yes the councilors we are seeing individual are from a va non profit. Well he was going and once he got the ptsd diagnoses his councilor left and now he hasn't gone back. they have a marriage councilor there but i am asking him if he will see us separately as well and sometimes together. I think if we go in there together right away he will take anything i say as an attack. but if anyone else says or suggests anything it is like gold to him. but if i say something he wants nothing to do with it.
yes the councilors we are seeing individual are from a va non profit. Well he was going and once he got the ptsd diagnoses his councilor left and now he hasn't gone back. they have a marriage councilor there but i am asking him if he will see us separately as well and sometimes together. I think if we go in there together right away he will take anything i say as an attack. but if anyone else says or suggests anything it is like gold to him. but if i say something he wants nothing to do with it.
This is a good idea. Also, counsellors often can’t give the advice they’d like to give to individuals when you’re both in the room.
well I haven't had him Monster in 2 months to the day till today. I called to tell him his grandmother sent me a somewhat cryptic txt that she was in an ambulance with his papa. so I called him right away to let him know and see if he had already heard. He said he was going to call her asap and hung up. i didn't want to call his grandmother and overwhelm her with calls while she was on the way. So I called back a few later to ask what all happend and if he was ok. He totally blew off his papas situation with heart failure as just short of breath. he has blown off this side of his family so bad since this has started. hence the reason his nany txt me because I am the only one that that checks on them. so he said I was calling to tell him that just so I could keep tabs on what he is doing. and not because i felt like he should know. and then said i was telling him to call her instead of calling her myself. said it was annoying and stupid to have to deal with me and he wasn't doing this anymore. I do not cal or txt him unless needed for kids or house stuff even since he moved home. he makes it know I am an annoyance when I call. so I dont. so he just screamed till he was dont and hung up. I know they come back broke and I know there is a long way to go. But I sure dont know if I will be doing this for years.
I am really trying. I can tell it is all just projection but it is hard to not defend or at least want to try and explain yourself. I can take a good ass chewing when I know it is my fault but it has always been a hard thing for me when people are convinced I am doing stuff that I am not. He txted about 6 hours later to say dinner was ready and I just did a simple OK reply. I got home and for the first time since he has been home he cleaned the kitchen and reorganized some stuff and got groceries and made dinner. I tried to just stay busy with the kids and in my room. he was still a bit ugly and not picky but he kept trying to get me places to see what he had done. I gave him a simple thank you. Of course i have been swamped with work and so I have been praying he would help at the house some because I am so overwhelmed. and acts of service especially when I am overwhelmed is definitely my love language. But I still gust tried and staid dim. normally I would be telling him how thankful I am that he helped but to be honest it is normal household stuff like taking cafe of the kids and help in the house so it is more like him bread crumbing me, He has always done that when he steps over the line and then goes right back into it. just trying to dig in my basement for any more patients. thank you
…his grandmother sent me a somewhat cryptic txt that she was in an ambulance with his papa.
Was grandma with grandpa or H’s dad?
Originally Posted by jessieht
He totally blew off his papas situation with heart failure as just short of breath. he has blown off this side of his family so bad since this has started.
Grief. It’s expressed in some wild and unpredictable ways.
Grandpa, or especially his Dad, having a life threatening episode brings to the fore the fragility and mortality of our brief time here.
H dismissed this as shortness of breath. The first stage of grief is denial. That normal protective mechanism one deploys until they gain some balance and can better discern what’s going on.
Anger usually follows after the shock and denial have worn off. These feelings are reactionary to the loss.
My Dad has had a few heart attacks and some rather grim episodes over the past year or so. And yes, there is denial, and then anger. I felt angry for my Dad for getting old, sick, potentially leaving, etc. Then there is bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Quite a mix of emotions one works their way through.
Originally Posted by jessieht
[H] said it was annoying and stupid to have to deal with me and he wasn't doing this anymore.
H is scared and angry. And this medical situation will stir up his childhood memories and emotions too. He is lashing out at you. Lashing out at the messenger. H’s reaction towards you is not fair or warranted, and you know it’s not about you.
As we’ve discussed, H will test you. His lashing out is actually a good thing. H sees you are a safe place to land, a safe harbour within his storm. He feels safe enough to express his frustration and grief. Someone who is done, is very much indifferent and does not interact like that.
Boundaries. There is a line, a balance to find, between disrespect and expressing his feelings. H can do better. And H will treat you as you allow it.
H has been two months of relatively calm behaviour towards you. Things are going to happen, life is going to happen, and H is going to have to learn how to better handle and express those situations.
Have you considered and crafted any boundaries? Made rational and thoughtful decisions of behaviour(s) you find disrespectful and what action you would take in such a situation? This decision making is done when calm and free of such stimuli.
Something along the lines of: H, I am willing to discuss your frustrations and problems, even listen to you vent. However, when you yell “about” me, not to me, about me, on the phone I feel deeply disrespected. When you do this, I will hang up the phone.
Originally Posted by jessieht
I am really trying. I can tell it is all just projection but it is hard to not defend or at least want to try and explain yourself. I can take a good ass chewing when I know it is my fault but it has always been a hard thing for me when people are convinced I am doing stuff that I am not.
Some caring advice:
Stop trying and start doing. Do or do not, there is no try.
Look to that which you state after “but”. It is usually some form of justification or reasoning for what proceeds it and/or our inaction to do what we know we should.
“…it is hard to not defend or at least want to try and explain yourself.”
Stop trying.
Do.
And the best way to do that. Be. Live it.
Your best defence by far, your best explanation by far, is consistent demonstrated behaviour. Live your convictions and values. Let them shine.
“…it has always been a hard thing for me when people are convinced I am doing stuff that I am not.”
And how has that gone for you? Anyone ever change their misguided opinion about you from your words? Or did you have better success through actions and demonstrated efforts?
A bit of wisdom from an older guy: Nothing you do matters, and everything you do does.
You cannot change or force anyone to see you or “their” world in any particular way. People see through their own lens. For those willing and capable of seeing other and other’s viewpoints, they grow and learn.
If one is firmly convinced about you or something (like flat earth), there is nothing you can do to control that. You can influence a bit, yet their growth and change is upon them. Realize their being convinced about you, actually speak volumes about them.
Our need to defend, explain, and such is based upon our need to control. Let go that need. You only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Always. In that manner, there is no unfulfilled “need” to actually let go of. The true underlying “need” is needing others see your viewpoint.
This underlying need is our ego. That need to be right. Let that go. Realize people have their own truths. You need not fill your self worth with the crumbs of others and how they see you.
Know thy self.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
People react to scary news in different ways. Some will listen and be polite about receiving the news from others, some will react like your h did and others will go into panic mode. If this type of situation occurs again, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and hang up. You do not need to justify why you called. You did the right thing in notifying him. When he calms down, he may very well apologize. Some just sweep the episode under the carpet.
Right now, he doesn't really know how to deal with the news about his grandparents. You have to remember, he's in crisis still and they react to news, positive or negative, differently than we do.
Continue as you have been. Just be yourself. You did nothing wrong in contacting him. He needed to know.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
