And another reason why I asked you those questions the other day....
Now is NOT the time to be weak about your convictions with yourself...
Boundaries are essential...
I would also say that walking on eggshells doesn't play into what is best for you either...
From my perspective...
It seems that you are walking a razors edge line between being the person that you want to be, and the person that is willing to allow him to come home and pretend that nothing ever happened...
One of those things keeps you stuck in limbo...
The other will allow you to live your life, and be okay whatever way this works out...
Be the lighthouse in the storm rather than the rowboat...it's a much smoother ride
Yes, I do think he is looking for it to be me that looses it and kicks him out again. little does he know I am not cut out for not having my kids with me full time so i can be stubborn and wait it out for that reason alone. i don't want to live like this but I can stay for the kids.
Thats what i was thinking about the depression and withdraw. Yes the sound of him being in acceptance sounds great but I don't see a lot of those signs there. I do hate when he is depressed though. it is probably harder on me than when he is angry.
He has made many comments about her being a distraction for him event back when they were in a full on relationship. He said "when I am with her we have fun so I don't hurt" and even things about material things. he has always been very into material things but he has said when he buys a new gun or makes a change at work "maybe this will make me happy" and of course it does for a few weeks and the it is back to his new normal.
i have noticed since he came back he sleeps a lot during the day. and will have the game on tv and watching youtube and playing a game all at the same time if he is not sleeping.
as for the good, this last week he has actually dressed like he used to. after he left he started not carrying about how he looked really bad. was always in NASTY old cut off jeans that were falling apart and t-shirts with holes in them. he was military and has always dressed nice and made sure he was clean and pressed. most of his family noticed this before i even did. but the grungy clothes were also the OW style. so he never had to try and impress her. not that i ever cared or would have judged him for dressing like that with me but he always made sure he was dressed nice so it was nice to see again.
thank you all for the help. i am just trying to stay sain in this twilight zone.
I am really trying to not let it bother me and rather almost find humor in t. i really don't think it is funny but if I laugh i don't cry. Yes the eggshells have been for a long time even before bd. I know I need to start being stronger. i was just worn down already when he bd'ed so it was a ride for the last year as well. but at least i can say my kids are happy for know so I am trying to just give it some time. but if he leaves again i do not believe i will be waiting around any longer. that is where my head is for now anyway.
I am really trying to not let it bother me and rather almost find humor in t. i really don't think it is funny but if I laugh i don't cry. Yes the eggshells have been for a long time even before bd. I know I need to start being stronger. i was just worn down already when he bd'ed so it was a ride for the last year as well. but at least i can say my kids are happy for know so I am trying to just give it some time. but if he leaves again i do not believe i will be waiting around any longer. that is where my head is for now anyway.
You can't imagine the strength that comes from being strong first, and allowing the chips to fall where they may...
And if you aren't strong for you, then you can't be there and be strong for anyone else.
Kind of like the oxygen mask on a plane.
You are told to put yours on first, before you help others...
I see that in your posts too...
You are very focused on what HE is thinking, doing, acting....
One of the hardest things is to let go, let God have him to work on. A large majority of the people who come here are fixers. We want to fix things for them asap and that is not how this crisis works. The crisis individual is the only one that can fix himself/herself. Why? Because whatever happened to them long ago is what they need to go back to and better understand why things were the way they were and face those ugly truths and accept that they are not at fault for what transpired. We can be there to listen, i.e., as a friend. Only offer up advice if asked for it.
Yes, we want the crisis to be over yesterday, but it doesn't work that way. Each crisis is unique and it will take however long it takes for them to work through their painful emotional issues. While they are working on themselves...we should be doing the same. We should be making a list of the things that we have allowed to collect dust in our minds and pull them out and work on them. Ask yourself this...what type of things did you enjoy pre-marriage? What have you allowed to collect cobwebs over the years and put on the back burner? Now is the time to pull those items of interest out and do them. Now is the time to re-discover the person that you once were. Make changes if you need to...but remember...those changes must become permanent and not just to get your h to notice you.
I know you probably get tired of hearing this...but you must keep the focus on you. Live your life to the fullest and if he so happens to want to a part of your life, he will do so. You can invite him to join you for some activities, but for the most part, be mysterious and do some things on your own and you do not have to share everything w/him at this time. Let him think about you. He can't miss you if you are there all of the time. He needs to wonder what you are doing. Give him something to think about.
Keep the focus on you and please, please do something extra special for you today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i read in another thread that you were/are military and a coach. are you a coach for db or relationships? My husband is a marine vet and a deputy now and i would like to find a coach that somewhat gets the ptsd aspect of him.
Unfortunately, one of the rules on the Board applies to contact off-line. We cannot provide our personal contact info on the Board. I do not think that MrP is a coach on the Board because Michelle has removed the "Coach" segment from the platform.
Maybe MrP can assist you while you both are on the Board. Hopefully, he can provide you with some sage advice on ptsd.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No problem. I was thinking he may have been one of the coaches for d. busting. I am going to call about coaching from them but am hoping to find someone with some ptsd understanding from military. Thank you all so much.
I would try calling a VA medical clinic and/or hospital to see if there is someone that can help you with the ptsd situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As much as I wish 1) I was a DB coach and 2) a veteran - regretably I am not. I believe I quoted another member of the forum whose user name is/was Coach at one point and/or referenced that I worked with one of MWD's DB "official" coaches the first time D came up. I may also have mentioned my W has some unresolved trauma from a past relationship that seems similar to PTSD. Job has the best recommendation to reach out to the VA to see what resources they provide. I've got family who were in the military as well as close friends. Though it can be a pain, the VA actually seems to provide incredible benefits that our vets 100% deserve. Until that trauma/PTSD is addressed, my understanding from a prior marital counselor is that it will be difficult to impossible for the relationship to make positive progress. I wish I could help more. As others have said, please make sure you're doing things for your OWN well-being.
