My wife left me. I need help!

[broken89]

Implement as many of your changes as quickly as you can. The longer you stay the same, the less chance of busting the divorce.

I totally understand the need to focus on myself and learn to be emotionally independent from my W and also re-learn who I am as a person without her. I am however struggling with finding the balance between needing to experience new things and step outside of my comfort zone while also not necessarily wanting to completely change who I am as a person if that makes sense.

I mentioned that I am an introvert at heart. I've always been OK with it, it's not like it feels like I am missing something. Socializing has always been emotionally draining to me. I get trying to better myself as a person, but I am also comfortable with who I am and want someone who will love me for who I am if that makes sense.

I'm not sure I see the appeal in trying to become someone completely different just to get my wife's (or other women) attention. Maybe I'm thinking of this the wrong way? Curious to get everybody's thoughts on this.

[DnJ]

Good Morning b89

Absolutely! Do not try to become someone you are not in attempt to woo W back, or attract someone new.

Dig into yourself. What makes you tick. Then consider those deeply held convictions and values. Do they work for you? Do they foster peace and joy and contentment? Are those tenets actually what you are after?

Most folks get a bit stagnated in work and marriage. Kids, work, spouse, etc. Life gets in a groove. Like a song on repeat. Stepping out of that well worn groove is a positive thing. A 180. For you.

Pick up an old hobby you set aside. Do some things you’ve wanted to do. Do some things you’ve been to scared or timid to do. Do some things that push your comfort zone. This is not stuff to go against your core self, nor go against your moral self.

Go out for diner to a nice restaurant, alone. Sit there, by yourself. Order, and enjoy, your meal.

Things like that. For years we spouses defined ourselves by our marriage and coupling. Husband and father. We further define ourselves by our occupation. Find you. Discover and define who b89 is.

Counterintuitively, finding your definition free from marriage, kids, work, etc, strengthens those very convictions you hold dear.

Of course, a lifetime of bias and prejudice has some ugly baggage too. Examine that as well.

Organize and categorize yourself. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And discard or alter that which does not serve.

In this manner, any changes you want are because of you. Those changes will have a much higher probability of becoming permanent because of a deep connection to self rather than some attempt or win affection. It’s more growth, than a complete makeover.

Yes, we all want someone to love us for who we are. First, you need to know who you are.

D

[MrP]

B89, I understand what you mean about not changing who you are as a person. It might help to think about doing the things that are the "best" of you in some cases. MWD talks about the "you" that your spouse was originally attracted to. What are the things that bring you the most joy, fun, and pleasure (w/o your spouse)? In some cases, it can also mean what new interests might you try to also generate similar feelings? Or feelings like peace, relaxation, and contentment.

For me, (an ambi-vert who has to be extroverted for work but inherently introverted), going to different public libraries for HOURS is one of my favorite personal things to do. I also have a long overdue comic book grading and selling project that I've picked back up. Long walks in some public parks I'm less familiar with are another favorite. I'll take in a sports game at a local bar crowded with people I don't know, at least for a beer and a meal. Try to mix it up while you get a sense for what you're enjoying.

And, if you're W asks where you're heading, you simply say "Out" or "To run a few personal errands". As little as possible because this is 1) all yours and 2) meant to get her wondering.

Good luck. Welcome to this community. It is as you likely already see one of great help and care.

[broken89]

What are the things that bring you the most joy, fun, and pleasure (w/o your spouse)? In some cases, it can also mean what new interests might you try to also generate similar feelings? Or feelings like peace, relaxation, and contentment.

I am somewhat struggling with this because my equilibrium in life was always my W and my work and building our life together. That made me 100% fulfilled. We both grew into adults together.

I have to learn who I am without her and this is so difficult to do. I think the best answer for me is to rediscover creative endeavors. It has always helped me process and sort through my feelings.

And, if you're W asks where you're heading.

That won't happened. She moved out 2 weeks ago and isn't showing any interest in me.

I can't help but resent the fact that she walked out on me knowing damn well that I have nobody else around and that my family is 6,000 miles away. Something I would have never done to her.

I am not sure what she has told her family, but that same family who had been mine for the last 12+ years and welcomed me with opened arms has not checked in on me once since then. The abrupt change in normalcy and realization that my life is changed forever is so hard for me to process.

I had a good 3 day streak this week, but the last two have been really really tough. I am feeling sad and still looking for answers. How can she not care? How is she so insensitive?

I would also like to bring up a point that I have seen many bring up that doesn't quite seem to apply to my sitch. There seem to be a common theme that a lot of men were too easy going and always trying to please their W in the relationship and that a man is only attractive when he leads. I think the opposite is true for me. I have always been strong willed (and unfortunately a bit selfish at times). I know what I want and I can be a bit of a control freak. I have obviously acknowledged it many times and tried to work on myself, but too little too late. Not sure how I can turn this around and how she would even notice.

Having this community to vent and get thoughtful feedback from has been tremendously helpful. I can't thank y'all enough for sharing your own experiences and helping me through this. I know it feels like I'm dwelling on things, but I'm trying not too. As you all know, some days are inevitably harder than others and I'm still early in this journey.

[Boat14]

Strong willed, selfish, and a control freak are not positive traits of a good leader. Sounds like delving into the differences can be a positive next step. The first question I also ask to a “control freak” is what are you afraid of happening if you don’t have control?

[broken89]

Strong willed, selfish, and a control freak are not positive traits of a good leader. Sounds like delving into the differences can be a positive next step. The first question I also ask to a “control freak” is what are you afraid of happening if you don’t have control?

Fair point Boat14. Not having control of a situation brings me lots of anxiety.

[Boat14]

So I’m guessing here so it’s up to you to decide if I’m onto something or I’m wrong. Since your entire life revolved around here you were afraid of her leaving so you tried to control who she hung out with, where she went and what she did?

[broken89]

So I’m guessing here so it’s up to you to decide if I’m onto something or I’m wrong. Since your entire life revolved around here you were afraid of her leaving so you tried to control who she hung out with, where she went and what she did?

Yes and no. I was never afraid of her leaving me because I never thought this would be a possibility. I will admit that when she hung out with other people I took it personally (as in she would rather do something with somebody else).

I am well aware that this is wrong and something I need to work on. Highlighting my bad traits and shortcomings can make it seem like we had a toxic relationship but it was far from it. We always had a fantastic emotional and physical connection (although this did erode in the last 1.5 year) and were very supportive of each other. I had her back at all times. I never tried to control her dreams, career choices, or anything like that. I think it was more the small everyday life things. She was always easy going and up for anything to please me and I was not She grew tired of that and I wish I would have seen how much it affected her sooner.

I guess the silver lining is that I am very introspective, well aware of where I went wrong and do want to work on becoming a better person.

[Boat14]

Yeah so being someone’s sole support system in every avenue of life can be a lot of pressure on a person. She probably started venting to OM and one thing led to another and a full blown affair is born.

Unfortunately in life there often time’s consequences to our mistakes. That is what this board is about, to learn from them and move forward.

[bustorama]

Hey Broken,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Please understand that your focus, counterintuitive as it may seem, should not be on fixing your marriage. That relationship is gone (along with your wife, replaced by the alien before you).

It should be on fixing yourself.

I hear many opportunities for growth. You've touched on several of them:

1. Anxiety (about?)
2. Co-dependent on WAW for sense of self and emotional equilibrium
3. Insecure/sensitive/took personally when significant other wanted to do stuff with other people
4. Isolated with no other social network/support system here
5. Low self confidence
6. Controlling
7. Selfish
8. Strong willed/stubborn
9. Stagnated in some ways exploring your self and creativity

What is your plan to work on each of these?

Also, in your introspection, go a bit deeper -- you said -- "I had her back at all times." But, did you really -- if you did not have her back for the "everyday small things"? They may have been small to you, but they were every day to her. It's important to accept the full magnitude of where we went wrong in order to change them for future relationships.

And, while it seems to you that she changed overnight, have no doubt that she did not. There were months or possibly years of her feeling mistreated. She may not have voiced it, or maybe you did not hear it.

Also consider that your very desire to get back together at this time is also selfish and controlling, since she is not showing the same interest. It's about what you want. Would you want another loved one of yours (daughter, mother, friend) to rejoin a relationship that she was trying to escape from?

You also mention resentment that she walked out and left you high and dry, that her family has not checked in on you once, that how can she be so caring and insensitive, and that you want to turn this around and have her notice.

Do you see how all of these are about how YOU feel and what YOU would like to happen? We ALL came here for that selfish reason -- hurt and wanting to stay married, when our spouses no longer wanted us. I get that it can be so hard not to indulge these negative feelings, because they feel suffocating -- such profound loss and traumatic breaking of a self-defining attachment.

A big part of healing from the bomb is not indulging these feelings because they can interfere with us moving on and growing. Setting them aside helps us to more clearly see our part in breaking the relationship and also to understand, accept, and validate our WAWs POV. And, we can then be more honest to change ourselves through action.

While I get that it can leave you feeling more drained than when you started, one of the useful aspects of developing new relationships and getting a life with others outside the home is that it not only distracts you from the setbacks and negative emotions, but it also will allow you to work on the above aspects of yourself. Consider that many of the weaknesses that you have identified in yourself relate to the way that you relate to others (many coming from a place of anxiety or low-self esteem).

It will be hard to work on these weaknesses alone when many of them are in how you relate to close others.

You can work alone to understand your sources of anxiety and alternative ways to cope. But, in order to prevail in your circumstance you ultimately will need to change your ways of relating as well.

And that takes practice.

Also consider that you have no social network/support system here because you have avoided building one due to your introversion and co-dependent relationship with your WAW. So, it seems that working to build a social network would be a 180 that would address a weakness you've identified. It does not mean that you need to become an extrovert. In fact, there are Meetups and Facebook groups dedicated to introverts.

You can do great things to better yourself now. Go deeper than a different scent. A different self.

You can do this.