The withdraw is killing me. he was crying a lot and wanting to move forward for about two months and talking to me a lot. now the last two weeks he is super withdrawn. he will make connection with me and his family on his terms but if we call or txt him for anything it is quite evident that we are an inconvenience. He did start BuSpar this last week so hopefully that will help. He hasn't blown up a lot but has done some baiting into arguments that I haven't fed into at all. but I feel more hated now than I did when he was gone and in a full on relationship with his OW. he is reconnecting on so many ways and helping around the house and will talk about future but then he will turn around and just turn into teenager that hides and lets you know with his energy how annoyed he is to be around you. I read that more marriages end in withdraw just because of the pushing they do so I am trying to stay strong but this [censored]!!!!!!
Last edited by DnJ; 10/25/2307:27 PM. Reason: Removed other site/reference.
It is totally understandable that his behavior hurts at this stage. They have to have time and space to wrestle with their demons (and to see you less as one of them). Meds usually take about two weeks to have any effect and that is if the dosage is correct for a person's needs but hopefully you'll see a noticeable difference. Don't take the bait either! Great job not feeding into it. It can feel like you're not defending or sticking up for yourself. In reality, the best thing you can do for YOU is not get pulled further into conflict.
Dig for patience. Continue to leave H to his path.
However, do not forget about you. Like I said, boundaries. They are very important. People will treat you as you allow them to. H is emotionally very much like a teenager, and will test you. He will push against every one of your boundaries and buttons.
You don’t blow up, you don’t take the bait, you simply enact the enforcement you previously rationally decided upon when crafting the boundary for H’s behaviour.
Also, be diligent to not sweep things under the rug.
Originally Posted by jessieht
he is being nicer our last big monstering was the weekend he moved came back. He left in a rage and then came back 45 minutes later and acted like nothing happened the next day.
Originally Posted by jessieht
We are definitely better today than we were two months ago. and he is acting better also. but the avoidance and withdrawal are so hard to deal with.
There will be a tendency for H to avoid dealing with his emotions, responsibilities, accountability, etc. That’s a pretty big item for why he is in this current crisis situation. You can state to him there is a certain level of behaviour required to live under your roof.
It a bit of a razor edge. H does need to express his frustrations and other confusing feelings. Yet, you are not his emotional punching bag. He can get an actual punching bag and sweat out his feelings upon it. Or go for a run, or some other physical activity.
By the sounds of things, H has times of lucidity and openness to such a suggestion. A willingness to consider a better path or option. He is reconnecting with you and his family, even taking the dog for rides; all much better behaviours than months ago.
My thoughts are with H being 39 he could sweep this present crisis under the rug, avoid it, and it will come back later at more midlife age, like 50ish. At half century life’s mortality pushes differently, careers are winding down, the time left for life’s possibilities is much more in one’s face, kids are grown, and so on. A delayed crisis, when it comes back is much worse.
Anyhow, you cannot control H’s path. You can exert some influence though. And the best way for that is to live your life. Be your best self. And let H catch up to you.
Be that strong confident stable gal who doesn’t walk on eggshells, does not pretzel herself, loves fully, and doesn’t take no cr@p.
Understanding, kind, compassionate, empathetic, forgiving, and not a doormat.
While/when H behaves like a teenager, treat him like one. And for the most part, that’s letting him be. Remember, depression is ever present in a crisis, so there is plenty of brooding and sitting alone. H being home, you will see what he could hide before. You will see his mask slip much more often.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So I have read in hearts blessing that the ap will normally stick around in the background for a while. I do believe my husband is in the withdraw stage. what is ya'lls opinion in handling this. He doesn't work with her anymore and he has moved home so I know there is still talking and txting going on. I am trying to pretend I don' know but I don't know if that is the right thing to do ore not. we have not fought in a month after him moving back and he is doing kinder stuff little by little but it is hard for me to even act normal and want to engage in anything with him when she is still around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm not here much anymore, although I do stop in from time to time..
I'm also not gonna focus too much on where HE is.
And I'm gonna ask you some questions about where YOU are...
Whether he is home or not shouldn't change who you are and hopefully have become through all of this.
A lot of the old timers here called Piecing..... Piercing, because of how painfully hard it was. The reconnection from a non emotional place can be difficult enough without throwing affairs of the heart into it.
When you add in the emotional baggage of children, history , memories, and what once was. It tangles it into a web that is almost impossible to get through. So what happens is that past behaviors get applied, and old patterns take over until you find yourself right back in the same miserable place ( if you are totally honest) you both wanted to run from.
Standing your ground and absolute boundaries are your only lifeline to finding something different. And you have to enforce the boundary in order for it to mean something.
Something is drawing him back, and for now, it doesn't matter what it is.
An MLCer will not return to a situation that they were trying to run from...
However, pretending that he isn't living there, and sweeping everything under the rug isn't healthy for you , or the future of this relationship.
Something like....
Is this working for you ? The being here again ? Because pretending that you haven't moved back in isn't working for me. I feel like if you are here, we are working toward a future, and if we aren't working for a future, then I think it best that you aren't living here
???
Most in MLC, when they start seeing the world again through rational eyes, are broken, laying at their rock bottom, looking up for a lifeline to pull them through. Men in MLC are a little different than Women are in that there are usually a lot of false starts.
Men are typically less emotional creatures than our superior counterparts. Therefore they can only take it so far before they have to walk away and regroup.
You may see that, you may not.
With any luck though, YOU should be light years ahead of him when it comes to relationship skills. I don't know you, however hopefully, you have been honing all of the things that you didn't like about yourself within the confines of a relationship. Making changes to yourself and for yourself.
So him catching up will be frustrating at best for you. Have patience....
He will also fear judgement GREATLY...
He will struggle with forgiveness GREATLY...
So some questions.....
What does reconciliation look like to you ??
What does having a healed marriage look like to you ??
What boundaries are you putting in place to protect yourself ??
What fears and anxiety are you having over the thought of this ??
What does forgiving him look like to you ???
How can your boundaries be strong, without punishing him ?
Have you forgiven him ??
Have you forgiven yourself for your part in the breakdown of this relationship ???
Thank you all so much for your advise. I do feel like I need to ask him and talk about him moving back in and what that will look like for both of us. And let him know that while I can not control him I can control what I allow to be right under my nose and act like I don't see it. I know so many say not to push at all but he has always come through a little further with slight pushes. I guess a little stirring the pot is the term I have heard used. He has always had a big issue with being complacent and without a little push would always stay exactly where he was. Like I said he is seeming to be more normal and other than there being no relationship talk or ANY physical touch. (he was twisting in pretzels to get by me in the kitchen without touching me. But that has gotten much better and is starting to use playing with the kids when they are close to me or in my bed to get closer) it is like we are all back to normal. Better than normal because we are not fighting at all. He has started to pitch in more with house expenses and chores. not a lot but better than he ever did pre BD. So know it is just him being stuck in this limbo of ending it completely with OW and really having the conversations that we need to have about what we both need in our marriage. Thank you all so much for the advise and support.
Hi Jessie - I was glad to see your update. Regarding the feedback you received about not pushing, you ultimately have to decide what works best for your situation. To paraphrase what MWD says, do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Just remain mindful of falling back into old patterns and mistaking those for "what works" if it really did contribute to the challenges in your marriage. I was also glad to see you building up your boundaries, especially around OW. MWD talks about infidelity in her books and John Gottman does as well. He has an especially good chapter on it in What Makes Love Last. In addition to the discussions on this board on infidelity, I encourage you to check out these books. Do make sure you're setting aside time to care for yourself too!
What is ya'lls opinion about the ow still being in the back pocket means that they are still in replay. I read the hearts blessing book and sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through this with not blowing my top and just being done. My husband talks about our future now like he is never leaving. plans for the house and barn and what not. but there is no work on the relationship. i know i am looking for this way to soon. he has been broken up with the ap since the beginning of august and hope full time since September. I can see there is certain things he is baiting me with for arguments sometimes and I am trying my hardest not to feed into it and to just walk away. he went through about two months of bad depression just before he broke up with here while he was back and forth between us but i know there is still some contact with her over calls and txt. but in her book it says if there is any contact that means they are still in repay so i am gearing up for a larger worse depression and withdrawal. he has been withdrawn since about 2 weeks after he moved back in. He has also been on BuSpar for a month now so I am not sure what is the mlc stages or meds. i am not trying to stage watch but also am trying to prepare for anything wors that is yet to come. the coach i am working with thinks he is in acceptance but I know from what she says that is almost the hardest stage with them pushing. he has done some pretty big pushes but yet says he wants to have a good marriage and family now. but of course everything is still my fault for the affair. yes i can own some things i did wrong in our marriage but to be honest he has always been super emotionally immature and frankly verbally and emotionally abusive. I do see that getting better after replay. in replay he was the most cruel person I have ever seen. but know if is just a mental mess of what to do because no matter what I do it is wrong. if i am nice it is wrong and if i stand up for my self i am wrong. so I am just trying to be myself and how I would always be. And as I read the book again i can see so much of what was happening before bomb drop. it is good to see the script from others though and know i am not alone.
Until the OP is out of the picture, he is going to be bouncing around. Yes, he's home, but his words and actions may not appear to be in sync. The best thing you can do is to listen and do not make comments unless he asks for your comments and/or opinions. He is not baked yet. In my opinion, he still has a ways to go and if he is baiting you, he is looking for an excuse to leave again. Again, just listen. Sounds like he is just now going into a deeper depression and withdrawal. BTW, that is not acceptance.
Take a huge step back and allow him to figure things out. He needs to look within for that illusive happiness and the OP is nothing more than a band aid. Until he gives the OP up, he will be waffling. If he truly means that he is never leaving and wants to work on the marriage, then things will need to change with him and his actions. Always remember...actions speaker louder than words.
Continue as you have been. If he says that you have done something wrong, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it be and walk away. Sounds like he is still trying to find some excuse to leave again.
Also, the stages and the descriptions of what happens are just a guide. Each person is unique, therefore their crisis will be unique for them. Some bounce back and forth for quite some time before they settle down into their own skins and that is when acceptance occurs. Others may run back up into the tunnel for security for a while longer. He has to figure himself out. I don't think he's done that yet. Step back, give him all of the space he needs. Live your life as if he is a roommate.
The process of being home and finally coming to the end of the crisis will take just as long as it took for him to entire into the crisis...approximately 12-18 months, or longer for some.
Keep the focus on you and allow the man upstairs to work on him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
