I've been leaning on sandi2's various discussions for LBHs with WW since finding the forums, and her insights in many cases describe my situation perfectly. However, my wife in not in an active A as far as I know and is not the one advocating for D, so some of the guidance doesn't suit my sitch exactly (or does it? correct me if needed).
I do think that removing my time and attention, focusing on GAL, "opening the cage door", and doing what is best for me and my kids makes obvious sense. But when it comes to dealing with disrespect I have a question. My wife tends to go out and stay out late, and I anticipate she will do so this weekend at her holiday party. In the past I had told her that staying out until 2am was inappropriate and not okay with me, and that is still the case and would be for me in any future relationship. The advice here for H with WW seems to be to "take your balls back" and no longer tolerate acts of disrespect, but also to detach and let the WW go and live their life.
So if I stay home with my kids while my W is out until the wee hours, aren't I tolerating a form of disrespect and giving my W the logistical comfort of a MR?
Hi Maturin and welcome. I hear what you're struggling with related to establishing and enforcing various boundaries. I'd suggest thinking about "opening the cage door" and including some "invisible fencing" to address when a boundary gets broken. If you are the one home with your kids while your wife is out until the wee hours all the time and you've clearly communicated a boundary around this behavior, then let's think about what meaningful action you could consider taking. I'm not saying I've mastered this by far. Worst case scenario, maybe you do file for D. Filing doesn't mean it goes forward. But, it does show you meant it when you said you had boundaries (like no affairs, perpetually staying out after 2 am, etc.). I admit it is the nuclear option. On the lower end of the scale, are there any things you currently do for her that you can STOP doing in direct response to her behavior? For example, some Hs handle certain tasks for their Ws. Maybe it is time to "resign" from providing those courtesies. Just trying to get some brainstorming started. Best of luck.
I've been leaning on sandi2's various discussions for LBHs with WW since finding the forums, and her insights in many cases describe my situation perfectly. However, my wife in not in an active A as far as I know and is not the one advocating for D, so some of the guidance doesn't suit my sitch exactly (or does it? correct me if needed).
I do think that removing my time and attention, focusing on GAL, "opening the cage door", and doing what is best for me and my kids makes obvious sense. But when it comes to dealing with disrespect I have a question. My wife tends to go out and stay out late, and I anticipate she will do so this weekend at her holiday party. In the past I had told her that staying out until 2am was inappropriate and not okay with me, and that is still the case and would be for me in any future relationship. The advice here for H with WW seems to be to "take your balls back" and no longer tolerate acts of disrespect, but also to detach and let the WW go and live their life.
So if I stay home with my kids while my W is out until the wee hours, aren't I tolerating a form of disrespect and giving my W the logistical comfort of a MR?
So it sounds like to me that you are trying to control her. You keep talking about behavior that she does that is unacceptable to you ie. sleeping with other men, drinking, staying out late etc. She keeps doing these and nothing changes. What is her motive to stop doing these behaviors?
So it sounds like to me that you are trying to control her. You keep talking about behavior that she does that is unacceptable to you ie. sleeping with other men, drinking, staying out late etc. She keeps doing these and nothing changes. What is her motive to stop doing these behaviors?
This is the main reason I am here. Over the last few years my wife has essentially called my bluff on these "boundaries" and whenever I told her I found the behavior was inappropriate, she doubled down and partied harder. As a result I withdrew, focused on GAL, and began to see objectively how unhealthy the MR had become. Once she finally came clean about the A it was clear to me things were broken and it seemed D was the only path out of this mess. I don't want D, but I've accepted that perhaps its the best option right now.
The only real difference is now that I've been exposed to DR and the info here on the forums, I feel more comfortable with the patience part of things: I am not in a rush to D, and am taking things one step at a time. Right now the focus is on detaching, and being the most optimistic/attractive I can be (for me, not for her or the MR).
This is the main reason I am here. Over the last few years my wife has essentially called my bluff on these "boundaries" and whenever I told her I found the behavior was inappropriate, she doubled down and partied harder.
Your goal is to get to a place where your boundaries are not bluffable. You have them to protect yourself and you enforce them when necessary. This will take a long time and a lot or hard work.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Right now the focus is on detaching, and being the most optimistic/attractive I can be (for me, not for her or the MR).
Perfect! Firs thing to implement is a schedule for who is looking after the children. One weekend on and one weekend off. When she is looking after the children you are out GAL like a madman.
Maturin, I want to explore a little bit more about if infidelity is a deal breaker for you or not. Lots of LBSs have that as a deal breaker........ Until it becomes reality. Then out of fear of what comes next, vthey cave and it's no longer a deal breaker.
Yes, marriages can and have healed after infidelity. But just because that's a possibility doesn't mean it's no longer a deal breaker for you
So the question I have is this: is it still a deal breaker and you're just afraid of what that means? Or are you really willing to do the hard work necessary, and require it of her too, in order to heal from it? And please do not gloss over the second part of that. Requiring hard work from her is absolutely necessary. Marriages do not heal from infidelity without the cheater agreeing to work at it too. If you're willing to accept it without her owning it and working then that means you are giving it up as a deal breaker out of fear.
Anything you do out of fear from this point forward will not end well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry to hear this is happening. What a terrible situation.
So basically, your W is choosing to drink, go out, sleep with other men, treat you like garbage, and neglect her kids. Not only that, but she tells you she's going to continue doing those things.
Sorry for this 2x4, but you need to find your balls. Not only for you, but for your children. Do you really want your kids seeing this kind of behavior?
I'm so sick of seeing this crap from women, especially mothers. Her going out, getting drunk, and doing God knows what (or who) while you sit home taking care of the kids is probably the most selfish pathetic thing a person can do.
This certainly isn't what you want to hear, and it's just my opinion. But if I were you I would document everything that is happening and has happened. Keep a log or journal of how much time you spend with the kids, how often she goes out 'partying', all of the drunken fights she starts, if/how it effects the kids, etc.
Buy a digital recorder and make sure it's running during any interactions with her. Especially during her drunken tirades. All she needs to do is call 911 and say she feels threatened, and you're out of the house w/ a TRO against you, will have no contact with your kids, etc.
You said she's a SAHM. How's she getting the money to go out raging? Cut that money source off. All that money that she spends going out, put in an account for yourself. Hell, hide it under a mattress or in the backyard.
Talk to a lawyer. Talk to several lawyers. Find one that is willing to fight for full custody.
Make no mention of Divorce to your wife, ever again. She's already called your bluff on that. Get your ducks in a row and file. Go for full custody. In my opinion, that's the only thing that may snap her out of this.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I'm so sick of seeing this crap from women, especially mothers. Her going out, getting drunk, and doing God knows what (or who) while you sit home taking care of the kids is probably the most selfish pathetic thing a person can do.
I'm so sick of seeing this crap from women, especially mothers. Her going out, getting drunk, and doing God knows what (or who) while you sit home taking care of the kids is probably the most selfish pathetic thing a person can do.
Do you think this is just a woman thing?
Of course not. But statistically, women are checking out of marriages in record numbers nowadays
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I'm so sick of seeing this crap from women, especially mothers. Her going out, getting drunk, and doing God knows what (or who) while you sit home taking care of the kids is probably the most selfish pathetic thing a person can do.
Do you think this is just a woman thing?
Of course not. But statistically, women are checking out of marriages in record numbers nowadays
I hear what you are saying Terrapin and I can tell by your posts you are a red pill guy who quotes that 80% of divorces are initiated by women. What it doesn't tell you is why they are filing for divorce. Many file because they don't want to be with someone they are no longer attracted to because men typically become complacent in marriages. I spoke to a MC once who had been doing it for 30 years and he said he never once saw a woman leave a healthy, strong secure man. So my view wasn't to mope and complain that all women are no good and will eventually leave, my view was to become the healthy, strong secure man that a woman would never want to leave.
The choice is yours. Learn from your mistakes or mope around on how you've been done dirty by your XW and women are evil.
I can tell you that when you find a good woman who sees you and treats you like a King, there is no better feeling in the world.
