Thanks for the feedback (and a laugh) Kind. Yeah, I did think "At this point, she'd probably tell me that the water I give her isn't wet enough." We can be so beat up coming into this process that resetting our understanding of what is reasonable becomes a challenge. One thing I find valuable about this forum is the ability to get feedback from uninvolved, third parties (you good folks).
R2C, I really appreciate it. Like any other test, while I don't want to take it, it feels good to pass. My goal was really one of self-evaluation so that, whatever relationships shall follow, I'm improving what I can control about my thinking and behavior. I felt good that I didn't take the bait of her emotional reactivity. Have a great day everyone.
Wife being angry with you DOES NOT EQUAL more likely to get divorced.
Wife expressing anger = emotionally attached to you. (Which is better than her not emotionally attached) Her being numb would be way worse. As a man, you can easily "handle" her emotional state no matter what it is. Always staying in your calm, content emotional state while she goes in any emotional direction is your goal. You are the emotional rock of the relationship.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Caught a bad illness over Thanksgiving and have been down for the count. Thought I'd share an update as I'm getting some steam back. W didn't end up joining us for Thanksgiving. However, she really never made a decision or responded to my offer to join: she got sick first and couldn't go anywhere.
D13 and I had a great time with my side of the family. D13 got to hang out with her cousins, great aunts and uncles, and grandparents. Large, warm, house full of love and - oh my - the most food we've ever made for the holiday. I also learned about a bourbon cream to add to my coffee!
I came down with the same sickness by the weekend. W suggested that perhaps I had instead picked up from "going out partying with your friends" (see previous posts). Not the case. D13 got sick from a school field trip. W got sick. I got the same thing. Nobody else among my family or friends is sick. So, sounds like there is something prickly with W about my GALing but oh well.
We were talking about an upcoming sleepover and W being worried about D13 eventually being at one where some parents make alcohol available. I asked if I recalled correctly that my SIL was doing so at a similar event for my nieces. W said "yes" and said "we're not going to allow that in our house though" and then, after about 30 seconds she said "my house". Not sure if that's symbolic of waffling about D or simply working to break a pattern of saying "us" or "our" for the last 15 years. OK. Time to take some additional meds. Be well, all!
Starting to get over this flu/bronchial whatever is going around and am back online a bit more. Yesterday, W was talking with D13s therapist about an issue D13 raised with me: D13 perceives W doesn't sufficiently trust her. I somewhat agree but am trying to mediate between the two most of the time to find solutions that work for both of them. The therapist tells W that D13 feels we are in "limbo". W gets unhappy about that and wants to talk about D again.
I said "Sure. My atty is familiar with your atty. We don't understand why you've not just shipped over some kind of settlement proposal yet?" W replied, "Well, probably because I told my attorney I've never understood what all we have". "I've got texts and emails from over the years where I've asked and darn near begged for you to sit with me to understand our overall net worth in case I got hit by a bus" and "What do you need?"
W goes on to express her concern with being able to buy a small home on her own. Against my better judgment, we got a dog during the pandemic. I cautioned that we'd done a good job reconciling by that point and that, given how much work a puppy will be, it could exacerbate W's anxiety and perfectionism issues (dogs aren't always obedient, make messes, and even "quiet" breeds" can be barkers). I love dogs. Had six growing up. Understanding wanting one but better understand how much work they care, including planning for vacations, random destruction, etc.) Didn't matter - W wanted a dog and if we didn't get one then I was being pre-1st DB me so, voila, we got the dog. Now, she's worried about managing the stress of the dog and having to re-home her. W previously admitted getting the dog was a mistake. So, now I'm frustrated that this darn (loveable) animal is part of this DB go-round too. I say "We took responsibility for that dog and aren't rehoming her." W then says something about my just being able "to walk away with all your money".
My initial response is to clarify that I'm not walking away. I added that I remain sad W sees D as the best option and intend to cooperate as needed. I said, "Of course, I prefer to hang on to the money I earned that we've kept separate from our shared funds but our state doesn't necessarily agree with me." So, we kick around some numbers, get a bit emotional, and decide to knock it off until Saturday. Phew. Wasn't expecting that but, we are where we are.
Last edited by MrP; 11/30/2305:12 PM. Reason: Clarified pronoun
Today W asked if I was going to participate in Christmas Eve at our house with her family which has been a tradition. I said I need more time to think about it. W seemed flustered and said her family would always be welcoming. She asked where else I would go. I said I could go to one of my parents and come back that evening or the next morning. W said that seems inconvenient to which I said, I'd not find it inconvenient. I noted that W didn't plan to come to Thanksgiving at my father's (also a very welcoming place) and, though she ended up sick, she'd told D13 she was not coming. Not that we're playing tit for tat but it seemed like it might make sense for me to similarly detach from these traditions. W also indicated she was sad because she didn't expect her life to be this way at this point. I acknowledged it was tough and, as her choice, within her control (to make life what she'd like it to be). Today is also our anniversary and I've just gone about my business as usual. I'm fired so there is nothing to celebrate, right? Thanks for reading. It is helpful to journal a bit.
Hey Steve - Well, my sense remains that W is still really conflicted about these things. In a prior conversation about the holidays when BD occurred, W expected I'd be here for Christmas Eve "because you're still my husband" were her words. I don't perceive she's confident divorce is the right solution. I expect the exchange didn't go how she'd like it to because 1) she wants me to be present for Christmas Eve and 2) she wants to resolve if we'll have it at our house.
From my perspective, the exchange went well. I've not given a final answer. I felt put on the spot while brushing my teeth and getting ready for work. We had all night yesterday to talk without any time constraints. I'm also not allowing any cake-eating where W gets to have both the D process moving forward and a final holiday together. I was courteous and respectful but enforcing a boundary about having adequate time to thoughtfully decide what is best for me and D13.
