Jessie, you cannot allow all this to be swept under the rug. You should not even entertain him returning to the marriage without dealing with everything. This is why it's important to have requirements for reconciliation. Now, most LBSs, and LBWs in particular, bristle at this notion. They see it as a barrier to reconciliation, and so out of fear won't do this.
Here is the thing, if you do not require certain things from him before you consider reconciling then you will simply be kicking the can down the road, and you'll be setting yourself up for another bomb day.
Some suggestions:
He agrees to IC to deal with his PTSD. He agrees to MC. He agrees to full transparency. This means you gave full access to his accounts and devices. He agrees to a mutual tracking app on your phones.
This is important Jessie. Have the list ready to go in case he continues towards wanting to reconcile.
Trust me on this one, not having a plan in place like this is setting you up for future pain. I've been there and.done that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My XW displayed/displays distinct ages or personalities as well. Mostly she is a brash 18 year old. I knew her during this age and her behaviour is as I recall, just more rebellious and teenager-like. With pressure or confrontation she withdrawals and becomes her when she was 13. More pressure and she’ll revert to a young girl of 7.
In each of the ages, she is “living” then. It’s like time travel. Long ago events and memories are like present day to her. Very rarely has she “been” her true age.
A few times this wild transformation was witnessed by me, my BF, and one of my sons. It’s one of the spookiest things I’ve ever seen. Years ago now, her pod-person 18 year old was berating me and discussing/directing me of her divorce plans. I mentioned and defended how our relationship of 31 years was full of love, not like she is describing.
W somewhat ignored and continued, then stopped mid sentence. Her face brightened. Her eyes sparkled. Color returned to her face. And W was there again. She said, yes, there was love. We were happy.
She spoke for about 20 seconds. Wife. Mom. Witnessed by us. Then something within her reached up. Her face contorted, the color drained from her cheeks, back to gray ashen, her eyes became black and lifeless, and she picked up her conversation right where she left off - mid sentence.
The three of us all looked at each other. We all were like - did you just see that?!?
These ages are times of trauma(s) is these crisis peoples lives. Trauma they experienced from someone in a position of authority. Trauma they could not understand, nor accept at such a tender immature young age. Hurts from the very people that were suppose to protect them.
Children are very egocentric. The world revolves around them. And as such, they incorrectly assign blame and ownership of this trauma to themselves. Compound this with the neglect and gaslighting and fear based swearing them to silence and they have some pretty serious mental and emotional anguish.
They are young. Their immature minds and souls cannot deal with such horrible events, so they bury them.
Denial, is a normal response when something is too great and would shatter one’s psyche. The normal course is as one heals, one uncovers bit by bit of their loss so they can heal and accept it. For these youngsters, that is not the case. They are immature and, through no fault of their own, just bury it. And things buried alive, come back to haunt!
Around midlife, with the pressure of mortality and all, those demons come back. No longer will they remain silenced. The crisis person is consumed by long ago, forgotten, and unrealized trauma(s). The pain and anguish, they have no understanding of why it would be. They simply cannot understand or accept its from them, from their past, and “blame” and “run” from their spouse, marriage, kids, pets, family, friends, work, life, etc. None of which can actually fix them, for none of which broken them.
These lost souls need to heal and grow up from that time. Need to see and understand that they were not at fault. That they are not the fault. It’s a tough road, a painful road, and they run from it. Some do, in time, figure themselves out and face their past. Others do not. Their journey is on their timeline.
As LBS, one should be mostly pressure-free, while not being a doormat. It’s very important to uphold your values and boundaries. Like a rebellious teenager, the spouse will push and test, for they need to know that you are assured and strong in your convictions and care.
You’ve seen the teenager behaviour from H. His manner of dress. His behaviour. They relive their time(s), seeking and hopefully finding understanding and acceptance of it.
Originally Posted by jessieht
[I] have been struggling with patients. I have been doing a lot for myself but to be honest i am tired of being a wife to some one that is hardly a husband. yes this last few weeks have been better but I still feel like he is taking advantage of the situation. I want to talk to him about where we are but know I cant and I have to let that come from him but I am just struggling with anger lately because i just see him sweeping this under the rug like he always has with so many other issues. I need to get to the gym to get my anger out. I know I will be ok in a day or so but this last few days I am just done. I know we have a long way left to go. and I do see it going back to how he was as far as treating me to when it was bad just before bd. I have read it is like a balloon and it changes and goes up and then goes backwards but with changes (and a lot more damage) down to the normal, he was in this 1 1.2 to 2 years pre bd so I guess it will take at least that long to get better.
Yes, patience is a struggle. Dig deep my dear.
It’s wearisome to be in such a lopsided relationship. H is “currently” barely a husband. Remember, time travel. H, back then, wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, and likely didn’t even know you. That’s a crisis person’s emotional state. And how they can seemingly behave and act so indifferently.
Even though it’s seldom shown, their emotions are cranked to eleven, and there is simply no bandwidth for you nor anyone else most of the present time. As they heal, their emotions get slowly dialled down, and they start to feel towards others again. Their progress is a slow process, and quite hidden from view.
Continue to be kind and cordial, and not a doormat. Be pressure free, open to dialog, yet let him mostly lead the conversation; as you’ve been doing.
GAL, exercise, focus on you, etc are all excellent for your mental and emotional health. And provide excellent influence towards H. Living well, and letting (making) him catch up to you. Keep moving forward is really your best path.
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Jessie, you cannot allow all this to be swept under the rug. You should not even entertain him returning to the marriage without dealing with everything. This is why it's important to have requirements for reconciliation. Now, most LBSs, and LBWs in particular, bristle at this notion. They see it as a barrier to reconciliation, and so out of fear won't do this.
This.
If someone can get something very easily/cheaply/without any effort, how much are they going to cherish and value it?
YOU ARE THE PRIZE HERE.
As SteveLW says, anything else is just moving the problem down the road a year or two.
So this last weekend he referred to himself as my husband for the first time in 16 months and the next day introduced me as his wife twice to people he works with for the first time in a long time. I will take those as wins. still doing covert controlling behaviors and will walk past me many times even if I am speaking to him like I am not there but I am trying to look at progress in months not days. we are defiantly better than we were. When he was first coming around he was really good and then fell of to the baiting and controlling but even the 8 stages book says they will do that.
The odd thing is that i am seeing so many personalities in him right now. he is so so confused and is making mistakes in every day things that he was so ocd about all of his life. it is odd but I am just giving space and time right now. I know I will not live in this limbo Hell forever but for now I am working on me and will see if he will catch up or not.
I see a lot in your post about him. Tell us more about you, what you are doing and focusing on? Haver your thought any more about my last post? What are your requirements for reconciliation?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes, I am working on a lot of things. I quit school at 15 to help my family with bills so I never got my diploma. with my job now I don't need it and am doing well but I am getting my ged just for me so I cab say I did it. I also Just bought myself my first new car. when my h left I was absolutely destitute with finances. I came back to my old job and worked my butt off to pay off most of my debt and do good for the kids and I and was finally able to get my new car. it may have been an irresponsible choice for a mom and I guess you could say I am going throe my own mlc with getting a challenger but I have always wanted one. (at least it isn't a red convertible). So I am doing those things and working on a few side gigs to get going while it is winter and then will start doing ore gardening and stuff with my horses in the summer. I don't have a lot of friends so not much on social life but I like to be home with my kids anyway. I am A firefighter with my local vfd so at least I have those guys but of course those are all more of a work relationship but I know I have help when I need it. But that is all about me. day by day I realize that I am more than just the deputies wife and I have a lot to be proud of myself for.
ps i wright out my posts by talk to text on my phone. lol. I really will pass my test. My grammar and writing isn't as bad in real life as it is on the forum.
Yes, I am working on a lot of things. I quit school at 15 to help my family with bills so I never got my diploma. with my job now I don't need it and am doing well but I am getting my ged just for me so I cab say I did it. I also Just bought myself my first new car. when my h left I was absolutely destitute with finances. I came back to my old job and worked my butt off to pay off most of my debt and do good for the kids and I and was finally able to get my new car. it may have been an irresponsible choice for a mom and I guess you could say I am going throe my own mlc with getting a challenger but I have always wanted one. (at least it isn't a red convertible). So I am doing those things and working on a few side gigs to get going while it is winter and then will start doing ore gardening and stuff with my horses in the summer. I don't have a lot of friends so not much on social life but I like to be home with my kids anyway. I am A firefighter with my local vfd so at least I have those guys but of course those are all more of a work relationship but I know I have help when I need it. But that is all about me. day by day I realize that I am more than just the deputies wife and I have a lot to be proud of myself for.
Love this.
So he's a cop? Have you seen the divorce rate for officers? The average number of marriages officers end up having?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't have a lot of friends so not much on social life but....
One of the posters (DNJ??) has challenged other posters to stop using the BUT statements. Finding friends takes effort. While I was going through my sitch, one of my 180's was to engage more with everyone I interacted with. My friend base has expanded by doing this.
Originally Posted by jessieht
I like to be home with my kids anyway.
Seek ballance. Adult interactions are important as well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One of the posters (DNJ??) has challenged other posters to stop using the BUT statements.
Yes, I am one of the folks who does promote less use of the word “but”. But, usually concatenated two contrasting viewpoints in order to reinforce or demonstrate the perceived impossibility of other views or change. For folks going through such a life upheaval as these situations, limiting possibilities is less helpful. Also, but is sometimes used to justify something that one knows they should not do, or would be better not doing.
My caution regarding word choice (our minds are always listening and will craft one’s reality as one asks) is not judgmental; it is for one to see, or foresee, their reasoning. Seeing more clearly and therefore making better and clearer statements and decisions going forward.
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I don't have a lot of friends so not much on social life but I like to be home with my kids anyway.
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I don't have a lot of friends so not much on social life.
I like being home with my kids.
But ties things together when they really are separate. Don’t want to tie your social life with being home with kids. That can lead to resentments. For example, kids have something come up - school, birthday, whatever - and you need to look after them. But I was going to go to the movies. But I had plans. But I…
Kids are important. Your social life is important. True, there is a hierarchy, yet both can exist and be balanced. “But” not only allows the current status quo, it reinforces it incorrectly. Prevents you from discovering wonderful opportunities and possibilities.
Your coworkers on the volunteer fire department sound like good folks. You have a good working relationship with them. And they have your back. Keep “but” out of it. Don’t muddy it up on yourself. (IMHO )
Originally Posted by jesseiht
Day by day I realize that I am more than just the deputies wife and I have a lot to be proud of myself for.
Absolutely!
A firefighter. Getting your GED. Paying off your debts. Purchased a new car. Looking after your kids. Fantastic. Good for you! Quite the gal.
Originally Posted by jesseiht
I really will pass my test.
I’ve no doubt!
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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