Yes I know I let it get to me more than I should have. It never fails when I get overwhelmed at work during the Holidays that I slip more on just letting things go and looking at the bigger picture. Usually after a big old crying spell after things get built up I can calm down and look at things a bit better. When I got home he did do a lot of cleaning and got some groceries. (Which is my love language). he has not hardly done that since being home or ever for that matter so I take that as his way of smoothing things over without him actually apologizing. He has always had a hard time with verbal communication like that.
When your h does something be sure to let him know that you appreciate it. They didn't get positive affirmation when they were young, so it helps to recognize their efforts when they are positive.
When things get to be too much, take a walk, a nice drive also helps. Doing something for you will help you overcome that "overwhelmed" feeling. Life is difficult at times, but when you have someone you love in crisis, it gets even more difficult because people do not understand what is going on w/him and the situation. Most people will want you to walk away from the relationship and find someone new. Until they have walked a mile in your shoes, they will not understand.
Learn to stop and smell the roses, breathe and each day, find something to be thankful for. Make a list of activities/hobbies that you would like to start in the new year. These activities are for you and you alone. If your h shows an interest and wants to participate, he will ask to join you. If he doesn't, then do them on your own. They are for you and your sanity. When someone returns home, this is the hardest part of the journey. Why? Because we want them to be back to normal asap and it sure doesn't work that way. It takes months and even maybe years for some of them.
Dig deeper for patience and understanding. He has to work through his issues and heal. Be kind to yourself and keep your expectations at zero at all times. Remember to breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job nailed it. I will add one thing. Stay busy! The LBSs that struggle there must do GAL the least. Sitting and stewing in your own juices will keep you stuck for much longer. Get it and move your own life forward.
Last edited by SteveLW; 12/05/2302:22 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes the people wanting you to just walk away is hard. Ironically I work with two people that have been though this that I work with. My Boss was the first one to tell me it was mlc. Her and her husband were divorced for two years and she can relate to almost all I am going through. Funny enough I also know her husbands affair partner. They both divorced their spouses and both remarried their spouses. My boss and her husband after two years and his affair partner and her husband after 5 years.
Also a coworker that her husband had a hard upbringing and he went nuts for 7 years after he started an affair and she got him on drugs. He never left but they lost everything and it resulted in a baby girl. He finally broke down the other night crying and promising to fix everything he has ever put her through.
I will say like you said it is almost harder when they first come home. I do need to work on GAL more for sure. It has just been hard because I have so much on me with the kids, work, bills and our property. But I need to make time for myself. I have done much better on actually buying myself things. I never used to and everything that I made went to kids and family stuff. I am not ashamed of that but have realized that I was neglecting myself a lot.
I have really worked on letting him know that I do appreciate when he does things since he has been home. And yes, I sure am impatient for a normal relationship at home. My adult son is moving out in two weeks and as odd as it is I think that will help. I will at least take one thing that he uses as an excuse for us to not work out away. He is running out of them. (reasonable ones at least lol).
As far as going out with friends it is a high rope act. He doesn't like it when I am not home but I guess if he doesn't he may try and fix things. And he doesn't like it when I am just at home really either so I cant really win with that So I might as well be having fun.
I do run into issues with smart contact as far as just everyday stuff. He doesn't really like me just calling or txting for just conversation or everyday stuff but if i don't he says he he feels like I don't want to talk to him. And in those times I will tell him I am not sure what to do, assure Him that I do like to talk to him but that I don't want to push. but it is super awkward. All i can do is pray that his fogged up mind clears and we are able to work on things.
Well a little update over the holidays. My H and Son 20 (not his bio son) got in a huge argument about two weeks before christmas. of course my sone truth truth darts at him for what he has done to me. I left and went outside. h came out and made sure and tell me "See thats what yu raised in there. I total screw up" I didn't respond. I did tell him later that I knew he wasn't the one to start it and he handled it well to start with. he then gave me the ultimatum that if if I wanted to show him i was willing to make changes I would make my sone move out. and made sure and throw in that he is only home for the kids but even that isn't worth it anymore. my sone was scheduled to move out in two days anyways. my son stayed at home that night but felt uncomfortable and wanted to get away so I got him a hotel with a hot tub so he could get some alone and rest time before moving.
After that he did call and apologize for yelling at me and talked to my son some over text and said he commends him for trying to protect me.
since then has been decent, he still will blow up and a few times literally run out of the living room and slam the bedroom door like my 6yo does. I have not responded to any of these actions and probably about 10 minutes after he is normally back out and acting normal. He has also started being very paranoid about stuff at the house. we live way out in the country so during the day we normally dont lock the door while we are home and going in and out. he now locks and double checks all the deadbolts and sleeps with his rifle by his bead. he isn't sleeping hardly at all unless we are all at home and he is in the living room in his chair. he was also always a back sleeper. now he is in such a wrapped up fetal position its like a little ball. he cycles with his clothing and the "normal" lasts longer than the homeless look but it still goes back and forth a lot.
we had christmas eve with his fathers side and he was nice to us but took every chance to yell and belittle his father for anything possible. He did get me a gift that he was exited about though. I didn't expect that. Nothing big just a new crock pot that he knew I was needing.
the rest of christmas was spent at a cabin with his moms side of the family. we were at a cabin and had to share a room. the first time sleeping in the same room in 16 months since bd and him leaving for the ow. it also marked him being home for 3 months. he was nice but distant to start with but then made some comments about making sure I was comfortable. I am always freezing cold and he asked if i wanted him to turn up the heat. i told him I wound be ok because if he did everyone else would be to hot. he said " well I dont care about everyone else"/ It was a small thing and I dont want to look to into it but about the only time in years he has put my needs over his family. then towards the end he came and sat next to me on the sofa. he has only done that one day since bd and that was back in april. any other time he will sit as far away from me as possible. then he had to work the last night and I got a horrible sinus headache and he offered to run me out medicine. something that he wouldn't do even before bd for a year or so.
His mother on the other hand was super rude to me and the other sons wife but she made sure and didnt do it while my husband was there so he never seen it.
so all in all it was good. he is still very withdrawn but has made some small plans for things he wants to do at the house. even saying his nanny should come and put here trailer there at our house after his pappa passes. said me and her could do a garden and raise some chickens together. so I think those are some positives.
me on the other hand have been struggling with patients. I have been doing a lot for myself but to be honest i am tired of being a wife to some one that is hardly a husband. yes this last few weeks have been better but I still feel like he is taking advantage of the situation. I want to talk to him about where we are but know I cant and I have to let that come from him but I am just struggling with anger lately because i just see him sweeping this under the rug like he always has with so many other issues. I need to get to the gym to get my anger out. I know I will be ok in a day or so but this last few days I am just done. I know we have a long way left to go. and I do see it going back to how he was as far as treating me to when it was bad just before bd. I have read it is like a balloon and it changes and goes up and then goes backwards but with changes (and a lot more damage) down to the normal, he was in this 1 1.2 to 2 years pre bd so I guess it will take at least that long to get better.
I understand the frustration and anger you are experiencing. Find something physical to do, like beating the crap out of a pillow, taking a walk and screaming at the top of your lungs, beat the crap out of a pot...anything that will help alleviate some of that frustration and anger.
He sounds like he is still depressed and still a confused bunny. I know that watching and hearing him act out tends to try your patience, but he is still a 13 year old attempting to be independent and get his way. Yes, your man/child has to grow up and I bet that whatever stunted his growth took place around the age of 13.
As for his mother and family, let it go. They have to live with themselves for the way that they trat people. Lady Karma has a way of working things out, just not on our timeline.
Holidays are stressful for us sane people, but for crisis people, the wires are disconnected in their heads and arcing all over the place.
Continue to do for you. Keep the focus on you and the things that make you happy at this time.
May the new year be a better one for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
its funny you mention 13. the two children I see in him is a very small child and a 13-14 year old. his mother abandoned him very young and at 13 resurfaced and he went to live with her. started drinking and doing drugs to the point his grandparents would have to go pick him up when the cops would find him past out in town. his mother would not go get him. His sister has told him after bd that the reason all of them are messed up like they are is because of her. he doesn't like that. he very much wants her love and validation that he didn't get.
he also has ptsd and a lot of survivors guilt so the holidays have always been hard for him.
thank you for your reply. i sure hope he will come out of it and isn't one to get stuck.
Well, that explains a lot of what is going on with him. He was emotionally stunted at a very early age and needs to go back to that age to figure out the whys of things. He needs to understand that none of it was his fault and when he can accept that, he will then start to grow up. It's going to take some time for him to accept that he could not change the past and what happened with his mother.
He did a lot of rebelling at a young age and it was a cry for help. A cry to attention and affirmation.
I hope and pray that his mother will finally realize her role in all of this and apologize to him for abandoning him, but she doesn't sound like she's one that will do that.
Dig deeper for patience. You might want to wander over the Midlife Crisis forum and read some of the postings there. There is quite a lot of information there that may help you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
