10-year divorceaversary

[mvg]

Can't believe it's been ten years. It feels like the fastest decade of my life while also feeling like a 100-year old war. While I have an incredible amount to be grateful for, and trust me, I am filled with gratitude almost daily, the abuse from the Narc ex hasn't stopped. In fact, it's escalated every year since her affair and our divorce.

I'm not coming on here to whine and complain, just to say that after all these years, the only thing I can think to do is keep doing what I'm doing. Be there for my boys like I always have been (I have them M-F for school and one weekend/month). Let them know they are safe, seen, heard, and loved. But as my oldest starts HS next year (wild), I have to accept that my life may never change.

My XW's mental illness predates meeting me, and will probably be something she has until the day she dies. The way she hates me is impossible to comprehend. This acceptance is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Significantly harder than any part of the last decade.

To all of you of that are in the same boat, which is know is a lot of you, just keep going. Pray that truth wins in the end and that it's a very long road.

I wish you all the best, any to those of you who are farther down the road that I am, I'd love to hear your perspective, advice, and wisdom.

-mvg

[DnJ]

Good Morning mvg

Time certainly does seem to fly by. And other moments slows to a crawl.

Sounds like you got being a Dad dialled in. You and the boys go on any vacations? Camping, travelling, road trip, etc?

Starting high school is quite a milestone in one’s young life. Soon driving lessons too. Borrowing Dad’s car.

I have to accept that my life may never change.

I’m not exactly sure what you were getting at here. I’m guessing things along the lines of how XW keeps disparaging you; and her life choices, and/or resistance/reluctance to her accountability or responsibility.

You have majority custody. M-F and one weekend. That’s a lot on your shoulders. And a lot of great and grateful time and memories too. All too fleeting, by the way.

My XW went completely off the rails and blew up our family back in 2017. During thanksgiving supper she stood up and threw away me and the four kids, told us all (including my parents who were there) of her affair and boyfriend, and then moved out with him. Three hours after bomb drop, she was gone!

Her grand exodus announcement and BD which was just before the serving of the pumpkin pie: DnJ, you get the house, cars, and the kids; unless you don’t want them then I’ll guess I’ll have to take them.

Well that ended supper. lol.

Since that night I’ve had sole custody. XW pushed for that too in the separation agreement, writing a specific letter stating that fact. And another letter a year later clearly spelling that particular out when she filed for divorce. She is a very lost soul.

after all these years, the only thing I can think to do is keep doing what I'm doing. Be there for my boys like I always have been (I have them M-F for school and one weekend/month). Let them know they are safe, seen, heard, and loved.

Absolutely. Keep doing this.

However, is that the only thing you can think to do? With your life?

Hobbies. Working on the house. Day trips. Take a course. Garden. Wood working. Play an instrument. And such.

Your kids will grow and move on to the next stage of their lives. College, university, jobs, careers, girlfriends, moving out, and so on. Your life will change. No doubts there.

Age 45 was a bit over a decade ago for me. From what I recall, life’s routine is well established as one is usually well into their career. Periodic vacations and other times off are also equally established. Folks tend to both feel secure in this certainty and yet kind of resent it.

Embrace the certainty of your life. And embrace, even encourage the uncertainty of it as well. Do “some” of those spontaneous things that come up. Say yes to a friend’s last minute invite to go out. Craft some spontaneous things and times. As an example, today, take the boys out for a banana split. Seriously! When was the last time you and they had a banana split? Yes, it’s winter. Who cares! It gets to -40C here in winter and I still have ice cream and slurpees every now and then.


The truth does win out. Yet, realize your truth and XW’s truth will be different. Everyone sees their world through their own lens. After all, our reality is interpreted and crafted through our sense and the devices to augment and peer beyond.

The way she hates me is impossible to comprehend.

She hates herself. And she projects upon you.

Someone who has, who lives, peace and contentment, they will not hate. Hate requires so much energy. Hate drags one down. Hateful is not a peaceful existence.

Forgive her. Pray for her. Give her to God.

You cannot fix her, for you did not break her.

I pretty sure you know that. Yet, do you accept that? Acceptance basically being emotional understanding.

For what’s its worth, once you find acceptance it is not difficult. Your struggle, significantly more difficult than anything in the past decade, let it go. Acceptance comes from understanding, accepting, letting go, not fighting and struggling. And to be clear, I mean your emotions. Emotional understanding. Fighting begets fighting, even within ourselves.

I hope you have a great day.

D