first time posting here, and just learning about MLC over the last few months. In this just a little over 14 months from BD but there were signs for a little over two years before that.So I thought if he came home it would be easier. I am happy that he is home. at least I know where he is. But the reconnection process is hard. Bd was 828 of 2022. a day before our seven year anniversary. Said he wanted a divorce and then Because he was acting weird I snooped and found out he was having an affair with a girl he met three weeks prior. Of course I flipped out because he was blaming it all on me. and we have had a hard marriage for a while that I had been begging to work on (he is a vet with ptsd symptoms and had a horrible childhood.) so that i know plays a role in this. but I calmed down and said if he cut her off we could work it out. he said all the stuff about he didn't know what he wanted and didn't want to be alone so he couldn't cut her off.
so i go about doing all the wrong stuff get mad and file for divorce and then beg and plead for him to come back. he goes into a full on relationship with her and even introduces our two littles to her within two months. After about 4 months i finally get through to him that that is not healthy for them and he keeps them away from her. was doing and spending money on stuff he never would have at home. went 10k more in debt in a few months. his mother is all ok with him living there and ow staying over with our kids, because as i found out later she had been caught cheating 12 times that I know of and all four of her husbands were the previous husbands best friends.
so we go on him saying maybe we can work it out and him being the ugliest to me that i have ever been treated in my life. completely cruel and justifying every bit of it. in about June he starts to get depressed. starts talking to me more. the lies continue as he swears he is not with ow anymore but i can see her car at his house when i pass by for work. he had also ghosted his whole family other than his mom because they did not support him in this decision.
so we go back and forth and i finally have enough after receiving a txt that was meant for ow the end of July justifying why he was going to stop by and see the kids but that he wouldn't stay long so not to worry. i tell him I am getting of the roller coaster and he had till the fallowing Sunday to end it with her or I was moving on. he begged and pleaded and then went silent. he did break up with her at some extent because her Facebook was all sad posts about true love waiting forever. he didn't say much to me for like three weeks.
Then a year to date of him leaving he comes over and stays till 9 to tuck the kids into bed. does this for three weeks and has some monstering moments. all the reasons our marriage wont work out. such as but not limited to I like a different breed of horses than he likes, I ran over and extension cord that was in the carport, i put iodine on a small cut to disinfect it on my son instead of peroxide. you know all valid reasons. then he stayed a few nights on the weekends in the kids room. then 2 weeks ago he came for a weekend night stay and never left. sneaking in a box at a time.
there is no relationship talks and i have worked very hard to not let any anger I have come over me. he is still a little protective of his phone but getting better. I am sure ow is still pressuring him. so I would rather look like the calm better option.
but he has done a few baiting and instigating that i know he is seeing if he can get me to blow up. I have read they will do this to test if you still want them or not. But what are my next moves to build a connection and not stay in the roommate stage? I know this is all new so it will take a while but I want to make the right moves to not mess up. he does talk about the future with things at the house and what not but as far as being engaged in the now he isnt much there. I am seeing him do some things that are even better that he didn't do before but not much. i think he is in-between the depression and withdrawal stage, but when does the actual reconnection start? and what can i do to make sure i do that correctly? O am just lost but doing what i can to keep my family together for my kids. he is still mentally messed up. no memory and confused about all kinds of daily things.
Welcome Jess you have come to the right place. Make yourself comfortable and at home here in this place. There is a lot of care compassion experience wisdom and respect here for you.
Welcome to the boards. I’m sorry you found yourself in this situation. I’ll paste a copy of Cadet’s welcome thread for your reference. There are many links to a trove of useful information.
Have you read Divorce Remedy? I’m guessing that you have discovered it by now, being over a year post BD. With H being at home, do keep the book and this site close to your chest. Ensure you erase the browser history on the family computer. H will likely incorrectly see this guidance as manipulation, which will not help.
By the way, how old is H and yourself? You mentioned two kids. Boy and girl? Ages? We are anonymous on the board and you do not have to disclose anything you wish not to. However, details do allow for folk to more tailor their suggestions.
I see BD was last August. H was embroiled in an affair at the time and move in with his Mom. When did he leave? When did OW move in?
What happened with your filing for divorce? Is it pending or did you withdraw it?
These folks can spend quite a bit. H accumulating $10K in debt in just two months. Do you know the extent over the 12 months? Are your finances separated or still joint?
Originally Posted by jessieht
all the reasons our marriage wont work out. such as but not limited to I like a different breed of horses than he likes, I ran over and extension cord that was in the carport, i put iodine on a small cut to disinfect it on my son instead of peroxide. you know all valid reasons.
Lol. They do have some wild reasoning. My XW “left” because the furnace blew cold air.
H broke up with OW. Perhaps at your behest. Realize breaking up is hard to do. An affair is like a drug, and withdrawal - not the MLC withdrawal stage, but addiction withdrawal - is super hard. So much pain and anguish as one’s mind screams for what is now absent. You likely experienced similar back when H left. Hopeful, H will stick to this path and not rekindle with OW and just take it deeper underground.
Originally Posted by jessieht
then 2 weeks ago he came for a weekend night stay and never left. sneaking in a box at a time.
I would have liked to see a time when H lived by himself, sans OW. A time when you and he could speak and date. A time when he can demonstrate and you could assess his willingness and commitment. For example: H, I am willing to explore us, to date, and maybe even live together again. If we are still compatible, I could see us living together in 12 months from now. Realize, you cannot see or have anything to do with OW, ever! If you do, that 12 month clock resets. You start again.
Of course, H is sneaking in one box at a time. And you are allowing him to. This can work as well. Or you could ask/tell him to live solo and perhaps you use six months instead of twelve.
At any rate, you’ll have the lion’s share of the work here. Do have to be pressure-free. Allowing H to find his path. After a year, he has so much guilt and shame to process, plus all the demons that propelled him out the door and to an affair in the first place.
Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H has lots of work to do.
Originally Posted by jessieht
but he has done a few baiting and instigating that i know he is seeing if he can get me to blow up. I have read they will do this to test if you still want them or not.
Yes, he will test you.
You have to have rock solid boundaries. Know what your boundaries are. Do not accept disrespectful behaviours. H needs to know that you are firm in them. For what good are belief and values if not the bedrock of one’s life. H is testing for that. Like a teenager testing their parents. They need to know you will hold them accountable while still loving them.
Originally Posted by jessieht
what are my next moves to build a connection and not stay in the roommate stage? I know this is all new so it will take a while but I want to make the right moves to not mess up. he does talk about the future with things at the house and what not but as far as being engaged in the now he isnt much there. I am seeing him do some things that are even better that he didn't do before but not much.
It’s ok to be in the roommate stage for a while. H just left OW. He needs to get through that first.
Originally Posted by jessieht
i think he is in-between the depression and withdrawal stage, but when does the actual reconnection start?
Like stages of grief, one can be in multiple stages. H is likely tasting the depression stage, and is still leaving the replay stage. It is quite nebulous these stage transitions.
Reconnection has already started it sounds like. It will be in the reverse order of leaving. In the order of least hurt to most hurt. Reconnection starting with pets, friends, kids, and then spouse.
Originally Posted by jessieht
what can i do to make sure i do that correctly?
Dig for patience. DB. Focus on you. Live and love your life. Let H run to catch up to you.
Originally Posted by jessieht
he is still mentally messed up. no memory and confused about all kinds of daily things.
Depression and confusion are hallmarks of a crisis. They do have the memory of a gnat for quite a while. Be prepared, H will exhibit such confusion for a good while longer methinks. As I said, lots of inner work to do. All the trauma(s) he experienced as a wee lad.
A MLCer’s journey has nothing to do with the LBS. Long ago childhood trauma(s) were buried. Those pains and torments lay hidden, unreconciled, and unknown. At midlife those demons no longer will remain silence. And the person in crisis does not know what or why it is happening.
Their journey is a long one, and their path a twisted one. H may relapse back into replay. Or he may not. Be pressure-free, employ boundaries, and dig for patience. H did return home. See where he takes this.
I look forward to conversing with you. Hope you are having a great day.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you so much for this. I am trying for patients as much as I can. I have had a few slip up and let me anger get the best of me but have been much better. we are both 39 and our littles are 6yo boy and 7yo girl. I kicked him out the day I found out about the affair. He said he wanted to go ahead and divorce the day before because he was tired of my crap but couldn't tell me what that was other than the house wasn't clean enough for him. and of course when I asked if there was someone else he said i was crazy. this all happened the day before our 7 year anniversary. I do believe there is still some contact with the ow over phone and they work together so there is that. he only spent 75 hours with her from the day they met at work till the day he said he couldn't let her go. He is being kinder and is trying to help more around the house finally, also taking the dogs that he "hated" so much for rides. I am trying to look at progress in months instead of days because day to day there is set backs some times. But I know he carries a lot of shame. he moved mack with his mom and she plastered videos of them at Christmas on social media so all he people he looked up to seen it. she has traumatized all 4 of her kids but he is the only one that wont admit it (yet anyways) I am trying to be as kind and patient as I can and pray he gets there. I have finally realized there is nothing I can do about it. but I do see things going backwards from the peak of things back to how they started, so I am holding out hope but no expectations. also we have always had separate money so his should not effect mine at all as of right now, the divorce is basically just in limbo at the moment. i filed before I started to learn about all of this stuff. But he never really moved out, he took his work clothes and a few things but would never come and get the rest of his stuff. He has shown some remorse and crying when we would talk but not a lot. Thank you for your reply and will go through all of those links.
Last edited by DnJ; 10/21/2301:21 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Hi Jessie welcome. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.MLC truly can be a horrible thing, and there is alot of damage that gets done. Your situation certainly sounds hard with him moving back In, has he started any R talks? I think them coming out of their crisis is hard and a long journey too, and you need to be prepared for the ride. I can’t speak of it as I feel my H is still stuck in his. But I know you said about the day before your wedding anniversary this happened. To be honest I think part of the MLC process is the people we knew cease to exist. The kind hearted generous H that we once knew become full blown selfish a/holes. I know mine did. He BD me a week before Christmas ( and I LOVE Christmas and he knows that), he told the kids and moved out 1 week before our S12 bday, the day of what was suppose to be our 16 wedding anniversary he decides to call a lawyer and then tells me “we are definitely done and there is no hope “ The MLC monster is a horrible one. I hope someone can shed some light on what to do with your H considering he’s come crawling home with his tail between his legs
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Hi Jessie - You are in the right place in terms of useful practices and support. Cadet's welcome email is especially great. As others noted, the discussions on boundaries, Sandi's rules, etc. are often helpful. This is my 2nd time around and the two themes that are most helpful have been: 1) giving the person lots of time and space and 2) getting a life and making yourself the most attractive you can be (for yourself). The time and space can help someone see that YOU actually aren't the root cause of their crisis. Absence can also make the heart grow fonder. Getting a life and working on you helps keep you busy at a minimum, helps you get some positive momentum going instead of feeling stuck, and gives you a valuable path to follow, whether your marriage works out or not. As other say, the only person you can control is yourself. We will be here to listen, offer support, and hopefully help you calmly and rationally navigate a difficult situation, while he is being driven by emotion, PTSD, and other things that often mean his behavior will be illogical. Take care.
No Definitely no relationship talk. he is being nicer our last big monstering was the weekend he moved came back. He left in a rage and then came back 45 minutes later and acted like nothing happened the next day. I am really trying to just drop the rope but it is so hard when it involves my kids and my life. but I am trying to look at progress on the larger term instead of day to day. and that helps. We are definitely better today than we were two months ago. and he is acting better also. but the avoidance and withdrawal are so hard to deal with.
Dropping the rope is hard. Really really hard. Believe me Jessie it took me a while. I too have kids and H is still very involved into their day to day ( until he leaves-yes my H recently decided to take a job transfer on the other side of the world so there’s zero logic with MLC) so it’s so so hard to drop that rope. But once you do you will feel better or at least start to heal you. As DnJ says you didn’t break him so you can’t fix him. Don’t even engage in R talks even if he brings it up. I have learnt to shut it down. While they are still “broken” they can’t handle them( as you have seen with the storming out). My H may start to say something that resembles R talk and the moment I respond( despite what I say) he internally combusts and usually shuts down or storms out. You live and learn p
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thank you so much. yes this last few weeks i have been really just letting go of it. my 7yo daughter asked him last night if he was actually moved back in or not and he told her yes but has not talked to me about it at all. I am just leaving it be for right now. I have heard from a lot of people and read in the another book that they will keep the AP in their back pocket for a while which is killing but is what it is i guess. Thank goodness I am coming up on the busy time at work for me so I don't really have time to focus on him. But just to let him be for a while. He is very withdrawn right now so i am just going to let it go where it will.
Last edited by DnJ; 10/23/2304:22 PM. Reason: Removed reference/name.
