Maturin - Just chiming in to say I find valuable wisdom in your situation and trials/tribulations. Sorry you’re going through it, but other folks like myself appreciate you sharing openly. Best of luck and hope for a better new year!
I had a wonderful weekend out of town with my kids. One of my core values is "treat life as an adventure and seek new experiences" and I am trying to pass this to my kids via example. Having done several of these mini-vacations away (local trips that last 2-3 days) I've noticed several things:
1. My kids and I are closer during and after these trips, and they are much more affectionate. 2. The unique memories created become like a well I can return to when things get tough. 3. My kids develop a view that the world is an exciting place and should be explored. "Where should we go next time Dad?" is a question I heard yesterday.
I find myself feeling sorry for my W, who misses out on these memories. She mentioned when we got home that "I should have just gone with you guys, it wasn't that fun here". Keep in mind I did not invite her. Not out of spite, I just didn't extend an invitation.
I had a tough time falling asleep Saturday evening. I was thinking about all the lying that W had to engage in over three years to keep her PA from me and I was revisiting every argument we had over that time in my mind. I was thinking about all the times she chose the "party crowd" over us and became pretty resentful. It's remarkable how naïve I was over that time, thinking things would work out and we had just hit a rough patch. With the benefit of hindsight I can now see how broken my W is, how broken our MR had become, and how unhelpful my behaviors have been. By morning I had re-centered myself and was fully focused on the present and letting go of the past.
I remain optimistic and positive, not bringing up any R talk and focused on me. While it's still a very manual exercise for me to remain centered, not get goaded into arguments, and be the new 180 version of myself, it's getting easier every week.
GAL goals for the week: one yoga class, lunch with friends, and max'ing time with an out-of-town brother while he is home.
Happy New Year everyone, I wish each of you the best in 2024.
I have kept an eye on the real estate market in my area so that I have an idea of what post-D costs may look like for me. Last night I noticed a fully furnished apartment had recently become available, all utilities paid (this is unusual for my area). It would be the perfect second place for us to use during a "nesting separation", which we had discussed at one point prior to me finding DR and this site. No major furniture moving at the outset, just pack a bag and cut a rent check.
The urge is strong to make a move here. I want there to be some kind of resolution, a "do it or get off the pot" moment. Sign the lease, create real space between us, and use that space to decide how I want to proceed.
Otherwise, what am I waiting for? Days, weeks, months of doing my 180s and GAL while watching W for signs that she wants to reconcile? Meanwhile I get older and life goes on. One point of frustration for me with this whole sitch is that W waited 3 years to tell me what she did. 3 years ago my kids were much younger: we could have divorced and the impact would have been entirely different for them.
Ok, enough whining from me.
For others here who have had to be in the driver's seat, how do you decide when you're done waiting? After years of wayward behavior and months of living like roommates I want there to be resolution. But I just re-read DnJ's earlier post in this thread and am considering the virtue in being patient.
Otherwise, what am I waiting for? Days, weeks, months of doing my 180s and GAL while watching W for signs that she wants to reconcile?
Remember the saying a watch pot never boils. When you truly make the changes you need to make and become the man you are meant to be, the thought of being with the type of woman your W is will make you vomit in the back of your mouth.
Remember the saying a watch pot never boils. When you truly make the changes you need to make and become the man you are meant to be, the thought of being with the type of woman your W is will make you vomit in the back of your mouth.
Thanks, point taken and I feel real progress there. Also, re-reading my comment and sounds like the GAL/180s I'm doing are for her, which they are not. To be honest one of the reasons I'm inclined to rent another apartment is that the more I make these changes and focus on myself, the less I want to be around her. She dropped a few "I love yous" over Christmas and I had to force myself to say it back. I'm definitely still physically attracted to her (another reason I'd like to move, it's difficult to be around her since there is attraction but no SL) but I am starting to feel real emotional distance.
For others here who have had to be in the driver's seat, how do you decide when you're done waiting? After years of wayward behavior and months of living like roommates I want there to be resolution. But I just re-read DnJ's earlier post in this thread and am considering the virtue in being patient.
I just skimmed your opening post.
If she is having sex with another man, do not wait. If she is not, GAL to the max. Be super dad. Do not be boring. You are not waiting, you are being. Enjoy every moment.
In either case, keep focus on your personal growth. Keep focus on the low hanging fruit. Have you read the art of seduction? Great insight into indirect ways of attraction.
Are you bulking up? Have you "looked maxxed"? Are you dressing with style? Are other women giving you attention? Do you make them laugh? Are you always on purpose? Have you research new ways to behave in the bedroom? Will she be pleasantly surprised? Do you know how to build sexual tension?
Do not chase a woman. Chase wealth and success. Behave in a way that women will desire you.
Don't move out. Are you in the master bedroom? Have you made it manly? "I like it this way" has to be your new decision making process. If it's dirty, clean it. If you want the bed in another location, move it. If you want an airplane theme, make it happen. Do not let the woman tame you. It is OK if she gets frustrated. Have fun , even be entertained by stirring her emotions. You are the rock. You are fully in control of your emotions.
I can go on and on. You should be able to do the same. Get a great list of mantras, questions that challenge you as a man etc.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If she is having sex with another man, do not wait. If she is not, GAL to the max. Be super dad. Do not be boring. You are not waiting, you are being. Enjoy every moment.
She is not in an active affair. I am 100% on board with this philosophy; I'm at a point where if I don't have several things planned outside the house for the week I get anxiety that I'm too idle. I haven't read The Art of Seduction, I just ordered it.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Are you bulking up? Have you "looked maxxed"? Are you dressing with style? Are other women giving you attention? Do you make them laugh? Are you always on purpose? Have you research new ways to behave in the bedroom? Will she be pleasantly surprised? Do you know how to build sexual tension?
I've always been very fit and my focus is on adding muscle now (I'm 5'10", 170lbs). In the last year I've made it a point to spend money on myself, my hobbies and my wardrobe (as opposed to the old Nice Guy who wouldn't do that). I dress well and have no issues with attention from other women (this actually caused an issue recently when W lashed out at a women who was giving me attention). But I can improve here for sure.
The bedroom is dead. The last time we had sex was the week before DDay and since then, nothing.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Are you in the master bedroom? Have you made it manly? "I like it this way" has to be your new decision making process. If it's dirty, clean it. If you want the bed in another location, move it. If you want an airplane theme, make it happen. Do not let the woman tame you. It is OK if she gets frustrated. Have fun , even be entertained by stirring her emotions. You are the rock. You are fully in control of your emotions.
I'm still in the bedroom, we both are. I take full ownership of everything I can in the bedroom, home, and our life. But I do need a new mattress, so I'm going to order one today. Maybe I'll make it airplane themed - thanks R2C.
In the moment it felt weird, and only later upon reflection did I realize it "felt weird" because I didn't feel like I loved her, at least the way I used to. This has never happened before. I chalk it up to really thinking deeply about what she did, and what has transpired since, and what I want. Combine that with zero physical intimacy for four months and all of the associated chemical reactions diminishing, and you have a recipe for not feeling like you love a person.
My point was don't say it if you don't feel it. It is very normal to feel they way you do after being betrayed by your spouse. Things are going to have to get way worse before they get better so detachment is going to be the key for you.
