So, I have to give this man an A for problem solving I guess. So about 2 weeks ago I said we were all going to start washing our own dishes in the house. I don’t mind helping the kids but I also get all the pans and stuff so I don’t feel I should have to come home to a sink full of his when he is off all day. I have not done a 180 on this and have really been doing all the little wifey stuff and bending over backwards because i didn't want him to feel I wasn't a good wife and someone else would do it better for him.
So it was going ok, he wasn’t really doing it, however was at least putting water in them to soak so not to big of a deal. That was until a week and a half ago I was taking a timed test in my computer. Mind you he was off that day, the kids were hungry so I put them in a pizza because lord knows he wasn’t going to. He is standing right by the oven and tells me I better come see if it is done. I wasn’t going to argue so I put my laptop down and go check. Wasn’t done. So when it is done I quick run and to get it out and run the pizza cutter over it and set the pizza cutter in the sink so I wouldn’t loos time in my test.
He comes over and sees it and starts talking about how I can’t live by my own rules. I tried explaining that I was taking a test and when ever I put something in there it is me that washes it anyway. Well I should have stopped but after he keeps on saying I was just mad for him calling me out I got mouthy. Told him when I leave dishes in the sink I am the only one that will wash them so I am still washing my own dishes. When he leaves dishes in the sink I am still the only one that washes them. He couldn’t see the difference in this. So he blows up and starts saying how lazy I am. And then said one of the most dumbfounding statements. He said “fine Jessie. I will wash all the dishes and cook all the meals. Bath the kids and sweep and mop the floors. Clean the kids room and do their laundry all while working full time. You just sit there on the couch and do you. And be lazy like that for the rest of your life”
The look of WTF was all over my face for sure. He just listed every single thing I am solely responsible for while he sits in his chair and watches tv, his phone or sleeps. I waisted my breath explaining that that would not be fair either and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing for either of us. We can be partners and help each other out. To which he responded by walking off and screaming “this is why I can’t [censored] stand you”. I stayed away for the rest of the day. Had a little mini breakdown hiding in the bathroom on the phone with a friend.
From that day on I have only washed the kids and my dishes along with any cooking stuff. So by today he has about 6-8 little reusable containers in the sink. He will put water in them but that is it. And yes they do stink a bit. So I came home and seen him eating leftovers again. When he was done I noticed there wasn’t another container in the sink. I figured he threw it away so I checked. Not in the trash. Something inside said “oh not he didn’t” I went to the fridge and oh yes he did. This man ate all but two bites out of this thing and put it back in the fridge. Knowing I won’t wash his dishes but I will clean out the fridge and wash those containers. I mean, cleaver yes. But so infuriating to constantly be called lazy by someone like this.
How do you handle them pushing back from your 180's, and what is good 180"s or not? I don't want him to think I will not be a good wife now that he is home, however he is only doing certain husband things and is still very full of contempt for anything I do. I have been doing a lot of stuff for me and working well at being detached. Just not sure how to tip the scales back to back to positives without being his slave with a shut mouth the rest of my life. or any sort of attraction for a relationship. I always make sure I look nice but he has never been sexually driven at all like most men. So that isn't a lot of help for me.
When I look back his mlc had been going on for about 2 years before bd 17 months ago. I do feel like it peaked and in hindsight we are close now to where we were the few months before bd other than sleeping in the same bed, occasional sex and talking on the phone during the day. I assume that is a good thing. From what I have read mlc is like a balloon going up and it is exited the same as they went in. Do any of you have any insight into this?
That is all rant over. Got to laugh so I do t cry. lol.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/21/2406:13 PM. Reason: Removed swear word.
Folks in crisis or emotional turmoil are like teenagers. And like teenagers, they will rebel against you. They will test your boundaries and resolve. They will test you patience!
Originally Posted by jessieht
The look of WTF was all over my face for sure. He just listed every single thing I am solely responsible for while he sits in his chair and watches tv, his phone or sleeps. I waisted my breath explaining that that would not be fair either and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing for either of us. We can be partners and help each other out. To which he responded by walking off and screaming “this is why I can’t [censored] stand you”.
Yep. You can fight, explain, rationally show the sky is blue, and they will still say it is red.
Remember, their path is emotionally driven. And emotions are non-rational, and therefore cannot be reasoned away. Emotions must extinguish, and that requires time. And not having the emotions reinforced.
H is a whirlwind of reinforcements, justifications, rebelling, and emotions.
Originally Posted by jessieht
How do you handle them pushing back from your 180's, and what is good 180"s or not?
You do your 180’s for you. That is how you know that it is good, and why you keep at it (how you handle the push back from H).
Originally Posted by jessieht
he is only doing certain husband things and is still very full of contempt for anything I do.
Yes, H will dredge up contempt and direct it at you. And if he cannot find “reason or justifications” to do so, he will make some up, or bait you into a fight to restock his supply. Not taking his bait at such efforts is one of the LBS’ lessons in all this.
Realize for H, he cannot be wrong. He truly cannot emotionally accept that. Not yet. He needs to grow up. Like a teenager.
This doesn’t mean you don’t or cannot hold H accountable. Stick to your boundaries, 180’s, and path - for you. For your health and welfare. (It’s also the best way to influence H forward. Albeit he is glacially slow. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.)
Originally Posted by jessieht
I have been doing a lot of stuff for me and working well at being detached.
Excellent! Keep at it.
Originally Posted by jessieht
Just not sure how to tip the scales back to back to positives without being his slave with a shut mouth the rest of my life.
What are you weighing?
Sounds like the scales are tipped correctly to me.
Positive progress in a MLCer is devilishly tricky to ascertain. Most of their progress is internal and therefore occluded from our view.
Your positives, you can see, you can affect, you can control. The LBS keeps moving forward and lets their MLC spouse run to catch up. (Your positives, that’s the scale you focus on.)
Originally Posted by jessieht
From what I have read mlc is like a balloon going up and it is exited the same as they went in. Do any of you have any insight into this?
Here’s a few good tidbits. By the way, Eagle3’s story is a good one and full of various insights. If you haven’t yet, it’s a good read. Along with MA1970, Pattnee5, and many others.
Hi Jessie. You're doing a lot very well. I wanted to comment on something you said in your first paragraph:
Originally Posted by jessieht
I have not done a 180 on this and have really been doing all the little wifey stuff and bending over backwards because i didn't want him to feel I wasn't a good wife and someone else would do it better for him.
Is "doing all the little wifey stuff and bending over backward" working from your perspective? What reactions if any is he giving you to show that he appreciates your efforts, thinks you're a good wife, and nobody else would be better for him? My intent isn't to be a smart aleck about this. To me, doing all the wifey stuff and bending over backward doesn't seem to be generating a positive response from him or for you.
It is counter-intuitive, but changing YOUR behavior in the oppositive direction (a 180) here is what MWD suggests we do. As the saying goes, "Don't know what you've got until it's gone". IF there is a chance your hubby will turn around, it is unlikely to be because you're doing the same things you've always done. You need to behave "as if" you've woken up to the current version of your marriage not working. To me, a person (husband or wife) won't respect or be deeply attracted to a partner they know they can take advantage of regularly.
Enough on that. You're doing so well overall. I'm glad to see you venting and joking around out here. Slipping up, especially while still learning the DB roles, is natural. You're building new skills and just like when we start dieting or exercising, we slip up, have a "cheat" day, and slide back a step. Think about how you're going to respond better next time something similar comes up so that you're ready!
I agree...leave the container in the frig. He is like a man/child right now and he will do whatever he thinks he can get away with. Yes, he was a little bit clever...but you are smarter than a 10 year old. He is lashing out at you because you are the "mom" to all in that household. Continue doing your dishes and those of your children. If he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, move them to the side and when you are done washing up what you are responsible for, put those dirty dishes back in the sink. I know...sounds catty, but you have to stick to what needs to be done now. He is a roommate and he needs to be treated as such.
It time to change things up. When you have a moment, sit down and think of ways to do things differently. The first thing is what would a roommate do in your home if you had one living there? Would you do his/her laundry, clean up his/her dirty dishes and pots and pans? Fix that person meals and wait on them to sit down at the table and eat?
As for him ranting about taking on all of the responsibilities that you are doing...I would like to see him do that. He doth protests too much.
Time to change things up. BTW, you do not always owe him an explanation of what you are doing and/or why. Does he give you an explanation of what he is doing and why? Keep your responses short and to the point.
You are doing great. It's a marathon, not a sprint and we all have taken two steps backward and one step forward. Don't beat yourself up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I did leave them there. this last friday night was great with actual conversation and joking. On saturday I went to a church breakfast and when I came back the kids and him were awake and the kids made some breakfast for themselves, He had worked late friday night and I hadn't seen any of yalls comments at the time. He had mentioned that he was wore out and was going to cook bacon and eggs. I wasn't going to cook him all that but offered to cook him some biscuits and gravy. he started in with some soft nitpicking and just rolled on down the hill of how I messed up the breakfast.
Now I knew he only took two biscuits and that he normally always eats a lot more but after hearing how bad they were I threw them and all the gravy away. He came in and seen it. was passive aggressive and then a bit later pitched a fit and monsterd at the kids. the kids and I left and a few hours later he took care of a chore I had asked him a few weeks ago to do and then went on the rest of the day like normal.
Sunday was great and when I got home from a store run he had washed his dishes. he seemed stressed but was good to me and the kids. today however when I got up I seen he was still sleeping. He likes to wake the kids up for school and watch a little tv so i just woke him up and let him wake the kids up. I went in the living room after getting my hair started and sat with my daughter for a sec. he then made a comment that this was their time, he gets them ready for school and I was intruding on that.That I have of course NEVER done anything to get them ready, when Yes he wakes them up and in the living room but i do teeth, shoes, cloths, showers, hair and lunches. (even his grandparents had told me when we lived with them between houses that he never did any of the kid work) So he kept on as I was leaving the room and I snapped a little. Told him That if I remember correctly I had been doing it all by myself while he was gone with his affair partner for a year. I know I shouldn't have but it just came out. So he had mad and cussed me out as I was walking away and then I thought to myself if I am intruding on him getting the kids ready for school that I wouldn't intrude at all.I got myself ready and got ready to go. he asked if I was going to do all the other stuff and I told him that I didnt realize I had been intruding and would leave that all to him and not mess with his system.
He got snippy but when I got to work he sent a long book of a txt with some apologies but also basically that yes he made some bad choices when he was gone (he was still home when he was cheating at first till I found out) but that the affair and me leaving was my fault. He did say he didn't mean to hurt my feeling and he just wanted some of his own time with the kids but that he handled it badly. But to be honest I dont think it was as much of remorse than it was him realizing he is going to have to do all that with two young kids. When he was gone and lived at his moms she took care of the kids when they were there and if not here his affair partner did so he knows it isn't what he wants to do.
But non the less at east a little half apology form him is more than what I have gotten in the past 17 months. I never responded to the txt and just left it. I used to try and justify myself and hope he would see my point but I just left it. I know I need to be better at this. And in answer to one of the questions he does sometimes acknowledge and say thank you for things. He will tell the kids to say thank you also and that diner was good or to help out.
I have noticed that he is starting to try and do something to redeem himself in small ways when he is ugly towards me. usually act of service in some small way other than words for sure. it is normally something that he should have done anyway but still an improvement from the man I have no doubt would have walked over my dead body to get to his girlfriend, so I am trying to look at the good and positive. i definitely see the one step forward with two back many days. But at the same time feel it is so close to a breakthrough some days.i dont want to give up just yet, if for nothing else it is keeping my kids from being exposed to a blatant affair and the toxic things that him and his little "friend were showing my little ones.
Thank you all for everything. some days it is just nice to be able to vent to people that understand and dont act like I am stupid for even staying.
The less you react to his monstering, the better. When he is complaining about something you are doing or have done, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then walk away. The less you react to his behavior, the better. When we react to the bad behavior, it justifies to them why they feel the way they do about us at that particular time.
He is trying to find his way, but he doesn't realize that he is going about it the wrong way. He is reacting like a teenager who is flexing his muscles to see just how far he can go with you. Who knows? Maybe he's hoping that he will hit your anger mode and you'll show him the door. Whatever he does or says, do not help him out the door. If he wants to leave....he needs to do this all on his own.
You are doing great...you are not the one in crisis. Always remember, you are the prize and he needs to learn to respect you for the person that you are.
Hang in there. He is still acting out and will be for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. The worst part is I know I shouldn't and I have come so far in it. Sometimes something just hits wrong and I don't even notice I am till I did. I guess that is how it is for them sometimes too. This is the first time since him coming home I have said something about him leaving. I know throwing it in his face isn't going to help. After all he already knows what he did and is now just looking for reasons to justify it. I did good last night and this morning just making myself sparse and leaving early to go to the gym. I know I haven't been in this as long as others but 2 years before bd and affair and then 17 months after is beginning to wear on me. However I know a lot of people give up just before the break through so I have been "one more day"ing it every day hoping that will get through.
He literally told me after I told him I was going to go to the gym in the morning so he could have his special time with the kids in the morning without me distracting them or having to stay in my room. And that way I didn't have to try and squeeze my gym time in between dinner and bed time or miss it all together. i would think it would be a win win solution. Wrong!!! He said this followed by cussing me out and hanging up.
"You don't have to stay in your room. Just sleep in or take a shower. You are taking this to far and don't need to upset the kids by leaving in the mornings and don't need to spend that much time at the gym for an hour before work."
Where the heck am I supposed to sleep or take a shower? The kitchen?
You cant make this stuff up with them. It is almost funny. Almost!!!
I’d use less explaining and more just telling (and demonstrating, boundaries, enacting).
Something like:
I told him I was going to go to the gym in the morning. so he could have his special time with the kids in the morning without me distracting them or having to stay in my room. And that way I didn't have to try and squeeze my gym time in between dinner and bed time or miss it all together.
Remember his journey is still rather emotionally driven. His responses at times will be right out of left field. So, you do you.
H is like a teenager. He will test. He will push. He will rebel. Perfectly normal for a teenager, and quite infuriating too. However, when a 39 year old acts out in such a manner, it’s extra irksome.
Like a teen, a spouse will rebel and test, to see and ensure you are rock solid and stable. For an adolescent, they are ensuring their parent(s) is(are) strong and will always love them; giving them the support they need to leave the nest and find their way. For a growing up spouse it’s similar. They are ensuring the LBS’ stability and strength, and try to ascertain if they can be forgiven and accepted. Neither teen nor spouse fully realizes their path or need in their acting out. It’s just part of growing up.
In each case, adolescent or spouse, do not treat them like a child. Treat them as they deserve to be treated. Like an adult. With love and respect, while holding them accountable and enforcing boundaries for disrespectful behaviours.
You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
