months. so as of now longer that he was gone. I have held my tong and got better about not expecting him to act at all like a husband in the emotional sense. He is fairly good as long as I show little to no emotion. I can tell however when I am having hard days or start to pull away he tries to engage and talk more. He has and is still seeming to withdraw quite a bit, but has started reconnecting with family more and older friends to the point of them seeing us together, so his friends know he is home. He will still not be caught dead alone with me away from the house so that is hurtful, but at least he did go trick or treating with us. He has said many things about some small plans and even some things that he knows I would like (a fence for the back yard and chicken coop).

Personally I have just gone a bit numb to it all. I am doing good with so many other things in my life but did have a bad month or so that I was just so tired and unmotivated. I hate to use the word depressed because it wasn't all sadness per-say but just wanting to hide from the world. I think I am kicking this finally and getting out of that funk. I just want this to be done. I want a somewhat normal life with my husband. I don't expect perfect but just somewhat normal. But I know that 26 months into this isn't much in the MLC world.