Havent been here in a while. On 10/27 I was terminated from my 94k job... I knew it was coming...It felt similar to my divorce. Im 61 and never been terminated. I have a new job but cant shake the fear...
Last edited by DnJ; 12/11/2304:51 AM. Reason: Corrected typo.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
I’m sorry about the job termination. I’m guessing the business was reducing staff, given you knew it was coming.
I can understand the similar feelings to your divorce. The loss of the known and comfortable, the now uncertainty or less certainty of the future, and the feeling of losing/altering one’s identity and/or definition of self. (Not a complete list to be sure.)
Any of those three items can instil feelings of fear and dread; and likely all do contribute to your present outlook. The later, loss of self definition is particularly insidious. Most folks when asked about themselves define themselves by husband/wife (martial status) and their occupation. It’s the default view one usually has.
Any change has a loss associated with it. Even positive and wanted change. And loss has a grief process. My own retirement had feelings of trepidation which did subside rather quickly, for it was I that initiated and wanted the retirement. Termination, even a known non-surprise one, will stir trepidation, doubts, and fears as well.
Originally Posted by Rick1963
I have a new job but cant shake the fear...
What are you afraid of?
You likely would answer - losing my new job.
Ah fear. It’s so tangled and ensnaring. All fears have some form imagined hurt/pain at the heart of them. Imagined, meaning some manner of hurt from some possible future event. For when an imagined event happens, the fear evaporates. The feared possibility becomes present reality, and just a current problem to solve or resolve. Realize fear only lives in our imagination.
Fear resides in our emotional realm. Our feared possible hurt is coupled to an event or some stimulus. When the stimulus is experienced one’s fear response is triggered. That response highjacks one’s emotions and set off a cascade of non rational feelings and thoughts. We really do have incredible minds and creative imaginations. And one’s reality is crafted from their mind.
Experiencing the stimulus triggers our fears, which then reinforces dread and further ties that fear to that stimulus. To remove fear’s hold and power one can uncouple trigger, event, and imagined outcome. Basically rationalizing that runaway fear response and derailing it.
As an example, and I’m filling in some blanks here, your’s might be different.
What do you fear? Losing my job. Dig deeper. What hurt? What imagined possible future hurt comes forth when you are experiencing this fear? (And by the way, that is not easily answered, fear clouds things pretty well.) I fear the pain from losing my identity. The doubt, the shake of confidence, the shame, from termination really hurt.
Realize, perfectly normal to feel such things. Also realize you are not only defined by such a narrow description as occupation. At 61, you have a lifetime of experience and many skill sets. And there is no need for shame due to an employer’s decision to alter your employment.
Of course, feelings are not rational. Your thought are. Logic and reason. Just like with finding detachment, acknowledge your feelings and let them go. Examine the ties between event and emotion/fear. Uncouple that.
Perhaps the very fact of just going to your new job triggers, wells up feelings of that previous hurt. That feeling grows, reinforces and ties to the “going to work” stimulus and you got a fear brewing. A feedback loop is formed and one wonders what the heck is going on. Like I said, fear is tangled and insidious. Its tentacles entwine and ensnare deeply and wildly.
Logic and reason are your sword and shield in such a battle. And it is a battle, with your mind. With your sword, cleave the ties that bind. With your shield, block the triggers and lessen their effect. With such rationalizing, such logic and reason, fear’s reinforcement is lessened. The feedback loop loses strength. Eventually, fear abates.
Originally Posted by Rick1963
It felt similar to my divorce. Im 61 and never been terminated. I have a new job but cant shake the fear...
A few more tidbits.
The word “but” in the above sentence is unintentionally justifying your fear. Your minds is always listening and will craft your reality as you ask it to. Instead:
I have a new job butand cant shake the fear...
This allows a better possibility of shaking the fear. “And” is stating the fear factually and implies your control over it. “But” states it and pushes it further from your control.
However, better yet. Uncouple trigger and fear. Use a period.
Also can’t, can, will, won’t. Be careful how you write and speak. Your mind is listening. If you say you can’t, your mind will make it impossible.
I have a new job.
I am having difficulty shaking my fear…
Two distinct statements. No need to couple them. For unrealized coupling/triggering is the very thing fear lives within. And recalling similar feelings of fears from divorce also ties that in to this present day job/termination fear. The tangled web gets messy really fast.
Hope this helps.
Have a great day Rick.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Havent been here in a while. On 10/27 I was terminated from my 94k job... I knew it was coming...It felt similar to my divorce. Im 61 and never been terminated. I have a new job but cant shake the fear...
You prolly deserved it Cap'n Therapissed...
Seriously though...
You thought the bomb would kill ya, and it didn't...
Hi Dnj...My fear stems from losing my home. It has been my safe place for past 20 years. Since I was a kid my family moved several times from the US to South America. Not a military brat..Just unstable parents. When I went through my divorce I almost lost the house. My lawyer talked me into keeping it. It was a good suggestion. So when I was let go I went into a deep depression. When you are depressed you forget you have options and I have many..I liked your analysis.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
hey Rich ... been there, bought the t-shirt ... may be selling one for some extra Christmas $$$ ... what's your size, I can get you a good deal!
Even when you see it coming, losing a job is still a hard road and the fear is real. I've been going through similar here. I'm glad you have another position lined up. Here's to a better 2024 xoxoxo give your beautiful wife a hello from me! Buon Natale!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hey Rick, Sorry to hear about the job loss. Although change is inevitable - it sometimes feels like it gets harder with age. I sometimes just want to say "Ok life... enough pain already!"
You are aware of your fear and know that you can never really squash it. Perhaps find comfort in your ability to overcome the challenge and re-stabilize yourself. You faced the fear and moved forward anyway. In the end - that's all we can really do.
Happy Holidays old friend!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
